Friday, September 23, 2016

The Edge Of Winter

The creeping edge of winter comes,
  down mountains craving autumn sun.
The grasses yellow and foliage burns,
  cascading colors down the slopes.
With each day the edge creeps ever closer,
  until the valley is blanketed in white.
Awaiting the break of spring,
  when the edge of winter slinks away,
  up the range until nothing but green remains.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

9 Weeks

Still pregnant. We went in to the ultrasound a couple of weeks ago and saw a tiny flickering heartbeat. It was such a relief. My blood pressure was higher than I would have liked, but I'm sure 90% of that was just nerves. We're going to try for a VBAC and wait and see when it comes to the BP issues. Hubbs and I are throwing names out there and trying to wrap our heads around the hope that we're actually going to have another baby. My follow up is in another 2 weeks and I'm hoping the good news train will keep on chugging along.

Things and work have still been completely insane, but I'm trying to keep my stress down and do the best I can when I can. I know that I have a decent career if I want it, I know that really the work isn't all that bad. With any job, there are aspects you like and those you don't, but try to find a nice balance between them. Right now, it's leaning far towards dislike. I really only have to put in about 5 more years, and that's doable. It makes sense to put in the time at something you don't enjoy that much, so that in 5 years, you can do something you really want, right?

Monday, July 25, 2016

Tomorrow - Freaking Out

I am a wreck. I'm so nervous, worried, anxious, and afraid. My imagination is getting the better of me and I'm just dreading tomorrow. I want there to be a bouncy little flickery heart-beating gummy bear tomorrow, and I'm so afraid for them to tell me that it's another non-viable pregnancy.

I worry about every twinge and cramp. I try to reassure myself because I have symptoms, and last time I didn't have any at all. Hubbs is coming with me tomorrow and I think that's good. He'll be there to support and share in either the joy or misery.

I hate that feeling of dreading something and yet wanting it to be over already. I just want to know if everything is ok for now and if we can start enjoying the fact that I'm pregnant again.

Ducky has a fever today so I'm taking the day off work to spend it with her. Her adorable (albeit occasionally frustrating) toddler antics will keep my mind off things and I'll just relish in the time I get to spend with her before things hit the fan. Perfect moments of snuggling up and just spending time together can make even the darkest days seem bright.

Wish us luck tomorrow, we're going to need it.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Next Week

Well, I went two weeks without posting, guess I'm just a big fat liar then. I'll try to be better.

I'm still pregnant. I occasionally pee on sticks, I've turned in to one of those crazy pregnant women who refuses to believe that things are going well. I have more symptoms than I had with the MMC last time, but I'm not sure if that's because of the progesterone or because things are progressing well.

Next week is my first appointment and I'm dreading it and yet can't wait for it to get here. I just want to know if everything is ok or if I need to prepare myself for bad news again. I planned it so that I should be about 7 weeks along. If we go by LMP, I should be 8 weeks today, but if we go by the positive OPKs and the BFPs, I think I'm closer to 6 weeks. I've been two weeks behind or more with the last 3, so it's fair to assume I'll follow suit this time.

Hubbs and I are actually talking about names and possibilities, we've told Ducky and I think she understands the concept. I guess it's a little crazy now that I realize she's not even two and a half yet and I'm pregnant for the 3rd time since she was born. That's kind of insane. On a pregnancy streak since 2013... I so hope this is the last one. Two is a nice number. There are enough hands for you to wrangle them by yourself. There's a nice one-on-one ratio for outings. Seeing my SiL's with many more than two might have jaded us a bit, but it seems like a wise idea to not let the children outnumber you.

I'll keep you posted after the appointment next week. I'm trying to stay positive, but it's pretty hard some times. I just want to be excited and happy and enjoy the nausea, dizziness, and obnoxiously early RLP, but the pessimist in me just doubts so hard that things will work out the way I desperately want them to. I have flashbacks to Lumpy and the worry and that complete feeling of helplessness. Flashbacks to December when we thought we got our Christmas miracle only to have it snatched away a few weeks later.

