BBT Spike? Maybe?

So when i started taking my BBT, i started down my the 96's, then hopped up to the low 97's, but now, i'm consistently in the high 97's, so what does it mean?!!? On day 14 i noticed my highest temp so far, a whopping 97.9, so i guess i need to wait and see if that was just a weird day or if that was in fact the post-ovulation spike that everyone talks about. I can just wait and see when the good old period starts and count 14 days back i suppose. lol.
In other news, next week is my blood draw to see if i did in fact ovulate. Here's to hoping that goes well. I'm still on the PTPO mentality, which i like. Optimism is fun, especially when there have been so many months of doubt and fear and everything unpleasant associated with the land of IF.
Looking forward to New Years, Hubbs and i have no plans whatsoever, but none the less, should be a fun time. Maybe this year we'll actually stay up past 9pm. rofl.

WOWzers.

So not a single member of my family called/texted to wish us a Merry Christmas. I don't know if this is some sort of revenge for me asking for financial assistance with my service dog's emergency oral surgery. But it's F*CKING CHRISTMAS! How do you not call your family on Christmas. Sure i could have called them... but i'm totally mad at them. Let's see if i call them to tell them they're gonna be grandparents for the first time. What a bunch of dicks. Then, my brother (when we spoke the other day) said that both of us going back to school was a stupid idea and that we should both get jobs. First of all, both of us DO have jobs, we just never get any hours, and both of us are keeping said jobs even when we start school.
Seriously, i have no idea why my family all of a sudden is being so bleh. Luckily Hubbs' family is being super nice and supportive of our decision to go back to school.
Although i guess for most people, the holiday season is when people get all crazy and annoyed with their family.
In other news, i still haven't noticed a BBT spike to indicate ovulation. Hrmmm. I guess just gotta keep waiting and hoping for the best. Here's to still hoping that our Christmas wish comes true.

Preggers All Around

So now my other sister-in-law is pregnant as well. this will be #4 for her. Hubbs' other sister is already pregnant with #2. Now this sister, the one expecting #4 was pregnant earlier in the year, but had a miscarriage i think in the 2nd trimester. There are gonna be a whole lotta babies up in this family next year. lol. Hopefully Hubbs and i can contribute to that. Haven't noticed the spike in BBT that accompanies ovulation, but i'm still PTPO for now! lol. I certainly feel bloated enough to count as being pregnant. clothes are definitely feeling a little tighter than usual.

So tonight i've gotten all gussied up and Hubbs and everyone else will be heading off to the fabulous christmas party that his grand-uncle hosts every year. We're looking forward to getting there early, cause the awesome shrimp cocktail they have only lasts for the first 20 mins or so. lol.

Merry Christmas eve to all of you and yours. Hope it is awesome. While you're waiting till tomorrow to open up your prezzies from santa, gogo track santa and see where he is now with the NORAD Santa Tracker.

Anti-social Bloated Weirdo.

So there was this family party tonight. We got there around 6, but then i had to leave to go pick up our dog from the vet (more on that later) I got back around 7. Stayed till 8:30 and then left right after that. I left Hubbs at the party. He's still there. lol. I don't know what it is... i really think i do just hate having to pretend like everything is alright. It makes me so tired. Neither of our parents know about our fertility struggles, and i, quite frankly, don't feel like sharing that part of our lives with them. My parents will just yell at me for being a fatty and i have no idea what Hubbs' parents would say. They are such nice people, but i just feel so awkward around them. Maybe cause his mom was all judgmental about the fact that we snuggled in the same bed before we were married. OH THE HORROR. snuggling is so evil and leads to babies... oh wait... lol.

