Largest Poop

This is very TMI but I feel like the world needs to know. I've been extremely constipated for the last week, I think it was a combination of pain meds and labor pains that stopped everything. Today, I finally felt the urge to go after 4 days of colace. I weighed myself before and after. My ridiculous poop weighed 4.2 lbs... seriously gross, and seriously insane.

D&C Scheduled and Labor Pains

Had an ultrasound today to confirm if I'd retained any tissue after the two rounds of Cytotec. I've been having horrible contractions and back labor pain since Saturday. They were able to confirm that I didn't pass everything, so my D&C is scheduled for sometime tomorrow.

Luckily, Hubbs has off work tomorrow and Wednesday, so he'll be home to watch me and take care of Ducky. She'll stay in daycare during the day, but he'll be helpful at night and mornings, as well as driving her to and from daycare.

Next time I know, just opt for the D&C from the start. These contractions are no joke. I'd say just a shade below when I was induced with Ducky and after 12 hours of pitocin I was begging for the epidural. I could barely talk through them and just started making unintelligible noises. The bleeding has picked up as well, but still considered "moderate" by my OB's standards.

They did prescribe me something to help with the pain until my prodecude, so hopefully it will take the edge off and make it bearable. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Contractions

So it seemed like everything was slowing down after the first two days of my miscarriage. Now, I've been having lower back pain and definite contractions. They were worse this afternoon, but it is unpleasant. The good news is, if this is anything like what actual natural labor will feel like, my VBAC will be a piece of cake as long as I'm not induced again.

I'm going to put a call in to the OB tomorrow, since they've been closed all weekend, but it definitely seems like things are ramping up instead of slowing down. I chose the medication option in the hopes that it would go a lot quicker than waiting for it to happen naturally, but now that it just keeps dragging on, I wonder if I should have just chosen the D&C.

I'll see what the doctor says when I call, for now I'm just going to keep resting, taking my Tylenol and Ibuprofen as often as allowed, and stay hydrated.

TMI Alert

Sticking actual pills that people would normally swallow up your hoo-ha is an interesting experience. It's even weirder when you have to do the second dose and still feel the pills from the first dose just chilling up there. For a second, I was confused as to what it was, and then remembered.

I started the process 12 hours ago and I'm hoping the worst of it is over. I might be delusional, but aside from the huge clot that I passed a few hours after the bleeding started, it's not much worse than one of my regular periods, which have been shockingly heavy for the most part.

I'm taking the time to just rest and relax, and leveling one of my abandoned toons in WoW because it's a nice and easy distraction. I did finally tell everyone about the miscarriage as well. It wasn't too bad, so far everyone has been very supportive and sympathetic, which is nice.

Miscarriage

It's official, no growth on ultrasound, no visible embryo, still just a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring about 5.5-6 weeks. I opted for Cytotec rather than the D&C. The Doctor is optimistic and thinks that things should go smoothly. I was so nervous before my appointment, I was nauseated and my blood pressure was through the roof. After everything was confirmed, I felt an immense sense of relief and instantly calmed down. I like that there's certainty now and that there are no more "what ifs".

Tomorrow is the day, so I'll be camped out in front of the TV most of the day wearing my adult diapers and super extra maxi pads. I'll go back in 2 weeks just to make sure everything is all clear. I asked the doctor about when we could try again and he recommended waiting until after AF returns, so it'll be probably about a month or two before we can try.

Buying our new house might get bumped up, we were originally planning to close in June, but now it's looking like it might be March instead, so that will give me something more immediate to look forward to.

I really think the uncertainty was the worst part of it, and can just work towards moving on, healing, and taking care of myself. I probably won't post for a few days, but I'll be back when I feel up to it. Thanks for reading and for your continued support, I really appreciate it!

Dreading Tomorrow

Just about 13 hours before my appointment tomorrow. Viability ultrasound followed by the bad news train with the doctor. I know what's going to happen. I've been having spotting on and off all week. Went in today for the blood draw for my RhoGAM shot, which I'll need to go back for tomorrow. I'll go in for the ultrasound, and they'll see the same thing as last week, a gestational sac and a yolk sac, maybe an embryo, because they'll be using a slightly better machine, but no heartbeat.

