Holidays

We did a bit of a bigger fast leading up to Thanksgiving. We did a 48 hour fast leading up to the holiday then followed a 20:4 f(20 hour fast, 4 hour eating window) for  Thanksgiving and yesterday. It went surprisingly well.

We're doing another 48 hour fast for this weekend and will resume our typical OMAD (One Meal a Day or 23:1) schedule on Monday. I have a Spaghetti Squash and an Eggplant to plan meals for next week but already have big ideas. Hubbs isn't a huge fan of Spaghetti Squash, and I am totally fine with polishing that puppy off all by myself.

One difficult thing is that we started making homemade bread a few months ago for the kiddos, they go through SO much bread and it was cheaper to just make it rather than buy it. I have a loaf baking right now and I am just drooling at the smell of it. I LOVE bread.

We've been at this IF (Intermittent Fasting) strategy since November 2nd, and so far I am down 12lbs and Hubbs is down 8. This has been absolutely incredible for us so far. Not having to sit and calorie count and log every single thing you put in your mouth, plan recipes that meet certain caloric goals has been so freeing. I think we're naturally making smarter choices by adding significantly more vegetables to our meals and enjoying the taste of salads.

Our budget is also benefiting from this plan as we're spending so much less at the grocery store each week. We're hoping to slim down our budget to pay off more of our student loans and hopefully save for some home remodeling and this has been a big help.

A big milestone anniversary is coming up for us next year and if this rate of weight loss continues I just might hit my goal weight by then and that would be phenomenal!!!

New Definition of IF

When I first started this blog, which felt like a million years ago my life was completely different. I was newly married, newly diagnosed as infertile, and wondering that the future would hold.

Here I am many years, a few kids, and what feels like a lifetime later and IF has a new meaning for me. Instead of abandoning this blog like I've done for the last 3 years, I hope to turn it into something more relevant to my life now. No longer infertile, IF needs a new meaning for this blog.

My weight struggles have been a feature occasionally in my posts and I've previously promised to make lifestyle changes that would lead to weight loss. I've done that successfully a few times losing and regaining close to 200 lbs over the last several years. I decided enough was enough when for the first time in my life, the number on the scale started with a 3. I tried to justify my weight saying at least I don't weight 300lbs!! Then one day I did. That day was at the start of November 2019 when Hubbs and I decided to start yet another weight loss journey.

IF for the purposes of this blog and for the weight loss community of Reddit stand for Intermittent Fasting. Basically periods of eating followed by periods of fasting, there's a few different ways to do it, you can fast every other day, fast during the day/night and only eat during a specific time period, or choosing to fast one or more days per week. Hubbs and I are taking this journey together and are hoping to make positive changes in our life to be healthier for ourselves and for our children.

Hubbs has less total to lose than me, we're always iffy on our numbers, mostly because I simply refuse to tell him how much I weigh, but overall I need to lose at minimum 100lbs, but no longer being classified as obese would be a great start.

Since we started on November 2, 2019 Hubbs has lost 5lbs and I've lost 10lbs. That was with following a 16:8 IF plan. That means only eating between an 8 hour window during the day and not eating outside of those hours. For us it was 12pm - 8pm.

Starting this week, we are focusing on the "One Meal a Day" (aka OMAD), or a 23:1 IF window. Essentially only eating dinner every day. Based on our work schedules, this will usually be in the late afternoon so likely 4pm.

We've tried Paleo, Keto, CICO, and others, but dealing with food allergies and limiting what you can eat became exhausting. Finding recipes and tweaking things, making versions of the foods we like but having them taste terrible because the ingredients are completely different. This way we can eat the foods we like, just in smaller amounts.

We have spoken with our Doctor, she's fine with it, so please refrain from commenting that this is a terrible plan or unhealthy or anything like that.

So here we are, the start of another journey through IF land. I hope you'll stick around and follow along. I'll do bi-weekly official weigh-ins for me, I can't promise Hubbs' will share, but he's right along with me for the ride.

26 Weeks

We've made it to 26 weeks. So far my blood pressure is mostly behaving. Baby boy is looking great for growth and appears to be healthy.

I'm allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. I haven't put together our sit and stand stroller just yet, but I definitely have to resist the urge.