So Gibbs (my little service doggie) we acting kind of weird yesterday, not eating, he was all lethargic, randomly yelped in pain when no one was anywhere near him, and moping around in his kennel. So we took him to the vet and it turns out he had an exposed root in his mouth and then a tooth with an exposed root as well, which had to be extracted. Poor little guy. We got him from a shelter and have trained him ourselves to be my little buddy through everything. But when we got him, he had like, 8 teeth. Most had to be extracted cause when he was a stray they got abscessed and super super infected. Poor little guy isn't going to have any teeth left pretty soon and he's only 3! (or 4, the shelter/my vet isn't really sure lol) I love that little guy though. I love how much Hubbs loves him too. I know originally Hubbs just let me get him so i would shut up about getting a dog (i'd been asking for a year) but now he freaking LOVES that dog. They always cuddle on the couch in the morning and play fetch for hours. It's completely adorable.

My youngest nephew is in town with Hubbs' parents. I've noticed that the way they talk to him is pretty much exactly like the way we talk to Gibbs. Like we say "quiet" to Gibbs when he barks, when nephew #3 screams endlessly, they say "speak softly". Also a lot of "NO!" and other such things... maybe having a dog really does prepare you for having kids. lol.

Tomorrow is the big christmas part up at Hubbs' grand-uncle's house. The food there is awesome, but i am scared about being around so many new people and the potential for being around a lot of babies all night. I'm also slightly nervous about the talent portion of the party... yes... there is a talent show portion at the end. Every family does a little talent thing. We're all singing a christmas song together. i had never heard of it before we practiced it today. So me, Hubbs, Hubbs' parents, eldest sister and her husband, and other sister and her husband, and youngest sister will all be singing a song together. I'm sad to leave Gibbs alone. He will not be invited to the party. I say if babies are allowed, he should be allowed. But i don't really know the grand-uncle that well and i would feel super awkward asking.

I've been taking mucinex to try to help with the CM because apparently, clomid can cause hostile CM, seems counterproductive but ok. lol. Hopefully it works out ok. I'm still nervous about this cycle and feeling kind of crampy. Also, i think i'm super bloated, even the pants i wear when i'm feeling fat are kinda tight. I mean they fit fine when i was standing up, but when i sat down, there was some definite pain. totally weird.

Funny story, so when i told Hubbs that my ovaries hurt, he was like "can we call them something else? when you said 'ovaries' my brain kind of shut off and i didn't hear what you said" and i was like "ok.. um... my egg cartons hurt?" and then we laughed and it was hilarious. So my ovaries shall henceforth forever be referred to as "egg cartons".

BBT and Last Day of Clomid

So i've been tracking my BBT for the last 3 days like a good girl. lol. Now i have to take it every day for the next 11 days. Over the next 11 days there will also be a crazy amount of funtime. wooohoo funtime. I am however slightly worried that i won't actually ovulate and next month they'll have to bump up the clomid dose... but i suppose i shouldn't worry about things at this point, just go with the flow and have some funsies.
Hubbs's family is in town with our youngest nephew. Being around babies is super hard for me, and having that kid everywhere is really starting to tax me. I'm pretty sure i'm acting like a raging b*tch around his family and Hubbs has definitely noticed that i've been less pleasant lately. More silent and just chilling in the background. The kid is cute, i won't deny that. But holy crap, the lungs on that little monster are ridonkulous. Like for serious. I'm pretty sure i went deaf for a little bit after hearing him scream for 20 mins straight on the drive back from that birthday party we went to.
Wish us luck people! 20% chance is far better than a 0% chance. gogo babies!
Everyone have a happy/merry/whatever and great rest of the year with your family and friends.

Clomid Day 2

So far i haven't noticed any weird side effects since i've started the clomid. Maybe a few twinges of pain in the area of Righty, but that could just be the veins of doom.
Even though i don't have to start taking my BBT till friday, but i think i'm going to get in the habit of it starting tomorrow. I took it today, but apparently you should take it around the same time every day so it is consistent. I have to start training myself to wake up at 6am every day once school starts in 3 weeks, so i guess i'll just start doing it now. I'm sure right afterwards i'll just fall right back asleep, but you know, it's the thought that counts or something!
Hubbs' whole family is coming in this week for the holidays. It'll be nice cause we haven't seen them in a while. Tomorrow we're driving up for Hubbs' grandmother's 80-somethingth birthday bash. Should be a whole lot of fun, even if on the way back we're essentially playing the role of a taxi and shuttling them to their lodgings with their luggage. I mean i'm not bitter...

