Sunday, March 31, 2013

New Month, New Job!!

Exciting news that I've forgotten to share is that I have gotten an awesome new job offer!!

I'm still eagerly awaiting news of the Dream Job, although at this point, I'm seriously doubting they'll ever get back to me. With this new opportunity though, I'll be far less crushed when it inevitably doesn't happen.

It's going to be very hard work, and somewhere around sixty hours a week, but I'll be raking in enough money that Hubbs and I will no longer have to struggle, and stress, and freak out about how we're going to pay our bills the next month.

We'll actually be able to pay off ALL of our debts, with the exception of student loans, and let's face it, people wind up paying those off till they're around forty anyway.

The other nice part, is that if I don't get the Dream Job, this job will wind up paying far more, but doesn't have the same longevity that the Dream Job would. Who knows, maybe we'll stick around and but a house here. Even if we could buy three in the Dream Job location for the price of one here. That part kind of sucks. There are some nice townhouses and condos and such here, but it's such a huge amount of money for just a small two bedroom, two bathroom place barely larger than our apartment now.

We did have our hearts set on leaving here for good come the new year, but it's looking more and more likely that isn't going to happen. Oh well, life apparently has different plans for us than we did. We are extremely happy though that this time, life's plans were far better than our own for once. =)

Liebster Award? What?

Before today, I had never heard of a Liebster Award, but I am super excited and honored to be nominated. Thanks Sippy Cups and Booze for the nod, it definitely is nice to hear that other people actually read the little musings and whatnot one decides to post in the great wide interwebz.

"Here are the rules:

  1. Each nominee must post 11 facts about themselves.
  2.  Nominees must answer 11 questions the tagger has given to them, and then create 11 new ones to pass down to the bloggers they then nominate.
  3.  Display award logo on your site and link back to the person who gave it to you.
  4.  Choose 11 bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award on to and link them in your post.
  5. Notify your nominees."

 11 Facts about me

1. I am 6' tall, and hit 5' in 4th grade, let me tell you, growing up was awkward.

2. I was adopted as a newborn, and attempted to find my birth mother the day I turned 18. I still haven't found her. 

3. As a child, I wanted braces more than anything so I could fit in... but alas, I had perfect teeth. 

4. Growing up, my mother was verbally and emotionally abusive. I have yet to forgive her. 

5. My husband and I initially met playing World of Warcraft. 

6. I still fantasize about running away to an island paradise, Hubbs will come with me though if we ever actually decide to do it. 

7. I have teeny tiny, almost non-existent toe-nails on all of my toes except the big ones. Even those ones are freakishly short. The podiatrist had never seen anything like it ever. That's always refreshing. lol.

8. One of my major life goals is to set foot on all 7 continents. I've only gotten 3 out of the way so far. 

9. When people tell me that they love me, I never believe it. For the longest time, I had myself convinced that I wasn't worthy. 

10. In high school, I was bulimic and would cut myself on occasion. Apparently I was a weirdo in that I did it to punish myself and not so I could feel something. 

11. My favorite smell in the world is a tie between fresh rain, and wet puppy.

Here are my answers to the questions Sippy Cups and Booze posted. 

1. What is the strangest thing you ever ate? 
 - Hrmm, in France, I tried this awful sausage that apparently was a "delicacy" it looked like it was made from ground up intestines and tasted exactly like poop smells... I wish I could remember the name to warn you all away from it.

2. Do you have any weird quirks? If so, do tell!
- One of the reasons Hubbs married me was for my "foibles". I have several irrational fears, which I suppose are endearing. I have a bizarre hiccup that happens every once in a while, it sounds like I'm saying "YUP" and there's only ever one at a time. Also I refuse to enter an "exit" door and exit an "enter" door. The signs are there for a reason, people!

3. Morning or night person.
- Definitely night.

4. What would be your theme song?
-  I think at the moment, it's I'm the One That's Cool by The Guild. Although in high school/college it was probably more of a "waaaah I like him, but he doesn't like me" kind of chick song. lol.

5. What is your biggest pet peeve?
- I don't know, there are several things that infuriate me on occasion, but I can't think of any at the moment.

6. When you offer to cook for someone do they eat it, or run and hide?
- I'm far more critical of my own cooking than other people are. They all seem to like it, or are very good fakers.

