Sunday, March 24, 2013

A Low Few Weeks

We went to Vegas and had fun. We ate some delicious food and got to spend some time with my family, which was nice.

I don't know, ever since we've gotten back, things have just been so blah. I am having a lot of trouble finding work. I could sub almost every day if I had the car, but Hubbs can't ride the scooter and the jobs are too far to ride to. I've been constantly applying for full-time jobs and even getting a few interview here and there. I have yet to find a job though. I have two more interviews coming up this week and I'm hoping for the best.

I'm still waiting to hear back from my dream job that I interviewed for earlier in the month. I am trying to remain optimistic about getting it, but it's hard when every single other plan we've hoped and wishes and tried so hard for has failed miserably.

To bring things down even worse, my eldest cousin passed away on Friday. She was 40, and granted, lived far longer than doctors expected when she was born. She constantly defied the odds, but her health had been deteriorating for quite some time. She was put into hospice care on Wednesday, and passed early Friday morning. She was severely mentally disabled and had the mental capacity of about a 6-month old child. I only met her a few times, but I remember her cheerful smile. I know that she is in a much better place now and I take comfort in that. It still saddens me though to think about her 40 years on this planet, never really experiencing all that the world had to offer her.

I spent pretty much all of Friday, sprawled out on the couch crying. I was looking at my baby blanket, the one in my crib from when I was an infant. I'd brought it back from Vegas the visit before last. I don't know why I brought it... maybe a part of me was actually hoping we would some day have a need for it. On Friday, I came to the realization that we are never going to have a need for it. We're not going to have children, and I think I was mourning that loss.

To top off everything, the lack of money and everything else. I got slapped with over $2,000 in medical bills from as early as 2010. I have no idea when or if we're ever going to be able to pay that off. We're lucky in that we have enough money saved up for next month's rent, but after that, I have no idea what we're going to do.

We've spent so much time and money trying to have a baby and suffering the failure of that, trying to adopt a child and failing at that too. I've been trying to get a full-time job since September 2011 and I've failed at that too. None of our plans seem to work out. I keep clinging to this shred of hope that my dream job will work out and we'll be able to pay off all of these debts and actually be able to live and be hopeful for the future. For now though, all seems bleak and dark.

Hopefully next week will be better.

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