Hello readers! Apparently there are a few people actually reading this thing! Who knew!?! Even if you are just spambots or something, i would love comments. You can tell me how much i suck at blogging and babymaking or you can give me some nice words of encouragement or sympathy.

Anyways, apparently my health insurance got cancelled for non-payment. UM WTF?!?! I never received a single notice that i had missed a payment or that i needed to pay anything for that matter. Of course their customer service offices are closed on the weekends so i have to wait till monday to call. Did i mention i have a doctor's appointment monday? Awesome. I'll just pretend i still have insurance, get the $10 copay and rip Cigna a new one when i call after my appointment. I'm going in cause i think i have a UTI. Fun stuff. And also, i want to beg for another Progesterone blood test. Everything i've read indicates you should get tested 7DPO which according to both fancy new BBT charts was near CD25. I am not above begging. That and my doctor is pretty awesome, i'm sure he'll do it just for giggles anyway and to get me off his back. Also i'm gonna bring in my BBT chart and have a trained eye look at it. So i'm not obsessing and going "omg is that an implantation dip" and "where the f*ck is my coverline?" and "omg my temp is still elevated i'm totally preggers!" seriously, it is not healthy. I'm like a crazy person with my chart.

I picked up some gummy prenatal vitamins today because i seriously cannot stand the taste of the ones from costco anymore. First off, they smell like ass. Secondly, if you even touch one with your bare hands, the stink remains on them for the whole day no matter how many times you wash them. I've resorted to pouring the pill onto the inside of the cap and then holding my nose and shoving it in my mouth whilst drinking a beverage. Thirdly, even after you take all those steps to avoid the stink, your burps still taste of horribleness. I do not want to have to taste nastiness the whole freaking day.

I've started school. Managed to survive the first week. YAY ME! Funny story, i have a PE class. A GYM CLASS... IN COLLEGE! Pure madness. Anyways, on friday we have to complete a 1.5mi walk/run/crawl/whatever, do pushups, situps, get our body fat % measured. In other words, i am going to die and then be horrible humiliated all at the same time. I'm pretty sure last time they measured my body fat it was like 50%, it HAS to have gone up. It is going to be awful. But at least i can take heart in the fact that this will probably be the last time i'm humiliated by my body. I have resolved to trick myself into getting this class to turn me into a gym rat. I am gonna work like crazy. This could just be the motivation i've needed to get the ball rolling on fitness. We'll see how long this optimism lasts... kinda hoping it's for a while.

In other news, my bewbs are super sore. Have been since yesterday. I'm hoping it is some sort of good sign and not just that i slept on them weird or something.

Have i mentioned that i have the best husband in the world? Our student loan money finally came in. I bought all of my books and other such fun things. But hubbs surprised me with the best day ever. We went to dinner at Red Lobster. I had a delicious steamed whole lobster. Completely made my year. THEN! We went to Barnes & Noble and he bought me a new Nook Tablet!! I have been wanting one of these for months and finally it is all mine!!! I am very very pleased with it and am so grateful to have a husband willing to do just about anything to make me happy. He is the best. Sometimes i forget to give him credit where credit is due. I mean sure he forgets to empty the dishwasher and to meet college deadlines and to e-mail his boss to pick up hours at work... but there are also moments where he absolutely shines and makes me world 1000x better. I love that man so much, more and more each day. Especially when he tolerates me being in a completely b*tchy mood from talking to incompetent customer service reps on the phone for an hour.

Seeking Hope

So i did some research today after i got off the phone with the doctor and a few big questions/points popped into my head.

If clomid doesn't shorten your cycle (in fact can even lengthen it) and my cycle is an average of 40 days. Then why am i doing blood draws on day 21? when on any given cycle, i would actually ovulate around day 26. According to what i've read, progesterone should be drawn at 7 days dpo, which for me, would be a whopping day 33. So that's confusing.

So here i have this teeny tiny glimmer of hope.

My chart looks like this so far.

However on another site, my chart looks more like this, which isn't showing an indication of ovulation yet.
Could it be that i did ovulate on day 24? I guess i just have a short week and a little bit to find out. I have resolved that i will cling to this tiny little shred of hope and not give in to the urge to fall into a swirly pit of despair just yet.

I spent a lot of time today. A LOT. Looking over BBT charts and trying to glean some sort of indication that maybe just maybe there is some hope for me. Also looking over the differences between taking clomid on days 3-7 vs days 5-9. The general consensus seems to be that days 3-7 produce more eggs but maybe at lesser quality, while days 5-0 produce fewer eggs but at a higher quality. Interesting.

And cycle #1 is a big fat fail.

Got the blood tests back. Apparently my progesterone levels weren't high enough to indicate that the clomid worked. Apparently though it's supposed to keep my cycle the same length, and since my cycle is crazy long, why would they think i would ovulate before day 21 on a 40 day cycle? makes no sense to me.

I'm not sure if we're gonna take a break now or what. I haven't told Hubbs yet, he's still sleeping. I know he definitely wasn't a fan of the crazy amount of sex we had.
I just feel super crappy about it all now and would like to curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe i'll skip both the funeral and my 2 classes today.

