26 Weeks

We've made it to 26 weeks. So far my blood pressure is mostly behaving. Baby boy is looking great for growth and appears to be healthy.

I'm allowing myself to be cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy. I haven't put together our sit and stand stroller just yet, but I definitely have to resist the urge.

Things at work for me have slowed down significantly so it's  nice to be able to keep my stress level low.  Things have picked up for Hubbs, but he has this week off so we can actually spend some quality time together.  He's been working 12 hour days 6 days a week prepping for the holidays so it's been difficult. Some days we don't see each other at all. The silver lining though is that we'll be able to build up more of a cushion for my maternity leave.

Just taking things one day at a time and hoping for the best. 

The Edge Of Winter

The creeping edge of winter comes,
  down mountains craving autumn sun.
The grasses yellow and foliage burns,
  cascading colors down the slopes.
With each day the edge creeps ever closer,
  until the valley is blanketed in white.
Awaiting the break of spring,
  when the edge of winter slinks away,
  up the range until nothing but green remains.

9 Weeks

Still pregnant. We went in to the ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw a tiny flickering heartbeat. It was such a relief. My blood pressure was higher than I would have liked, but I'm sure 90% of that was just nerves. We're going to try for a VBAC and wait and see when it comes to the BP issues. Hubbs and I are throwing names out there and trying to wrap our heads around the hope that we're actually going to have another baby. My follow up is in another 2 weeks and I'm hoping the good news train will keep on chugging along.

Things and work have still been completely insane, but I'm trying to keep my stress down and do the best I can when I can. I know that I have a decent career if I want it, I know that really the work isn't all that bad. With any job, there are aspects you like and those you don't, but try to find a nice balance between them. Right now, it's leaning far towards dislike. I really only have to put in about 5 more years, and that's doable. It makes sense to put in the time at something you don't enjoy that much, so that in 5 years, you can do something you really want, right?

Tomorrow - Freaking Out

I am a wreck. I'm so nervous, worried, anxious, and afraid. My imagination is getting the better of me and I'm just dreading tomorrow. I want there to be a bouncy little flickery heart-beating gummy bear tomorrow, and I'm so afraid for them to tell me that it's another non-viable pregnancy.

I worry about every twinge and cramp. I try to reassure myself because I have symptoms, and last time I didn't have any at all. Hubbs is coming with me tomorrow and I think that's good. He'll be there to support and share in either the joy or misery.

I hate that feeling of dreading something and yet wanting it to be over already. I just want to know if everything is ok for now and if we can start enjoying the fact that I'm pregnant again.

Ducky has a fever today so I'm taking the day off work to spend it with her. Her adorable (albeit occasionally frustrating) toddler antics will keep my mind off things and I'll just relish in the time I get to spend with her before things hit the fan. Perfect moments of snuggling up and just spending time together can make even the darkest days seem bright.

Wish us luck tomorrow, we're going to need it.

Next Week

Well, I went two weeks without posting, guess I'm just a big fat liar then. I'll try to be better.

I'm still pregnant. I occasionally pee on sticks, I've turned in to one of those crazy pregnant women who refuses to believe that things are going well. I have more symptoms than I had with the MMC last time, but I'm not sure if that's because of the progesterone or because things are progressing well.

Next week is my first appointment and I'm dreading it and yet can't wait for it to get here. I just want to know if everything is ok or if I need to prepare myself for bad news again. I planned it so that I should be about 7 weeks along. If we go by LMP, I should be 8 weeks today, but if we go by the positive OPKs and the BFPs, I think I'm closer to 6 weeks. I've been two weeks behind or more with the last 3, so it's fair to assume I'll follow suit this time.

Hubbs and I are actually talking about names and possibilities, we've told Ducky and I think she understands the concept. I guess it's a little crazy now that I realize she's not even two and a half yet and I'm pregnant for the 3rd time since she was born. That's kind of insane. On a pregnancy streak since 2013... I so hope this is the last one. Two is a nice number. There are enough hands for you to wrangle them by yourself. There's a nice one-on-one ratio for outings. Seeing my SiL's with many more than two might have jaded us a bit, but it seems like a wise idea to not let the children outnumber you.

