Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Labor Day

So we're going to my parent's house for Labor Day weekend to watch the doggies whilst they're taking a mini-vacation. There won't be any posts while we're gone.

I'm still just patiently waiting for my lab results. I had a job interview today and that distracted me for a bit. Hopefully i get it because their insurance is 10x better than my current company's AND they start your very first day. Seriously hoping that i get the job and that more of our IF treatments are going to be covered.

Even the term Labor Day has a new meaning for me now when you have babies on the brain. All i can think about is how someday i hope to have my own labor day. Getting to do horrifying things like squeeze a watermelon out of a lemon-sized area and probably poop myself, but have it all be worth it for a teeny little joy-bundle that will be all ours.

I'm not even sure that anyone is reading this... but it definitely helps me just to get all my feelings out and not keep them bottled up.

So i picked up those ovulation tester kit things, and right on the box it says "conditions like PCOS may interfere with the accuracy of this test" (or something similar) WTF lady doctor? It says right on the box that something i have can invalidate the test. Why did you make me go out and waste money on these?!?! grrrrr. My cycle should be starting next week, so i guess i'll try it anyway but that is extremely frustrating.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Dr's Visit #1

So i met lady doctor, she was very nice and answered all of my questions before poking around my vagina rudely with cold instruments and pokey things.

The good news though was that she said everything looks good. She made me a lot more hopeful in terms of the babymaking.

To be safe, i asked her about the blood work, she said if i wanted, i could go today and they could to the hormone tests and to test my insulin levels and things like that. Since i hadn't eaten at all from being so nervous i was able to go right after my appointment. Blood takers love me, i have super awesome veins. So they drew 5 vials and apparently are going to freeze them. For some reason hormone testing blood samples need to be frozen. interesting.

Anyways, she also recommended i get some ovulation tester kits. So we can check and see if i'm ovulating. If not, then we can go ahead and start with some of the ovulation inducing drugs, but until then, she told me to test and see. I also took the liberty of buying a thermometer too. Since every blog everywhere keeps talking about the BBT (basal body temperature) to help track ovulation as well.

My cycles are weird. A majority of the time they come around every 35-37 days. So lady doctor told me i should probably be ovulating around day 22 of my cycle. Since most people ovulate 14 days before their period. Mine should be due next week, so looking forward to tracking temps and peeing in a cup? What has my life become? lol.

Going to the doctor totally eased my mind. She reassured me that PCOS is very treatable and that she'll do everything she can to help us get pregnant. Man i like this lady doctor.

So now i just sit around and wait some more for the blood work results. Supposedly that should be within the next 4 days or so. Here's to hoping everything turns out ok. Fingers crossed.


Waiting to go to the lady doctor for my first post-diagnosis appointment. My stomach is a ball of knots, can't even be bothered to eat breakfast.

The funny thing about abbreviating infertility as IF is that is really is the land of if. What if this, what if that? Everything so far has just been a swirly frightening spiral of asking myself "what if?"

I'm definitely scared, nervous, worried, freaked out, sad, a complete emotional wreck.

I've been reading some other blogs, people struggling with IF, it's comforting to know that a majority of them were eventually able to get pregnant. I'm hoping with all of my heart that we'll get to be one of those lucky ones too.

Right now though, i just want to make it to my appointment without throwing up or bursting into tears. Hopefully not both at the same time, that would just be awkward. lol.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Does Insurance Actually Pay For ANYTHING?

So in my nervousness about my appointment with my lady doctor tomorrow i decided to check my insurance packet thing (that i never bothered to read before today) and check what services are covered. When it comes to the magical land of IF, it doesn't seem like much. No medications. A handful of procedures that i'll have to google cause i have no idea what the heck they are... maybe i'll list them here and some wise fairy from the interwebs will just tell me.

1. Fulguration of ova ducts - from what google tells me this is some sort of surgery thingy.

2. Hysteroscopy - take a fancy look at uterus lining.

3. Hysterosalpingogram - x-ray of uterus and fallopian tubes.

4. Larascopy - surgery with a stick instead of cutting you open.

5. Certain laboratory tests - oh thanks a lot insurance company. that is SOOOOO helpful. wtf? did the author of this terrible benefits packet go home early that day and leave it at that? WHAT DOES IT MEAN!?!?

There is something here called an adoption indemnity benefit, up to $4,000 for our state. Apparently that means we'll be reimbursed up to $4,000 if we adopt a newborn that's less than 90-days old. Yea, like those are easy to come by. sheesh. Everyone knows how fricking in demand newborns are when it comes to adoption. Eff you insurance company, maybe we wanted to adopt a 2 year-old. Y U NO PAY US FOR THAT?!! (A brief note, i myself was adopted and have always wanted to adopt at least one child, regardless of whether or not Hubbs and i would be able to conceive one of our own. Luckily Hubbs is totally on board for this and i am so thankful for that. Starting next August we'll be eligible to put our names down on the adoption list and we are super excited about it.)