7. What item could you never live without and why?
- If I had to give up everything else, I think I could manage with just one good book, probably the complete works of Jane Austen because I never get tired of it.

8. Beer or wine?
- Neither, I gave up all alcohol a few years ago. 

9. What would be your super hero name?

- Interestingly enough, I've never thought about it... my nickname in college was "The Enforcer" I suppose that will do. lol.  

10. Last concert you went to?
- It has been a very long while since I've been to a concert. I think it was the Foozer Tour (Foo Fighters and Weezer) back in college.

11. What is the first song you knew all the words to?
- I think by the time I could talk, my dad made sure that I knew all of the words to his favorite Beach Boys songs.

I'll have to make a separate post for the people I nominate, because I doubt I follow 11 blogs regularly, and a majority of the ones I do tend to have more than 200 followers.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Forgotten in the Marriage Debate

In the news, there has been an overwhelming amount of talk about the marriage debate and upcoming Supreme Court vote. I'm going to refrain from voicing my opinions because it doesn't matter, the vote will go one way or the other no matter what I say about it. There is something that I've noticed though, especially from the um... I'll call them religiously motivated side of the argument, and it is pissing me off.

The initial picture that sparked the flame of outrage inside me was this one. 

Oh really, young person? Marriage without children is, what then, completely pointless? Is my marriage considered less valuable or less valid because we can't procreate? Or how many marriages are there that end in divorce or last forever with nothing but constant fighting or domestic violence simply because two people who didn't want to get married did anyway "for the sake of the child".

It is so strange to me that one of the aforementioned situations is more ideal in these people's eyes than two people who genuinely love each other uniting in marriage and raising a family together. 

After that, I saw this one, which came from the marriage equality camp, with a bit of cheekiness, but they forgot something incredibly important as well... can you see it?

You know what's missing there? Fricking people without kids damnit. No matter which side of the current debate people seem to be on, they keep marginalizing or completely forgetting that two people who love each other, and have chosen to take the leap and get married or stay together with or without a piece of paper "validating" their union are also a FAMILY.

I don't know if it's because infertility is still sort of taboo and it's not something that is openly talked about, but come on people! This whole marriage debate for me has really just opened up old wounds of feeling left out and considered less of a family simply because my insides are broken.

Look, even the "family restroom" sign is a jerk.

This one is way better, I would jump on the opportunity to use this equalizing restroom!
Even though that pregnant lady is mocking me with her fertility... it's still better than the exclusion of the seemingly universal definition of "family".

Hubbs and I were discussing it today, and we both would consider our marriage more successful if we stay together until we die without having children, than two people who got married, had kids, and got divorced several years later. In that scenario, we would definitely consider ourselves the winners. 

One of the quotes I see often is "Marriage exists to bring a man and a woman together as husband and wife to be father and mother to any children their union produces. Marriage is based on the biological fact that reproduction depends on a man and a woman, and on the social reality that children need a mother and a father." I don't think this applies anymore.

With science the way it is, I think it's great that two people who love each other can have children, whether straight, gay, whatever. The can take two eggs and make a human, or use a donor egg and a sperm cocktail with a surrogate, or take two broken people (like us) and somehow create life. Technology really is amazing. Hubbs and I aren't cool enough to be included in the "science gave us a baby club", and we've come to terms with that. We're also not cool enough to get in on adoption, which was pretty soul-crushing at first, but again, we've come to terms with it. 

Don't you dare say though, that our marriage isn't important, or that we're being selfish because we're childless. Don't throw us off to the side and discount our validity because procreation isn't an option. Hubbs and I got married because we'd found someone that we could stand to be around for the rest of our lives and wanted to celebrate that with our close friends and family; also because we're awesome.

As this debate continues and rallies and protests and every other thing imaginable unfolds, I'm just going to look the other way, because all it does is piss me off. It's just one more cause that brushes the childless and/or infertile under the rug and pushes us aside and I am tired of it.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

A Low Few Weeks

We went to Vegas and had fun. We ate some delicious food and got to spend some time with my family, which was nice.

