Thursday, December 29, 2011

BBT Spike? Maybe?

So when i started taking my BBT, i started down my the 96's, then hopped up to the low 97's, but now, i'm consistently in the high 97's, so what does it mean?!!? On day 14 i noticed my highest temp so far, a whopping 97.9, so i guess i need to wait and see if that was just a weird day or if that was in fact the post-ovulation spike that everyone talks about. I can just wait and see when the good old period starts and count 14 days back i suppose. lol.
In other news, next week is my blood draw to see if i did in fact ovulate. Here's to hoping that goes well. I'm still on the PTPO mentality, which i like. Optimism is fun, especially when there have been so many months of doubt and fear and everything unpleasant associated with the land of IF.
Looking forward to New Years, Hubbs and i have no plans whatsoever, but none the less, should be a fun time. Maybe this year we'll actually stay up past 9pm. rofl.

Monday, December 26, 2011

WOWzers.

So not a single member of my family called/texted to wish us a Merry Christmas. I don't know if this is some sort of revenge for me asking for financial assistance with my service dog's emergency oral surgery. But it's F*CKING CHRISTMAS! How do you not call your family on Christmas. Sure i could have called them... but i'm totally mad at them. Let's see if i call them to tell them they're gonna be grandparents for the first time. What a bunch of dicks. Then, my brother (when we spoke the other day) said that both of us going back to school was a stupid idea and that we should both get jobs. First of all, both of us DO have jobs, we just never get any hours, and both of us are keeping said jobs even when we start school.
Seriously, i have no idea why my family all of a sudden is being so bleh. Luckily Hubbs' family is being super nice and supportive of our decision to go back to school.
Although i guess for most people, the holiday season is when people get all crazy and annoyed with their family.
In other news, i still haven't noticed a BBT spike to indicate ovulation. Hrmmm. I guess just gotta keep waiting and hoping for the best. Here's to still hoping that our Christmas wish comes true.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Preggers All Around

So now my other sister-in-law is pregnant as well. this will be #4 for her. Hubbs' other sister is already pregnant with #2. Now this sister, the one expecting #4 was pregnant earlier in the year, but had a miscarriage i think in the 2nd trimester. There are gonna be a whole lotta babies up in this family next year. lol. Hopefully Hubbs and i can contribute to that. Haven't noticed the spike in BBT that accompanies ovulation, but i'm still PTPO for now! lol. I certainly feel bloated enough to count as being pregnant. clothes are definitely feeling a little tighter than usual.

So tonight i've gotten all gussied up and Hubbs and everyone else will be heading off to the fabulous christmas party that his grand-uncle hosts every year. We're looking forward to getting there early, cause the awesome shrimp cocktail they have only lasts for the first 20 mins or so. lol.

Merry Christmas eve to all of you and yours. Hope it is awesome. While you're waiting till tomorrow to open up your prezzies from santa, gogo track santa and see where he is now with the NORAD Santa Tracker.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Anti-social Bloated Weirdo.

So there was this family party tonight. We got there around 6, but then i had to leave to go pick up our dog from the vet (more on that later) I got back around 7. Stayed till 8:30 and then left right after that. I left Hubbs at the party. He's still there. lol. I don't know what it is... i really think i do just hate having to pretend like everything is alright. It makes me so tired. Neither of our parents know about our fertility struggles, and i, quite frankly, don't feel like sharing that part of our lives with them. My parents will just yell at me for being a fatty and i have no idea what Hubbs' parents would say. They are such nice people, but i just feel so awkward around them. Maybe cause his mom was all judgmental about the fact that we snuggled in the same bed before we were married. OH THE HORROR. snuggling is so evil and leads to babies... oh wait... lol.

So Gibbs (my little service doggie) we acting kind of weird yesterday, not eating, he was all lethargic, randomly yelped in pain when no one was anywhere near him, and moping around in his kennel. So we took him to the vet and it turns out he had an exposed root in his mouth and then a tooth with an exposed root as well, which had to be extracted. Poor little guy. We got him from a shelter and have trained him ourselves to be my little buddy through everything. But when we got him, he had like, 8 teeth. Most had to be extracted cause when he was a stray they got abscessed and super super infected. Poor little guy isn't going to have any teeth left pretty soon and he's only 3! (or 4, the shelter/my vet isn't really sure lol) I love that little guy though. I love how much Hubbs loves him too. I know originally Hubbs just let me get him so i would shut up about getting a dog (i'd been asking for a year) but now he freaking LOVES that dog. They always cuddle on the couch in the morning and play fetch for hours. It's completely adorable.

My youngest nephew is in town with Hubbs' parents. I've noticed that the way they talk to him is pretty much exactly like the way we talk to Gibbs. Like we say "quiet" to Gibbs when he barks, when nephew #3 screams endlessly, they say "speak softly". Also a lot of "NO!" and other such things... maybe having a dog really does prepare you for having kids. lol.

Tomorrow is the big christmas part up at Hubbs' grand-uncle's house. The food there is awesome, but i am scared about being around so many new people and the potential for being around a lot of babies all night. I'm also slightly nervous about the talent portion of the party... yes... there is a talent show portion at the end. Every family does a little talent thing. We're all singing a christmas song together. i had never heard of it before we practiced it today. So me, Hubbs, Hubbs' parents, eldest sister and her husband, and other sister and her husband, and youngest sister will all be singing a song together. I'm sad to leave Gibbs alone. He will not be invited to the party. I say if babies are allowed, he should be allowed. But i don't really know the grand-uncle that well and i would feel super awkward asking.

I've been taking mucinex to try to help with the CM because apparently, clomid can cause hostile CM, seems counterproductive but ok. lol. Hopefully it works out ok. I'm still nervous about this cycle and feeling kind of crampy. Also, i think i'm super bloated, even the pants i wear when i'm feeling fat are kinda tight. I mean they fit fine when i was standing up, but when i sat down, there was some definite pain. totally weird.

Funny story, so when i told Hubbs that my ovaries hurt, he was like "can we call them something else? when you said 'ovaries' my brain kind of shut off and i didn't hear what you said" and i was like "ok.. um... my egg cartons hurt?" and then we laughed and it was hilarious. So my ovaries shall henceforth forever be referred to as "egg cartons".

Thursday, December 22, 2011

BBT and Last Day of Clomid

So i've been tracking my BBT for the last 3 days like a good girl. lol. Now i have to take it every day for the next 11 days. Over the next 11 days there will also be a crazy amount of funtime. wooohoo funtime. I am however slightly worried that i won't actually ovulate and next month they'll have to bump up the clomid dose... but i suppose i shouldn't worry about things at this point, just go with the flow and have some funsies.
Hubbs's family is in town with our youngest nephew. Being around babies is super hard for me, and having that kid everywhere is really starting to tax me. I'm pretty sure i'm acting like a raging b*tch around his family and Hubbs has definitely noticed that i've been less pleasant lately. More silent and just chilling in the background. The kid is cute, i won't deny that. But holy crap, the lungs on that little monster are ridonkulous. Like for serious. I'm pretty sure i went deaf for a little bit after hearing him scream for 20 mins straight on the drive back from that birthday party we went to.
Wish us luck people! 20% chance is far better than a 0% chance. gogo babies!
Everyone have a happy/merry/whatever and great rest of the year with your family and friends.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Clomid Day 2

So far i haven't noticed any weird side effects since i've started the clomid. Maybe a few twinges of pain in the area of Righty, but that could just be the veins of doom.
Even though i don't have to start taking my BBT till friday, but i think i'm going to get in the habit of it starting tomorrow. I took it today, but apparently you should take it around the same time every day so it is consistent. I have to start training myself to wake up at 6am every day once school starts in 3 weeks, so i guess i'll just start doing it now. I'm sure right afterwards i'll just fall right back asleep, but you know, it's the thought that counts or something!
Hubbs' whole family is coming in this week for the holidays. It'll be nice cause we haven't seen them in a while. Tomorrow we're driving up for Hubbs' grandmother's 80-somethingth birthday bash. Should be a whole lot of fun, even if on the way back we're essentially playing the role of a taxi and shuttling them to their lodgings with their luggage. I mean i'm not bitter...

So we took a mini-vacation to go visit my parents before the holidays and school starts and stuff. It was kind of nice... Until Hubbs and i got into a HUGE fight. I guess it's a good thing we got the first official fight out of the way. He just randomly freaked out at me for spending money and then got all down on himself because he thinks my family thinks he isn't good enough for me. It was supremely unpleasant and it completely ruined our fun night out. After we got home we talked it all over and he apologized for freaking out for no reason, and i apologized for being a spendy whore (which to be fair, i'm not) It was weird. He later explained that every time we go there, he just feels reminded of how he's not doing enough to support us and feels like a bum. I wasn't gonna say it... but he really is. I go off and work, and get everything ready for school and cook and clean and what does he do? Sits on his butt and play video games all night after sleeping in till 2pm every day. In other news, with school starting very very soon, he missed the residency application deadline. So now it's looking like he'll be starting in summer session since everyone gets resident tuition over the summer, and then will work this semester to support me whilst i'm in school. We'll see if that pans out.
On the car ride back we started discussing potential names for our non-existent children. It was nice to know there are some we do agree on and some we both seriously hate. Interestingly enough we do have a few comic book/video game inspired ones. lol.