I know that every pregnancy is different. It's a totally different genetic scenario and anything is possible. I'll relax for hopefully a little bit once we pass all of the milestones, heartbeat, anatomy scan, full term, take-home baby. Even then I'm sure I will worry, but I just long for those moments when you hold your baby close and know that everything is perfect and wonderful and right in your little world.

Monday, July 4, 2016

No Squinting Needed Here

After dealing with barely visible lines on my internet cheapies twice a day for the last 3 days because I'm an insane person who refused to believe what I was seeing... There's no need to squint for these.


The streak of getting pregnant on or finding out around holidays and special occasions continues! Now to tell Hubbs. He already suspects, but I want to confirm it in some sort of adorable way.

Sunday, July 3, 2016

Checking In and Holy Crap

Lately it's seemed like I only ever check in and post when something big happens. I apologize for that, I always make excuses about general life, work, etc getting in the way of blogging, but I need to be better. No matter how tired, late, boring I think I am, I will take the time to post at least once a week. I'm making solid promises here readers.

My promotion at work has kept me insanely busy, there never seem to be enough hours in the day. I work almost 10 hours a day and still don't finish all of the tasks required for the day. Management has completely overloaded the three of us that hold my position and show no signs of trying to rectify it by promoting or hiring new people.

Hubbs, Ducky, and I are all doing well. We're busy but happy and Ducky awes and amazes us every day. She's so clever and hilarious, she sings like an angel (according to Hubbs), and loves to play cook in her little Ikea kitchen. Hubbs and I have been sticking to our diet for about 3 weeks now. 2 weeks in I was down 14lbs. The 3 week weigh-in is Tuesday, but I don't think I'll see much of a shift in the numbers this week.

In other news, there is the tiniest, smallest, minuscule possibility that I am pregnant again. I used OPKs this cycle and got a positive about a week later than I was expecting. Here we are 13 days later and my internet cheapies are showing the faintest hint of a line.


The bottom one is from last night, the top one from this morning. Do you see it? Am I insane? The ClearBlue digital was a BFN, but those are less reliable for early testing anyway. I am cautiously optimistic and will keep peeing in those obnoxiously tiny cups for a few more days until the line gets less imaginary and more definitive. A few people on a forum said they see it, but I'm refusing to believe it.

Even if in a few days, I get a positive, I'm not sure I want to tell Hubbs until I'm sure it's for real. With everything that happened with Lumpy and our MMC in January, I just don't want to get his hopes up. Heck, I don't want to get my hopes up. I feel like we've both developed a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from that pain. The MMC sucked, but it was so much easier to take than when we lost Lumpy. I told myself that if I ever got pregnant again it would be the last one no matter what the outcome because I didn't want to go through it all over again. I guess we'll have to wait and see.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Checking In

It's been a while since I've posted. It was a combination of busy work life, exciting new endeavors, and pretty much doing everything but sitting down and writing.

We closed on the new house, and have been busy getting it updated and ready for our move in later this month. We've ordered new windows, floors, and a door. Had drywall work patched and prepped for painting. We've narrowed down paint colors and need to spend a good long weekend painting everything before the new floors go in. Basically every spare evening or weekend afternoon has been spent getting bids or choosing materials. When we bought our first house, everything was move-in ready, so this is all new to us. I'm excited to see the finished product even though we have other projects planned pretty much every year for the next two years.

I've physically recovered from the toll of my miscarriage and subsequent D&C. I'm fairly certain I've mentally recovered as well. I've had a few sad moments over the last few months, but feel better overall.

We're coming up on what would have been Lumpy's first birthday and it's been emotional thinking about that. Hubbs and I are doing ok and keep the lines of communication open. We had a great cry just the other night. We're not sure what we're going to do for his birthday yet, but hopefully something to remember and celebrate him.

A lot of crazy things have happened in Hubbs' side of the family lately. We're all reeling and trying to figure out how to process the news. I'll post about it later once I've wrapped my head around the situation and we have a better understanding of the aftershocks and consequences.

Work is going decently. I still dislike aspects of my job, but I'm comfortable and have put in enough time and effort that I'm considered a valuable asset and am treated as such. I still think about leaving and starting over somewhere else with duties that more closely involve my interests, but right now the money is really great, so it's hard to justify leaving.