I don't know, ever since we've gotten back, things have just been so blah. I am having a lot of trouble finding work. I could sub almost every day if I had the car, but Hubbs can't ride the scooter and the jobs are too far to ride to. I've been constantly applying for full-time jobs and even getting a few interview here and there. I have yet to find a job though. I have two more interviews coming up this week and I'm hoping for the best.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my dream job that I interviewed for earlier in the month. I am trying to remain optimistic about getting it, but it's hard when every single other plan we've hoped and wishes and tried so hard for has failed miserably.

To bring things down even worse, my eldest cousin passed away on Friday. She was 40, and granted, lived far longer than doctors expected when she was born. She constantly defied the odds, but her health had been deteriorating for quite some time. She was put into hospice care on Wednesday, and passed early Friday morning. She was severely mentally disabled and had the mental capacity of about a 6-month old child. I only met her a few times, but I remember her cheerful smile. I know that she is in a much better place now and I take comfort in that. It still saddens me though to think about her 40 years on this planet, never really experiencing all that the world had to offer her.

I spent pretty much all of Friday, sprawled out on the couch crying. I was looking at my baby blanket, the one in my crib from when I was an infant. I'd brought it back from Vegas the visit before last. I don't know why I brought it... maybe a part of me was actually hoping we would some day have a need for it. On Friday, I came to the realization that we are never going to have a need for it. We're not going to have children, and I think I was mourning that loss.

To top off everything, the lack of money and everything else. I got slapped with over $2,000 in medical bills from as early as 2010. I have no idea when or if we're ever going to be able to pay that off. We're lucky in that we have enough money saved up for next month's rent, but after that, I have no idea what we're going to do.

We've spent so much time and money trying to have a baby and suffering the failure of that, trying to adopt a child and failing at that too. I've been trying to get a full-time job since September 2011 and I've failed at that too. None of our plans seem to work out. I keep clinging to this shred of hope that my dream job will work out and we'll be able to pay off all of these debts and actually be able to live and be hopeful for the future. For now though, all seems bleak and dark.

Hopefully next week will be better.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Men are Gross

My husband farted, which he does a lot.

I said "That fart rippled down your chair, through the floor, and up my chair... gross."

He replied "I feel connected to you now."

I died laughing.

Last Day Long-Term Subbing

Today my long term subbing assignment ended. It was weird. I'll definitely remember those kids forever, and they'll probably forget me in a week. We didn't make a big fuss of the goodbye or anything. We just put them on the bus like any normal day. Some of them have forever tainted a name for me and I'll look back on with annoyance. Others I'll have fond memories of, and wonder who they grow up to be. If they'll refuse their "specialness" hold them back and go on to do amazing things. Maybe there are some future Special Olympic athletes or business owners, i.e. Tim's Place. I do hope that they all grow up to be awesome.

Tomorrow we're heading to lovely, lovely Vegas. Not so much looking forward to the long car ride, but definitely looking forward to the change of scenery. I'm also hoping that this trip satisfies my desire to get another dog. I'm sure having to wrangle three all weekend instead of just one will crush that dream in a big way. Besides, with us possibly moving and everything, it just make sense to wait until we're settled wherever it is we're going. I'm no stranger to long car trips, I've driven all over this country several times, sometimes coast to coast, and I have my usual road-trip entertainment things. For the most part, I arrive at my destination and my voice is completely gone because I've been singing along to the stereo for the entire trip. What about you? What do you do to keep yourself from getting completely bored behind the wheel?

I'm trying to let go of the anxiety associated with waiting to hear back from the dream job. There's nothing more I can do to persuade them. At this point I've just got to wait and hope for the best. Also potentially work on my fear of heights, which I told them I didn't have. It's not that I'm afraid of the height itself. I'm afraid of the falling from said height and going splat on the ground. Usually, as long as all of the safety precautions have been followed, and I'm strapped into a harness and so forth, I'm fine. That's how I managed to go rock climbing and other such shenanigans without freaking out. I've also been cliff-jumping, but never higher than 40ft... because I have no interest in hitting the water wrong and breaking my sternum and/or dying. I really would appreciate any well wishes or warm thoughts sent our way. This job will seriously be completely life-changing in the best way possible.

