Not Pregnant... Again.

Took a test just to be sure. Of course, it was negative. so all of this nausea, tiredness, and everything else is completely unrelated to a bun in the oven.
Next month, health insurance kicks in and it looks like we'll be starting on the clomid. le sigh.

Overdue

So apparently the period is overdue this month. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because there was that time a few months ago where i just skipped a month for no apparent reason. I did the stupid ovulation tests this whole cycle and a big fat nada in the positive department. So there is literally only a 0.00000001% chance that i'm pregnant, and that would require some sort of miracle. Then again, birthday wishes are powerful things... maybe it worked in my favor. Hubbs also made some sort of secretive birthday wish this month, so who knows?!
I'll take a test anyway, cause really, everyone needs a good dose of disappointment every month, right?

Nauseated Constantly

Ugh, i've been feeling like crap for the last week. Seriously. I constantly feel like i'm gonna puke. When i burp or hiccup i throw up a little in my mouth. Good times. I strongly dislike feeling like this. Really hope it stops soon. Have no explanation for it, perhaps giant cyst of doom. I hate feeling icky.
Supposed to be getting my period soon, or maybe it's already late, i dunno i'll have to check the calendar. All i know is, i'm super tired, feel like crap, have a terrible cold complete with cough and painfully stuffy sinuses, and now crippling nausea. awesome.

I would like ALL of the cysts PLEASE!

So not only do i still have the awesome poly-cystic ovaries... now i have a giant cyst on Lefty which keeps me in a crazy amount of pain. Fun times.
Male Doctor was nice to me and saw me for free today to help manage the pain a bit. If it doesn't burst on it's own within a week we're gonna do an ultrasound and hope that it's not a bad one that needs to be taken out by force.
Looking forward to kind of being zonked out on painkillers. Hubbs and i are getting some greasy, cheap, delicious mexican food for dinner tonight and i'm super psyched. I <3 the things that are bad for me. lol.

Pain, oh so much pain.

So for the last few days, i've been having a twinge in Lefty's general region. Now it's like this horrible aching, occasionally stabbing pain. If i have another cyst i'mma be pissed. Anyway, it hurts really bad, and i can't afford to go to the doctor, let alone any meds for it. WTF am i supposed to do? This sucks. Maybe i'll go to WebMD and check and see if i really do actually need to go to the doctor. I unfortunately already know that the answer is yes. Any intense pain lasting more than 24 hours = a doctor's visit. Where the heck can i get super cheap care? Maybe i'll just not tell them my name and cry a lot, then run away before they discharge me? How can i even think that this is a good plan? i am so fail. I'll have insurance through work again in like, 2 weeks, but i definitely can't wait that long. Maybe i'll call my doctor and see if they'll be nice to me, since i gave them so much money when i actually had some. yea... that'll do it!
I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Denial? Depression? Acceptance? What is this stage?

So i'm still in the "i'm giving up" mindset. I've stopped using the ovulation tracker things, I've stopped keeping track of when Hubbs and i have sexy time, I hardly remember to take my prenatals, and I've gained weight. Good times.
I just feel so crappy about all of this. Gibbs has been an awesome distraction. Hubbs and i dote on him and spoil him rotten. He has seriously brought such joy and laughter into our house. He is awesome.
It'll be another few weeks before my new job's health insurance kicks in, so i won't be going back to the doctor till then. I guess i'll just keep taking my metformin, trying to remember to choke down those really nasty tasting prenatals, and hope for the best.
My birthday is next week, and i guess that's something i can look forward to. Not really looking forward to getting older. I think i'll just tell people i'm turning 25 again... which i have done for the last few years. But hey, if i can still get carded at rated-R movies, i figure i can get away with it. Lol.
Give me the strength to keep fighting this fight. To actually stick to the medical plan and do the things i'm supposed to. Hubbs and i have been good about taking Gibbs for a walk every day. We're doing a mile now, and hope to up it every week or so. Hopefully we can stick to it even when it's snowing here (which should be in the next few weeks or so)
Help me to not cringe when i'm at work and see a bajillion pregnant women waddling around the store. Remember, they're not rubbing their giant bellies in your face on purpose, they can't help it.
Take a deep breath. Get your $hit together. You can do this.