Right now there's 3 more days of clomid followed by timed intercourse and BBT tracking. I'm hoping so badly that we get really lucky. I know the chances aren't that great, like 20% or something... but we just want it so bad. It'll be hard not to get our hopes up. I think i'll take the "PTPO" approach. lol. Pregnant Till Proven Otherwise. I like it. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Clomid

So went to the doctor today. There was some good news, some bad news, and some irrelevant news. lol. (i'm 90% sure that's a quote from the office) anyways. So the good news is that my ovaries had very few cysts on them! Lefty was even in the range of normal people just a little "plump" nice doctor thought it was incredibly amusing that the radiologist used the word plump cause apparently he'd never heard a radiologist use that word to describe anything, let alone ovaries.
The bad news is that in the region of Righty there are varicose veins in my pelvis which can lead to Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. Apparently this explains a lot of the random twinges of pain i've been having. Nice doctor says that if the pain gets worse, the worst case scenario is i'll wind up needing surgery to go in an fix them. Luckily though, this doesn't interfere with any of our fertility plans.
Now for the irrelevant news? I got my prescription for clomid and i'm picking it up today. My cycle is supposed to start today, it's apparently just dragging its heels and refusing to start. lol. So once it starts, which is gonna be counted as day 1, i wait and take the clomid on days 5-9, and then we have sex every other day on days 10-20 and take my BBT on those days as well. Then on day 21-23 i get blood drawn to check progesterone levels to see if ovulation occured. Then there's a pitchfork in the road. lol. Either we get pregnant, i don't ovulate and we don't and i have to start provera too, or i do ovulate but don't get pregnant and do another clomid cycle. But i like this, i feel like we're actually doing something proactive and positive and taking that first scientific step towards a baby. No more just relying on blind luck and hoping for a miracle.
So wish us luck! Here's to hoping that we are one of those crazy lucky couples who gets pregnant on the first round of clomid, hey, it could happen, right?!!? totally.

Monday, December 12, 2011

Tattoo

So i have been wanting to get a new tattoo for a while now. I currently have 4. All of them have been to commemorate kind of important times in my life. Well... almost all of them. Anyways. I've been wanting to get a phoenix. I wanted a big ass huge one on the inside of my upper arm. I have tweaked the idea to make it something less expensive and less noticeable. I want a phoenix feather on the side of my middle finger.
Hubbs has agreed to let me get more. He said i have to do it before we have kids old enough to notice that i have new ones. lol. I think i'm going to go shopping for an artist tomorrow and see what price range i'll be looking at. Who knows, maybe i'll get it done tomorrow too. I have a tendency to be impulsive when it comes to my tattoos. I know what i want and darnit i go get it.
It'll be nice to have a little pick-me-up after the doctor's appointment tomorrow too. I'll let you know what happens.

Embarrassing.

So i have done something truly embarrassing, shameful, and sad. I bought a belly band (or some cheap knock off version. I mean my pants fit... kinda. I can button them and stuff, but when i sit down, the top rolls down and adjusting it in public is just humiliating. Sure i could buy new pants... but ALL NEW PANTS!? that is not in the budget right now. Every other part of the pants fit great and make my legs look awesome, but my stupid fat PCOS belly is ruining everything. So i caved and bought the stupid thing so i can wear my pants even though i'm a fatty.

In other news, we discovered that there's a racquetball court at our apartment complex and also a gym. wtf? who knew? we've lived here for like a year and a half now and had no idea. We've decided we're gonna start playing racquetball together and it should be funsies. Hubbs wants to get in shape cause he's thinking about maybe trying to become a cop and obviously i want to get in shape, one cause i'm now too fat for my pants, and two because we wanna have babies.

We head to Vegas on wednesday. I have my Dr's appointment tomorrow to hopefully get my Clomid and definitely get the results of the ultrasound i had last week. The boobs are still pretty sore and i keep feeling twinges of crampy pain around my ovaries. My lower back occasionally goes into bits of hurt as well.

I kept joking with Hubbs that i was gonna bring back my PS2 when we leave Vegas, and my DDR mat. that's right, i have my very own Dance Dance Revolution mat. When i was in high school, all my friends and i played DDR because we were huge nerds. Not only is it a fun game, but it also forces you to actually get up and move. It will totally count as a workout. I still have my Bodybugg too back from when i went to 24 Hour Fitness and actually worked out for like 4-6 hours a day and actually managed to gain weight despite burning far more calories than i ate. I figure i might as well start it up again and try my best to lose weight. I've been hovering around 275 lbs for a long time now. Every study i've read even my nice doctor says losing just 5-10% of my body weight can be incredibly beneficial. Supposedly can even help keep the PCOS under control as well. I could totally lose like 27 lbs. I don't know how long it will take me... but i'm gonna do it. You can be my bloggy witnesses. I'll even post my weight loss/gain for the week too. I like this, i'll be held accountable by the internet. Can't let the internet down! lol.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Crampy, Icky, and Ouchy.

So i've been having cramps for the last few days. Seem to be primarily in the region of Righty. I've been feeling rather nauseated and icky lately, so i refilled my prescription for omeprazole. To top it all off my boobs are really sore.
I know what you're going to say... "maybe you're pregnant" and i will go "hahahahahaha" and then fall over and die laughing. They cycle is due any day now. Specifically tuesday, assuming this month actually decides to stick to a 40 day cycle and not a 46 or 60 day one like i've had in the past.
In other news, Hubbs and i are going to Vegas on wednesday. Gonna do a little pre-christmas visit with the family. We're spending actual christmas where we live because Hubbs' parents are flying into town. We're looking forward to that because i think we haven't seen them in... um.. hrmm... maybe since i have no idea, it's been a while though.
So wish me luck at my doctor's appointment on tuesday, here's to hoping the ultrasound was clear and that we can start the clomid this cycle. Fingers crossed.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Ugh.

So yet another friend is pregnant. That brings the current total up to like 42? Good heavens that's a lot of people. I'm not sure how many there are total but it feels like so many. Feels like literally everyone is getting preggers. pregnant people everywhere. It shouldn't be "Christmas is all around" it should be "Preggers are all around"

Still eagerly awaiting the results of the ultrasound. My cycle is due to start next week. Really hoping it is actually on time this time. Tends to kind of delay itself and trick me into thinking that i may, possibly, remotely could be pregnant. So i'll take a test, and wouldn't you know it, the very next day, it shows up rearing it's stupid ugly head.

I am trying to be hopeful, trying to be positive, trying very much so. Goodness it is hard though.

I have been cranky lately. Very cranky. I'll chalk it up to PMS or something. Hubbs feels like i'm taking it out on him. Maybe I am. I just feel like i'm doing everything. Going back to school, actually registering for classes, filling out all of the paperwork, working, getting all of the tests done... and what does he do? He sits at home playing video games all day, oh wait, j/k he sleeps till like, 3pm and then plays video games all night, finally coming to bed around 6am. Do i even have a right to be mad about that? I feel like i can't really talk to him about it because then he gets all depressed and thinks he's not being a good husband. He is a good husband, but sometimes i wish he'd do more around the house or actually do the things he says he's going to. And not forget because he's too busy playing his precious video games. Don't get me wrong, I love video games too... It's how we got together in the first place. I feel like he's just playing way too much. Waaaaaaay too much. I dunno. Sometimes it just makes me feel really lonely even though technically we spend most of the day in the same room. He'll either be sleeping on the couch while i'm on my computer, or we'll both be on our separate computers ignoring each other. I try to go out and give him alone time so he'll spend time with me when i'm actually home, but he just winds up sleeping through the whole time i'm gone. How do i fix this? Is this something i should even think about fixing?

Sorry that was a bit off topic... but this is the blog that no one i know knows i have. The place where i can vent everything. And while technically this is a blog about our struggles through infertility, our relationship is rather a big part of that.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Ultrasound #3

I'm pretty sure today's ultrasound was #3. What the heck is it about my bladder that makes it refuse to hang onto the massive amounts of liquids i drink? Like for serious. Every single time i've been there now they can't see anything with the regular wand and have to stick that giant crazy long one all up in my lady business.

Anywho. The preliminary whatever seems to indicate that good old Lefty is actually normal sized. Not normal sized for PCOS, but like, normal lady sized. Super exciting. Supposedly i'll get the official results in a day or two. Fingers crossed people. Because if everything with the ovaries looks good... there will be a Clomid cycle this month!!! eeeeek! so excited! Trying not to get my hopes up, but it seriously looks like everything just might be working out in our favor.

Tomorrow Hubbs and i are finally going to get the cash back check from when we bought our car. A whole extra $500 to spend on whatever we want. I'm willing to bet that 90% will be going towards fertility treatments and such, but still! free money is the best kind of money. Methinks we shall be going out to a fancy dinner! and by fancy dinner, i mean something that isn't fast food where a waiter brings us things. heck yes.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

The Next Step.

Had a followup with my doctor yesterday. Pretty much the next step is Clomid. He also suggested having Hubbs' swimmers tested, which without insurance is gonna be $106. Hubbs for some reason does not want to do this until we have a bit more money. This month we have an extra $750 to spend on whatever the heck we want, and he doesn't want to get tested. I'm sure it's just some sort of dude thing, and maybe he doesn't want to risk knowing that there's something wrong with him too, since he's seen how much it messes me up knowing there's something wrong with me. I don't know, he pretty much just stressed the financial issue of it, and i suppose i'll leave it there for now. He did say however, that in 3 weeks, once he knows if he has this other job or not, that he will willingly go get tested.

I can't figure out why he is so interested in being a dishwasher. I mean sure the job is at this awesome resort and it would be cool... but he would rather wash dishes than do something more constructive, like teach english!?!?! (that's the job he has now, teaching english online to people overseas) Whatever, he can do what will make him happy and i am not one to stand in the way of that i suppose.

Anyways. I have a followup ultrasound next wednesday to make sure the cyst on Lefty has gone away... and if it has....Hubbs said we can try a Clomid cycle! I am super super excited. Whilst (whilst is a great word, people should use it more often) i'm excited for the possibility of starting a cycle, it seems like such a waste to do it without knowing 100% that the Hubbs contribution would be viable. At the same time though, i like the slight glimmer of hope, this endless world of possibility where just maybe we'll be one of the lucky couples that gets pregnant on the first Clomid cycle try. I doubt it... but that tiny shred of hope is something i haven't felt in quite a while. So here's to hoping the ultrasound is clear!