So we took a mini-vacation to go visit my parents before the holidays and school starts and stuff. It was kind of nice... Until Hubbs and i got into a HUGE fight. I guess it's a good thing we got the first official fight out of the way. He just randomly freaked out at me for spending money and then got all down on himself because he thinks my family thinks he isn't good enough for me. It was supremely unpleasant and it completely ruined our fun night out. After we got home we talked it all over and he apologized for freaking out for no reason, and i apologized for being a spendy whore (which to be fair, i'm not) It was weird. He later explained that every time we go there, he just feels reminded of how he's not doing enough to support us and feels like a bum. I wasn't gonna say it... but he really is. I go off and work, and get everything ready for school and cook and clean and what does he do? Sits on his butt and play video games all night after sleeping in till 2pm every day. In other news, with school starting very very soon, he missed the residency application deadline. So now it's looking like he'll be starting in summer session since everyone gets resident tuition over the summer, and then will work this semester to support me whilst i'm in school. We'll see if that pans out.
On the car ride back we started discussing potential names for our non-existent children. It was nice to know there are some we do agree on and some we both seriously hate. Interestingly enough we do have a few comic book/video game inspired ones. lol.

Right now there's 3 more days of clomid followed by timed intercourse and BBT tracking. I'm hoping so badly that we get really lucky. I know the chances aren't that great, like 20% or something... but we just want it so bad. It'll be hard not to get our hopes up. I think i'll take the "PTPO" approach. lol. Pregnant Till Proven Otherwise. I like it. Wish us luck!

Clomid

So went to the doctor today. There was some good news, some bad news, and some irrelevant news. lol. (i'm 90% sure that's a quote from the office) anyways. So the good news is that my ovaries had very few cysts on them! Lefty was even in the range of normal people just a little "plump" nice doctor thought it was incredibly amusing that the radiologist used the word plump cause apparently he'd never heard a radiologist use that word to describe anything, let alone ovaries.
The bad news is that in the region of Righty there are varicose veins in my pelvis which can lead to Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. Apparently this explains a lot of the random twinges of pain i've been having. Nice doctor says that if the pain gets worse, the worst case scenario is i'll wind up needing surgery to go in an fix them. Luckily though, this doesn't interfere with any of our fertility plans.
Now for the irrelevant news? I got my prescription for clomid and i'm picking it up today. My cycle is supposed to start today, it's apparently just dragging its heels and refusing to start. lol. So once it starts, which is gonna be counted as day 1, i wait and take the clomid on days 5-9, and then we have sex every other day on days 10-20 and take my BBT on those days as well. Then on day 21-23 i get blood drawn to check progesterone levels to see if ovulation occured. Then there's a pitchfork in the road. lol. Either we get pregnant, i don't ovulate and we don't and i have to start provera too, or i do ovulate but don't get pregnant and do another clomid cycle. But i like this, i feel like we're actually doing something proactive and positive and taking that first scientific step towards a baby. No more just relying on blind luck and hoping for a miracle.
So wish us luck! Here's to hoping that we are one of those crazy lucky couples who gets pregnant on the first round of clomid, hey, it could happen, right?!!? totally.

Tattoo

So i have been wanting to get a new tattoo for a while now. I currently have 4. All of them have been to commemorate kind of important times in my life. Well... almost all of them. Anyways. I've been wanting to get a phoenix. I wanted a big ass huge one on the inside of my upper arm. I have tweaked the idea to make it something less expensive and less noticeable. I want a phoenix feather on the side of my middle finger.
Hubbs has agreed to let me get more. He said i have to do it before we have kids old enough to notice that i have new ones. lol. I think i'm going to go shopping for an artist tomorrow and see what price range i'll be looking at. Who knows, maybe i'll get it done tomorrow too. I have a tendency to be impulsive when it comes to my tattoos. I know what i want and darnit i go get it.
It'll be nice to have a little pick-me-up after the doctor's appointment tomorrow too. I'll let you know what happens.