It was funny, I was talking to my dad the other day. He mentioned not being afraid to take risks. Mostly, he was referring to this new job. I laughed and said "when have I ever been afraid to take risks?" and he responded with "well sometimes, it's about knowing when NOT to take it." Wise man, my dad. The only things I think about doing never really have any serious repercussions, so after a bit of deliberation, I pretty much always go for it. The worst thing that can happen is it doesn't work out, and you start over with plan B, or C, or D, depending. lol.

Anyway, I hope all of you have a great weekend/early week. I'll be gone till Wednesday and not blogging because Vegas makes me lazy. Plus I'm pretty sure over the course of the trip, I'm going to eat my weight in steak, seafood, and Raising Cane's. Good times. I should probably pack... lol.

Thursday, March 7, 2013


I'm not quite sure where it went, but it seems as though all of my patience has run away. Gone, gone gone. Today the kids were just awful and refused to listen and follow directions. I think eventually, they could tell that I was getting frustrated, which only egged them on more. Tomorrow was supposed to be my last day subbing, but I'm pretty sure I'm just gonna say "eff it" and take the day off. Even though it's a shortened day, I'm really not sure I can handle it.

I'm really looking forward to going out of town on Saturday. Not only will I get to have lots of puppy cuddles and stuff my face with delicious seafood and steak, it will be so nice just to sit around and forget about the world for a while. I'm definitely feeling like I need a break from everything.

Gibbs doesn't mind the long drive too much, right when we hit the Nevada border though, he starts to get really whiny and demands to be held in the front seat instead of safely locked in his kennel in the backseat. I eventually cave and we become front seat cuddle buddies.

I've been really tired lately. I think it's just a combination of the patience going on the lam and being overworked or something. I plan on going to bed delightfully early tonight and sleeping in for as late and I darn well please!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Hopes and Spontaneity

Today was a bit of a blah day. I taught in the morning and the kids were way better than they normally are, so that was good. I had a job interview in the late afternoon, which I think went ok. Supposedly they'll let me know later this week if they want me back.

Now pretty much everything seems like it's just a bunch of waiting. Lots and lots of waiting. I decided we needed a bit of a break from the monotony. So this weekend we're heading to Vegas. We'll dog-sit for my parents whilst they're in California, meet up with my brother and his wife for some yummy dinner, and then my parents will be back and we'll spend a few days with them before heading home.

Next week is Hubbs' spring break, so I figured we should actually take advantage of it and go somewhere. Plus, when you're sick of everything and feeling kind of blah, for some reason, after you leave home for a few days, it feels so good to finally be home when you return. Gibbs enjoys the trips too because he gets very spoiled by his "grandparents" and also gets in a lot of playtime with other doggies. I miss my old dogs and one of them realistically doesn't have that much time left, so I want to see her and shower her with belly rubs and kisses.

I've let myself hope a little bit that things are actually going to work out for this dream job. Hubbs and I occasionally browse Zillow and check out all of the nice, affordable houses in the area where I would be working. I also now know that Hubbs and I would only have to be apart for 4 months if I get the job. Which is a lot better than we'd originally thought.

At this point, I've done the best that I can and just hope that everything works out in the end. I feel like I showed that I was knowledgeable about the job, I proved that I did research and chose this particular opportunity and not just any old thing that came along. I guess it's just been a long time since I've wanted anything this badly and I don't want to be too disappointed if it doesn't work out. I wanted kids and that's not going to happen, that pretty much crushed me. If I can bounce back from that, I guess I can bounce back from anything, right? lol.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Off to a Bad/Good Start

Well in some aspects, I'm off to a bad start, i.e. NaBloPoMO... but in others, I'm off to quite a good start.

Today was my phone interview for my dream job. I know that I did my best, I don't have any doubts on that. At this point, I'm waiting to find out if I'm moving on up. The next stage is a physical and a background check, followed by a super shiny official offer of employment. It's definitely fun and exciting when you're asked in an interview "How are you with heights?" and "How about confined spaces?" Good stuff. I should find out in the next few weeks if I'm moving forward, and I'm really glad they're not dragging it out. Hubbs has applied for a job as our back-up plan, just in case this job doesn't work out for me.