Hubbs and i also discussed the whole adoption thing. While we still have months and months to think about it, he was getting way into it. Asking if we could specify age and race. He seems rather adamant about adopting a child that is a different race from us, i have no problem with that. We're also trying to establish an acceptable age range. He was all for the idea of skipping out on the newborns and going for the toddler range. This is a good call in several ways. Not only would we miss out on like, 2 years of diapers, but also, we could in theory, have a child placed with us sooner because older children are in less demand. Which i think is so sad. Every child deserves a home where they will be loved. So that's something for us to look forward to as well. Getting on the adoption list! wooo! Sure we have until august to wait, but that really doesn't seem like that long with my bright-eyed and optimistic outlook.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Moar Preggers Peeps

So my college buddy's wife had their second baby 2 days ago. His cousin, my other college buddy, announced that his wife is preggers. GRRRR everyone is fricking pregnant!!I'd actually had a dream a few weeks ago that she was pregnant, but didn't bother telling him my suspicions. They only got married in June. Grumble grumble. Stupid fertile people and their ability to pop out babies like rabbits.

In other news, i spent tuesday night sobbing my eyes out to our church leader explaining the whole "babies make me so sad" thing. Hubbs and i have decided that maybe if we sit in the front row from now on, then i won't have to see babies and therefore won't cry. Seems like an interesting idea, one which i am eager to try out on sunday. Cause if that doesn't work, we're gonna have to switch buildings, which would just be annoying.

Anyways. Our little furbaby Gibbs was kinda sickly yesterday, wouldn't really eat much and seemed sapped of energy. It took him 2 tries to try to jump up on things, normally he's a regular jackrabbit when it comes to jumping on stuff. He seems a little better today though, which is good.

Tomorrow i'm off to see the doctor about starting clomid and probably scheduling an ultrasound so we can make sure Lefty is no longer a giant ball of nastiness. There's definitely been less pain lately, which i'm sure is a good sign. But i'll be sure to overshare with you and let you know how everything goes.

I just feel like i've been an emotional wreck lately. So hard to get my emotions under control. I really don't want to have to go on anti-depressants again, i really don't feel like they helped all that much, maybe there's some other thing i can go on instead. Like a mood stabilizer, i'm sure that's what anti-depressants are for... but i dunno, i guess i'll just wait to see what he tells me. I'm super psyched that my copay is way less than it was. New insurance is awesome. Curious to see how much they actually cover when it comes to IF treatment... in fact, i should probably look that up.

The holidays are quickly approaching. Hubbs and i are excited because we get a cashback bonus for buying our car and one for renewing our lease, so in total we have $750 extra to play with. I'm sure most of it will wind up going towards fertility treatments... but there's also a chance that i'll be getting a brand new Nook Tablet!!!! I am so incredibly excited for this i cannot even begin to tell you!!

I also saw the absolutely cutest idea for an advent calendar, which i cannot wait to start up once the Hubbs and i have kiddies. the Christmas Book Advent Calendar. So you wrap up 25 christmas themed books and each night, you unwrap one and read them with the kids! Sounds like so much fun! and you can wrap them up all adorably and stuffs. Heck, i want to do it right now even though we don't have any kids!

Another thing that has been on Hubbs and my minds lately is the whole adoption thing. I, as an adopted child, have always wanted to give that same opportunity to another child regardless of whether or not i could have kids of my own. In August, Hubbs and i will be able to get on the adoption list. We are super excited about it, but have to make some tough decisions, like what ages we're willing to adopt. I know the list for newborns is crazy long, and honestly, it might be nice to skip the whole diaper stage. lol. So that's something that we'll be thinking about over the next several months. We're not at all picky about race or sex, but age definitely is something that we kind of had forgotten to think about. I would be hesitant to adopt a child older than 4, but i don't know. Luckily we have lots of time to worry about and discuss it.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Sad Sunday.

So we hadn't really been to church lately, and i had forgotten why. So since i actually had a sunday off from work, i was like "Hey Hubbs, let's go to church today!" so we got all gussied up and on our way we went. (driving our shiny new car i would like to point out! yay we got a new car, more on that later, back to the story now) So we park, and right there in the parking lot i remember why we stopped going. Babies. Literally everywhere. Everywhere you look there are couples running around holding 40 babies each. I sat there and tried to tough it out. I really did. But there were twins babies sitting right in front of me. And babies to my left and babies to my right. It was horrible. It was all i could do to stop myself from crying. I asked Hubbs if we could leave early. He asked why and i said "Because i'm sad" He said ok and back to the car we went. He immediately comforted me and said "maybe we can find a session without babies" i asked if he thought there might be a senior citizen one somewhere we could go to. Then we both laughed.

On the car ride home i definitely cried. I held back the tears for as long as i could. But seriously. You'd think i'd get over this eventually. It's been months. Months of avoiding the babypalooza that is our church. So i shall be avoiding it some more. Still definitely far too painful. I just hate it when the babies are rubbed in my face. It's like hey, everyone has babies! Babies are taking over! Oh hey look, so and so is expecting her 15th baby and she's only 30.

One day i'm sure it won't be as bad. I hold on to that hope that one day we'll get to be parents. It's just so hard waiting and hoping and that constant nagging feeling of disappointed hopes and setbacks.

I came home and snuggled Gibbs for a long while, that definitely helped. Then i just felt tired and nauseated and slept for like 3 hours. Still feeling icky now, but i'm cooking Hubbs dinner because i love him and because he's been so supportive and loving throughout all of this. My crazy emotional outbursts and depressed days.

Thinking about calling in sick to work tomorrow. Hubbs will be mad, but I feel sick and lousy and sad. That's a perfect excuse to miss work methinks.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Turkey Day.

Woohoo for turkey day. I've been telling everyone today "Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a food night!" it made me feel clever. lol. Today we're going over to Hubb's sister's house. Totally glad i only have to make 1 thing. Hurray for green bean casserole. I was gonna make a dessert too, but then they had pies on sale for like $3 and that's what i was gonna make. The cost of the ingredients was gonna be way more that $3. So i caved and bought the pie instead.
Should be a good time though. I'm looking forward to it.

I am not however looking forward to working tonight. from 9pm - 1:30am there is a good chance i will get trampled by someone trying to run to a good deal. eeeek. Have to do it all again tomorrow night too. Oh boy. Here's to hoping i stay safe. lol.

Tomorrow Hubbs and i are also going to test out the theory that Black Friday is the best day to buy a car. We'll see what happens. We're mostly just going to browse and see what deals we can get. My dad swears that 12/31 is actually the best day to buy a car because every salesperson is itching to make their quotas and will sell you cars for next to nothing. Still gonna check out tomorrow anyway.

Hubbs and i haven't really talked much about the whole baby thing lately. I still want to broach the idea of him getting his swimmers tested so we can know once and for all whether or not the problem is just with me. Still need to know how much it's going to cost without insurance. I'm assuming we'll have to wait till after the holiday to find out.

Apparently this coming week is fertility week. I don't really want to bother testing for ovulation, pretty sure i'll just get disappointed. I'll actually be excited for my period this next month. Cause the sooner it gets here, the sooner i can start my first clomid cycle. I'm sure i've mentioned this so many times, but i don't care, i'm excited. lol.

Anyway, i hope you and yours have a spectacular Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Health Insurance

Hurray my new health insurance cards came in. Effective as of 12/1/11. Awesome. This means that we should be able to start clomid with my december cycle. Happy joy joy! This means i just might be able to fulfill my dream of having a kid born on 2/29. lol.

Today turned out to be not as long of a day as originally planned. We got to practice restraints, defensive moves, and holds. After struggling against restraints for like an hour i was super tired and sore. lol. Definitely one of the more fun educational things i've done lately.

Hubbs and i went to campus on monday and made appointments with our advisors. So after the 6th i should be able to register for classes and be all excited for january when school starts.

I like seeing this whole wide world of possibilities. I'm starting to feel way more optimistic, this totally makes me a happy panda. =)

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Work Related Post Today...

Attention shoppers, i have some tips for you when it comes to taking free samples so you don't piss off the sample giver person.

1. Take the napkin too. For serious. We spend all this time putting your stupid sample on a napkin, the least you can do is take it. You touch it when you pick up said sample, so we have to throw it away anyway.

2. Don't let your kid breathe all over the samples. I know they like to stick their faces close to everything, but come on, now i have to throw the rest away.

3. Pick up the one closest to you. One is not better than the other. Your sleeve grazes the front two while you clumsily pick up the one closest to me, and now i have to throw the rest away.

4. Don't stand there and ask stupid questions like "oooh, what is that you've got there?" REALLY? there are no less than 2 giant signs indicating the crap that i'm peddling this week... L2Read.

5. Don't try to be all sneaky and be like "what? i've never walked down this ailse before, who are you? what store is this? is that some sort of food you have there? i think i'll try that" I know you took one like 5 mins ago, i don't care. Take another one. Seriously just do it. This one is the best one anyway, no sleeve germs or little kid breath on this one, i promise.

6. When you see me standing there with an empty cart, with literally no food on it, and no indication of food on it. Don't ask me what i'm making, again, read the GIANT SIGN THAT SAYS IT, i'm busy prepping stuff and i hate you for having to take time to answer your stupid question instead of making said item.

7. No, i am not an employee of this store. Sure i'm in it, and i'm wearing accessories with the logo all over it... i know it's confusing. No, i can't tell you where turkey ham (someone asked me for this, wtf is it? has anyone heard of this?)/hot chocolate/squeeze bottles/uncooked torillas/whatever the heck you're looking for is... i have no idea. Unless it's the item i am actively demoing at my stupid cart, i have no clue where it is.

This is all i can think of for now, i'm sure there will be more. Take this to heart people, especially if you come to my cart. lol.

In other news. Little Gibbs had a seizure today. The vet says it's a typical thing with poodles and just to look out for anything that indicates his brain function has been impaired. Poor little guy. We've showered him with lots of extra love and affection today and hope it was just a one time thing.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Forgetful

So apparently i forgot to blog yesterday. way to fail me, way to fail.

After what seemed like an endless day at work where i felt incredibly ill for the last 4 hours of it, i drove home. This took, not the 10 minutes it usually does, but a whopping 45 mins. I got home incredibly cranky and tired and loaded down with groceries. Luckily, there was a nice guy in the parking lot who helped me carry some of it up to the apartment.

Hubbs and i just sat around watching the office and not doing anything productive at all. It was a lovely evening. lol.

I work today too. Not gonna get home till 7:30 apparently. Hubbs is going to make dinner. I'm a little excited about that. He's gonna make yummy things, i am certain.