I'll keep you posted after the appointment next week. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's pretty hard some times. I just want to be excited and happy and enjoy the nausea, dizziness, and obnoxiously early RLP, but the pessimist in me just doubts so hard that things will work out the way I desperately want them to. I have flashbacks to Lumpy and the worry and that complete feeling of helplessness. Flashbacks to December when we thought we got our Christmas miracle only to have it snatched away a few weeks later.

I know that every pregnancy is different. It's a totally different genetic scenario and anything is possible. I'll relax for hopefully a little bit once we pass all of the milestones, heartbeat, anatomy scan, full term, take-home baby. Even then I'm sure I will worry, but I just long for those moments when you hold your baby close and know that everything is perfect and wonderful and right in your little world.

No Squinting Needed Here

After dealing with barely visible lines on my internet cheapies twice a day for the last 3 days because I'm an insane person who refused to believe what I was seeing... There's no need to squint for these.

The streak of getting pregnant on or finding out around holidays and special occasions continues! Now to tell Hubbs. He already suspects, but I want to confirm it in some sort of adorable way.

Checking In and Holy Crap

Lately it's seemed like I only ever check in and post when something big happens. I apologize for that, I always make excuses about general life, work, etc getting in the way of blogging, but I need to be better. No matter how tired, late, boring I think I am, I will take the time to post at least once a week. I'm making solid promises here readers.

My promotion at work has kept me insanely busy, there never seem to be enough hours in the day. I work almost 10 hours a day and still don't finish all of the tasks required for the day. Management has completely overloaded the three of us that hold my position and show no signs of trying to rectify it by promoting or hiring new people.

Hubbs, Ducky, and I are all doing well. We're busy but happy and Ducky awes and amazes us every day. She's so clever and hilarious, she sings like an angel (according to Hubbs), and loves to play cook in her little Ikea kitchen. Hubbs and I have been sticking to our diet for about 3 weeks now. 2 weeks in I was down 14lbs. The 3 week weigh-in is Tuesday, but I don't think I'll see much of a shift in the numbers this week.

In other news, there is the tiniest, smallest, minuscule possibility that I am pregnant again. I used OPKs this cycle and got a positive about a week later than I was expecting. Here we are 13 days later and my internet cheapies are showing the faintest hint of a line.

The bottom one is from last night, the top one from this morning. Do you see it? Am I insane? The ClearBlue digital was a BFN, but those are less reliable for early testing anyway. I am cautiously optimistic and will keep peeing in those obnoxiously tiny cups for a few more days until the line gets less imaginary and more definitive. A few people on a forum said they see it, but I'm refusing to believe it.

Even if in a few days, I get a positive, I'm not sure I want to tell Hubbs until I'm sure it's for real. With everything that happened with Lumpy and our MMC in January, I just don't want to get his hopes up. Heck, I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel like we've both developed a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from that pain. The MMC sucked, but it was so much easier to take than when we lost Lumpy. I told myself that if I ever got pregnant again it would be the last one no matter what the outcome because I didn't want to go through it all over again. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Checking In

It's been a while since I've posted. It was a combination of busy work life, exciting new endeavors, and pretty much doing everything but sitting down and writing.

We closed on the new house, and have been busy getting it updated and ready for our move in later this month. We've ordered new windows, floors, and a door. Had drywall work patched and prepped for painting. We've narrowed down paint colors and need to spend a good long weekend painting everything before the new floors go in. Basically every spare evening or weekend afternoon has been spent getting bids or choosing materials. When we bought our first house, everything was move-in ready, so this is all new to us. I'm excited to see the finished product even though we have other projects planned pretty much every year for the next two years.

I've physically recovered from the toll of my miscarriage and subsequent D&C. I'm fairly certain I've mentally recovered as well. I've had a few sad moments over the last few months, but feel better overall.

We're coming up on what would have been Lumpy's first birthday and it's been emotional thinking about that. Hubbs and I are doing ok and keep the lines of communication open. We had a great cry just the other night. We're not sure what we're going to do for his birthday yet, but hopefully something to remember and celebrate him.

A lot of crazy things have happened in Hubbs' side of the family lately. We're all reeling and trying to figure out how to process the news. I'll post about it later once I've wrapped my head around the situation and we have a better understanding of the aftershocks and consequences.

Work is going decently. I still dislike aspects of my job, but I'm comfortable and have put in enough time and effort that I'm considered a valuable asset and am treated as such. I still think about leaving and starting over somewhere else with duties that more closely involve my interests, but right now the money is really great, so it's hard to justify leaving.