Other things that I am winning at is losing weight! In being more active and making conscious food decisions, since about the middle of January, I've lost either 9 or 13 pounds! Depending on if that little black line was 290 or 285. Either way, I'm back down to less that 300!! HURRAY! I know these are just little baby steps on the way to a healthier life, but I am super excited to at least see some progress! Every loss is a loss! FUN! Who knew that chasing around kindergartners and taking a 20min walk 3x a week could do so much. Now I've got to step it up a bit, can't trick my body into going all hoarders with my fat again.

Tomorrow I have yet another job interview. This would be the full-time "filler" job to take up my time and help us to save some money before we (hopefully) move across the country at the end of the summer. Even though I have 2 jobs at the moment, one pays me about $100 a week and the other hasn't paid me anything yet. Working strictly on commission is a tough thing. I have no idea how car salesman and real estate agents handle it! Hopefully I get this job, and all of our financial worries melt away. lol. If only.

I hope all of you had a good weekend. Mine was delightfully lazy and filled with a Sabrina the Teenage Witch marathon. Apparently all of the seasons are available for streaming on Hulu. This is awesome. I didn't watch the show as a kid, but I always thought it was something I would like. Turns out I was right. I'm already halfway into season 2. Madness. I'll try not to get too distracted though, because I really do need to finish up my book and try to sell it. My eldest SiL has read what I have so far and loves it. She thinks it's easily as good as any of the stuff she gets from the library, and it's just a first draft. It's nice to know that someone other than yourself thinks your work is good. It makes me hopeful for the possibilities.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Holy Heck YES It's Friday

I am so incredibly happy that today is Friday. I wish it could have come sooner, but you know, I'm not a time lord.

The kids I sub for were really trying my patience today and by the time I got home, all I wanted to do was sleep. Alas, I could not because I had work at job #2 shortly thereafter and actually wanted to have a decent lunch for once. Lately it's just been some activia with kashi go lean cereal sprinkled on top. Yummy, but doesn't really do it as a balanced lunch.

At my shiny new job, I got several leads today. I e-mailed off our shipper packet to 5 people, and got 2 people to agree to e-mail me when the have upcoming loads so I can bid on them. Apparently that's huge for a first real day on the phone. This job is really easy, you just have to actually be motivated to pick up the phone and call every single company down a very long list. Doesn't bother me at all. It was also a nice day because Gibbs tagged along. He actually did his job well, even if 70% of the time he slept in the bottom drawer of my desk. lol.

Tonight Hubbs and I have a date night planned. I got dinner all ready for before we leave, but as of right now he's about 40mins late. NOT COOL. I thought I'd timed it perfectly for when he'd get home, but now it's just sitting in the oven on warm. If it sucks, I'm blaming him. We're going to go to the $3 theater to see Mama. I LOVE horror movies, and Hubbs kind of... tolerates them because I love them so much. He's not too much of a scaredy cat. The last movie we saw that really freaked him out was Sinister. He definitely had a few nightmares about that one. For the most part, I'm fine once I leave the theater, but in there, I get the pants scared off of me. I love the feeling of being scared whilst watching a movie. However, I absolutely hate getting scared in real life. Not a huge fan of that. Doesn't help that I scare super easily. Sometimes Hubbs will wait outside the door when I'm in the bathroom, or just stand in the doorway to the bedroom waiting for me to come out. He doesn't even need to yell "boo", I just scream like a wuss. Afterwards it's pretty funny though.  

This month's theme is Risk. I suppose I'm no stranger to risk. I sometimes make impulsive decisions when it comes to life or my career, or whatever. I guess it's because I don't have a fear of failure. I've failed plenty of times and things have still worked out pretty well for me. I'll put a lot of thought into a decision, mostly I'll just ask myself "What's the worst that can happen?" If the answer isn't "You could die.", then I just go for it.

I randomly moved hundreds of miles to crash with a friend for a while, and wound up with an awesome husband. I've gone to several different types of schools and have finally found the one that works for me and, hopefully, will lead to a rewarding a lucrative career. Hubbs and I are taking a huge risk trying to get this dream job lined up for me, but we just say, "Hey, if it doesn't work out, we'll just move on to the next thing."

Speaking of which, my interview is Tuesday, and I need to do a little research beforehand. I really feel like this is the next step for me, this will be that turning point where we start the rest of our lives with stability and promise. I'm still trying to wrangle in my optimism, because nothing is set in stone... but a little positivity never hurt anyone. lol.