Insurance cards have yet to come in. I am starting to doubt whether they are going to! I start Job #1 on monday. A bit nervous, don't really feel very trained, maybe there will be some on the job training or something. I dunno.

Gibbs has been absolutely adorable lately. He wants to cuddle with me a lot, which makes me happy. That little furball just lights up my day! Hubbs and i have taken to calling him our furbaby. lol.

Tuesday, Thursday and Friday this week i am working double shifts. DOUBLE SHIFTS. I am clearly a crazy person. One is a required training, but the other two i stupidly volunteered for. Seriously, what kind of idiot actually volunteers to work at a retail store on black friday?!?!

Hubbs and i are dropping by our college on monday to finish up the financial aid paperwork and get our ID's and stuff. I have to fill out the "change your major" paperwork as well. I'm kind of nervous about going back to school, but i'm sure it'll be great. My transcripts came today from my other school Holy crap are they thick! lol. A whole $0.53 to mail! that's like, 10 pages or something crazy like that.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Last Day of Freedom

So today apparently is my last day off until the madness begins. Well, i do have next weekend off, which is nice, but for serious, i'm gonna be crazy busy. Job #1 starts monday. I have shifts both tomorrow and sunday for job #2. This week, for 3 days after working 9-3:30 at job #1, i then have to do shifts at job #2. Oh boy. I am going to be crazy tired.

The idea of working a black friday shift is also incredibly terrifying. Go me? Why the eff did i volunteer for this?!!?

Hubbs' training started today. Apparently he got the job. Hurray for him!

It was funny. Apparently all of the people in his training class are moms. One of which had her baby with her. He was all like, "so when you have babies, are your boobs gonna get bigger?" and i was like "yep. lol" My boobs are already crazy big, but it was so funny hearing him get all excited about the idea of me having even bigger boobs. He was also way more frisky today than usual. Could be that it's been like a week since we'd done it, but i feel like it's pulling teeth when i try to get him in the mood. I told him he should hang out with moms more often. lol. Still, in the back of my mind, jealous freak me is like "wtf was he thinking about all day that made him come home and actually want sex for once?!" but there is a part of me that justifies it by saying that it's probably just because it had been so long since we got to sexing. I'll try to not think about it too much, cause then i'll overthink it and get all chick-crazy. (which i hate)

Anyways, it's been a pretty good week. I'm nervous about the craziness on my plate next week. Working shifts and then working more shifts. But i guess it's good. Money is always a good thing, especially cause it's kind of tight this month. Hubbs' new job should help.

Still waiting for the insurance cards to come so i can go to the doctor and talk about the clomid stuff. Kind of nervous about that conversation, hoping he'll tell me we can start sooner rather than later, but i guess i'll just have to wait and see.

I'm still wondering about how much it would be to get Hubbs' sperm tested. I know we should in case the problem isn't just with me, but with him as well... definitely going to remember to look into that.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ok so i Lied. lol.

I wound up selling my laptop whilst on vacation. So i didn't post every day. Way to fail me! way to fail.

We spent the rest of vacation doing everything in our power to not spend any money. We went o the Coke Bottle, the M&M's store, the Ethel M Factory, the Pinball Hall of Fame, and the Auto Collections at the Imperial Palace. We printed a coupon for the last one, so that's what made it free. lol.

We got Gibbs groomed so he actually looks like a poodle now, which is awesome. Hubbs was like "wait, is that my dog? are you sure that's my dog?" He was so cute.


Also, at the auto collections, i fell in love... too bad i can't afford the price tag. Something in the hundreds of thousands of dollars range.


Now Hubbs and i are back home. Health insurance is supposed to kick in this month, just in time to start a Clomid cycle. yay? Another thing i've been wondering about is how much it would be to get Hubbs' swimmers tested. My company doesn't include insurance for him. I guess we could wait until he gets a job and has insurance of his own. He has a second interview/training this weekend and then an interview for a different job on monday. I really hope he gets at least one of them, it would take a whole lot of stress out of everything. Selling my laptop definitely helped with the financial stress.

In other news, we might be trading our car in for something with 4-wheel drive. It's gonna start snowing here pretty soon and we want something that will allow us to drive a bit more safely. Our current car really didn't hold up too well last year. According to my father, the absolute best day to buy a car is December 31st. Cause salespeople are nervous about hitting their quotas and will sell you cars for almost anything. We are very eager to test out his theory.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Vegas Day One

So here we are in Vegas. So far this morning i have discovered that my favorite breakfast place has closed, spent way too much money on shoes and clothes for my husband (but it's not our money, so spend away i say!), lounged around reading girly books whilst my husband and father get their fill of sunday football. Good heavens my husband missed watching football.

We have no money. We spent $50 of non-existant money getting here and need it back before 2pm tomorrow or we'll get evicted from our apartment. Super awesome. I'm sure i'll all work out just fine.

Tonight we're going out to dinner with my parents to the delicious and delightful Cheesecake Factory. A favorite of our family, mostly because we don't have any where we live.

Gibbs has been getting along great with the other doggies which is great, it was something i was definitely worried about.

The rest of the week remaining here seems to be planned out. Hopefully we find some time to meet with my good buddy and her husband. I know Hubbs has to be craving some guy time. Guy binding is important or something like that. lol.

The important thing here is that i have done well and am keeping my promise to keep blogging every day in November. Hurray me! Baby steps.

Also, one annoying thing. I really hate when people ask "have you lost weight?" it's kind of a douchebaggy thing to say. It's like hey, i thought you were way fatter than you look right now. wtf is that??! it's especially annoying because i've actually gained weight, apparently i just carry it better now or something. LAME. My parents have this awesome way of complementing me in such a way that makes me feel like total crap. Good times.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Early Morning Post Time

Today is gonna be a crazy packed and busy day. I'll be working till 4:30 then heading straight home to throw stuff in the car and drive for 6 hours to Vegas. Since usually when i get off work, my legs feel like they're gonna fall off and die, i wonder what i'd have to do to convince Hubbs to drive the whole way.

I packed everything last night and for the first time ever, couldn't fit everything in one bag. I consider myself thegrand master of packing. I toured Europe for a month with just a single backpack. and not a special backpack, like for camping, just a normal one. This same bag refused to fit all of my stuff for this trip. wtf?!?! So Hubbs and i are taking 3 bags. Which if you think about it, is way too many bags for a 4 day trip. I've turned into one of "those people" who takes way too many bags and never needs them all. I hate those people.

I'm posting too early to see the bloggy prompt for today. So i guess that's it. I will try my best to post while on mini-vacation. =)

Friday, November 11, 2011

Super Sore

Had a long day at work today my feet and lower back are killing me yet again. If i didn't think feet were totally gross (even my own) i would so ask Hubbs for a foot massage. Maybe i can sucker him in to giving me a back rub. Got offered a shift at my other job starting the 28th. And starting school in January. Man i am a busy busy bee. How will we ever find time to fit in Clomid cycles and baby-making?!?!

Leaving for Vegas tomorrow after work. I will make every effort to blog while we're on our mini-vacation. Don't know how possible it will be since i'm not bringing my computer. I guess i could bring my laptop (which is a total piece of crap, it's 6 years old and runs like a dinosaur and occasionally crashes) yes, laptop bringing it shall be. Since i'm pretty sure there isn't a blogger app for blackberry yet.

So even when school does start, i plan on keeping my weekend job. It's part time, pays decently, and includes benefits. Not something a lot of jobs have nowadays.

I went to bed at 8:30 last night. That is so pathetic. I've just been feeling so tired and rundown lately. I can't seem to shake this cold i have either. grrrrr. Hopefully it all clears up soon. Usually getting out of town for a few days is good for me. Recharges the batteries and all that.

Oh, in other news, Hubbs and i almost got evicted today. good times. We paid like, half of our rent and were waiting to pay the other half when i get paid. Normally the apartment complex is pretty lenient about that sort of thing. But apparently they've now decided to be giant dicks about it. They also refuse to let us pay them half of the rest today and half of the rest on monday. NONO it must ALL be paid at the same time. In case they forgot, today is an effing holiday and all of the banks are closed. We couldn't even pay you the full amount today if we wanted to. Seriously, a huge bunch of dicks. Luckily they have given us till monday to pay. Goodness gracious, now we want to move out of here even more.

You'd think i'd be a giant ball of stress with everything that's been going on lately. But no. I'm kinda kind of relaxing and going with the flow. Sure that means i might drown in this river of doom that we're currently floating down... but i'm sure someone will throw me a life-ring of whatever those stupid things they have near pools and ships are called. And of course, i have Hubbs with me, which is nice, he makes me laugh even when things are horrible, which is one of the better qualities one could wish for in a partner. He has a job interview/training thing when we get back from Vegas too. So keep your fingers crossed for that. He's been unemployed for almost a year now, and it would be amazing to not have to be the sole breadwinner. Especially because even with 2 jobs, i still don't make enough to support us right now. Once i start that new shift at the end of the month maybe it'll be possible, but definitely not now.

Maybe i'll get lucky in Vegas like i did last time. I won $250 at bingo last time i was there. It was super awesome. Hubbs also has crazy great luck when it comes to those stupid penny slot things. For serious. lol.

Also, since it is 11/11/11, an awesome day that comes around once every hundred(?) years. NaBloPoMo's prompt of the day is to make 3 wishes. So wishing starts now! lol.

1. I wish that some day eventually, Hubbs and i are able to have a child of our very own (whether that means biologically, adopting, whatever, we don't care, we just want to one day be parents)

2. That we find some direction in life, and that we are both able to find jobs that we enjoy and we find fulfilling.

3. That we are blessed enough to continue love each other a little more every day, and never take that love for granted.

Those might be cheesy wishes. But gorramit, they're my awesome wishes. Now to just find a genie to make those wishes come true. (although, i do have a wish ready if i ever do find a genie lamp, it's that every time i go to pay for something, i magically have exact change to pay for it, feel free to steal that one, it's awesome) I chose not to include that one in my NaBloPoMo wishes, because the wishes i made are a little more realistic. lol.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Run Down, Achy and Sickly

I feel like i should be over this cold/whatever thing by now. I'm just so tired all the time. My head aches, my lower back aches, i just feel really crummy. Super lame.