I feel like I make a lot of promises about blogging more often, and I stick to it for a while but eventually fall back into bad habits. I'll just give myself a pat on the back for blogging today and try to check back in every once in a while.

We're TTC again with all the fun of temping and charting. Perhaps for Mother's Day this year I should get myself a big pack of OPK's because we all know how fun peeing on sticks, dipping strips in pee cups, or dipping strips and sticks in cups, whatever floats your boat, is.

11 months

It's been 11 months since my son died. Some days I feel normal. Some days I can keep myself distracted with work. Some days, like today, I can't help but still feel like nothing more than a mother who lost a child. I sometimes wonder when things will go back to normal, but they never will. I will always be without a piece of my heart.

Home Buying

This home buying thing is getting a little less fun now that we have to pay off our car to qualify because we can no longer use our rental income. Apparently renting to family is a no-no for that. Thank goodness paying off our car is all we need to do, otherwise this whole deal would fall apart and so many of our family members are counting on it to go through. The family we're buying the house from had no idea that selling a house came with closing costs for the Seller too, so we're now paying for those. Also, we need to buy a new washer, dryer, dishwasher, and oven.... holy hell this is all starting to add up.

My next paycheck will reflect my amazing new bonuses thanks to the promotion I finally received after almost 2 years of promises. Hubbs gets paid one more time before we're expected to close, I'll get paid one more time just before we close, and hopefully our tax refund comes in time for closing as well. If it doesn't, we'll still be ok, but it would be nice to be reimbursed for the insane expenses we're dealing with all at once.

We'll tackle all the medical bills from my miscarriage later. For now, we're just staying positive and hopefully frugal for the next few weeks. I'll just be so happy once we get the appraisal out of the way and know that everything is going to work out fine (or not fine). I generally feel calm and confident that everything will work out, but every once in a while I get these little whispers of doubt. We need so much luck!

In other, more TMI news, still no AF after my D&C. Coming up on 8 weeks, BFN last week before my MRI. It's so odd after so many years of eagerly trying to get pregnant and dreading AF of really wanting it to come so I can at least track everything properly and actually start trying again.

POAS Time

Well, it's been 6 weeks since my D&C, about 5 more days before that since the MC started in general and still no AF. I know technically it can take longer than 6 weeks to get it back, but we've had a few BC mishaps over the last 4 weeks and anything is possible. I'm not holding out much hope, but it would be nice to see a BFP in the morning.

We've got lots of exciting things in the works, closing on a new house in about 3 weeks if all goes according to plan. Work is going well and everything seems to be on the up and up. Things at Hubbs' job are going great and even though working opposite shifts from each other makes things a little more difficult, we still make time for each other.

We filed our taxes early again and I seriously get such a kick out of doing it. Finding all of the required forms, organizing everything, seeing what deductions/credits/etc you're eligible for, oddly makes it kind of thrilling. Next year I'm excited because we might get to do itemized deductions!

I do feel like time is going by so quickly. It's been 10 months already since we lost Lumpy and it all went by in such a blur. Sure the first few months was recovering from multiple surgeries and trying to process the grief and what we went through. Eventually, once I went back to work fully, everything just sort of went back to normal and I was so busy taking everything one day at a time, I didn't have much time for anything else.

I've put in some overtime for the last few weeks and I'm questioning whether it's something I want to keep doing. I miss out on time with Hubbs, I miss out on time with Ducky, I'm certainly not going to wish I spent more time at the office rather than at home. When I get to be home with both of them on our days off, it just seems like the weekend flies by and before I can blink, it's Monday again.

After we close on the house and Hubbs passes his probationary period at work, we'll have a lot more options. I have an interview lined up within the next few weeks, and while it would be less money, it would be less stress and less time at the office. We're financially at the point where I technically don't need to work, but it would be wise to keep it up for a while longer until we're out of debt. Two cars, some student loans, and a bit of medical debt from this last pregnancy and then we'll just have the house to worry about.

Lots of things to look forward to in the near future. I still need to remember to remind myself to enjoy today too.

