Monday, August 29, 2011


A few months ago, i had gone to the doctor for a pelvic ultrasound for some lower abdominal pain. At the time, they were mostly looking to make sure my appendix wasn't the issue, so when the technician noted that my ovaries looked larger than normal, i guess they didn't really think much of it.

I finally went for a follow-up ultrasound 2 weeks ago, and while my left ovary is still larger than the right one, they noted the characteristic "string of pearls" on my ovaries that is consistent with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). They couldn't get me in to see the lady doctor until tomorrow. I have this thing and will only see female gynecologists, and i don't really feel comfortable talking to my regular doctor (who's male) about lady issues. So for the last 2 weeks i've just been agonizing over everything.

I went to the library and read several books about PCOS and of course went to the trusty interwebs to find information as well. Apparently it affects about 5%-10% of women and luckily is one of the more treatable causes of IF (Infertility).

When i was first diagnosed, i was so down. My husband (who shall henceforth be known as Hubbs) kept trying to ask me what was wrong, but i wasn't ready to talk about it. Later that night i finally told him. I cried. It was ok when i was the only one who knew carrying this weight by myself. But telling him just made it all so real. Now we're sharing this burden together.

Hubbs has been incredibly supportive throughout everything so far. He's there to hug me when i need a hug, and holds me when i cry. Sometimes i feel like i'm in mourning for our old life, when everything was easy and we didn't know that there was this huge uphill battle ahead of us.

Every time we go to a family function or to church it's so hard for me to see all of these people with their adorable babies and children. I can't help but worry and wonder if we're ever going to be lucky enough to have that.

My first official appointment is tomorrow. From what i've read, it seems that they'll order some blood tests and do a physical exam to make sure that this is the only thing wrong and that it's not a multitude of things. I'm definitely scared. Hubbs is going to come with me, and i'm so thankful for that. It'll be really helpful to have him there supporting me.

I'm starting this blog so i can vent my frustrations and chronicle our journey to parenthood. I'm such a private person, i really don't want our families to know about the struggle we're having. Especially my family. My brother and his wife have been struggling for the last 5 years to get pregnant. She has PCOS too. They've had 5 rounds of IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) and none have been successful. She just turned 40. I'm hoping that because i'm still under 30 that it will be a little easier for us. Seeing them struggle has made me so much more fearful for our future.

Hubbs says i shouldn't worry until we know what exactly we're dealing with. I am trying. Sometimes it's just hard not to feel like this is my fault. And then i look at all of these couples who got pregnant by accident or who get pregnant so easily, and i can't help but resent them for it. And then i just feel guilty for even thinking that in the first place.

The last few weeks have just been a complete emotional roller-coaster. I can only imagine that the next few months/years will be just as trying. I do have comfort in the fact that at least we have each other. Whatever happens, we'll go through it together. We'll be each others pillars of support and hopefully our love and strength will get us through this.

So this is the place. Here i'll vent frustration, share triumph, and maybe be able to make sense of everything. Maybe you've had a similar experience and have some advice to share, maybe our story will help you in some way. Whenever you have a trial or are going through a difficult situation, it's always nice to know you're not alone.

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