In other news, i work tomorrow and saturday. Then right after i get off work, when i'm guaranteed to be tired, sore, and cranky, Hubbs and i will be driving off to Vegas. Should be fun though, we'll get some yummy food, get to see the family, and Gibbs will get to meet the other doggies. Kind of nervous about that part. I'm sure he'll be fine though.

Gonna head to school today and try to get my residency worked out and get my student id. Perhaps try to convince hubbs to actually pay his application fee so he can get in. Not sure how we're actually gonna pay for things like rent and food. Gonna have to have a nice, potentially horrifying chat with my family. Good times.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Cinnamon Toast Crunch

We went to costco a few days ago and picked up some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, this was the greatest idea ever. Not only is it nommy for breakfast, but totally satisfies my late night sweet cravings as well. And i feel less guilty about eating it because it's cereal, and cereal is awesome.

My FAFSA came back today and i'm totally gonna get enough money to cover the year. Or are FAFSA's done by semester? I really have no idea. Transcripts have been ordered and looking forward to meeting with my advisor next week, or maybe the week after next. Hubbs has kind of been slacking on getting all of his stuff in. Hopefully if i bug him enough he'll do it. He's the one who's supposed to be more excited about going back to school than me.
Now all i need to do is choose a major, i think i'm leaning more towards Forensic Science, because i can actually finish my degree there and not have to worry about transferring, like i would with Mining Engineering.

We're doing pretty great. Hubbs has been awesome about helping me around the house more. He's been doing dishes and vacuuming and just being incredibly sweet. We've also been having a Glee marathon. Which is completely hilarious.

I gave Gibbs a bath the other day. Hubbs decided he wanted to watch. He thought it was so cute. He said "I can't wait till we have kids and you give them baths, it's gonna be 100x cuter" I love when he says things like that. Makes me happy to know that he's excited for the day we have kids too.

Timing wise, this next cycle kind of has to work, otherwise, we'll have to wait 3 months before trying again. Maybe it's a bad idea to try to plan a baby around a school schedule. To me though, it does make the most sense to try to time it so that the baby would be born during a break in school. That way i wouldn't have to take too much time off and such. I dunno. No matter what though, next cycle is gonna start the Clomid madness. Hopefully Hubbs can handle an emotional mess of a me. lol.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Blarg

My head still hurts like heck, i'm pretty sure i took one too many pain pills for it an now feel kind of nauseated. But hey, i managed to get a daily blog in just under the wire. Hurray for me.
In other exciting news, Hubbs and i are BOTH starting school again in January. I already have a bachelor's and he needs to finish his first one. I figure hey, what's 4 more years, right? I'm kind of tired of crappy, no skills required jobs, and would like to do something awesome. I'm deciding between Mining Engineering or Forensic Science (a field apparently which is like, 80% women).
Reapplied to school today and i'm gonna go meet with an advisor tomorrow. This is great. I have been feeling like going back to school, i just needed some direction. Totally looking forward to it. Wish us luck!
Also, this doesn't mean that baby-making is going on the back burner, oh no no. We'll be trying for that as well. The timing will just have to be great. lol. Like arrange it so the baby will be due during winter break, or summer vacation or something.... yea.... oh well. If i have to take a semester off cause i get knocked up, so be it.
A friend once said it very well, "i'm gonna turn 30 anyway, i might as well be doing something i love" I'm definitely taking that to heart here. I dislike currently being 3 years out of college and having nothing to show for it. I'm have jobs that kids right out of high school can get. It's kind of depressing. This way, i'll have skills that are actually in demand. People will be begging me to work for them. It'll be awesome. (this might be wishful thinking, but i don't care. everyone needs a little hope every once in a while)
And now i feel like i'm gonna puke again. it's back to laying down for me. =/

Monday, November 7, 2011

Headaches and Horribleness

I've really just been feeling like complete crap lately. My head is aching like crazy, my ears hurt, my neck is sore... why can't it all just go away? I'm almost out of the fancy painkillers that Male Doctor gave me for my giant cyst on Lefty.

The one comforting thing so far is that Gibbs has been coming up to me and asking for lots of loving. Which is great, cause i love affection when i'm feeling all sickly.

I have also decided that i'm going to stray from proper capitalization because this is more of a stream of consciousness thing and it's easier... and i'm lazy.

Since i am feeling like a carrier monkey today, probably going to cut it out for today. But i shall relish in my small victory of actually posting 2 days in a row despite the fact that nothing exciting has happened.

In an unrelated note, i am craving sushi something fierce. Wonder what it'll take to convince Hubbs to let me get some... i'm guessing bribery. lol.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

NaBloPoMo

So Jen over at Maybe If You Just Relax... is participating in NaBloPoMo, and I thought to myself man, I can totally commit to making a blog post every day! why not?! I really have nothing better to do... well, I mean, I have work occasionally, and we're going to be taking a week-long trip to Vegas in the next 2 weeks. I'm gonna do it though! Totally on board!
Now that I know other people may even be reading this thing... I feel like it will pressure me to pay attention to things like grammar and proper capitalization.

Hubbs and I almost got into our first fight last night. Yes, we've been married for over a year and have yet to have a fight. It was stupid really, We were playing WoW (this nerdy computer game that we play) and he called some other chick "Woman" which is what he calls me. Then I got all jealous and was like "wtf!?! don't call other women the thing you call me when you're being all cute" Also, I was the one who had been at work like, all weekend, and I get home to him acting like a jerk to me. Totally not cool. We have this thing where if we feel like the other one is getting mad we'll say "is this a fight?" The answer is always no. Last night though, Hubbs said "yes" I then refused to allow it to be a fight and told him that I just didn't want him to be a jerk to me after I get home from working all day. He then apologized and decided to be less of an ass.

I'm slightly bummed that we don't have health insurance right now, it kicks in towards the middle of the month. My period just ended, which I'm pretty sure means if we were gonna start Clomid, it would have to be right now! This awesome timing means that we'll have to wait till next cycle to start. This makes me a sad panda.

Well anyway, here I will be, making a sincere effort to blog every day in the month of November. Gogo me!

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Crimson Wave of Terror

I like how like, 3 days after i waste money on a pregnancy test, my period slaps me in the face. Seriously. So rude! How dare you, period! so mean! I feel like it's crazy heavier than normal and i've just run out of tampons. Always fun. Have to wait till monday to buy some more. That or i guess i could make Hubbs go buy some (although i did promise him that i would never make him do that). anyways. I've just been working to distract myself from the disappointment of failed cycles. It was hard today, passing out free toys and giving a bajillion children cupcakes. Seeing all of the tiny adorable babies everywhere.
It's been kind of rough, but i've seriously been trying to just buck up and deal with it. I've felt like crying less, so that's also a good sign i am certain.
Looking forward to visiting my parents here in a few weeks. They always try to murder us with overfeeding. Can't wait for them to meet little Gibbs though. Our dog is seriously precious and i know they will just fall in love with him just like we have.

Here he is on Halloween looking all adorable.


Monday, October 31, 2011

Not Pregnant... Again.

Took a test just to be sure. Of course, it was negative. so all of this nausea, tiredness, and everything else is completely unrelated to a bun in the oven.
Next month, health insurance kicks in and it looks like we'll be starting on the clomid. le sigh.

Overdue

So apparently the period is overdue this month. I'm not getting my hopes up though, because there was that time a few months ago where i just skipped a month for no apparent reason. I did the stupid ovulation tests this whole cycle and a big fat nada in the positive department. So there is literally only a 0.00000001% chance that i'm pregnant, and that would require some sort of miracle. Then again, birthday wishes are powerful things... maybe it worked in my favor. Hubbs also made some sort of secretive birthday wish this month, so who knows?!
I'll take a test anyway, cause really, everyone needs a good dose of disappointment every month, right?

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Nauseated Constantly

Ugh, i've been feeling like crap for the last week. Seriously. I constantly feel like i'm gonna puke. When i burp or hiccup i throw up a little in my mouth. Good times. I strongly dislike feeling like this. Really hope it stops soon. Have no explanation for it, perhaps giant cyst of doom. I hate feeling icky.
Supposed to be getting my period soon, or maybe it's already late, i dunno i'll have to check the calendar. All i know is, i'm super tired, feel like crap, have a terrible cold complete with cough and painfully stuffy sinuses, and now crippling nausea. awesome.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I would like ALL of the cysts PLEASE!

So not only do i still have the awesome poly-cystic ovaries... now i have a giant cyst on Lefty which keeps me in a crazy amount of pain. Fun times.
Male Doctor was nice to me and saw me for free today to help manage the pain a bit. If it doesn't burst on it's own within a week we're gonna do an ultrasound and hope that it's not a bad one that needs to be taken out by force.
Looking forward to kind of being zonked out on painkillers. Hubbs and i are getting some greasy, cheap, delicious mexican food for dinner tonight and i'm super psyched. I <3 the things that are bad for me. lol.

Pain, oh so much pain.

So for the last few days, i've been having a twinge in Lefty's general region. Now it's like this horrible aching, occasionally stabbing pain. If i have another cyst i'mma be pissed. Anyway, it hurts really bad, and i can't afford to go to the doctor, let alone any meds for it. WTF am i supposed to do? This sucks. Maybe i'll go to WebMD and check and see if i really do actually need to go to the doctor. I unfortunately already know that the answer is yes. Any intense pain lasting more than 24 hours = a doctor's visit. Where the heck can i get super cheap care? Maybe i'll just not tell them my name and cry a lot, then run away before they discharge me? How can i even think that this is a good plan? i am so fail. I'll have insurance through work again in like, 2 weeks, but i definitely can't wait that long. Maybe i'll call my doctor and see if they'll be nice to me, since i gave them so much money when i actually had some. yea... that'll do it!
I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Denial? Depression? Acceptance? What is this stage?