I went to the store today and picked up supplies for the inevitable. a 30-pack of extra super absorbency pads, and a 15-pack of depends because I don't want to ruin too many pairs of underwear. I'm dreading telling everyone that we're no longer expecting our Christmas miracle and that we've suffered two losses in a row.

Losing this small ball of cells doesn't even come close to the pain of losing an actual, real, live baby. I'm still sad though. We had hope, we had wishes and dreams, and all of those have been taken away for the time being. We've spent over a year now preparing for the idea of two children, and twice we've been denied. I was just really getting used to the idea of two, and I was looking forward to seeing Ducky as a big sister.

Our window for childbearing keeps shrinking and shrinking and with every loss it just makes it seem less far away. I do not want to have children past the age of 35. We still want to be able to retire when we're relatively young and can take the time to enjoy it.

Ducky turns two in a few weeks, and it's crazy to me. In those two short years our lives have changed so dramatically and wonderfully. Perhaps sometimes I need to stop and remember the good things. How lucky we are to have stable jobs, a house of our own, and an amazing daughter.

Waiting

Dr called today to confirm beta results and that they think I will likely miscarry. I worry every time I stand up, every time I go to the bathroom, I'm just dreading the sight of blood.

I'm still having my viability ultrasound on Wednesday, and I'll meet with the OB after to go over my options. I really just want all of this to be over. I was expecting a baby and now I'm not, my body just has failed to realize it. I'm sure there's something like a 1% chance that everything could still be ok, but the realist in me is just waiting for the inevitable.

The whole situation just sucks. Hubbs doesn't get it, it's always easier for men, the pregnancy part isn't as real for them. He is being supportive and great as always. Love that man.

Decreasing Betas

Well, apparently this time two weeks behind was a bad thing. First beta was ok and within normal levels for where the doctor guessed I was. Second beta decreased slightly. I'm not holding out any hope for the followup ultrasound on Wednesday.

I knew when the doctor was saying that I was around 5.5 weeks that he couldn't be right because the dates didn't make any sense. It's far more likely that right when the heart was supposed to start beating, it just didn't. Now I'm sitting her paranoid that I'll just start bleeding at any minute.

If given the option, I think I'll choose the D&C, waiting for my body to recognize what's happening just seems like torture. I've already missed 2 days of work from all of the worry.

I had so much hope for our rainbow and now it's just slipping away. This sucks.

The Streak Continues

I was worried today when I went in for my first appointment and yet again I was measuring 2 weeks behind LMP. Thank goodness for this blog and I can see that with both Ducky and Lumpy I was between 2-3 weeks behind, so this should be fine. I shouldn't freak out, everything will be ok. Right?

I had my first beta draw today, I'll go back Friday for the 2nd, hopefully things double like they are supposed to and next week, when I go back in, we see a tiny but measurable embryo. The doctor estimated I was between 5.5-6 weeks today, because I had a huge gestational sac and an obvious yolk sac. I'm going to believe that this LO was just hiding somewhere near the edge and hard to see.  It's also probably just a singleton unless for some weird reason there's two babies sharing a yolk sac, which I know is technically possible, but rare, so probably just one.

He did say though that I was a great VBAC candidate and even if I need to be induced due to Pre-eclampsia again that we can still probably go for it. That was exciting. Although I felt that I actually recovered from my c-section faster than my vaginal delivery, the sheer amount of puking and having my insides re-arranged is something I'm looking forward to avoiding.

I am starting a baby aspirin regimen and after my ultrasound next week, assuming everything is on the up and up, they'll order preliminary blood work for kidney function, etc, to get a baseline for if $#it hits the fan later. I'm definitely feeling a lot more optimistic now than I was earlier today. I only worked for a few hours after my appointment and came home and sulked for a while. I have a feeling that waiting until next week for the follow-up is going to feel like forever, it's like the horrible TWW for that BFP all over again.

The new semester has started and I've decided to only take one class. It's online, so not too bad. I have an essay due Sunday, so that will keep me distracted for at least a little while. Perhaps I'll pick up crochet again when I finish my paper, I have to make something for this LO, right? I guess I could also make one of Ducky's stuffed animals a little hat or something. Maybe I'll do that as a practice run. Wish me luck! I really hope this rainbow sticks and that everything turns out just fine!