This Makes me an Angry Panda

Articles like this one are terrible. Like wtf, some fertile gets all pissed off and sobs because she's having a BOY instead of the girl she always wanted. Go to hell lady. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you even get to have a baby at all. Some of us are not that lucky. So how about you get off your high horse and shut your stupid face. I like how she talks about that this was her first child, implying she's had a brood since then, further rubbing it in the face of IF couples everywhere. What an inconsiderate and terrible person.
I am so mad, so mad in fact i want to write some sort of letter to the editor and vent my rage and frustration more. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Gibbs

Gibbs is my new service dog. He is the most adorable, friendliest, and best dog ever. Here's a pic of the new light of my life.

He spent most of the day yesterday in the car with me. He was great. I even took him with me when i went to get drug screened for one of my two shiny new jobs. So precious.

j/k 4 Hours!!

In a little under 2 hours, Hubbs and i are driving up to meet our new dog!! We are so incredibly ridiculously excited. This decision is a year in the making and time can't go by quickly enough! I can't wait! I've got his first vet's appointment set up for monday and we're gonna enroll him in a training class as well.
After nesting in the apartment and getting everything ready for him. We even had to semi-baby proof everything. lol. Stupid little plug covers for all of the electric sockets, blocking off under the bed, making sure there are no tempting, tasty looking electrical cords freely hanging anywhere.
Today is also Hubbs' birthday! Hurray! after picking up the dog and bringing him home, we have the rest of the day free until 6:30. Then we're gonna do cake and ice cream with all of our nieces and nephews, and Hubbs' sisters and their husbands. I'm glad that he liked the presents i got him. lol. I was slightly worried he wouldn't.
We went out to dinner last night to celebrate and i could hardly eat anything! I was totally bummed. I took home all of the leftovers, which was a lot. An entire sauteed mushroom topped 11oz sirloin, and a half rack of crazy good ribs. All i ate at the restaurant was a dinner roll, a few fried pickles , a caesar salad, and maybe the equivalent of one rib. Strangely enough though i was super full and just felt like taking everything home.
I'm going to try very hard today to shower Hubbs with all of the love and affection that he deserves. He seriously has been so amazing with everything that's going on. Luckily i now have my 2 new part-time jobs and the new doggie to keep me distracted now, so hopefully he'll feel a little less stressed about trying to keep me sane during all of this. It sounds so incredibly cheesy, but i really do love that man more every single day. He finds some little way to show me how much i mean to him. I am trying my very best to be even half of the partner he is to me. He has set the bar crazy high. <3

38 Hours.

Awesome things are going to happen in about 38 hours. I can't wait!!! eeeeek! so excited!! I have a job interview tomorrow and i'm kind of looking forward to that. But nothing, nothing compares to the excitement i'm feeling about friday. I'm supposed to be getting my service dog on friday, and it is going to be epic. All of the paperwork is filled out and ready to go! SO PSYCHED! I literally can't wait.
I've done the whole nesting thing that people normally do with babies. I've gotten everything read and set for when the little guy comes home. Kennel, cushy kennel bed, potty patch on our porch, training bells for the porch door, food bowl, toys, leash, collar, id tag, and snausage treats. I'm waiting to buy his food for when the shelter tells me what he's been eating so i can adjust his diet.
I've set up his first vet's appointment to check him out and make sure everything is hunky-dory. Maybe i'm putting all of my eggs in one basket, i know there's a teeny tiny possibility that i won't get him. But i plan on arriving an hour early and hovering around like a creeper so i can be the first one there. I am just so darn excited. Seriously, wish me luck.
I did some ovulation testing today and there was no hint of a second pink line. According to my calendar, i'm not supposed to ovulate till next week, but i dunno, i'm feeling very negative about the whole baby thing at the moment. I'm totally ready and excited to instead focus my energy on training my new dog. And by new, i mean old, cause he's a 4-ish year old, so he's not really new, but he's new to me!
Doggie doggie doggie!
It's looking like Hubbs has the flu. He woke up with a 101.6 degree fever. It went down to 99.6 this evening, and i'll check it again tomorrow morning. It was kinda fun playing nurse and getting him chicken soup and pitchers of water. I made him toast and other shenanigans. I also annoyed him by telling him to check his temperature every 2 hours. But i'm glad he's feeling a teeny bit better.
Hubb's birthday is saturday. We have plans but it seems like we'll have to wait and see if he feels better to do them. The whole family is supposed to come over for cake and ice cream, but we may need to postpone it until he's better. Wouldn't want to get all of our nieces and nephews sick. I'm debating about baking the cake at home or buying it from the store. I'll wait till friday to figure it out cause if it's just the two of us, eff it, i'll just buy one of those giant cupcakes they make at grocery stores.
I've been super tired today so i'm just gonna be lame and go to bed before 10pm. Gotta look nice and rested for that interview tomorrow.
Wish me luck with my upcoming endeavors. Here's to hoping they go well.

