It's been 11 months since my son died. Some days I feel normal. Some days I can keep myself distracted with work. Some days, like today, I can't help but still feel like nothing more than a mother who lost a child. I sometimes wonder when things will go back to normal, but they never will. I will always be without a piece of my heart.
Sunday, March 13, 2016
My next paycheck will reflect my amazing new bonuses thanks to the promotion I finally received after almost 2 years of promises. Hubbs gets paid one more time before we're expected to close, I'll get paid one more time just before we close, and hopefully our tax refund comes in time for closing as well. If it doesn't, we'll still be ok, but it would be nice to be reimbursed for the insane expenses we're dealing with all at once.
We'll tackle all the medical bills from my miscarriage later. For now, we're just staying positive and hopefully frugal for the next few weeks. I'll just be so happy once we get the appraisal out of the way and know that everything is going to work out fine (or not fine). I generally feel calm and confident that everything will work out, but every once in a while I get these little whispers of doubt. We need so much luck!
In other, more TMI news, still no AF after my D&C. Coming up on 8 weeks, BFN last week before my MRI. It's so odd after so many years of eagerly trying to get pregnant and dreading AF of really wanting it to come so I can at least track everything properly and actually start trying again.
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
We've got lots of exciting things in the works, closing on a new house in about 3 weeks if all goes according to plan. Work is going well and everything seems to be on the up and up. Things at Hubbs' job are going great and even though working opposite shifts from each other makes things a little more difficult, we still make time for each other.
We filed our taxes early again and I seriously get such a kick out of doing it. Finding all of the required forms, organizing everything, seeing what deductions/credits/etc you're eligible for, oddly makes it kind of thrilling. Next year I'm excited because we might get to do itemized deductions!
I do feel like time is going by so quickly. It's been 10 months already since we lost Lumpy and it all went by in such a blur. Sure the first few months was recovering from multiple surgeries and trying to process the grief and what we went through. Eventually, once I went back to work fully, everything just sort of went back to normal and I was so busy taking everything one day at a time, I didn't have much time for anything else.
I've put in some overtime for the last few weeks and I'm questioning whether it's something I want to keep doing. I miss out on time with Hubbs, I miss out on time with Ducky, I'm certainly not going to wish I spent more time at the office rather than at home. When I get to be home with both of them on our days off, it just seems like the weekend flies by and before I can blink, it's Monday again.
After we close on the house and Hubbs passes his probationary period at work, we'll have a lot more options. I have an interview lined up within the next few weeks, and while it would be less money, it would be less stress and less time at the office. We're financially at the point where I technically don't need to work, but it would be wise to keep it up for a while longer until we're out of debt. Two cars, some student loans, and a bit of medical debt from this last pregnancy and then we'll just have the house to worry about.
Lots of things to look forward to in the near future. I still need to remember to remind myself to enjoy today too.
Monday, February 15, 2016
My promotion officially started on Friday. I moved in to my office and have a few of my very own files. I'm nervous, feel a little overwhelmed, but I hope that overall it will be a good thing. I still find myself questioning why I stay at this job when I hate so many aspects of it. I've applied for other positions, but nothing is panning out. The problem is that I'm really not sure what I want to do, I have many ideas, but I know it isn't this. I stay because the money is decent and Hubbs and I are so close to buying our new house. After we close, that's another matter all together, but for now, I stay. I will definitely have to put a limit on my hours though. Working so much overtime the last week was very hard on Ducky and I am saddened that I spent so much of what little time we have before she goes to bed away from her.
Hubbs enjoys his job and is looking forward to advancement opportunities. Apparently they work on a first in, first up system, so there are a few more people in line for a promotion before him. He still keeps one eye on his old workplace just in case a new position opens up there, but for now, he enjoys his significantly larger paychecks.
I'm feeling optimistic about the future, which I think is something I'd been lacking lately. It's starting to get warmer and it looks like the harsh winter might be coming to an end. I feel like for the most part, when it's cold and dreary, I just want to stay home and curl up all day. It's hard to find the motivation to go out and do anything really. I kind of just zombie my way through the days, going through the motions. Perhaps that's why I want to live somewhere with less severe seasons and more consistent weather year-round.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
I had my checkup at the Dr and everything is hunky-dory. Apparently I'd retained a the placenta, which was causing all of the labor pain and trouble. We have to wait for AF to return, and then we're free to go ahead and try again.
