Bored and Blue

One of my college buddies and I caught up two weekends ago with a G+ Hangout. It was nice to see each other and chat a bit about the new developments in our lives. Her long-distance boyfriend is moving to her city over the summer and she is super excited. We got talking about some of our other friends who live with their significant others but aren't married. She and her man didn't want to do that because sometimes it can feel like you're trapped in a long-term roommate thing and neither of you can really get out.

For a while now, I've realized that's how I've been feeling with Hubbs. I really do just feel like he's my roommate, and I wonder where that spark has gone. Even when we have sex, it feels like I'm just going through the motions. The spark is there sporadically, but I don't know... sometimes I find myself doubting that he loves me. He certainly sucks at showing it. I hate seeing all of my female friends' posts on facebook about how their significant other did such and such, or surprised them with this or that. It's just small little things, but it's the little things that show that you care. Hubbs never really learned how to do those things, and I don't really know how to teach him. Maybe we both suck at it because neither of us had been in love before we fell for each other.

I've told him it would be nice if he would do little things to show me he loves me. He'll ask me "like what?" and I'll just tell him to google it. I'm clearly just as much of a failure. I've told him how I miss that when we together in the beginning, up until a year or so into our marriage, whenever we'd go out to somewhere really crowded, he'd reach back and grab my hand like he was afraid of losing me in the crowd. He doesn't do that anymore.

I kind of wonder if all of these feelings of boredom and disappointment are stemming from my depression. Maybe it's back. Maybe my symptoms are rearing their ugly head again. I definitely won't be going back on the same medication, because not being able to orgasm wasn't fun for anyone. I just don't want to feel like I'm going through the motions of life anymore. Maybe once I fix things with me, things with Hubbs will just be better because my perception of our relationship will change.

I don't know, I'm starting to just feel hollow, and when I say the words "I love you" they just feel empty, like I've forgotten what they mean. The same way I've been telling my parents I love them simply out of obligation and not because I feel it.  

He always jokes that I'm going to leave him. I don't know if that's some sort of subconscious desire of his that I will, or if it's more a manifestation of him feeling like a bad husband. Of course I don't want to bring it up, because then he'll just feel worse about himself. Any time I feel down a little bit, he always assumes it's his fault. I think it's just because I'm broken, in more ways than one. Maybe I'm not dealing as well as I thought I was with my past. Maybe it's time to seek professional help, and actually stick with it this time. I'll have health insurance in 2 months... the question is, do I wait until then or try to go now? There is a clinic here that works on a sliding scale, maybe I'll try to go there.

I just need to get out of whatever funk I'm in. Sometimes these feelings are fleeting, they're just with me for a few weeks or months and then the clouds part. Other times, I withdraw from the world completely and let my life fall by the wayside until I scrounge up the courage to ask for help.

Maybe I just need to adjust to the new schedule. Hubbs works, I work, we don't have that much time to spend together. When we do see each other, we're tired from our work week. I have a 4-day weekend this weekend. I'll try to take that time to reset. I'll clean our apartment, maybe rearrange some furniture... that always puts me in a better mood.

I think I'll plan a secret date for this weekend. Something to spice it up a bit and surprise Hubbs. There's a restaurant he's been talking about going to for a while, perhaps we'll even get dressed up.

I don't know, what do you do to break the monotony of your life? How do you show your lover that you love them? What do you do when you find yourself in a rut? Any and all advice very welcome here. 

Babies in the Inbox

I was at work last week, and everything was going great, as it does, because I still seriously LOVE my new job. There was a little notification that popped up telling me I had a new e-mail. Naturally, I thought it would be something important, so I click. BAM! BABY IN MY FACE! A new mom fresh off maternity leave wanted to share with everyone her little bundle of joy's face and brag about how he's the reason she's only part time now.

That's cool, I mean I get that you want to share with everyone because you're proud or whatever, but I don't even know you, I don't want to see your kid in my inbox.

A few days later, another staff-wide e-mail popped up. Of course, I click, because it might be something relevant to me. BAM! UTERUS IN MY FACE. Yes, someone (who doesn't even work in our particular office anymore), sends an ultrasound picture announcing that their existing kid is going to have a sibling. Greaaaaaaaaaat. Not even ten minutes later, ANOTHER effing employee decides to flash her uterus all over our inboxes too. "Oh, so and so is going to be a big sibling, yay, and look at you, all infertile with nothing ever in your uterus but disappointed hopes" (I'm paraphrasing of course.)

