More Leave

I thought I was ready to go back to work. I went back last Tuesday. I only worked until Thursday, but every moment I was there, I just couldn't focus. I kept thinking about my son and just getting sad and realizing the complete pointlessness of my work. I wanted to yell, "I don't give a flying fuck about your mortgages, my son is dead". Luckily, I did not shout that from my cubicle, I just sat in silence trying not to let my despair take over.

I had to take a long weekend because our daycare was closed Friday and Monday, and we had all of our dentist appointments yesterday. I went back to work this morning and realized I really just am not ready to be back. I need more time to recover mentally, and even still physically. On meds, my blood pressure had gone back to a normal level, but I took it this morning and it was high again. I don't know if it's stress or something else, but I'll need to keep a closer eye on it.

I'm going to wait until after my 6-week check up with my OB just to make sure everything is OK before I consider going back again. We have enough of a safety net in savings that financially we'll be alright with just Hubbs working. He seems to be doing fine. Sometimes he gets sad, but I think overall he's doing much better than I am. Sometimes I just feel like a wreck, like a shell of my former self. Other times I'm fine and happy. I am on medication for the anxiety and panic attacks I was having. I know sometimes that particular medication is also used to treat depression, I don't think this is PPD though. I think it's just a normal response to something absolutely soul-crushing and heart-breaking.

For now I'm just going to take my extra maternity/bereavement leave and try to keep myself focused on healing and try to keep myself busy with things that I enjoy. I'm going to try to create a little shadowbox or scrapbook or both, to put all of the little trinkets and memories of our son in. We want to be able to remember him often and keep the memory of him in our home prominently. We don't want to hide or diminish his existence in any way (like my parents seem to want to do). I'm going to play WoW, read, watch terribly cheesy and awful horror movies, and relish the little victories. I emptied the dishwasher, I remembered to water the flowers, I took a little stroll around the neighborhood, etc. Today, I stood up for myself and my health. Go me. *high five*