So i'm still in the "i'm giving up" mindset. I've stopped using the ovulation tracker things, I've stopped keeping track of when Hubbs and i have sexy time, I hardly remember to take my prenatals, and I've gained weight. Good times.
I just feel so crappy about all of this. Gibbs has been an awesome distraction. Hubbs and i dote on him and spoil him rotten. He has seriously brought such joy and laughter into our house. He is awesome.
It'll be another few weeks before my new job's health insurance kicks in, so i won't be going back to the doctor till then. I guess i'll just keep taking my metformin, trying to remember to choke down those really nasty tasting prenatals, and hope for the best.
My birthday is next week, and i guess that's something i can look forward to. Not really looking forward to getting older. I think i'll just tell people i'm turning 25 again... which i have done for the last few years. But hey, if i can still get carded at rated-R movies, i figure i can get away with it. Lol.
Give me the strength to keep fighting this fight. To actually stick to the medical plan and do the things i'm supposed to. Hubbs and i have been good about taking Gibbs for a walk every day. We're doing a mile now, and hope to up it every week or so. Hopefully we can stick to it even when it's snowing here (which should be in the next few weeks or so)
Help me to not cringe when i'm at work and see a bajillion pregnant women waddling around the store. Remember, they're not rubbing their giant bellies in your face on purpose, they can't help it.
Take a deep breath. Get your $hit together. You can do this.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

This Makes me an Angry Panda

Articles like this one are terrible. Like wtf, some fertile gets all pissed off and sobs because she's having a BOY instead of the girl she always wanted. Go to hell lady. You should be thanking your lucky stars that you even get to have a baby at all. Some of us are not that lucky. So how about you get off your high horse and shut your stupid face. I like how she talks about that this was her first child, implying she's had a brood since then, further rubbing it in the face of IF couples everywhere. What an inconsiderate and terrible person.
I am so mad, so mad in fact i want to write some sort of letter to the editor and vent my rage and frustration more. grrrrrrrrrrrr.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Gibbs

Gibbs is my new service dog. He is the most adorable, friendliest, and best dog ever. Here's a pic of the new light of my life.

He spent most of the day yesterday in the car with me. He was great. I even took him with me when i went to get drug screened for one of my two shiny new jobs. So precious.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

j/k 4 Hours!!

In a little under 2 hours, Hubbs and i are driving up to meet our new dog!! We are so incredibly ridiculously excited. This decision is a year in the making and time can't go by quickly enough! I can't wait! I've got his first vet's appointment set up for monday and we're gonna enroll him in a training class as well.
After nesting in the apartment and getting everything ready for him. We even had to semi-baby proof everything. lol. Stupid little plug covers for all of the electric sockets, blocking off under the bed, making sure there are no tempting, tasty looking electrical cords freely hanging anywhere.
Today is also Hubbs' birthday! Hurray! after picking up the dog and bringing him home, we have the rest of the day free until 6:30. Then we're gonna do cake and ice cream with all of our nieces and nephews, and Hubbs' sisters and their husbands. I'm glad that he liked the presents i got him. lol. I was slightly worried he wouldn't.
We went out to dinner last night to celebrate and i could hardly eat anything! I was totally bummed. I took home all of the leftovers, which was a lot. An entire sauteed mushroom topped 11oz sirloin, and a half rack of crazy good ribs. All i ate at the restaurant was a dinner roll, a few fried pickles , a caesar salad, and maybe the equivalent of one rib. Strangely enough though i was super full and just felt like taking everything home.
I'm going to try very hard today to shower Hubbs with all of the love and affection that he deserves. He seriously has been so amazing with everything that's going on. Luckily i now have my 2 new part-time jobs and the new doggie to keep me distracted now, so hopefully he'll feel a little less stressed about trying to keep me sane during all of this. It sounds so incredibly cheesy, but i really do love that man more every single day. He finds some little way to show me how much i mean to him. I am trying my very best to be even half of the partner he is to me. He has set the bar crazy high. <3

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

38 Hours.

Awesome things are going to happen in about 38 hours. I can't wait!!! eeeeek! so excited!! I have a job interview tomorrow and i'm kind of looking forward to that. But nothing, nothing compares to the excitement i'm feeling about friday. I'm supposed to be getting my service dog on friday, and it is going to be epic. All of the paperwork is filled out and ready to go! SO PSYCHED! I literally can't wait.
I've done the whole nesting thing that people normally do with babies. I've gotten everything read and set for when the little guy comes home. Kennel, cushy kennel bed, potty patch on our porch, training bells for the porch door, food bowl, toys, leash, collar, id tag, and snausage treats. I'm waiting to buy his food for when the shelter tells me what he's been eating so i can adjust his diet.
I've set up his first vet's appointment to check him out and make sure everything is hunky-dory. Maybe i'm putting all of my eggs in one basket, i know there's a teeny tiny possibility that i won't get him. But i plan on arriving an hour early and hovering around like a creeper so i can be the first one there. I am just so darn excited. Seriously, wish me luck.
I did some ovulation testing today and there was no hint of a second pink line. According to my calendar, i'm not supposed to ovulate till next week, but i dunno, i'm feeling very negative about the whole baby thing at the moment. I'm totally ready and excited to instead focus my energy on training my new dog. And by new, i mean old, cause he's a 4-ish year old, so he's not really new, but he's new to me!
Doggie doggie doggie!
It's looking like Hubbs has the flu. He woke up with a 101.6 degree fever. It went down to 99.6 this evening, and i'll check it again tomorrow morning. It was kinda fun playing nurse and getting him chicken soup and pitchers of water. I made him toast and other shenanigans. I also annoyed him by telling him to check his temperature every 2 hours. But i'm glad he's feeling a teeny bit better.
Hubb's birthday is saturday. We have plans but it seems like we'll have to wait and see if he feels better to do them. The whole family is supposed to come over for cake and ice cream, but we may need to postpone it until he's better. Wouldn't want to get all of our nieces and nephews sick. I'm debating about baking the cake at home or buying it from the store. I'll wait till friday to figure it out cause if it's just the two of us, eff it, i'll just buy one of those giant cupcakes they make at grocery stores.
I've been super tired today so i'm just gonna be lame and go to bed before 10pm. Gotta look nice and rested for that interview tomorrow.
Wish me luck with my upcoming endeavors. Here's to hoping they go well.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I WON!

Yes! after a brutal, stressful, taxing battle, i have won the fight with my apartment complex. They have granted me my service dog without the stupid pet addendum and without a stupid deposit. (which were both illegal by the way) i won i won i won! This makes me very happy. It seemed like everything had been going wrong for me lately, and this tiny little glimmer of victory has certainly perked up my spirits.
I even got a job today too to sweeten the pot! It's only part time, but it's better than nothing and i am so looking forward to starting tomorrow.
Hubbs and i are incredibly excited for our dog! I have the application in for him and it's possible we'll be getting him as early as this weekend! Best day ever.
I can only imagine if i feel this good with my small victory, how great it will feel when we finally overcome this IF obstacle. I bet it will feel 9000 times better.
HAPPY DAY!!!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Forget Babies.

eff it. i'm tired of peeing in a little plastic cup every morning. i'm sick of waiting to find out if i'm ever actually gonna get my LH surge or whatever. I'm down to like, 6 of those stupid little sticks. and really don't want to pee on any more.
Maybe my apartment complex will stop being stupid and let me get my service dog. Hubbs is super excited. I've shown him a picture of the one we're getting. We're picking out names and everything. lol. I'll just settle for having my doggie and fawning over my nieces and nephews. Including the new little 10-week peanut or however big it is that's on the way. We'll turn into one of those couples who don't have kids and spoil their pets rotten.
In the long run it'll save us a lot of money. Perhaps that is for the best. It's looking like i'd have to go on clomid anyway. Stupid eggs, why don't you want to pop off your stupid follicles or however it works?
I don't know how people do this for years and years. I just want to give up. Giving up sounds good. Kids are overrated anyway. They cry all of the time, and when they're not crying they're pooping. I've only been at this for like, 2 months.
Oh, and to top everything off, i tried to apply for unemployment benefits today and apparently someone has stolen my identity and is using to work in another state. Good times. I can't fix any of it until tomorrow. Dislike. Strongly dislike. Just one more obnoxious thing to add to the stress pile. No job, no money, no babies, no service dog, no anything to take my mind off of the stress and that horrible feeling of failure. I am thankful for Hubbs however. He made me laugh my ass off for like, 20 mins straight last night. His support has been incredible. I kinda feel guilty though that he has to keep trying so hard to help me de-stress. He has a job interview tomorrow. If he gets this job, i'll just be by myself in the apartment for most of the day, left alone to my thoughts and stress. This is why my service dog is so immediately necessary. Really hoping i hear back from those universities and government agencies soon.
Everyone has trials. that's what everyone keeps telling me. When it's right, it'll happen and blah blah. EFF YOU! how about it's the right time for me to punch you in your stupid face? ok, now i feel a little bit better. lol.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Service Dog Discrimination

So i've been prescribed a service dog for everything that's going on. My apartment complex is trying to force me to pay an additional security deposit and impose restrictions as to what size sog i will be allowed and where in the complex the dog will be prohibited. They were unwilling to budge on this issue. I have done an obnoxious amount of legal research into the matter and have found several sections in our State Code as well as a court case which distinctly opposes this. I have 5 e-mails and one voicemail into the State Attorney General, the State Anti-discrimination and Labor Commission, both colleges that this apartment complex service's Disability Accessibility and Off-Campus Housing Departments, and HUD. I am so interested to see what they have to say on the matter. Then i can bring in printed copies of the e-mail responses and be like BAM! IN YOUR FACE!! and then if they still refuse, i shall be filing complaints with both the HUD (US Department of Housing and Urban Develpment) and the ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act - part of the US Justice Department).
This whole situation has caused me such stress and emotional turmoil. All i want to do is get my service dog and start living my life feeling like a normal person. I've been so worried and stressed about everything that i feel like i want to cry all of the time and i'm having a hard time eating anything because i constantly feel like vomiting.
I know no one reads this blog... but i can't help but feel like putting my frustrations out into the universe somehow makes it like someone hears me. Like it'll somehow make it all work out. I hope i get an answer regarding the dog soon. I've put in all of the paperwork and he'll be ready for me to pick up by the end of next week. Wish me luck universe. Pretty pretty please let this all work out in my favor. I don't think i could handle it if my apartment complex refuses to allowe me to get my service dog.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

No Pink Lines?!

