Sabotage

I've been sabotaging my weight loss all month.  I'm not sure what's wrong with me.  The food I'm cheating with isn't even good, I just shovel it in my face and regret it afterwards. 

I talked to my therapist about it yesterday.  I think part of me is afraid to lose the weight. I've been fat for so long, it's just been easier that way.

This morning I resisted the temptation of bad foods. I think I'll just start telling myself that I don't need that.  I might want it,  but I don't need it.  If I don't start today,  I'll look back weeks,  months from now and wish I'd started today. I'm going to take it one day, one meal,  one snack at a time.  Be good,  eat the things that fit in to my macros and if I slip up,  don't throw the rest of the day away,  just start again at the next meal/snack. I have control. I need to make the conscious decision to choose better foods.

35 more lbs to my first goal, which is a lot less than the 50 lbs it was just last month. I can do this.

Cheating

I made the mistake of getting popcorn at the movies today.  Hubbs was all "oh,  it won't be that bad,  just get a small and don't eat any other carbs for the day". While I was shoveling it in my face in the darkness of the theater, it was ok,  not good, not bad, just there.  Afterwards though, in the light of day,  I felt so incredibly nauseated.  I didn't even have room for dinner,  I just felt so gross. 
Lesson learned.  Do not cheat wirth carbs.

I also hadn't weighed myself since Wednesday because I was being naughty and weighing myself every day after the week 2 miserable 1lb loss... I was stupid and decided to weigh myself tonight.  Ugh.  Bad idea. Definitely not going to count it though until the official weigh in on Monday. 

In brighter news,  I did start learning how to crochet today.  I have 3 little flowers and 4 pathetic,  uneven squares to show efforts. Flowers are definitely easier,  I suck at counting my stitches. It's just day one though,  so hoping to get better with time and practice. 

Crochet

I've decided I'm going to try to learn how to crochet.  I had a friend who taught me how to knit in high school, it's similar right?  That was many many years ago,  but I'm good at following directions.  I think one of those little starter books,  supplies, and YouTube videos will guide me just fine. 

I definitely spent to much time on Pinterest pinning adorable things I can learn to make.  Maybe I'll get super fancy down the road and learn to spin Thor's wool into yarn. Getting all ambitious up in here.

Cake Month and Keto

Well today starts my favorite month. It's birthday month (aka cake month), Halloween, the delightful crisp air with a hint of magic, the trees start to change color and everything just seems homey.
In a span of 5 weeks, our combined families have 6 birthdays, hence calling it cake month. This year will be tricky though, because Hubbs and I are so very low carb now. We're thinking about cheating with some low-carb cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory, but we'll see if it pans out. We'll forego trick-or-treating and handing out candy because the temptation will be pretty great. I think I'll still like this month though.

It's only been 2.5 weeks since we've started the low-carb, high-fat revolution in our house, and I have to say I've been impressed so far. It's really not that hard to hit the daily macros and I definitely don't feel hungry all the time. The scale shows numbers that aren't terrifying. I was at my heaviest probably right before I got pregnant with Ducky, and as of today, I am 30lbs down from that. Over around 13 of which has come off in the last 2.5 weeks. It's still going to be a while before I hit that 50lb goal, but 37 lbs seems more doable than 50 lbs. Maybe after all of these years I just needed to find the proper motivation to lose the weight. Babies are great motivators.

In other news, this month I find out if I got in to the college I applied to for the winter semester. (fingers crossed), and Hubbs has many new job possibilities on the horizon. He's testing for two different jobs next week that will definitely be a big step up for him, so I am nervous and excited, but I'm sure he will do well. The man got a 1560 on his SATs, I'm sure these tests are a cake-walk compared to that.

This month may also be a little difficult. It's almost 5 months since Lumpy passed away and almost a year since I got pregnant with him. I'm doing better with therapy and learning to express my feelings and learning to accept that emotions are ok. Sometimes, when you're hurt for a long time, you build up a huge wall to stop the bad feelings from coming in, but that wall also stops the healing feelings from coming out. I've been shielding myself from pain for so long that it's hard to allow myself to feel it and show that vulnerability, but I'm trying. I'm practicing actually letting the tears come instead of stopping them in their tracks.