Things at work for me have slowed down significantly so it's  nice to be able to keep my stress level low.  Things have picked up for Hubbs, but he has this week off so we can actually spend some quality time together.  He's been working 12 hour days 6 days a week prepping for the holidays so it's been difficult. Some days we don't see each other at all. The silver lining though is that we'll be able to build up more of a cushion for my maternity leave.

Just taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best. 

The Edge Of Winter

The creeping edge of winter comes,
  down mountains craving autumn sun.
The grasses yellow and foliage burns,
  cascading colors down the slopes.
With each day the edge creeps ever closer,
  until the valley is blanketed in white.
Awaiting the break of spring,
  when the edge of winter slinks away,
  up the range until nothing but green remains.

9 Weeks

Still pregnant. We went in to the ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw a tiny flickering heartbeat. It was such a relief. My blood pressure was higher than I would have liked, but I'm sure 90% of that was just nerves. We're going to try for a VBAC and wait and see when it comes to the BP issues. Hubbs and I are throwing names out there and trying to wrap our heads around the hope that we're actually going to have another baby. My follow up is in another 2 weeks and I'm hoping the good news train will keep on chugging along.

Things and work have still been completely insane, but I'm trying to keep my stress down and do the best I can when I can. I know that I have a decent career if I want it, I know that really the work isn't all that bad. With any job, there are aspects you like and those you don't, but try to find a nice balance between them. Right now, it's leaning far towards dislike. I really only have to put in about 5 more years, and that's doable. It makes sense to put in the time at something you don't enjoy that much, so that in 5 years, you can do something you really want, right?

Tomorrow - Freaking Out

I am a wreck. I'm so nervous, worried, anxious, and afraid. My imagination is getting the better of me and I'm just dreading tomorrow. I want there to be a bouncy little flickery heart-beating gummy bear tomorrow, and I'm so afraid for them to tell me that it's another non-viable pregnancy.

I worry about every twinge and cramp. I try to reassure myself because I have symptoms, and last time I didn't have any at all. Hubbs is coming with me tomorrow and I think that's good. He'll be there to support and share in either the joy or misery.

I hate that feeling of dreading something and yet wanting it to be over already. I just want to know if everything is ok for now and if we can start enjoying the fact that I'm pregnant again.

Ducky has a fever today so I'm taking the day off work to spend it with her. Her adorable (albeit occasionally frustrating) toddler antics will keep my mind off things and I'll just relish in the time I get to spend with her before things hit the fan. Perfect moments of snuggling up and just spending time together can make even the darkest days seem bright.

Wish us luck tomorrow, we're going to need it.

Next Week

Well, I went two weeks without posting, guess I'm just a big fat liar then. I'll try to be better.

I'm still pregnant. I occasionally pee on sticks, I've turned in to one of those crazy pregnant women who refuses to believe that things are going well. I have more symptoms than I had with the MMC last time, but I'm not sure if that's because of the progesterone or because things are progressing well.

Next week is my first appointment and I'm dreading it and yet can't wait for it to get here. I just want to know if everything is ok or if I need to prepare myself for bad news again. I planned it so that I should be about 7 weeks along. If we go by LMP, I should be 8 weeks today, but if we go by the positive OPKs and the BFPs, I think I'm closer to 6 weeks. I've been two weeks behind or more with the last 3, so it's fair to assume I'll follow suit this time.

Hubbs and I are actually talking about names and possibilities, we've told Ducky and I think she understands the concept. I guess it's a little crazy now that I realize she's not even two and a half yet and I'm pregnant for the 3rd time since she was born. That's kind of insane. On a pregnancy streak since 2013... I so hope this is the last one. Two is a nice number. There are enough hands for you to wrangle them by yourself. There's a nice one-on-one ratio for outings. Seeing my SiL's with many more than two might have jaded us a bit, but it seems like a wise idea to not let the children outnumber you.

I'll keep you posted after the appointment next week. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's pretty hard some times. I just want to be excited and happy and enjoy the nausea, dizziness, and obnoxiously early RLP, but the pessimist in me just doubts so hard that things will work out the way I desperately want them to. I have flashbacks to Lumpy and the worry and that complete feeling of helplessness. Flashbacks to December when we thought we got our Christmas miracle only to have it snatched away a few weeks later.

I know that every pregnancy is different. It's a totally different genetic scenario and anything is possible. I'll relax for hopefully a little bit once we pass all of the milestones, heartbeat, anatomy scan, full term, take-home baby. Even then I'm sure I will worry, but I just long for those moments when you hold your baby close and know that everything is perfect and wonderful and right in your little world.

