Thursday, March 28, 2013

The Forgotten in the Marriage Debate

In the news, there has been an overwhelming amount of talk about the marriage debate and upcoming Supreme Court vote. I'm going to refrain from voicing my opinions because it doesn't matter, the vote will go one way or the other no matter what I say about it. There is something that I've noticed though, especially from the um... I'll call them religiously motivated side of the argument, and it is pissing me off.

The initial picture that sparked the flame of outrage inside me was this one. 

Oh really, young person? Marriage without children is, what then, completely pointless? Is my marriage considered less valuable or less valid because we can't procreate? Or how many marriages are there that end in divorce or last forever with nothing but constant fighting or domestic violence simply because two people who didn't want to get married did anyway "for the sake of the child".

It is so strange to me that one of the aforementioned situations is more ideal in these people's eyes than two people who genuinely love each other uniting in marriage and raising a family together. 

After that, I saw this one, which came from the marriage equality camp, with a bit of cheekiness, but they forgot something incredibly important as well... can you see it?

You know what's missing there? Fricking people without kids damnit. No matter which side of the current debate people seem to be on, they keep marginalizing or completely forgetting that two people who love each other, and have chosen to take the leap and get married or stay together with or without a piece of paper "validating" their union are also a FAMILY.

I don't know if it's because infertility is still sort of taboo and it's not something that is openly talked about, but come on people! This whole marriage debate for me has really just opened up old wounds of feeling left out and considered less of a family simply because my insides are broken.

Look, even the "family restroom" sign is a jerk.

This one is way better, I would jump on the opportunity to use this equalizing restroom!
Even though that pregnant lady is mocking me with her fertility... it's still better than the exclusion of the seemingly universal definition of "family".

Hubbs and I were discussing it today, and we both would consider our marriage more successful if we stay together until we die without having children, than two people who got married, had kids, and got divorced several years later. In that scenario, we would definitely consider ourselves the winners. 

One of the quotes I see often is "Marriage exists to bring a man and a woman together as husband and wife to be father and mother to any children their union produces. Marriage is based on the biological fact that reproduction depends on a man and a woman, and on the social reality that children need a mother and a father." I don't think this applies anymore.

With science the way it is, I think it's great that two people who love each other can have children, whether straight, gay, whatever. The can take two eggs and make a human, or use a donor egg and a sperm cocktail with a surrogate, or take two broken people (like us) and somehow create life. Technology really is amazing. Hubbs and I aren't cool enough to be included in the "science gave us a baby club", and we've come to terms with that. We're also not cool enough to get in on adoption, which was pretty soul-crushing at first, but again, we've come to terms with it. 

Don't you dare say though, that our marriage isn't important, or that we're being selfish because we're childless. Don't throw us off to the side and discount our validity because procreation isn't an option. Hubbs and I got married because we'd found someone that we could stand to be around for the rest of our lives and wanted to celebrate that with our close friends and family; also because we're awesome.

As this debate continues and rallies and protests and every other thing imaginable unfolds, I'm just going to look the other way, because all it does is piss me off. It's just one more cause that brushes the childless and/or infertile under the rug and pushes us aside and I am tired of it.

1 comment:

  1. I want to comment because I enjoyed this so much but you said it all. I know how you feel. At least one person here reading this thinks your marriage is just as valid right now as it would be if you had a child ;)