Embarrassing.

So i have done something truly embarrassing, shameful, and sad. I bought a belly band (or some cheap knock off version. I mean my pants fit... kinda. I can button them and stuff, but when i sit down, the top rolls down and adjusting it in public is just humiliating. Sure i could buy new pants... but ALL NEW PANTS!? that is not in the budget right now. Every other part of the pants fit great and make my legs look awesome, but my stupid fat PCOS belly is ruining everything. So i caved and bought the stupid thing so i can wear my pants even though i'm a fatty.

In other news, we discovered that there's a racquetball court at our apartment complex and also a gym. wtf? who knew? we've lived here for like a year and a half now and had no idea. We've decided we're gonna start playing racquetball together and it should be funsies. Hubbs wants to get in shape cause he's thinking about maybe trying to become a cop and obviously i want to get in shape, one cause i'm now too fat for my pants, and two because we wanna have babies.

We head to Vegas on wednesday. I have my Dr's appointment tomorrow to hopefully get my Clomid and definitely get the results of the ultrasound i had last week. The boobs are still pretty sore and i keep feeling twinges of crampy pain around my ovaries. My lower back occasionally goes into bits of hurt as well.

I kept joking with Hubbs that i was gonna bring back my PS2 when we leave Vegas, and my DDR mat. that's right, i have my very own Dance Dance Revolution mat. When i was in high school, all my friends and i played DDR because we were huge nerds. Not only is it a fun game, but it also forces you to actually get up and move. It will totally count as a workout. I still have my Bodybugg too back from when i went to 24 Hour Fitness and actually worked out for like 4-6 hours a day and actually managed to gain weight despite burning far more calories than i ate. I figure i might as well start it up again and try my best to lose weight. I've been hovering around 275 lbs for a long time now. Every study i've read even my nice doctor says losing just 5-10% of my body weight can be incredibly beneficial. Supposedly can even help keep the PCOS under control as well. I could totally lose like 27 lbs. I don't know how long it will take me... but i'm gonna do it. You can be my bloggy witnesses. I'll even post my weight loss/gain for the week too. I like this, i'll be held accountable by the internet. Can't let the internet down! lol.

Crampy, Icky, and Ouchy.

So i've been having cramps for the last few days. Seem to be primarily in the region of Righty. I've been feeling rather nauseated and icky lately, so i refilled my prescription for omeprazole. To top it all off my boobs are really sore.
I know what you're going to say... "maybe you're pregnant" and i will go "hahahahahaha" and then fall over and die laughing. They cycle is due any day now. Specifically tuesday, assuming this month actually decides to stick to a 40 day cycle and not a 46 or 60 day one like i've had in the past.
In other news, Hubbs and i are going to Vegas on wednesday. Gonna do a little pre-christmas visit with the family. We're spending actual christmas where we live because Hubbs' parents are flying into town. We're looking forward to that because i think we haven't seen them in... um.. hrmm... maybe since i have no idea, it's been a while though.
So wish me luck at my doctor's appointment on tuesday, here's to hoping the ultrasound was clear and that we can start the clomid this cycle. Fingers crossed.

Ugh.

So yet another friend is pregnant. That brings the current total up to like 42? Good heavens that's a lot of people. I'm not sure how many there are total but it feels like so many. Feels like literally everyone is getting preggers. pregnant people everywhere. It shouldn't be "Christmas is all around" it should be "Preggers are all around"

Still eagerly awaiting the results of the ultrasound. My cycle is due to start next week. Really hoping it is actually on time this time. Tends to kind of delay itself and trick me into thinking that i may, possibly, remotely could be pregnant. So i'll take a test, and wouldn't you know it, the very next day, it shows up rearing it's stupid ugly head.