Darnit. Did i miss my awesome ovulation time? there was only a control line today, no faint little pink lines anywhere. Not only does my stomach feel like it is constantly digesting itself, but now i have no ovulation lines? whyyyy? i really don't wanna have to go back to the doctor and feel all down about myself cause my stupid eggs won't jump off their follicles or whatever. Super lame.

Doctor has adjusted my metformin dose, cause i feel crazy sick all the time. I'm supposed to take half for a few weeks, and then get up to one pill, then one and a half, then 2 a day. Oh boy. One thing i don't understand, is how the heck are you supposed to get those suckers halved? there's no divider line thing. Am i supposed to just bite it off?

Good news though is that i'm down to 2 pills a day in general. which is nice. Only have 2 weeks left of my vitamin D treatment cycle. I've been trying hard to exercise and eat right. I'm definitely not doing all that well with it. There's been a lot of stress lately, trying to figure out where to move, whether or not to even try to have a baby right now, etc. A lot of stress.

Today is my brother-in-law's birthday, so there will be cake later tonight. I don't care that it is bad for me. I'm in a crappy mood and cake is just the pick-me-up that i require.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Hungry Hungry Panda.

I don't know if it's the metformin that is turning me into a hungry hungry panda, but seriously, i have to eat something at least every 2 hours or else i feel incredibly nauseated and like i'm gonna puke my brains out. What is up with that?

Today there was a slightly darker pink line. Although, i know not to get all excited until the pink lines are of equal darkness, but i'm still looking forward to it. Because if i get a positive on this ovulation thing, that means i don't have to take clomid! which seriously, would be super awesome.

So there's about a 90% chance that Hubbs and i are moving. Now the decision is whether or not to move in with my parents or his. There are pros and cons to both, but i think we're leaning towards his parents place. Cause there's the chance that down the line, they'll sell it to us, which would be totally awesome. I don't really feel that comfortable with his family, just like he doesn't feel all that comfortable with mine. Probably cause everything is still pretty new to us, but oh well. Either place we move, i can still start school. The job market is supposedly way better where his parents live, so that would be nice as well. Hopefully the couple we showed our apartment to today want it. Moving will solve a majority of our problems. It had always been the plan to move back up to where his parents lived anyway, we're just moving up the timetable a bit. lol.

Wish us luck with these endeavors. the moving, and the babies, and the school and the jobs. I still have this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to work out just fine... hoping i'm right. =)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

More Pink Lines.

There was a faint pink line again today! oh what does it mean? does that mean there's an LH presence, but not enough to count as a "surge" yet? perhaps a trip down google lane is worth it in this case, maybe i'll do that after this. lol.

So a friend told me a story today about one of her friends. Apparently she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for a long while, and had several miscarriages. Now she's in her first trimester with twins and her husband has decided he no longer wants to be married to her and threw her out of the house. WOW. super depressing. Apparently though now she's all set up in a new apartment and is absolutely loving her life. Props to her. I probably would have been a sobbing, blithering mess marathoning Jane Austen adaptation movies and yelling at the screen.

Hubbs' sister announced her pregnancy to another IF couple last night while we were over for ice cream. (she's currently in week 8 and doing awesome btw) After they left she worried the IF wife was gonna go home and cry. Normally, when pregnancies are announced, that's my first reaction too... but when it's another IF announcing it, i can't help but feel happy and hopeful. I mean, if they can do it, so can i! Unlike when a fertile announces it and i just wanna curl in a puddle and cry.

I dunno. I'll just keep doing my testing and have lots of wild monkey sex around ovulation time and hope for the best. Wish us luck.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Faint Pink Line

So i started ovulation testing again, and today there was totally a faint pink line! i know that still makes it negative, but still, there was totally a second line! this is exciting to me. lol.

Nothing much has been going on here. Not much to report really. I still can't orgasm, despite being off the bad antidepressants. On week 6 of my Vitamin D treatment, still taking my metformin every day. Twice a day. One thing though, i still feel crazy hungry all the time. It feels like i'm straddling the obnoxiously thin line between starving and puking. good times?

Hubbs is still being awesome. I know how much he loves me cause he let me go see Final Destination 5 last night. lol. He hates horror movies, and horror movies are my weakness. I love them with a crazy passion. So off i went to my awesome movie whilst he continued marathoning the Office. He's been laughing his ass off to it, which makes me happy, cause if there's one thing i love, it's seeing him smile.

So i shall continue peeing in the cup and monitoring for ovulation. And then! i have an excuse to get my husband to do me like, 3 days in a row. lol. Totally looking forward to that. =)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Job Interview Day

I have a job interview today. I really hope i get it. Not just so i have something to distract me from playing the sims about 10 hours a day, but so we'll have enough money for me to get a doggie. I've gotten the note for the service dog from my doctor, and now we just need the money to pay for it.

If i don't get this job however, then we'll have to move back in with my parents and i'll get to start school again. That would be a lovely distraction.

I'm so hungry. super super hungry. I'm sitting here eating fruit salad for breakfast at 1:30 in the morning, so that's probably my fault. I've noticed my pants are a little bit looser though. I don't know if that's because i've been wearing them too much and they got all stretched out, or i'm actually losing weight. Maybe i should invest in a scale so i don't have to wonder. lol. I pretty much just feel like a fatty fatty tubster all the time these days. Knowing that my weight is contributing to all of the health problems i'm currently having doesn't help.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Feeling Sickly.

The last few days i've been rather nauseated and feeling really crampy and painful in the uterus region. I took a pregnancy test just to be sure and of course it was negative. I knew it would be, but for a split second, i couldn't help daydream about how awesome it would be if it were positive. Would i cry, would i start jumping for joy, would i rush all excitedly to tell Hubbs? Then i was slapped back into reality.

My cycles are getting longer. This last one was at a whole 40 days. 2 months ago i missed one entirely. I'm still doing the ovulation tester things, but i'm not really holding out much hope that we're gonna get a positive on those. I'm hoping that when the time is right, we'll just magically get pregnant and be all excited. But timing-wise, for the plans that we have for the near future, we really have to get pregnant within the next few months. Next fall i'm starting school again and am not looking forward to the idea of having to take a break to have a baby. So it's pretty much now, or 2 years from now when i'm nearly 30. If we don't get a positive on the ovulation tests this month, i'm gonna ask male doctor about Clomid. I might seem pushy about it or whatever, but to tweak a quote from When Harry Met Sally, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." and dammit, we want to be parents.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Peeing.

Man i feel like i have to pee a lot. I can barely make it through the night without feeling like my bladder is going to burst when i first wake up in the morning. WTF? i swear if i have another UTI i'm gonna hurt someone. lol. I had one a few months ago and did a round of antibiotics, then had one a couple of months later and they put me on cipro to kill the sucker. Really really don't wanna have one again, they are super annoying.

Not much to report over here. Still taking all of my pills every day. Have finally managed the art of swallowing the prenatals before they hit my tongue so i don't taste the grossness. Hubbs and i are still looking for new jobs. If we don't get a bite soon, we're just gonna have to sell our housing contract and move back in with my parents. SUPER LAME, but on the bright side, we would have zero stress about money and i would get to start school sooner than we'd planned. Which i think would be awesome. I'm so tired of waiting for the next phase of our lives to start. School would be a welcome distraction. I'm planning on going back to be a certified Veterinary Assistant and then after that program is over, i can go back for the Veterinary Technician. Essentially, it's the equivalent of being a nurse, but only for animals. It is gonna be epic.

Friday, September 16, 2011

The Sims.

So i decided to play the Sims 3, cause i love building all of the little houses and making everything awesome. I made a cute little sim me, and a cute little sim Hubbs. That evil wench got pregnant on the first try!! wtf universe!!?!! Although that's what i get for playing 3, versus the first sims, cause people don't get pregnant in that one, the babies just get delivered to your house by magic once you decide to have one. Ahh, the joys of computer games.

Anyways, today was day 3 of ovulation testing, and i finally managed not to spill pee all over myself. good job me! way to be awesome!

The last week i've had 2 nosebleeds. Now, i used to have them all the time when i was a kid living in Albuquerque, something about the high altitude and the air being very dry. Where we live now, we're really high up as well. But as an adult, and knowing that nosebleeds can also be caused by spikes in blood pressure, i'm kinda worried. I guess i can go back to the doctor and talk about it, but i'm pretty sure my BP shouldn't be spiking when i first wake up in the morning... right?

Also the last 2-3 days i've been getting those twinges of pain in the region of Righty and Lefty. Not quite sure what to think about that. I guess these are all things to bring up at my next appointment. Which probably won't be till next week cause i have to go back for a followup anyway. Kinda wish i could go back to the times before i saw my doctor more than any of my friends or family... oh well. The price i pay for wanting a little joy bundle.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Peeing in a cup...

So i'm used to peeing in cups at the doctor's office, and it's annoying, but whatever. This was the first time i've tried to pee in a cup at home. Let me tell you, i made a magical mess of everything. lol. It was not fun, but now since i have to do it every day now for the rest of the month... hopefully i'll get better at it.

I successfully did my first ovulation tester thing! wooo-hooo! it was negative, as suspected. lol. But i'm getting in the habit, and that is a good thing. I've stopped testing my BBT cause apparently i was doing it wrong. You have to take the temp at the same time every day to be accurate. Since i can never guarantee a time that i'll be awake and free to take a temp at the same time, i figure what's the point? I guess i could pick a random time, like 2pm, where's i'm guaranteed to be awake and probably not doing anything. ok, i'll start again today.

So i'm on antidepressants. I don't know if i've mentioned that before. First i was on Zoloft, after about a month, i noticed that i couldn't orgasm anymore, apparently it's a rare side effect. I could get turned on plenty, but there was no big finish. I talked to my doctor and he had me switch to Citalopram. Hopefully that will return me to my regular orgasmy self. Even though i don't finish all of the time, i finish every once in a while. lol. I don't know if that was TMI, but considering what this blog is about, i'm fairly certain it's all TMI. lol.