I'm also amazed with the fact that my child is only two and in that time frame I have had another baby, and a miscarriage. That's a little insane... 3 pregnancies in two years? We just want another baby so badly and it's medically safe to go for it. I don't know, sometimes it takes 8 months of actively trying to get pregnant, and sometimes it only takes two months, occasionally it takes almost 3 years. I think we should just pull the goalie and see what happens. If we ever actually get to take home another healthy baby, it will be our last. Definitely the last.
In work news, I have yet again been promised my promotion that I have been promised for the last year and a half. I was supposed to start Monday, but now there's no one to take over my current position, so I'll just be stuck doing it for a while longer. I'm getting so sick of it. Maybe one of the many applications I threw out to the universe over the weekend will pan out and I won't have to worry anymore.
Monday, February 1, 2016
I'm recovering well from my D&C. I have my follow-up appointment on Wednesday and am confident things will go well. I'm nervous about finding out when we can start trying again.
I went on a job application spree over the weekend because quite frankly, I'm tired of waiting for a promotion I've been promised for the last year and a half. It was almost given to me and then taken away when they found out I was pregnant. They still haven't officially told me I don't have it, but they lowered my pay rate and are training someone else for the job. I'm just sick of feeling unappreciated. Hopefully one of the many new jobs I've applied for pans out. The good news is we're in a bit of a peak at work right now, so I'll get some overtime. There will definitely be a lot more stress involved, but more money to be had as well. With the goal of saving as much as possible within the next 4 months, any extra money thrown my way is something to be happy about.
Hubbs parents have given us the official word that they are moving here, so I'm excited that we don't have to go through the property management company and get other tenants. It's nice to finally have that squared away. Now we're just waiting for notification that the tenant in the house we're buying has given her 30 day notice so we can get the ball rolling on our loan. Everything should go smoothly with that since I've spoken with work and they are confident everything will go through. We're really excited to have an actual house with a yard and can't wait to put in a little sweat equity to really make it our own. We purposely kept our current townhome as-is for ease of renting in the future. I've been watching way too many home renovation shows in preparation for the move. I've also probably vastly overestimating our DIY abilities. Luckily we have a friend who works for a general contractor to help with the tough stuff.
2015 was a rather rough year, and even though we started 2016 off in a low place as well, we have a lot to look forward to and a lot of hope for the future.
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
This is very TMI but I feel like the world needs to know. I've been extremely constipated for the last week, I think it was a combination of pain meds and labor pains that stopped everything. Today, I finally felt the urge to go after 4 days of colace. I weighed myself before and after. My ridiculous poop weighed 4.2 lbs... seriously gross, and seriously insane.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Had an ultrasound today to confirm if I'd retained any tissue after the two rounds of Cytotec. I've been having horrible contractions and back labor pain since Saturday. They were able to confirm that I didn't pass everything, so my D&C is scheduled for sometime tomorrow.
Luckily, Hubbs has off work tomorrow and Wednesday, so he'll be home to watch me and take care of Ducky. She'll stay in daycare during the day, but he'll be helpful at night and mornings, as well as driving her to and from daycare.
Next time I know, just opt for the D&C from the start. These contractions are no joke. I'd say just a shade below when I was induced with Ducky and after 12 hours of pitocin I was begging for the epidural. I could barely talk through them and just started making unintelligible noises. The bleeding has picked up as well, but still considered "moderate" by my OB's standards.
They did prescribe me something to help with the pain until my prodecude, so hopefully it will take the edge off and make it bearable. Wish me luck tomorrow.
Sunday, January 24, 2016
I'm going to put a call in to the OB tomorrow, since they've been closed all weekend, but it definitely seems like things are ramping up instead of slowing down. I chose the medication option in the hopes that it would go a lot quicker than waiting for it to happen naturally, but now that it just keeps dragging on, I wonder if I should have just chosen the D&C.
I'll see what the doctor says when I call, for now I'm just going to keep resting, taking my Tylenol and Ibuprofen as often as allowed, and stay hydrated.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
I started the process 12 hours ago and I'm hoping the worst of it is over. I might be delusional, but aside from the huge clot that I passed a few hours after the bleeding started, it's not much worse than one of my regular periods, which have been shockingly heavy for the most part.
I'm taking the time to just rest and relax, and leveling one of my abandoned toons in WoW because it's a nice and easy distraction. I did finally tell everyone about the miscarriage as well. It wasn't too bad, so far everyone has been very supportive and sympathetic, which is nice.