I am trying to be hopeful, trying to be positive, trying very much so. Goodness it is hard though.

I have been cranky lately. Very cranky. I'll chalk it up to PMS or something. Hubbs feels like i'm taking it out on him. Maybe I am. I just feel like i'm doing everything. Going back to school, actually registering for classes, filling out all of the paperwork, working, getting all of the tests done... and what does he do? He sits at home playing video games all day, oh wait, j/k he sleeps till like, 3pm and then plays video games all night, finally coming to bed around 6am. Do i even have a right to be mad about that? I feel like i can't really talk to him about it because then he gets all depressed and thinks he's not being a good husband. He is a good husband, but sometimes i wish he'd do more around the house or actually do the things he says he's going to. And not forget because he's too busy playing his precious video games. Don't get me wrong, I love video games too... It's how we got together in the first place. I feel like he's just playing way too much. Waaaaaaay too much. I dunno. Sometimes it just makes me feel really lonely even though technically we spend most of the day in the same room. He'll either be sleeping on the couch while i'm on my computer, or we'll both be on our separate computers ignoring each other. I try to go out and give him alone time so he'll spend time with me when i'm actually home, but he just winds up sleeping through the whole time i'm gone. How do i fix this? Is this something i should even think about fixing?

Sorry that was a bit off topic... but this is the blog that no one i know knows i have. The place where i can vent everything. And while technically this is a blog about our struggles through infertility, our relationship is rather a big part of that.

Ultrasound #3

I'm pretty sure today's ultrasound was #3. What the heck is it about my bladder that makes it refuse to hang onto the massive amounts of liquids i drink? Like for serious. Every single time i've been there now they can't see anything with the regular wand and have to stick that giant crazy long one all up in my lady business.

Anywho. The preliminary whatever seems to indicate that good old Lefty is actually normal sized. Not normal sized for PCOS, but like, normal lady sized. Super exciting. Supposedly i'll get the official results in a day or two. Fingers crossed people. Because if everything with the ovaries looks good... there will be a Clomid cycle this month!!! eeeeek! so excited! Trying not to get my hopes up, but it seriously looks like everything just might be working out in our favor.

Tomorrow Hubbs and i are finally going to get the cash back check from when we bought our car. A whole extra $500 to spend on whatever we want. I'm willing to bet that 90% will be going towards fertility treatments and such, but still! free money is the best kind of money. Methinks we shall be going out to a fancy dinner! and by fancy dinner, i mean something that isn't fast food where a waiter brings us things. heck yes.

The Next Step.

Had a followup with my doctor yesterday. Pretty much the next step is Clomid. He also suggested having Hubbs' swimmers tested, which without insurance is gonna be $106. Hubbs for some reason does not want to do this until we have a bit more money. This month we have an extra $750 to spend on whatever the heck we want, and he doesn't want to get tested. I'm sure it's just some sort of dude thing, and maybe he doesn't want to risk knowing that there's something wrong with him too, since he's seen how much it messes me up knowing there's something wrong with me. I don't know, he pretty much just stressed the financial issue of it, and i suppose i'll leave it there for now. He did say however, that in 3 weeks, once he knows if he has this other job or not, that he will willingly go get tested.

I can't figure out why he is so interested in being a dishwasher. I mean sure the job is at this awesome resort and it would be cool... but he would rather wash dishes than do something more constructive, like teach english!?!?! (that's the job he has now, teaching english online to people overseas) Whatever, he can do what will make him happy and i am not one to stand in the way of that i suppose.

Anyways. I have a followup ultrasound next wednesday to make sure the cyst on Lefty has gone away... and if it has....Hubbs said we can try a Clomid cycle! I am super super excited. Whilst (whilst is a great word, people should use it more often) i'm excited for the possibility of starting a cycle, it seems like such a waste to do it without knowing 100% that the Hubbs contribution would be viable. At the same time though, i like the slight glimmer of hope, this endless world of possibility where just maybe we'll be one of the lucky couples that gets pregnant on the first Clomid cycle try. I doubt it... but that tiny shred of hope is something i haven't felt in quite a while. So here's to hoping the ultrasound is clear!