No Promotion?

In continuing the trend of not talking to me about important decisions that directly impact my career. The promotion that I was finally offered after over 2 years of promises, was offered to one of my good friends in the office. I mentioned to management, when I was forced to announce my pregnancy earlier than I wanted to, that now would not be the best time, because by the time I was comfortable in the job, they would need someone to cover for me on maternity leave. This apparently translated into, "No, I do not want the job".
I am so confused right now and have no idea what to do. I know a lot of the comments that were made were in my best interests and looking out for my well-being. Obviously, I have had issues with blood pressure in the past, and my bosses are aware of that. They are aware of how sensitive this pregnancy is, not only because it's so soon after my c-section, but also after the loss of my son. I will likely be considered high-risk this time around as well, which will lead to more than average doctors appointments. I know they are looking out for me and don't want to cause me any extra, unnecessary stress... but I'm still feeling rather insulted.
My friend isn't sure if she's going to take the job, they gave her until Monday to decide, so we'll see. I am thinking though that if she refuses the job, I will also decline it. The way our workload is right now, we really don't need 3 of that job title, the company would do just fine with 2. I'm even debating about dropping one of my classes and just taking one this semester. Partially because additional stress is bad, and partly because I know we're going to need that extra money for doctors visits.
Oh how I wish I could go back 2 months and not choose the high deductible plan when enrolling in our new health insurance plan. What was I thinking?! The good news is, if we continue to work hard, and focus on saving our extra money, we will have a hefty baby-fund saved up for when we need it.

In other news, Hubbs and I got in to one of our rare fights tonight. He was pissy because I had a moment of weakness with our diet. I don't want to blame the pregnancy, but when you have a craving for something it's really hard to resist it. Really fricking hard. I ate one slice of pizza at Costco and suddenly it's the end of the world. Technically, yes, I have a bit of a problem with food, and I was relying on him to police me about it. I just find it hard to stick to specific foods when I'm pregnant. Maybe some of it is apathy or laziness or something else, but I just want to shovel comfort food in my face. Everything is stressful right now, my forward momentum at work has come to a screeching halt, I'm jumping back in to school for the first time in years, I'm growing a human and haven't had my first OB visit yet to know that everything is going fine. This pregnancy feels completely different than the last 2 and it's worrying. Generally, the rule is, if there's no bleeding or severe cramping, everything should be fine. There's always that little worry in the back of your mind that's hard to shake.

Promotion

Today I was essentially offered the promotion I've been promised for the last year and a half. There's been so much build up to this moment and now that it's here, I'm not even sure that I want it. It's a lot more work for not much more money and a lot more stress. The last thing I need right now is more stress. History has shown that my blood pressure is temperamental and doesn't like big changes.

I'm pregnant, I'm tired, I'm not feeling 100%. I've already taken on 6 credits for starting up school again this semester. I cannot put in the overtime that they like to see out of this position (something I told them flat out when they originally mentioned it to me). Perhaps I just don't have the energy or drive to devote to it.

Hubbs works a lot, and since we work opposite shifts for the most part, I do not see him often. I'm alone with Ducky most of the time. After she goes to bed, I have a few hours before I get too tired and pass out for the night. I now have to use at least half of that "me time" for studying. I'm worried that if I go to them and say that it's just not a good time, that they'll fire me or something along those lines. Management has a history of pushing pink slips when they hear something they don't like. I have no idea what to do. I wound up having to tell them I was pregnant earlier than I wanted to because they made all of these grand plans without my input. I told them the timing wasn't great because the minute I get comfortable performing my new duties and really have the hang of everything, I'll be going on maternity leave. They're just pushing forward full steam ahead and just driving over my concerns.

Hubbs makes more money now, if I did get fired, I could always go back to temping. It's not great, but it's something. I suppose this will all be a moot point if it turns out our rainbow is a double rainbow (twins) because we won't be able to afford three in day care anyway. I feel like I'm being swept away in the tide and torn between fighting it and trying to swim for the shore I know, and just letting it drag me away to a strange and mysterious new land. What would you do?