At lunch, I talked it over with a few other people that I'm close with, and they agreed, "I don't want to see that crap in my inbox. I don't need to know" It definitely made me feel very uncomfortable and knowing that others weren't a fan either, I decided to talk to HR.

I didn't realize how much it affected me until I was trying to explain it to my HR rep and I started crying. Wow me, really? Why you gotta play me like that? I totally had it together and hadn't cried about my IF in a long while. I guess it's just that those little painful reminders cut a little deeper than I thought. I told her how I understood that people were excited and wanted to share their news, but that some people aren't comfortable with seeing it at work. For some people it is a painful subject and being blindsided by it, makes for an uncomfortable workplace.

They're going to see what they can do, if anything. I appreciate the gesture. Perhaps now if I see an e-mail has been sent to everyone, I'll take a moment and stare at the subject line and make sure it is something that actually applies to me before I click all willy-nilly.

I get that people get excited about things and want to shout it from the rooftops. Stop and think though, "Hrmmm, I'm at work, maybe I shouldn't share my personal life with complete strangers who happen to work in the same building as me." Put a birth announcement up in your cube or something and the people who are actually friends with you will eventually see it. Invite your close work friends to a baby shower or something with a tactful hand-delivered invitation. Work is work, and home is home. The only people who NEED to know you are pregnant are you, and your supervisor so they can work out your maternity leave. I, personally, do not give a f*ck, and I'm willing to bet that the majority of your co-workers don't either, but are too nice to say anything about it. Leave your ability to reproduce out of my inbox.

Aunt Again

Apparently, there is going to be a new tiny human in the world that will grow up to call me "Aunt". This new addition will bring my niece/nephew total to 8.

Normally, this would be exciting... but the situation in which this tiny human will be born into, is not that spectacular. My brother in-law and his wife married very young, both under 20. They eloped to Vegas in the midst of planning a real wedding. Within the first year, she was pregnant. He joined the Marines and he was gone for basic training for most of the pregnancy, and was deployed shortly after my nephew was born.

She decided it would be a great idea to join the Air Force Reserves... we all thought, who the hell is gonna take care of their baby whilst they are both gone?! The answer to that was "grandpa". My little nephew, just under a year old, was shuttled off to grandma and grandpa's and was raised by them for the duration of basic training. It was evident that my nephew had very little structure in his raising and as a result, developed quite a set of screaming lungs. Eventually she finished and mother and son were reunited. Dad was still in Afghanistan.

When my brother in-law finished his tour, everything seemed ok. He was doing alright re-adjusting to life in the states. Then one of his buddies committed suicide. From there, my brother in-law kind of spiraled out of control. He started having flashbacks and developed nervous ticks. He's suffering from PTSD and while he is now getting treatment, it's looking like the ticks are going to be with him for the rest of his life. He was just discharged from the Marines.

Sometimes, he can't control his emotions and has to take extreme measures to stop himself from taking it out on his son, or his wife. Now here she is, pregnant yet again. What kind of family life is this new little addition coming in to? Should they have taken precautions against it. Birth control for the win. I just don't know. I fear for my new niece/nephew, heck, I fear for the kid they already have, but what can I do? They live 2,000 miles away and I can't help, I can't offer to babysit or help around the house. I can't make my brother in-law magically better.

I made a joke to Hubbs about how we really need to think about this new baby, because when DCFS eventually gets called, it's gonna be down to the two childless married couples to foster the kids. Luckily, Hubbs' sister lives much closer to them and is far more wealthy, so she's the obvious choice. If it came down to it though, it would have to be us. I was mostly joking... but I think it is an actual possibility.

I'm not saying they're terrible parents, because they're not, and they try the best they can. They are young and financially unstable, and at the moment, emotionally unstable as well. I just wish I knew what to do to help them. Any suggestions?

** UPDATE**
She wound up miscarrying very early on, or only thought she was pregnant but wasn't. One of the two. Either way, even though it's horrible to say, it's definitely a good thing it turned out to be a false alarm. 

Mother's Day

Today is a bitter day for me, for multiple reasons. When I was young, heck, even well into my teen years, my mother was absolutely horrible to me. She constantly verbally abused me and made me feel terrible about myself. Today was a day where I had to pretend to love her and put on a happy face for the rest of the family and I hated every second of it. I felt myself growing more bitter and resentful every year. Perhaps, I haven't let go of some of that anger, because I still hate today.