I really want to get pregnant. It's funny, when i was younger, i never wanted kids. Granted, i never even thought i would get married. Lol. I was convinced that i would be the last of my friends to get married, i wound up being the first. After college, i kind of started thinking that the whole marriage and family thing would be nice. Now that i am happily married, i want kids so badly. Knowing that it's going to be difficult for us makes me want them even more. To prove to science and myself that it's possible and all that. For now though, knowing how difficult the journey to parenthood is going to be, i am settling for the idea of a dog. Seriously, having a pet has so many health benefits including reducing stress and blood pressure, emotional stability, etc. I had a service dog back in college and know that i could benefit from having that again. I mean i have Hubbs, but there are some things that he shouldn't have to do for me, and i can't have him around me constantly to support me. Gosh i sound pathetic. lol.

Oh well, today is a new day.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cinnamon Rolls

So i baked some cinnamon rolls today. It's been a long time since i've home-baked anything besides cookies. I forgot how great fresh-baked goodness makes the house smell. Baking used to calm me and help me relax, after i went to culinary school, i lost that love of it. It was nice to feel productive in the kitchen, even though i make dinner every night, baking is just something better. I feel like it is done with more love, if that makes any sense. lol.

I'm trying to be good about my carbs, i even substituted half of the regular flour with whole wheat flour. I'm still not doing to great at balancing the carbs and the protein, maybe that will just take more practice.

I still really want a dog. I have Hubbs convinced to let me get one, now it's just a matter of us both having jobs. I have another interview this week and hopefully this one goes well. Well, better than the last one anyway. Which apparently went great, but they had "too many qualified people" or whatever. Seems like a load of crap to me. Job hunting when going through treatment for IF is not the greatest feeling in the world. You already have all of these doubts about yourself and slightly hurty self esteem... and then getting rejected from jobs makes you feel even more depressed about yourself.

I shall try to be more optimistic though, let my shiny happy personality shine through all of the pain. Thankfully Hubbs is still being incredibly supportive and loving. I really have no idea what i would do without him. I so love that man.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Was That Really a Period?

So my period finally came, like, 3 days late and lasted for only 3 days. It was also super light, but heavy enough to make me think it's not that implantation bleeding thing everyone is always talking about. I guess i really shouldn't complain. Bah, anyways, in about 2 weeks i start doing the ovulation testers to check to see if/when i'm ovulating.

Prenatal vitamins still taste like ass, although i've figured out if i pour one into the cap, i never have to touch it and get stink-fingers. Also, i sip some beverage before popping that sucker in my mouth and try to swallow it before it hits my tongue. Surely drug companies could come up with a way to make them not taste flipping terrible! We need to invent this, who's with me?

Hubbs has been so incredibly sweet lately. I love the little things he's doing to show how much he loves and supports me during all of this. Especially when i turn into a raging bitch-monster for no apparent reason. He's always sure to tell me how much he loves me no matter what happens and that he'll be there for me 100% during all of this. Even if that means jizzing in a cup. lol. That is totally true love right there. He really has been so amazingly sweet and i am incredibly thankful to have such a wonderful husband.

Hubbs' other sister is now worried she might have PCOS as well, she's gonna run the full gambit of tests next week, so keep your fingers crossed for her. I'm hoping she's not gonna have to go through all of this crap with the rest of us. She and i are also gonna start working out together, which i'm really looking forward to. I couldn't see Hubbs doing fat-burn pilates with me. lol. That and our living room is way too small for 2 of us to try working out at the same time anyway.

I'm trying very hard to keep up a positive frame of mind. It's hard though, reading all of the things about insulin resistance diets and how some say to always combine carbs with a protein, and others get all specific and say you can have a maximum of 30g of carbs in combination with at least 14g of protein every 2 hours. When trying to make my cereal yesterday that equated to 1/2cup of raisin bran and 1/2cup of milk. Needless to say after that i was still obnoxiously hungry. It's also hard to think that fruit is bad now cause of all of the sugar. Um, it's fruit, wtf? At least i've been better about eating my veggies and if i have a sammich i make it with whole wheat bread and slap more veggies on it than cheese and turkey. But still, it's definitely really hard to switch to and i am trying, so i suppose that's a start.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Prenatal Vitamin Candy?

Has anyone else ever had the urge to coat their prenatal vitamins in chocolate before trying to get those suckers down? First of all, they are obnoxiously huge and look like they are meant for horses to take. Secondly, they have this horrible fishy taste/smell that even gets all over your hands when you touch them. I believe the solution to this is to douse them in a lovely chocolate coating... i think this could be a thing. lol.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Sleepy

Man have i been tired the last 2 days... I woke up today around 11 then around 2 took a nap and stayed in bed till 5:30-ish. Now it's only 8:30 and i am still obnoxiously tired. For serious. On the bright side though, we went to cold stone and i had some sinless sweet cream ice cream with black cherries. It was yummy and delicious. I'm sure it probably has a lot of carbs and bad things even though it's fat free and no sugar added. But a lot less bad for me than the No Fair Funnel Cake sundae i wanted to get. lol. I can go to sleep at 8:30 and you guys won't judge me, right? yea... perfectly acceptable...

PCOS Chat

We had Hubb's sister and her husband over for dinner last night, a dinner of delicious ham.

Anyways, so she and i had a chance to talk about our PCOS. She had the whole low estrogen level thing, whilst i have the insulin resistance part. She mentioned the different drugs she used to get pregnant the first time, and what they worked on this time to get pregnant again. Apparently she's only 6 weeks along, but it is still totally great to see another IF get pregnant. She's had to do the whole ovulation tracker thing too, cause i guess she doesn't really have a cycle due to the low estrogen. They had her on birth control and then they stopped it to get her ovulating or something.

All i have to do is take my medicine, start tracking the ovulation thing, and hopefully get a positive on those so i don't have to go on clomid. Hubbs' other sister is also trying to get pregnant this month, we always joke about how awesome it would be if all 3 of us were pregnant at the same time, and it could be a very real possibility.

One thing that annoys me about the ovulation tester things is they give you a months supply, which is 20 tests... seeing as how my cycle is almost double that, yea.... i'm rather unlucky. Lady doctor said i can probably expect to ovulate around day 22, so i figure i'll start testing around day 18 to be safe.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Fatty Fatty Tubbster.

Fatty Fatty Tubbster is what i call my parent's dog, cause she's a big fatty. lol. I'm now officially a big fatty too. I mean once the periods started i started getting fat, and then fatter, now i'm at the fatty stage. Trying to laugh about it, cause i hear fat people are supposed to be jolly.

Anyways, the lab results did come back luckily, all of my other hormone levels are normal, my blood sugar level is perfect, and my cervix is gorgeous and normal, but i do have the dreaded insulin resistance =(

Today is they day i start metformin and say goodbye to my delicious white bread, white rice, potatoes, corn, all of the yummy things. Switching to whole grain/whole wheat stuff and saying goodbye to my longtime love of fizzy and/or sweet drinks and my obsession with ice cream.

This makes me a sad panda. Pretty much all of the food in our house i can't eat now. Lucky me though, we do have a ham. That ham is all mine. MINE I SAY! what the heck are we going to do with the 5lb tub of cookie dough and giant package of 80 flour tortillas we bought at costco last night?

I know that this is all for the best. I know that taking these new drugs, changing my diet, and exercising is going to make me healthier and help get me pregnant. I shall try not to think of it as me giving up things that i love, but changing my life so i can have something i'll love even more.

We seriously have so much food that is forbidden now. i'm afraid to go into the kitchen to look for something for breakfast. It will all be a bunch of no, no, no. It'll be like going through it saying, eff you, eff you, you're cool, eff you... le sigh.

PCOS Abounds

So i think i've mentioned before that my brother's wife has PCOS and has been having crazy trouble getting pregnant.

Apparently, Hubbs' sister also has PCOS. She has a kid already who turned 2 last week. Apparently she's pregnant again! Hurray for having a new niece/nephew on the way. Something about finding out that another IF is pregnant makes you all happy and giddy and wonder and the magical world of possibilities instead of the horrifying land of IF. However when "fertiles" (as i'm discovering in the IF community are people who just pop out kids like it's their job with no help from science are called) announce their pregnancy you feel like the universe it taunting you and laughing in your face.

Still waiting for test results... it's been a week, so i'll just call the doctor's office and annoy them until they give me the results. seriously, they hardly ever call, i have to like, phone stalk them to find out. super annoying. But i like them, and at this point i'm too lazy to switch doctors, i've been at that clinic for a year now. All the nurses/assistants know me and like me and i like everyone there.

Here's to hoping it's good news and that's why they haven't called.... yea... i'm sure the universe will be that nice to me. lol.

Oh, funny thing, so last night i had a dream where i was trying to take a pregnancy test, but i accidentally peed on an ovulation tester thing instead. I was so mad. Then the ovulation test results were all weird and horribly confusing. It involved different colored lasers going through a maze on the paper. Then you had to mail it off to a lab for the results. The whole time i was trying to decipher the results i was really just sad/mad because i wouldn't have enough pee for the pregnancy test and would have to wait for tomorrow morning. Nice to know i can't even get away from IF land even in my dreams. :/

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Back Home

We had a pleasant long weekend in Vegas. It was great being around the doggies. Nothing cheers me up quite like my adorable 4-year old pekingese curling up and taking a nap on my tummy.

Anyway. I'm still waiting for my blood test results and pap smear results. Why the heck to they call it a pap smear, does anything sound so gross? It really is just painful cervix stabbing. that's what they should call it.

I'm feeling a lot less worried and stressed about everything. Worrying about whether or not i'm getting this new job is a fine distraction.

Period should be starting tomorrow or the next few days, looking forward to peeing on those stupid ovulation test things despite the fact that PCOS can interfere with the results. grrrrr.

So i put that little fishy gaget/widget whatever thing at the top of this blog. I have a terrible fish fear. But there's something so calming about watching the fish chase after my cursor and nibbling the fish noms. I find it soothing, maybe you will too.

I'll keep you all posted on the test results and everything and what horrible drug cocktails i'll have to take to fix any problems they find.