I WON!

Yes! after a brutal, stressful, taxing battle, i have won the fight with my apartment complex. They have granted me my service dog without the stupid pet addendum and without a stupid deposit. (which were both illegal by the way) i won i won i won! This makes me very happy. It seemed like everything had been going wrong for me lately, and this tiny little glimmer of victory has certainly perked up my spirits.
I even got a job today too to sweeten the pot! It's only part time, but it's better than nothing and i am so looking forward to starting tomorrow.
Hubbs and i are incredibly excited for our dog! I have the application in for him and it's possible we'll be getting him as early as this weekend! Best day ever.
I can only imagine if i feel this good with my small victory, how great it will feel when we finally overcome this IF obstacle. I bet it will feel 9000 times better.
HAPPY DAY!!!

Forget Babies.

eff it. i'm tired of peeing in a little plastic cup every morning. i'm sick of waiting to find out if i'm ever actually gonna get my LH surge or whatever. I'm down to like, 6 of those stupid little sticks. and really don't want to pee on any more.
Maybe my apartment complex will stop being stupid and let me get my service dog. Hubbs is super excited. I've shown him a picture of the one we're getting. We're picking out names and everything. lol. I'll just settle for having my doggie and fawning over my nieces and nephews. Including the new little 10-week peanut or however big it is that's on the way. We'll turn into one of those couples who don't have kids and spoil their pets rotten.
In the long run it'll save us a lot of money. Perhaps that is for the best. It's looking like i'd have to go on clomid anyway. Stupid eggs, why don't you want to pop off your stupid follicles or however it works?
I don't know how people do this for years and years. I just want to give up. Giving up sounds good. Kids are overrated anyway. They cry all of the time, and when they're not crying they're pooping. I've only been at this for like, 2 months.
Oh, and to top everything off, i tried to apply for unemployment benefits today and apparently someone has stolen my identity and is using to work in another state. Good times. I can't fix any of it until tomorrow. Dislike. Strongly dislike. Just one more obnoxious thing to add to the stress pile. No job, no money, no babies, no service dog, no anything to take my mind off of the stress and that horrible feeling of failure. I am thankful for Hubbs however. He made me laugh my ass off for like, 20 mins straight last night. His support has been incredible. I kinda feel guilty though that he has to keep trying so hard to help me de-stress. He has a job interview tomorrow. If he gets this job, i'll just be by myself in the apartment for most of the day, left alone to my thoughts and stress. This is why my service dog is so immediately necessary. Really hoping i hear back from those universities and government agencies soon.
Everyone has trials. that's what everyone keeps telling me. When it's right, it'll happen and blah blah. EFF YOU! how about it's the right time for me to punch you in your stupid face? ok, now i feel a little bit better. lol.

Service Dog Discrimination

So i've been prescribed a service dog for everything that's going on. My apartment complex is trying to force me to pay an additional security deposit and impose restrictions as to what size sog i will be allowed and where in the complex the dog will be prohibited. They were unwilling to budge on this issue. I have done an obnoxious amount of legal research into the matter and have found several sections in our State Code as well as a court case which distinctly opposes this. I have 5 e-mails and one voicemail into the State Attorney General, the State Anti-discrimination and Labor Commission, both colleges that this apartment complex service's Disability Accessibility and Off-Campus Housing Departments, and HUD. I am so interested to see what they have to say on the matter. Then i can bring in printed copies of the e-mail responses and be like BAM! IN YOUR FACE!! and then if they still refuse, i shall be filing complaints with both the HUD (US Department of Housing and Urban Develpment) and the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act - part of the US Justice Department).
This whole situation has caused me such stress and emotional turmoil. All i want to do is get my service dog and start living my life feeling like a normal person. I've been so worried and stressed about everything that i feel like i want to cry all of the time and i'm having a hard time eating anything because i constantly feel like vomiting.
I know no one reads this blog... but i can't help but feel like putting my frustrations out into the universe somehow makes it like someone hears me. Like it'll somehow make it all work out. I hope i get an answer regarding the dog soon. I've put in all of the paperwork and he'll be ready for me to pick up by the end of next week. Wish me luck universe. Pretty pretty please let this all work out in my favor. I don't think i could handle it if my apartment complex refuses to allowe me to get my service dog.