Toddlers

Today was a tiring day. The whole long weekend really was exhausting. I was hoping to squeeze in some work when I had time, but Ducky decided to become a full-blown toddler. If I try to see it from her perspective, I think I can understand why she was so frustrated with everything. Nothing quite went her way, I wouldn't let her sit and pretend to go potty for as long as she wanted, wouldn't let her play with dangerous things, and spent very little time with her all week. She got up several times in the night wanting cuddles, kisses, and hugs. She threw many tantrums for no discernible reasons. There were plenty of times where I silently questioned why anyone would be crazy enough to go through this stage more than once. You really do start longing for the simpler times when all you had to do was hold them, feed them, and let them sleep. It seriously made me question my desire to have another child.

My promotion officially started on Friday. I moved in to my office and have a few of my very own files. I'm nervous, feel a little overwhelmed, but I hope that overall it will be a good thing. I still find myself questioning why I stay at this job when I hate so many aspects of it. I've applied for other positions, but nothing is panning out. The problem is that I'm really not sure what I want to do, I have many ideas, but I know it isn't this. I stay because the money is decent and Hubbs and I are so close to buying our new house. After we close, that's another matter all together, but for now, I stay. I will definitely have to put a limit on my hours though. Working so much overtime the last week was very hard on Ducky and I am saddened that I spent so much of what little time we have before she goes to bed away from her.

Hubbs enjoys his job and is looking forward to advancement opportunities. Apparently they work on a first in, first up system, so there are a few more people in line for a promotion before him. He still keeps one eye on his old workplace just in case a new position opens up there, but for now, he enjoys his significantly larger paychecks.

I'm feeling optimistic about the future, which I think is something I'd been lacking lately. It's starting to get warmer and it looks like the harsh winter might be coming to an end. I feel like for the most part, when it's cold and dreary, I just want to stay home and curl up all day. It's hard to find the motivation to go out and do anything really. I kind of just zombie my way through the days, going through the motions. Perhaps that's why I want to live somewhere with less severe seasons and more consistent weather year-round.

Two!

I'm trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have a two year old now. She's very bossy, opinionated, and everything must be just so. She's silly, funny, and interested in how everything works. She wants to be a part of everything Mommy and Daddy are doing and always likes to help with chores. She's amazing.

I had my checkup at the Dr and everything is hunky-dory. Apparently I'd retained a the placenta, which was causing all of the labor pain and trouble. We have to wait for AF to return, and then we're free to go ahead and try again.

I'm also amazed with the fact that my child is only two and in that time frame I have had another baby, and a miscarriage. That's a little insane... 3 pregnancies in two years? We just want another baby so badly and it's medically safe to go for it. I don't know, sometimes it takes 8 months of actively trying to get pregnant, and sometimes it only takes two months, occasionally it takes almost 3 years. I think we should just pull the goalie and see what happens. If we ever actually get to take home another healthy baby, it will be our last. Definitely the last.

In work news, I have yet again been promised my promotion that I have been promised for the last year and a half. I was supposed to start Monday, but now there's no one to take over my current position, so I'll just be stuck doing it for a while longer. I'm getting so sick of it. Maybe one of the many applications I threw out to the universe over the weekend will pan out and I won't have to worry anymore.

Apologies to the Internet

My TMI post about poop is one of my most popular posts for the year, I apologize internet... Hubbs was amused as well, but I debated telling him about it, so you were the first to know.

I'm recovering well from my D&C. I have my follow-up appointment on Wednesday and am confident things will go well. I'm nervous about finding out when we can start trying again.

I went on a job application spree over the weekend because quite frankly, I'm tired of waiting for a promotion I've been promised for the last year and a half. It was almost given to me and then taken away when they found out I was pregnant. They still haven't officially told me I don't have it, but they lowered my pay rate and are training someone else for the job. I'm just sick of feeling unappreciated. Hopefully one of the many new jobs I've applied for pans out. The good news is we're in a bit of a peak at work right now, so I'll get some overtime. There will definitely be a lot more stress involved, but more money to be had as well. With the goal of saving as much as possible within the next 4 months, any extra money thrown my way is something to be happy about.

Hubbs parents have given us the official word that they are moving here, so I'm excited that we don't have to go through the property management company and get other tenants. It's nice to finally have that squared away. Now we're just waiting for notification that the tenant in the house we're buying has given her 30 day notice so we can get the ball rolling on our loan. Everything should go smoothly with that since I've spoken with work and they are confident everything will go through. We're really excited to have an actual house with a yard and can't wait to put in a little sweat equity to really make it our own. We purposely kept our current townhome as-is for ease of renting in the future. I've been watching way too many home renovation shows in preparation for the move. I've also probably vastly overestimating our DIY abilities. Luckily we have a friend who works for a general contractor to help with the tough stuff.

