Toddlers

Today was a tiring day. The whole long weekend really was exhausting. I was hoping to squeeze in some work when I had time, but Ducky decided to become a full-blown toddler. If I try to see it from her perspective, I think I can understand why she was so frustrated with everything. Nothing quite went her way, I wouldn't let her sit and pretend to go potty for as long as she wanted, wouldn't let her play with dangerous things, and spent very little time with her all week. She got up several times in the night wanting cuddles, kisses, and hugs. She threw many tantrums for no discernible reasons. There were plenty of times where I silently questioned why anyone would be crazy enough to go through this stage more than once. You really do start longing for the simpler times when all you had to do was hold them, feed them, and let them sleep. It seriously made me question my desire to have another child.

My promotion officially started on Friday. I moved in to my office and have a few of my very own files. I'm nervous, feel a little overwhelmed, but I hope that overall it will be a good thing. I still find myself questioning why I stay at this job when I hate so many aspects of it. I've applied for other positions, but nothing is panning out. The problem is that I'm really not sure what I want to do, I have many ideas, but I know it isn't this. I stay because the money is decent and Hubbs and I are so close to buying our new house. After we close, that's another matter all together, but for now, I stay. I will definitely have to put a limit on my hours though. Working so much overtime the last week was very hard on Ducky and I am saddened that I spent so much of what little time we have before she goes to bed away from her.

Hubbs enjoys his job and is looking forward to advancement opportunities. Apparently they work on a first in, first up system, so there are a few more people in line for a promotion before him. He still keeps one eye on his old workplace just in case a new position opens up there, but for now, he enjoys his significantly larger paychecks.

I'm feeling optimistic about the future, which I think is something I'd been lacking lately. It's starting to get warmer and it looks like the harsh winter might be coming to an end. I feel like for the most part, when it's cold and dreary, I just want to stay home and curl up all day. It's hard to find the motivation to go out and do anything really. I kind of just zombie my way through the days, going through the motions. Perhaps that's why I want to live somewhere with less severe seasons and more consistent weather year-round.

Two!

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a two year old now. She's very bossy, opinionated, and everything must be just so. She's silly, funny, and interested in how everything works. She wants to be a part of everything Mommy and Daddy are doing and always likes to help with chores. She's amazing.

I had my checkup at the Dr and everything is hunky-dory. Apparently I'd retained a the placenta, which was causing all of the labor pain and trouble. We have to wait for AF to return, and then we're free to go ahead and try again.

I'm also amazed with the fact that my child is only two and in that time frame I have had another baby, and a miscarriage. That's a little insane... 3 pregnancies in two years? We just want another baby so badly and it's medically safe to go for it. I don't know, sometimes it takes 8 months of actively trying to get pregnant, and sometimes it only takes two months, occasionally it takes almost 3 years. I think we should just pull the goalie and see what happens. If we ever actually get to take home another healthy baby, it will be our last. Definitely the last.

In work news, I have yet again been promised my promotion that I have been promised for the last year and a half. I was supposed to start Monday, but now there's no one to take over my current position, so I'll just be stuck doing it for a while longer. I'm getting so sick of it. Maybe one of the many applications I threw out to the universe over the weekend will pan out and I won't have to worry anymore.

Apologies to the Internet

My TMI post about poop is one of my most popular posts for the year, I apologize internet... Hubbs was amused as well, but I debated telling him about it, so you were the first to know.

I'm recovering well from my D&C. I have my follow-up appointment on Wednesday and am confident things will go well. I'm nervous about finding out when we can start trying again.

I went on a job application spree over the weekend because quite frankly, I'm tired of waiting for a promotion I've been promised for the last year and a half. It was almost given to me and then taken away when they found out I was pregnant. They still haven't officially told me I don't have it, but they lowered my pay rate and are training someone else for the job. I'm just sick of feeling unappreciated. Hopefully one of the many new jobs I've applied for pans out. The good news is we're in a bit of a peak at work right now, so I'll get some overtime. There will definitely be a lot more stress involved, but more money to be had as well. With the goal of saving as much as possible within the next 4 months, any extra money thrown my way is something to be happy about.

Hubbs parents have given us the official word that they are moving here, so I'm excited that we don't have to go through the property management company and get other tenants. It's nice to finally have that squared away. Now we're just waiting for notification that the tenant in the house we're buying has given her 30 day notice so we can get the ball rolling on our loan. Everything should go smoothly with that since I've spoken with work and they are confident everything will go through. We're really excited to have an actual house with a yard and can't wait to put in a little sweat equity to really make it our own. We purposely kept our current townhome as-is for ease of renting in the future. I've been watching way too many home renovation shows in preparation for the move. I've also probably vastly overestimating our DIY abilities. Luckily we have a friend who works for a general contractor to help with the tough stuff.

2015 was a rather rough year, and even though we started 2016 off in a low place as well, we have a lot to look forward to and a lot of hope for the future. 

Largest Poop

This is very TMI but I feel like the world needs to know. I've been extremely constipated for the last week, I think it was a combination of pain meds and labor pains that stopped everything. Today, I finally felt the urge to go after 4 days of colace. I weighed myself before and after. My ridiculous poop weighed 4.2 lbs... seriously gross, and seriously insane.

D&C Scheduled and Labor Pains

Had an ultrasound today to confirm if I'd retained any tissue after the two rounds of Cytotec. I've been having horrible contractions and back labor pain since Saturday. They were able to confirm that I didn't pass everything, so my D&C is scheduled for sometime tomorrow.