Mother's Day also means something else to me now. It's a day that reminds me of unattainable dreams and broken wishes. When I was young, I never wanted to be a mother, even in college, I swore to myself that I never would be. Maybe young me was right about something. When I met Hubbs and we later got married, I saw the reasons why people wanted to have kids. I wondered what they would look like, or what little personality traits of ours they'd pick up.

After about six months of marriage we started trying, and six months after that we found out about my IF. We tried some things and failed, tried again, and again. For a long time I had given up hope and I was so incredibly sad. The sight of babies made my cry, and then one sister in-law announced that she was pregnant. After a few months, another sister in-law was pregnant. Everywhere I looked there were pregnant women waddling over here and over there and I really couldn't handle it. I'd say about 70% of the women I knew who were pregnant weren't even trying, it just happened magically all on its own. I was a wreck.

We looked in to adoption and were so hopeful. We'd chosen an agency and went to our orientation meeting, where once again our hopes and dreams were dashed to pieces. This wasn't going to work for us. It felt so much like "buying" a kid. Not to mention, they only had newborns, and we were more interested in say, a 2 or 3 year old, a fact we didn't manage to uncover in our months of research and waiting for this orientation. With all of these road blocks, a part of me slowly started to realize that maybe, parenthood just wasn't in the cards. 

Then something amazing happened, I went through the stages of grief. At first, yes, I was definitely in denial, I was like, "no, everything's fine, we're totally gonna make a tiny human!"

Anger set in. I'd see a pregnant woman and just hate her. Someone would ask us when we were going to start having kids and I wanted to yell in their face that "we're trying but can't because I'm broken and thank you SOOOOO much for reminding me when I'd managed to forget about it for ten seconds."

During bargaining, I'd make all sorts of promises to myself. "I'll lose weight! I'll be a better wife. Just give me the opportunity to prove what a great mother I'll be!"

Depression... when all hope had failed me. The sight of babies and their little chubby faces made me cry. There was one morning where Hubbs had gotten pretty fed up with me, and told me to just get over it. I lost it and spent the rest of the morning in bed in the fetal position, racking with sobs. It kind of helped in a way though, I felt like I'd cried all of the tears I could ever cry about it, and maybe would never cry about it again.

Finally, acceptance. I cannot tell you how great it feels to be in this stage. Sure occasionally, I'm reminded of the pain I felt at first, especially on days like today. Now though, I'm happy I don't have kids. Hubbs and I have talked about kids over the last few months, and after everything that we've been through, we've decided to remain childless. It is a wonderful, freeing feeling. We're planning our early retirement and envisioning all of the wonderful places we will see and the things we will do.

Maybe now, I can try to learn to see Mother's Day, not as a painful reminder of the past, but as my Emancipation Day. The day I freed myself from the great weight of motherhood, and just celebrate me and the awesome person that I have become in spite of the struggles it took to get me here.
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I guess I will end this with saying Happy Mother's Day to my Birth Mother, for giving me up, and even though I've been through a lot, and my life wasn't always the best, I turned out OK, and I think you made the right choice. Happy Mother's Day to those who open their homes and hearts to a child and give them love and raise them well. Happy Mother's Day to those to sacrifice their own chance at motherhood to give that chance to others. Happy Mother's Day to the women who guide, advise, cherish you in their hearts, and take on the epic task of mothering, it certainly not easy and you deserve praise as well, even if you may not be legally or biologically a mother, you're a mother in the hearts of those who love you. Thanks to all of you and the great job that you do.

Memories

I came across this article today, basically mentioning how Abercombie doesn't want fat people wearing their clothes. I remember the day I discovered that I was too fat for Abercrombie, I was still in high school and didn't think I was all that fat. Then there came a day where American Eagle, H&M, and even Gap joined that list. I exclusively shopped for pants at Old Navy. Now only Old Navy's maternity line's pants fit me and of course Lane Bryant, but I can't spend $60 on a single pair of jeans anymore, I'm way too poor for that. lol. 

A gem from the article is the following: “Candidly, we go after the cool kids. We go after the attractive all-American kid with a great attitude and a lot of friends. A lot of people don’t belong [in our clothes], and they can’t belong. Are we exclusionary? Absolutely."
I have a great attitude, lots of friends, am pretty dang cool, and guess what, the definition of "All-American" is rapidly widening to mean plus-sized. The "obesity epidemic", bringing inclusion for the win!