2015 was a rather rough year, and even though we started 2016 off in a low place as well, we have a lot to look forward to and a lot of hope for the future. 

Largest Poop

This is very TMI but I feel like the world needs to know. I've been extremely constipated for the last week, I think it was a combination of pain meds and labor pains that stopped everything. Today, I finally felt the urge to go after 4 days of colace. I weighed myself before and after. My ridiculous poop weighed 4.2 lbs... seriously gross, and seriously insane.

D&C Scheduled and Labor Pains

Had an ultrasound today to confirm if I'd retained any tissue after the two rounds of Cytotec. I've been having horrible contractions and back labor pain since Saturday. They were able to confirm that I didn't pass everything, so my D&C is scheduled for sometime tomorrow.

Luckily, Hubbs has off work tomorrow and Wednesday, so he'll be home to watch me and take care of Ducky. She'll stay in daycare during the day, but he'll be helpful at night and mornings, as well as driving her to and from daycare.

Next time I know, just opt for the D&C from the start. These contractions are no joke. I'd say just a shade below when I was induced with Ducky and after 12 hours of pitocin I was begging for the epidural. I could barely talk through them and just started making unintelligible noises. The bleeding has picked up as well, but still considered "moderate" by my OB's standards.

They did prescribe me something to help with the pain until my prodecude, so hopefully it will take the edge off and make it bearable. Wish me luck tomorrow.

Contractions

So it seemed like everything was slowing down after the first two days of my miscarriage. Now, I've been having lower back pain and definite contractions. They were worse this afternoon, but it is unpleasant. The good news is, if this is anything like what actual natural labor will feel like, my VBAC will be a piece of cake as long as I'm not induced again.

I'm going to put a call in to the OB tomorrow, since they've been closed all weekend, but it definitely seems like things are ramping up instead of slowing down. I chose the medication option in the hopes that it would go a lot quicker than waiting for it to happen naturally, but now that it just keeps dragging on, I wonder if I should have just chosen the D&C.

I'll see what the doctor says when I call, for now I'm just going to keep resting, taking my Tylenol and Ibuprofen as often as allowed, and stay hydrated.

TMI Alert

Sticking actual pills that people would normally swallow up your hoo-ha is an interesting experience. It's even weirder when you have to do the second dose and still feel the pills from the first dose just chilling up there. For a second, I was confused as to what it was, and then remembered.

I started the process 12 hours ago and I'm hoping the worst of it is over. I might be delusional, but aside from the huge clot that I passed a few hours after the bleeding started, it's not much worse than one of my regular periods, which have been shockingly heavy for the most part.

I'm taking the time to just rest and relax, and leveling one of my abandoned toons in WoW because it's a nice and easy distraction. I did finally tell everyone about the miscarriage as well. It wasn't too bad, so far everyone has been very supportive and sympathetic, which is nice.

Miscarriage

It's official, no growth on ultrasound, no visible embryo, still just a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring about 5.5-6 weeks. I opted for Cytotec rather than the D&C. The Doctor is optimistic and thinks that things should go smoothly. I was so nervous before my appointment, I was nauseated and my blood pressure was through the roof. After everything was confirmed, I felt an immense sense of relief and instantly calmed down. I like that there's certainty now and that there are no more "what ifs".

Tomorrow is the day, so I'll be camped out in front of the TV most of the day wearing my adult diapers and super extra maxi pads. I'll go back in 2 weeks just to make sure everything is all clear. I asked the doctor about when we could try again and he recommended waiting until after AF returns, so it'll be probably about a month or two before we can try.

Buying our new house might get bumped up, we were originally planning to close in June, but now it's looking like it might be March instead, so that will give me something more immediate to look forward to.

I really think the uncertainty was the worst part of it, and can just work towards moving on, healing, and taking care of myself. I probably won't post for a few days, but I'll be back when I feel up to it. Thanks for reading and for your continued support, I really appreciate it!