The doctor wants to bump up the clomid to 100mg for the next cycle. I guess we can still go ahead and try with it cause it would be nice to know if it works at all. Doc says after 3 months of clomid though, then he refers to an RE. So 2 more months to hope that we get lucky.

So bummed. I really had been feeling so many symptoms, maybe it was just all my brain seriously hoping that it worked. There's no more ice cream in the house and we have no money. Supposedly it can take up to 3 days for my student loan refund to post to our account. Then i'll be able to buy shiny things like my books. Hubbs and i are going to go out to red lobster once the refund posts to celebrate the official start the next part of our lives.

I was wishing for this so badly, i seriously hoped so much against all hope that it would word and we'd be lucky enough to have a little munchkin of our very own.

Blood Results Tomorrow.

So this week has been a wonderful distraction, school has definitely been keeping me busy. The first week is always so exciting and fun. Finding all your classes and feeling all bright and optimistic about the semester. lol.

I realized that it had been a week since i good my blood draw to check the progesterone levels. Technically they are in but "the doctor hasn't reviewed them yet. i'll make sure he calls you tomorrow" blah blah. At this point i am seriously doubting that the cycle worked and serously doubting even more that there is a chance that i am pregnant. Hubbs likes to keep my spirits up and say "you don't know that! you could be!" and then that makes me feel a bit better.

Although one thing about the first week of school is that i realized if i do get pregnant, i'm never going to fit into the seats. I can barely squeeze my fat ass into those things as it is now, no way i can do that growing a human (or two or three, lol) Oh well. I do have a PE class which apparently requires 2-3 days outside of class doing some sort of physical activity. Apparently hauling my butt clear across campus in 15 mins between classes doesn't count. What do they know?! lol. That and taking a PE class again makes me feel like a teenager again... especially when i skipped gym and almost had to repeat my senior year... but that's a whole 'nother can of worms or whatever the phrase is.

I have class tomorrow from 12-12:50 and again from 3-3:50, i'm seriously hoping nice doctor calls before then, or maybe after, cause i'll be swirling in a pit of despair.

Also, technically, i have a funeral to go to tomorrow. I don't really know the girl, she went to my church. I was supposed to meet with her monthly and just chat and see how she was doing, but i was selfishly very busy with my lack of ability to make a baby, starting school, and working that i hardly even had time to go to church at all. She killed herself last week, leaving behind a husband and i'm sure parents, maybe grandparents. I feel badly because i wasn't able to be there for her, but sometimes, even with all of the support in the world, people still don't see any other way out. I am certain that where she is now, she has no more worry or pain and is happy. Hubbs and i are debating whether or not we should go. I've warned my professors that i did have the funeral just in case we decide to go. Either way, i'm sure her family would appreciate any prayers or good thoughts to be sent their way.

BFN

I caved, i tested. BFN. Just like a feared it would be. There's the tiniest possibility that maybe i tested too early, but for the most part, i'm just thinking that this whole cycle was a bust and the clomid didn't even work and my body is completely useless at trying to produce a child.

Fleeting thoughts i hope. I still have to wait for the blood test results to see if the clomid actually worked. Cause if it did, that's good news and then we just have to hope that next cycle one of Hubbs' little swimmers does it's job.

I had so many symptoms though, and really thought that maybe this would be it. I'll try not to completely dash my hopes until the doctor's office calls, but until then, it's hard not to think negatively. Maybe then i'll be pleasantly surprised if it turns out it did work. Better to have the results raise your hopes than dash them.

Resisting the Urge to Test.

MUST RESIST. I plugged in my chart info on fertilityfriend and they seem to think that i ovulated on the 24th, making today 12dpo. I have resolved that i will not bother to home test until i get the results of the blood test from yesterday. But man is it hard. I've been puttering around the two week wait forums and i sure do seem to have a lot of the symptoms that other people did very very early on. The horrible horrible waiting. I feel completely out of control with this whole thing. The crippling nausea and incredible sleepiness. We went to bed at 9 last night, i woke up around 7:30 to take my BBT and even though it's early afternoon now, i just want to sleep some more.

I am still good though, i take my metformin every day, twice a day, i take my horrible tasting prenatals every day even though i now have to plug my nose and try to swallow them without gagging. I also keep thinking i smell this rotten egg smell somewhere in our apartment.

I really need some sort of hobby to distract me while i'm waiting here. With $5 in our bank account currently until student loans and our bonus check comes in that won't be possible.

That pregnancy test is sitting under my sink right now as i type, calling to me like a horrible siren from the depth luring me to my doom.

Well now i'm so hungry to the point of nausea. I hate that feeling, not being able to tell whether you're starving or gonna puke. Good times. Perhaps i shall have some lunch and take a really long nap.

1 week wait.

