Monday, August 17, 2015


I have very limited experience with therapists. I went to one in college because my grades were low enough that it was a requirement to stay in school. It's just weird to me spilling your innermost thoughts and feelings to a complete stranger.

I decided to go this time around because I'm not sure if I'm handling things as well as I could, or should. I don't know how an average person should feel just 3 short months after a part of you dies. I'm not sure how well our first session went, it was more of an introductory get-to-know-you kind of thing where I blurted out all of the things that have happened to me over the years leading up to this moment.

Things I realized about myself (whether I was aware of them before today or not) during the session were :

1. The face I show the world and my true face are not the same.
2. I've spent a lot of my life being emotionally beaten down.
3. I have a problem expressing my feelings and emotions.
4. My personality is a tangle of contradictions. 

I'll be meeting with her for the next few months on a bi-weekly basis. I'm not sure what I'm hoping to get out of it. Maybe a sense of comfort in knowing that it's normal and ok to not be ok all of the time, and allow myself to ask for help. I'm big on being strong and not needing help. Emotions (like sadness) were a sign of weakness, needing help just proves that you're not strong enough. These are things that I need to get out of my stubborn head. 

I guess I can give myself a pat on the back for recognizing that getting through this is something that I cannot do on my own. It is ok to ask for help, it doesn't make you weak, if anything, it means you were strong enough take that first step towards getting better.

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