Dreading Tomorrow

Just about 13 hours before my appointment tomorrow. Viability ultrasound followed by the bad news train with the doctor. I know what's going to happen. I've been having spotting on and off all week. Went in today for the blood draw for my RhoGAM shot, which I'll need to go back for tomorrow. I'll go in for the ultrasound, and they'll see the same thing as last week, a gestational sac and a yolk sac, maybe an embryo, because they'll be using a slightly better machine, but no heartbeat.

I went to the store today and picked up supplies for the inevitable. a 30-pack of extra super absorbency pads, and a 15-pack of depends because I don't want to ruin too many pairs of underwear. I'm dreading telling everyone that we're no longer expecting our Christmas miracle and that we've suffered two losses in a row.

Losing this small ball of cells doesn't even come close to the pain of losing an actual, real, live baby. I'm still sad though. We had hope, we had wishes and dreams, and all of those have been taken away for the time being. We've spent over a year now preparing for the idea of two children, and twice we've been denied. I was just really getting used to the idea of two, and I was looking forward to seeing Ducky as a big sister.

Our window for childbearing keeps shrinking and shrinking and with every loss it just makes it seem less far away. I do not want to have children past the age of 35. We still want to be able to retire when we're relatively young and can take the time to enjoy it.

Ducky turns two in a few weeks, and it's crazy to me. In those two short years our lives have changed so dramatically and wonderfully. Perhaps sometimes I need to stop and remember the good things. How lucky we are to have stable jobs, a house of our own, and an amazing daughter.

Waiting

Dr called today to confirm beta results and that they think I will likely miscarry. I worry every time I stand up, every time I go to the bathroom, I'm just dreading the sight of blood.

I'm still having my viability ultrasound on Wednesday, and I'll meet with the OB after to go over my options. I really just want all of this to be over. I was expecting a baby and now I'm not, my body just has failed to realize it. I'm sure there's something like a 1% chance that everything could still be ok, but the realist in me is just waiting for the inevitable.

The whole situation just sucks. Hubbs doesn't get it, it's always easier for men, the pregnancy part isn't as real for them. He is being supportive and great as always. Love that man.

Decreasing Betas

Well, apparently this time two weeks behind was a bad thing. First beta was ok and within normal levels for where the doctor guessed I was. Second beta decreased slightly. I'm not holding out any hope for the followup ultrasound on Wednesday.

I knew when the doctor was saying that I was around 5.5 weeks that he couldn't be right because the dates didn't make any sense. It's far more likely that right when the heart was supposed to start beating, it just didn't. Now I'm sitting her paranoid that I'll just start bleeding at any minute.

If given the option, I think I'll choose the D&C, waiting for my body to recognize what's happening just seems like torture. I've already missed 2 days of work from all of the worry.

I had so much hope for our rainbow and now it's just slipping away. This sucks.

The Streak Continues

I was worried today when I went in for my first appointment and yet again I was measuring 2 weeks behind LMP. Thank goodness for this blog and I can see that with both Ducky and Lumpy I was between 2-3 weeks behind, so this should be fine. I shouldn't freak out, everything will be ok. Right?

I had my first beta draw today, I'll go back Friday for the 2nd, hopefully things double like they are supposed to and next week, when I go back in, we see a tiny but measurable embryo. The doctor estimated I was between 5.5-6 weeks today, because I had a huge gestational sac and an obvious yolk sac. I'm going to believe that this LO was just hiding somewhere near the edge and hard to see.  It's also probably just a singleton unless for some weird reason there's two babies sharing a yolk sac, which I know is technically possible, but rare, so probably just one.

He did say though that I was a great VBAC candidate and even if I need to be induced due to Pre-eclampsia again that we can still probably go for it. That was exciting. Although I felt that I actually recovered from my c-section faster than my vaginal delivery, the sheer amount of puking and having my insides re-arranged is something I'm looking forward to avoiding.

I am starting a baby aspirin regimen and after my ultrasound next week, assuming everything is on the up and up, they'll order preliminary blood work for kidney function, etc, to get a baseline for if $#it hits the fan later. I'm definitely feeling a lot more optimistic now than I was earlier today. I only worked for a few hours after my appointment and came home and sulked for a while. I have a feeling that waiting until next week for the follow-up is going to feel like forever, it's like the horrible TWW for that BFP all over again.