Well, got my blood draw yesterday. Apparently it'll take around 3-5 days to get the results back. My progesterone level needs to be above 10 for this clomid cycle to not be a complete bust. Then, if it is above 10, then i get to wait another week wait and take a pregnancy test! hurray! If it's below 10, then they up the clomid to 100mg for the next cycle.
I'm seriously hoping that my body reacts to clomid better than it does pain killers, cause with those they have to give me like, horse doses. lol.
So here i am, sitting around, waiting and waiting. In the mean time i have pinterest and other such fun distractions to keep me busy.
I have been so incredibly tired. It was a struggle just to stay up last night, Hubbs and i both went to bed at 9. lol. So pathetic.

When Plans Go Awry.

So we were all set to go babysit. I was gonna drop off Hubbs then head to my appointment on campus then to the doctor for my blood draw. Then our car died. The power steering went out, battery and brake lights came on. Good times.
Apparently there was some sort of problem with the belt and the thingy that holds the belt, or turns the belt, i don't really know. But we bought the car 1 MONTH AGO. I got the dealer to pay 1/2 of the repair costs because that is freaking ridiculous.
In other news, my little service doggie, in addition to not having many teeth, also has epilepsy. He had a seizure a few months ago, and then one again yesterday. It was so sad trying to see him walk after, it was like all of this paws fell asleep and he was trying so hard to move. We still love that little guy a whole bunch. He's our scruffy little fur baby and that's the way it is. lol.

So today *hopefully* i can pick up the car and go get my blood draw. I've noticed that the last few days my BBT has been a teeny bit elevated. Certainly doesn't seem like it's jumping around as much. I'll try to put less stock in it though until the results of the blood draw. It was funny, we were crossing the street with our nephew coming back from the park, i hopped into the sidewalk to stop traffic. I was like "this is genius, this is a good plan" and he said "yep, no one wants to hit a pregnant woman" I got all defensive and was like "what?!?! i'm not pregnant, are you saying i look like i'm pregnant?!" and he said "for all we know, you could be!" and then i was all hopeful. lol. it was actually kind of nice. I like that he is also super hopeful about the potential little one.
Occasionally we'll just be watching something, or doing something random. Hubbs with say "what do you think about this name?" and we chat about potential baby names for a bit. It's adorable.

We're trying not to get our hopes up, but sometimes it's hard not to. Hopefulness is good.

In other news, after babysitting our 2-year-old nephew for a whole day, Hubbs said "yea, if we have to adopt, i'm totally ok with adopting like, a 3-year-old." and i giggled and agreed. It would definitely be nice to skip the whole diaper/tantrum/MINE/NO phase. lol.

Tomorrow.

So tomorrow i'm going to the doctor for my blood draw to check my progesterone levels. I swear i did kinda see that BBT spike, but who knows, maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe my BBT wasn't high enough for long enough. Maybe everything i've been feeling has all been due to my imagination.
I am a complete ball of nerves about the whole thing. For serious. At least today i felt a little less nauseated than the last week. lol. I was actually able to eat 3 meals today without feeling like i was going to hurl. yay me.
In other news i do have this terrible pain in my lower right abdomen that i really hope goes away soon.
School is starting next week. I am incredibly excited and nervous and just looking forward to starting over. I have an appointment tomorrow with the accessibility services people to check and see where/if i'll be able to bring my little service dog on campus. Hoping yes, but we'll see. They want me to sign a waver stating that they can discuss my issues openly with my doctor, and i am completely uncomfortable with that. I am definitely not giving in on that part. No way. Everything i've read from the ADA indicates that you do not ever have to be specific about your disability if you don't want to.

No matter what happens i will try my very best to keep up a positive attitude and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed.

2 days

So it's looking like there are only like, 2 more days before i'm supposed to get my blood draw, and if there's no BBT spike by day 21 (which will also be in 2 days) and my progesterone level is less than 10 at the draw, then this cycle will be a bust. That makes me a sad panda. I mean there was kind of a spike, but today, it dipped all the way back down to 97. Pretty sure unless tomorrow shows like, a 98, there's no hope for this cycle. Maybe all of the symptoms i have are just weird side effects from the Clomid and have nothing to do with ovulation. grumble grumble.

Also, when i've been taking my prenatals every day, i keep gagging. Getting those things down is not getting any easier. I think a majority of it is the smell. Like seriously, they stink horribly. I saw an add somewhere for gummy prenatals. If they don't taste like crap, they might be worth a shot.

New Years was a relaxed night. We stayed in and got pizza, popped some sparkling apple cider and marathoned Burn Notice on netflix. Around midnight-ish we toasted the new year. Good times.

Trying not to fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I know we can't know for sure until the blood draw. But this sucks. I just don't get how if i'm normally on a 46-ish day cycle, that clomid is magically supposed to make my body conform to a average 28 days like normal people.

I've been feeling really nauseated lately too. apparently that's a side effect that only 2% of people get. awesome. Hurray for me being rare. Like how ambien makes me hallucinate and not fall asleep. Clearly i am broken. Not sure if that's only supposed to be while you're taking it, or if you can have side effects after you're done taking it too. All questions for the doctor i guess.

I shall resist the urge to lay around in bed all day and mope. after all, it's a new year, and i should try to start it off with a positive attitude.