Luckily, Hubbs has off work tomorrow and Wednesday, so he'll be home to watch me and take care of Ducky. She'll stay in daycare during the day, but he'll be helpful at night and mornings, as well as driving her to and from daycare.

Next time I know, just opt for the D&C from the start. These contractions are no joke. I'd say just a shade below when I was induced with Ducky and after 12 hours of pitocin I was begging for the epidural. I could barely talk through them and just started making unintelligible noises. The bleeding has picked up as well, but still considered "moderate" by my OB's standards.

They did prescribe me something to help with the pain until my prodecude, so hopefully it will take the edge off and make it bearable. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Contractions

So it seemed like everything was slowing down after the first two days of my miscarriage. Now, I've been having lower back pain and definite contractions. They were worse this afternoon, but it is unpleasant. The good news is, if this is anything like what actual natural labor will feel like, my VBAC will be a piece of cake as long as I'm not induced again.

I'm going to put a call in to the OB tomorrow, since they've been closed all weekend, but it definitely seems like things are ramping up instead of slowing down. I chose the medication option in the hopes that it would go a lot quicker than waiting for it to happen naturally, but now that it just keeps dragging on, I wonder if I should have just chosen the D&C.

I'll see what the doctor says when I call, for now I'm just going to keep resting, taking my Tylenol and Ibuprofen as often as allowed, and stay hydrated.

TMI Alert

Sticking actual pills that people would normally swallow up your hoo-ha is an interesting experience. It's even weirder when you have to do the second dose and still feel the pills from the first dose just chilling up there. For a second, I was confused as to what it was, and then remembered.

I started the process 12 hours ago and I'm hoping the worst of it is over. I might be delusional, but aside from the huge clot that I passed a few hours after the bleeding started, it's not much worse than one of my regular periods, which have been shockingly heavy for the most part.

I'm taking the time to just rest and relax, and leveling one of my abandoned toons in WoW because it's a nice and easy distraction. I did finally tell everyone about the miscarriage as well. It wasn't too bad, so far everyone has been very supportive and sympathetic, which is nice.

Miscarriage

It's official, no growth on ultrasound, no visible embryo, still just a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring about 5.5-6 weeks. I opted for Cytotec rather than the D&C. The Doctor is optimistic and thinks that things should go smoothly. I was so nervous before my appointment, I was nauseated and my blood pressure was through the roof. After everything was confirmed, I felt an immense sense of relief and instantly calmed down. I like that there's certainty now and that there are no more "what ifs".

Tomorrow is the day, so I'll be camped out in front of the TV most of the day wearing my adult diapers and super extra maxi pads. I'll go back in 2 weeks just to make sure everything is all clear. I asked the doctor about when we could try again and he recommended waiting until after AF returns, so it'll be probably about a month or two before we can try.

Buying our new house might get bumped up, we were originally planning to close in June, but now it's looking like it might be March instead, so that will give me something more immediate to look forward to.

I really think the uncertainty was the worst part of it, and can just work towards moving on, healing, and taking care of myself. I probably won't post for a few days, but I'll be back when I feel up to it. Thanks for reading and for your continued support, I really appreciate it!

Dreading Tomorrow

Just about 13 hours before my appointment tomorrow. Viability ultrasound followed by the bad news train with the doctor. I know what's going to happen. I've been having spotting on and off all week. Went in today for the blood draw for my RhoGAM shot, which I'll need to go back for tomorrow. I'll go in for the ultrasound, and they'll see the same thing as last week, a gestational sac and a yolk sac, maybe an embryo, because they'll be using a slightly better machine, but no heartbeat.

I went to the store today and picked up supplies for the inevitable. a 30-pack of extra super absorbency pads, and a 15-pack of depends because I don't want to ruin too many pairs of underwear. I'm dreading telling everyone that we're no longer expecting our Christmas miracle and that we've suffered two losses in a row.

Losing this small ball of cells doesn't even come close to the pain of losing an actual, real, live baby. I'm still sad though. We had hope, we had wishes and dreams, and all of those have been taken away for the time being. We've spent over a year now preparing for the idea of two children, and twice we've been denied. I was just really getting used to the idea of two, and I was looking forward to seeing Ducky as a big sister.

Our window for childbearing keeps shrinking and shrinking and with every loss it just makes it seem less far away. I do not want to have children past the age of 35. We still want to be able to retire when we're relatively young and can take the time to enjoy it.

Ducky turns two in a few weeks, and it's crazy to me. In those two short years our lives have changed so dramatically and wonderfully. Perhaps sometimes I need to stop and remember the good things. How lucky we are to have stable jobs, a house of our own, and an amazing daughter.

Waiting

Dr called today to confirm beta results and that they think I will likely miscarry. I worry every time I stand up, every time I go to the bathroom, I'm just dreading the sight of blood.

I'm still having my viability ultrasound on Wednesday, and I'll meet with the OB after to go over my options. I really just want all of this to be over. I was expecting a baby and now I'm not, my body just has failed to realize it. I'm sure there's something like a 1% chance that everything could still be ok, but the realist in me is just waiting for the inevitable.

The whole situation just sucks. Hubbs doesn't get it, it's always easier for men, the pregnancy part isn't as real for them. He is being supportive and great as always. Love that man.