I feel like I make a lot of promises about blogging more often, and I stick to it for a while but eventually fall back into bad habits. I'll just give myself a pat on the back for blogging today and try to check back in every once in a while.

We're TTC again with all the fun of temping and charting. Perhaps for Mother's Day this year I should get myself a big pack of OPK's because we all know how fun peeing on sticks, dipping strips in pee cups, or dipping strips and sticks in cups, whatever floats your boat, is.

Friday, April 8, 2016

11 months

It's been 11 months since my son died. Some days I feel normal. Some days I can keep myself distracted with work. Some days, like today, I can't help but still feel like nothing more than a mother who lost a child. I sometimes wonder when things will go back to normal, but they never will. I will always be without a piece of my heart.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Home Buying

This home buying thing is getting a little less fun now that we have to pay off our car to qualify because we can no longer use our rental income. Apparently renting to family is a no-no for that. Thank goodness paying off our car is all we need to do, otherwise this whole deal would fall apart and so many of our family members are counting on it to go through. The family we're buying the house from had no idea that selling a house came with closing costs for the Seller too, so we're now paying for those. Also, we need to buy a new washer, dryer, dishwasher, and oven.... holy hell this is all starting to add up.

My next paycheck will reflect my amazing new bonuses thanks to the promotion I finally received after almost 2 years of promises. Hubbs gets paid one more time before we're expected to close, I'll get paid one more time just before we close, and hopefully our tax refund comes in time for closing as well. If it doesn't, we'll still be ok, but it would be nice to be reimbursed for the insane expenses we're dealing with all at once.

We'll tackle all the medical bills from my miscarriage later. For now, we're just staying positive and hopefully frugal for the next few weeks. I'll just be so happy once we get the appraisal out of the way and know that everything is going to work out fine (or not fine). I generally feel calm and confident that everything will work out, but every once in a while I get these little whispers of doubt. We need so much luck!

In other, more TMI news, still no AF after my D&C. Coming up on 8 weeks, BFN last week before my MRI. It's so odd after so many years of eagerly trying to get pregnant and dreading AF of really wanting it to come so I can at least track everything properly and actually start trying again.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

POAS Time

Well, it's been 6 weeks since my D&C, about 5 more days before that since the MC started in general and still no AF. I know technically it can take longer than 6 weeks to get it back, but we've had a few BC mishaps over the last 4 weeks and anything is possible. I'm not holding out much hope, but it would be nice to see a BFP in the morning.

We've got lots of exciting things in the works, closing on a new house in about 3 weeks if all goes according to plan. Work is going well and everything seems to be on the up and up. Things at Hubbs' job are going great and even though working opposite shifts from each other makes things a little more difficult, we still make time for each other.

We filed our taxes early again and I seriously get such a kick out of doing it. Finding all of the required forms, organizing everything, seeing what deductions/credits/etc you're eligible for, oddly makes it kind of thrilling. Next year I'm excited because we might get to do itemized deductions!

I do feel like time is going by so quickly. It's been 10 months already since we lost Lumpy and it all went by in such a blur. Sure the first few months was recovering from multiple surgeries and trying to process the grief and what we went through. Eventually, once I went back to work fully, everything just sort of went back to normal and I was so busy taking everything one day at a time, I didn't have much time for anything else.

I've put in some overtime for the last few weeks and I'm questioning whether it's something I want to keep doing. I miss out on time with Hubbs, I miss out on time with Ducky, I'm certainly not going to wish I spent more time at the office rather than at home. When I get to be home with both of them on our days off, it just seems like the weekend flies by and before I can blink, it's Monday again.

After we close on the house and Hubbs passes his probationary period at work, we'll have a lot more options. I have an interview lined up within the next few weeks, and while it would be less money, it would be less stress and less time at the office. We're financially at the point where I technically don't need to work, but it would be wise to keep it up for a while longer until we're out of debt. Two cars, some student loans, and a bit of medical debt from this last pregnancy and then we'll just have the house to worry about.

Lots of things to look forward to in the near future. I still need to remember to remind myself to enjoy today too.