I'm suddenly incredibly fearful about how much all of this is going to cost us. Especially since Hubbs is currently out of work and i'm on a medical leave from my job for the complete and utter emotional turmoil that has been my state of mind for the last month or so.

I'm certain being stressed about everything isn't helping the situation. I managed to force myself to sleep for 14 hours yesterday and all day today i've just been feeling nauseated and have this annoying twinge of pain coming from the general area of Lefty (sure, why not name the giant left ovary. Lefty, seems like a good name).

I'm just going to do the best that i can to remain calm. I have also yet to explain to Hubbs that at some point during all this, he's probably gonna have to aim some of his swimmers into a cup... maybe i'll let the nice lady doctor explain that tomorrow.

I just want to take a moment to gush about Hubbs. He knows i have an affinity for sweet treats, especially when i'm feeling down. After he went to the eye doctor to get his new glasses tweaked, he came home, opened the door, had both his hands behind his back. And said "Pick left or right, choose wisely" he paused and said "ok, i'll let you choose by looking instead" he brought home 2 Wendy's frosty shakes, one chocolate, one strawberry. Knowing his affinity for strawberry, and mine for chocolate, i chose chocolate. He then said "i thought you might need a sweet treat". Have i mentioned how much i love this man?

Celebrity Gossip and Status Updates.

I used to get a kick out of reading celebrity news stories and catching up with all my geeky friends on twitter. Now that every other news story/tweet is insert-celebrity-name-here is pregnant! it just makes me even more depressed.

Facebook is even now a nagging reminder that i'm not as lucky as the rest of my married friends. The majority of them have adorable babies or are pregnant or post pictures of their cute nieces/nephews. All the casual mentions of their little joy bundles feel like i'm being punched in the stomach repeatedly.

Pathetically i spent about half an hour today looking at nyan cat videos on youtube. Maybe i'll watch some more cat videos in general. Despite their stupidity, one can be sure there will be no mention of babies.


A few months ago, i had gone to the doctor for a pelvic ultrasound for some lower abdominal pain. At the time, they were mostly looking to make sure my appendix wasn't the issue, so when the technician noted that my ovaries looked larger than normal, i guess they didn't really think much of it.

I finally went for a follow-up ultrasound 2 weeks ago, and while my left ovary is still larger than the right one, they noted the characteristic "string of pearls" on my ovaries that is consistent with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). They couldn't get me in to see the lady doctor until tomorrow. I have this thing and will only see female gynecologists, and i don't really feel comfortable talking to my regular doctor (who's male) about lady issues. So for the last 2 weeks i've just been agonizing over everything.

I went to the library and read several books about PCOS and of course went to the trusty interwebs to find information as well. Apparently it affects about 5%-10% of women and luckily is one of the more treatable causes of IF (Infertility).

When i was first diagnosed, i was so down. My husband (who shall henceforth be known as Hubbs) kept trying to ask me what was wrong, but i wasn't ready to talk about it. Later that night i finally told him. I cried. It was ok when i was the only one who knew carrying this weight by myself. But telling him just made it all so real. Now we're sharing this burden together.

Hubbs has been incredibly supportive throughout everything so far. He's there to hug me when i need a hug, and holds me when i cry. Sometimes i feel like i'm in mourning for our old life, when everything was easy and we didn't know that there was this huge uphill battle ahead of us.

Every time we go to a family function or to church it's so hard for me to see all of these people with their adorable babies and children. I can't help but worry and wonder if we're ever going to be lucky enough to have that.

My first official appointment is tomorrow. From what i've read, it seems that they'll order some blood tests and do a physical exam to make sure that this is the only thing wrong and that it's not a multitude of things. I'm definitely scared. Hubbs is going to come with me, and i'm so thankful for that. It'll be really helpful to have him there supporting me.

I'm starting this blog so i can vent my frustrations and chronicle our journey to parenthood. I'm such a private person, i really don't want our families to know about the struggle we're having. Especially my family. My brother and his wife have been struggling for the last 5 years to get pregnant. She has PCOS too. They've had 5 rounds of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and none have been successful. She just turned 40. I'm hoping that because i'm still under 30 that it will be a little easier for us. Seeing them struggle has made me so much more fearful for our future.

Hubbs says i shouldn't worry until we know what exactly we're dealing with. I am trying. Sometimes it's just hard not to feel like this is my fault. And then i look at all of these couples who got pregnant by accident or who get pregnant so easily, and i can't help but resent them for it. And then i just feel guilty for even thinking that in the first place.

The last few weeks have just been a complete emotional roller-coaster. I can only imagine that the next few months/years will be just as trying. I do have comfort in the fact that at least we have each other. Whatever happens, we'll go through it together. We'll be each others pillars of support and hopefully our love and strength will get us through this.

So this is the place. Here i'll vent frustration, share triumph, and maybe be able to make sense of everything. Maybe you've had a similar experience and have some advice to share, maybe our story will help you in some way. Whenever you have a trial or are going through a difficult situation, it's always nice to know you're not alone.