Hubbs and i also discussed the whole adoption thing. While we still have months and months to think about it, he was getting way into it. Asking if we could specify age and race. He seems rather adamant about adopting a child that is a different race from us, i have no problem with that. We're also trying to establish an acceptable age range. He was all for the idea of skipping out on the newborns and going for the toddler range. This is a good call in several ways. Not only would we miss out on like, 2 years of diapers, but also, we could in theory, have a child placed with us sooner because older children are in less demand. Which i think is so sad. Every child deserves a home where they will be loved. So that's something for us to look forward to as well. Getting on the adoption list! wooo! Sure we have until august to wait, but that really doesn't seem like that long with my bright-eyed and optimistic outlook.

Moar Preggers Peeps

So my college buddy's wife had their second baby 2 days ago. His cousin, my other college buddy, announced that his wife is preggers. GRRRR everyone is fricking pregnant!!I'd actually had a dream a few weeks ago that she was pregnant, but didn't bother telling him my suspicions. They only got married in June. Grumble grumble. Stupid fertile people and their ability to pop out babies like rabbits.

In other news, i spent tuesday night sobbing my eyes out to our church leader explaining the whole "babies make me so sad" thing. Hubbs and i have decided that maybe if we sit in the front row from now on, then i won't have to see babies and therefore won't cry. Seems like an interesting idea, one which i am eager to try out on sunday. Cause if that doesn't work, we're gonna have to switch buildings, which would just be annoying.

Anyways. Our little furbaby Gibbs was kinda sickly yesterday, wouldn't really eat much and seemed sapped of energy. It took him 2 tries to try to jump up on things, normally he's a regular jackrabbit when it comes to jumping on stuff. He seems a little better today though, which is good.

Tomorrow i'm off to see the doctor about starting clomid and probably scheduling an ultrasound so we can make sure Lefty is no longer a giant ball of nastiness. There's definitely been less pain lately, which i'm sure is a good sign. But i'll be sure to overshare with you and let you know how everything goes.

I just feel like i've been an emotional wreck lately. So hard to get my emotions under control. I really don't want to have to go on anti-depressants again, i really don't feel like they helped all that much, maybe there's some other thing i can go on instead. Like a mood stabilizer, i'm sure that's what anti-depressants are for... but i dunno, i guess i'll just wait to see what he tells me. I'm super psyched that my copay is way less than it was. New insurance is awesome. Curious to see how much they actually cover when it comes to IF treatment... in fact, i should probably look that up.

The holidays are quickly approaching. Hubbs and i are excited because we get a cashback bonus for buying our car and one for renewing our lease, so in total we have $750 extra to play with. I'm sure most of it will wind up going towards fertility treatments... but there's also a chance that i'll be getting a brand new Nook Tablet!!!! I am so incredibly excited for this i cannot even begin to tell you!!

I also saw the absolutely cutest idea for an advent calendar, which i cannot wait to start up once the Hubbs and i have kiddies. the Christmas Book Advent Calendar. So you wrap up 25 christmas themed books and each night, you unwrap one and read them with the kids! Sounds like so much fun! and you can wrap them up all adorably and stuffs. Heck, i want to do it right now even though we don't have any kids!

Another thing that has been on Hubbs and my minds lately is the whole adoption thing. I, as an adopted child, have always wanted to give that same opportunity to another child regardless of whether or not i could have kids of my own. In August, Hubbs and i will be able to get on the adoption list. We are super excited about it, but have to make some tough decisions, like what ages we're willing to adopt. I know the list for newborns is crazy long, and honestly, it might be nice to skip the whole diaper stage. lol. So that's something that we'll be thinking about over the next several months. We're not at all picky about race or sex, but age definitely is something that we kind of had forgotten to think about. I would be hesitant to adopt a child older than 4, but i don't know. Luckily we have lots of time to worry about and discuss it.