No Squinting Needed Here

After dealing with barely visible lines on my internet cheapies twice a day for the last 3 days because I'm an insane person who refused to believe what I was seeing... There's no need to squint for these.

The streak of getting pregnant on or finding out around holidays and special occasions continues! Now to tell Hubbs. He already suspects, but I want to confirm it in some sort of adorable way.

Checking In and Holy Crap

Lately it's seemed like I only ever check in and post when something big happens. I apologize for that, I always make excuses about general life, work, etc getting in the way of blogging, but I need to be better. No matter how tired, late, boring I think I am, I will take the time to post at least once a week. I'm making solid promises here readers.

My promotion at work has kept me insanely busy, there never seem to be enough hours in the day. I work almost 10 hours a day and still don't finish all of the tasks required for the day. Management has completely overloaded the three of us that hold my position and show no signs of trying to rectify it by promoting or hiring new people.

Hubbs, Ducky, and I are all doing well. We're busy but happy and Ducky awes and amazes us every day. She's so clever and hilarious, she sings like an angel (according to Hubbs), and loves to play cook in her little Ikea kitchen. Hubbs and I have been sticking to our diet for about 3 weeks now. 2 weeks in I was down 14lbs. The 3 week weigh-in is Tuesday, but I don't think I'll see much of a shift in the numbers this week.

In other news, there is the tiniest, smallest, minuscule possibility that I am pregnant again. I used OPKs this cycle and got a positive about a week later than I was expecting. Here we are 13 days later and my internet cheapies are showing the faintest hint of a line.

The bottom one is from last night, the top one from this morning. Do you see it? Am I insane? The ClearBlue digital was a BFN, but those are less reliable for early testing anyway. I am cautiously optimistic and will keep peeing in those obnoxiously tiny cups for a few more days until the line gets less imaginary and more definitive. A few people on a forum said they see it, but I'm refusing to believe it.

Even if in a few days, I get a positive, I'm not sure I want to tell Hubbs until I'm sure it's for real. With everything that happened with Lumpy and our MMC in January, I just don't want to get his hopes up. Heck, I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel like we've both developed a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from that pain. The MMC sucked, but it was so much easier to take than when we lost Lumpy. I told myself that if I ever got pregnant again it would be the last one no matter what the outcome because I didn't want to go through it all over again. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Checking In

It's been a while since I've posted. It was a combination of busy work life, exciting new endeavors, and pretty much doing everything but sitting down and writing.

We closed on the new house, and have been busy getting it updated and ready for our move in later this month. We've ordered new windows, floors, and a door. Had drywall work patched and prepped for painting. We've narrowed down paint colors and need to spend a good long weekend painting everything before the new floors go in. Basically every spare evening or weekend afternoon has been spent getting bids or choosing materials. When we bought our first house, everything was move-in ready, so this is all new to us. I'm excited to see the finished product even though we have other projects planned pretty much every year for the next two years.

I've physically recovered from the toll of my miscarriage and subsequent D&C. I'm fairly certain I've mentally recovered as well. I've had a few sad moments over the last few months, but feel better overall.

We're coming up on what would have been Lumpy's first birthday and it's been emotional thinking about that. Hubbs and I are doing ok and keep the lines of communication open. We had a great cry just the other night. We're not sure what we're going to do for his birthday yet, but hopefully something to remember and celebrate him.

A lot of crazy things have happened in Hubbs' side of the family lately. We're all reeling and trying to figure out how to process the news. I'll post about it later once I've wrapped my head around the situation and we have a better understanding of the aftershocks and consequences.

Work is going decently. I still dislike aspects of my job, but I'm comfortable and have put in enough time and effort that I'm considered a valuable asset and am treated as such. I still think about leaving and starting over somewhere else with duties that more closely involve my interests, but right now the money is really great, so it's hard to justify leaving.

I feel like I make a lot of promises about blogging more often, and I stick to it for a while but eventually fall back into bad habits. I'll just give myself a pat on the back for blogging today and try to check back in every once in a while.

We're TTC again with all the fun of temping and charting. Perhaps for Mother's Day this year I should get myself a big pack of OPK's because we all know how fun peeing on sticks, dipping strips in pee cups, or dipping strips and sticks in cups, whatever floats your boat, is.