New Year and New Fear

I'm still trying to grasp the fact that Hubbs and I will be parents sometime in the next 2 months. It's frightening and exciting and still a completely alien concept. Our lives are about to change in such a dramatic way, that I can't really comprehend the enormity of the situation.

Of course I still have the common pregnancy and parenting fears, perhaps more so because this pregnancy was so unexpected. Now with the increasing pregnancy complications, it does seem like some of them are very real fears indeed. Mostly having this kid in January instead of February.

A part of me still worries that we won't get a baby out of this at all. I'm 32.5-ish weeks now and I know in theory she could be born now and have a bit of NICU time and be ok. I'm also aware of the albeit highly unlikely possibility of a cord accident, or something going wrong with delivery and either one or both of us not making it.

Those fears I try not to dwell on, the ones I have no control over. Putting those in the back of my mind brings forth the other fears. The "how in the heck am I supposed to know how to be a mother" fears. I occasionally worry about not knowing what to do, not loving her enough, loving her too much. What if she turns out to be a little jerk and is stubborn and completely rambunctious and uncontrollable? This is mostly a fear because one of our nephews is totally a reckless little terror.

The first little bit is easy. Feed her, let her sleep, bathe her, watch her grow. It's the part after those precious first months that scare me. Hubbs has taken care of a very young child before, so he'll show me the ropes, both of us though are at a complete loss as to "how to parent". I'm hoping it is something that comes kind of naturally. We've seen the way Hubbs' siblings parent, one of them has a style we like a lot and her kids are extremely well behaved and polite. We've definitely decided to avoid the parenting tactics that lead to our two youngest nephews completely controlling their parents' lives. We've observed and will adapt some of their strategies as our own, and hopefully we come up with a strategy that works for our family.

A part of me is also worried that instead of popping out a girl, this will, in fact, be a boy. I know the chances are slim, especially given how many ultrasounds I've had, but the techs have never been completely sure. Little Ducky tends to not want to cooperate when it comes to those things. Luckily, we finally decided on a boy name just in case.

I'm excited for 2014. I know it brings about the end of our lives as we knew them, but it brings with it a completely new world of possibilities and wonder that can only make our lives better. Bring it on, new year, bring it on.