The new semester has started and I've decided to only take one class. It's online, so not too bad. I have an essay due Sunday, so that will keep me distracted for at least a little while. Perhaps I'll pick up crochet again when I finish my paper, I have to make something for this LO, right? I guess I could also make one of Ducky's stuffed animals a little hat or something. Maybe I'll do that as a practice run. Wish me luck! I really hope this rainbow sticks and that everything turns out just fine!

No Promotion?

In continuing the trend of not talking to me about important decisions that directly impact my career. The promotion that I was finally offered after over 2 years of promises, was offered to one of my good friends in the office. I mentioned to management, when I was forced to announce my pregnancy earlier than I wanted to, that now would not be the best time, because by the time I was comfortable in the job, they would need someone to cover for me on maternity leave. This apparently translated into, "No, I do not want the job".
I am so confused right now and have no idea what to do. I know a lot of the comments that were made were in my best interests and looking out for my well-being. Obviously, I have had issues with blood pressure in the past, and my bosses are aware of that. They are aware of how sensitive this pregnancy is, not only because it's so soon after my c-section, but also after the loss of my son. I will likely be considered high-risk this time around as well, which will lead to more than average doctors appointments. I know they are looking out for me and don't want to cause me any extra, unnecessary stress... but I'm still feeling rather insulted.
My friend isn't sure if she's going to take the job, they gave her until Monday to decide, so we'll see. I am thinking though that if she refuses the job, I will also decline it. The way our workload is right now, we really don't need 3 of that job title, the company would do just fine with 2. I'm even debating about dropping one of my classes and just taking one this semester. Partially because additional stress is bad, and partly because I know we're going to need that extra money for doctors visits.
Oh how I wish I could go back 2 months and not choose the high deductible plan when enrolling in our new health insurance plan. What was I thinking?! The good news is, if we continue to work hard, and focus on saving our extra money, we will have a hefty baby-fund saved up for when we need it.

In other news, Hubbs and I got in to one of our rare fights tonight. He was pissy because I had a moment of weakness with our diet. I don't want to blame the pregnancy, but when you have a craving for something it's really hard to resist it. Really fricking hard. I ate one slice of pizza at Costco and suddenly it's the end of the world. Technically, yes, I have a bit of a problem with food, and I was relying on him to police me about it. I just find it hard to stick to specific foods when I'm pregnant. Maybe some of it is apathy or laziness or something else, but I just want to shovel comfort food in my face. Everything is stressful right now, my forward momentum at work has come to a screeching halt, I'm jumping back in to school for the first time in years, I'm growing a human and haven't had my first OB visit yet to know that everything is going fine. This pregnancy feels completely different than the last 2 and it's worrying. Generally, the rule is, if there's no bleeding or severe cramping, everything should be fine. There's always that little worry in the back of your mind that's hard to shake.

Promotion

Today I was essentially offered the promotion I've been promised for the last year and a half. There's been so much build up to this moment and now that it's here, I'm not even sure that I want it. It's a lot more work for not much more money and a lot more stress. The last thing I need right now is more stress. History has shown that my blood pressure is temperamental and doesn't like big changes.

I'm pregnant, I'm tired, I'm not feeling 100%. I've already taken on 6 credits for starting up school again this semester. I cannot put in the overtime that they like to see out of this position (something I told them flat out when they originally mentioned it to me). Perhaps I just don't have the energy or drive to devote to it.

Hubbs works a lot, and since we work opposite shifts for the most part, I do not see him often. I'm alone with Ducky most of the time. After she goes to bed, I have a few hours before I get too tired and pass out for the night. I now have to use at least half of that "me time" for studying. I'm worried that if I go to them and say that it's just not a good time, that they'll fire me or something along those lines. Management has a history of pushing pink slips when they hear something they don't like. I have no idea what to do. I wound up having to tell them I was pregnant earlier than I wanted to because they made all of these grand plans without my input. I told them the timing wasn't great because the minute I get comfortable performing my new duties and really have the hang of everything, I'll be going on maternity leave. They're just pushing forward full steam ahead and just driving over my concerns.

Hubbs makes more money now, if I did get fired, I could always go back to temping. It's not great, but it's something. I suppose this will all be a moot point if it turns out our rainbow is a double rainbow (twins) because we won't be able to afford three in day care anyway. I feel like I'm being swept away in the tide and torn between fighting it and trying to swim for the shore I know, and just letting it drag me away to a strange and mysterious new land. What would you do?