I'm trying to think of a time when fat didn't affect me. I look back and see pictures from when I was around 7 or 8 and that's when I was still a thin kid. Shortly after that was when everything started going down hill. I do think I looked my best the summer of my sophomore year. There's a picture of myself somewhere, I haven't been able to find it since the last time my parents moved, and I think "damn, I looked like a model" and no one told me.

These kinds of things are what motivate me now. I have that pair of jeans stuck in the back of my closet that I can't wait to fit into again. As my waistline shrinks and shrinks, I'm going to buy new clothes, hell, a whole new wardrobe at the end of my weight loss journey, and you know what? Abercrombie is not going to be on that list.

Former fatties of the world, take your business elsewhere, because that what I'm going to do.

What Ifs and Whens

I've been doing a lot of reflection lately. Wondering the different paths my life could have taken, I'm not sure it's a good thing.

What if I hadn't been too afraid to tell my friend that I'd developed feelings for him. (This was pretty much the story of my life until I got married, even he started out as "just a friend")

What if I hadn't gotten scared and let myself love earlier?

What if I'd kept dating that other guy, instead of breaking up with him because I feared commitment?

What if I didn't quit that job, or move there, or make that snap decision?

I find it weird that the things I regret most in my life are the things I didn't do rather than the things I did. I always over-analyzed everything. What if this, what if that? I guess I still do it now, but less, because now I don't have any big decisions. Maybe I've grown comfortable and complacent.

The one weighing on my mind now is... what if I wasn't fat?

There are changes that I know I need to make in my life. I need to get fit. I need to make the appropriate changes to make that happen. I can't be afraid any more or hide behind the fat. At this point, I hate the way I look so much that it's affecting my relationship with Hubbs. I feel myself pulling away from him because I don't understand how he can love me, when I don't think I love me.

I've seen pictures of myself recently, and I just see a blob. There was a day when I caught a reflection in a door and thought, man, who is that fat lady? Then I realized it was me. I'm not trying to be a downer here. I'm trying to get it all out there so I can be held accountable I guess. I know I've tried before, and I even succeeded for a little bit, but I've slipped back into bad habits.

I keep promising to take the dog for walks, or telling myself I'll go to the gym, but I never do. I get home from work and I have to immediately start cooking dinner or it will never get done in time for me to go to bed at decent hour and get up for work in the morning to start the cycle over again. I was thinking, I know it sounds a little crazy, even to me... what if I got up EARLY and went to the gym then? I could finish working out, shower, and then go to work. I think it just might work. I'm setting a goal for myself internet.

I'm planning on attending my college's homecoming this year. It starts in November, so that only gives me 6 months to get in better shape and overall feel better about myself. I want to be able to look at the pictures from that weekend and be able to not only see myself happy in them, but to be happy to see me in them as well.

What do you think? Think I can do it? I've made this promise before I am sure, but I'm making it again. I can't hit my next milestone birthday and still look like this. I won't live very long if I do, today is the day. Now is the time. I'm going to get dressed and take the dog for a nice walk. I think I've finally reached that tipping point where I am ready to change my life for the better. If I'm not going to make this change now, then when? I can't wait for when anymore, I'm going to start now.

Hope

Hope is a funny thing. For a while there, I hung on to a lot of my old stuffed animals from when I was a kid, because I thought it would be cool to be able to give them to my kids. Joke's on me with that one. I keep most of them at my parents' house, like people do when they've grown up and moved away. In my place now though, I do have one stuffed animal... the one I've held out the most hope for. It's the very first stuffed animal I received. There's a picture of me, 3 days old, my first day in my new house fresh off the plane, and this stuffed dog totally dwarfs me. Sure it's missing one eye now, and has a huge hole in its neck that I patchily tried to sew up as a child. It's all ratty and I'm pretty sure has never been washed, I still have it though. Sometimes when I'm feeling sick or sad, I get it out of the closet and hug it tight. Even though it's a dog I named it "Beary". Beary and me. lol. I keep him because I'm sentimental and sappy. I think there is some small, tiny part of me though that holds on to hope. That holds on to the idea that some day, I will have someone to pass him on to. Maybe a niece or nephew, maybe a kid of our own if I ever decide to change my mind about the whole giving up on kids thing.

I don't sleep with beary now though, I'm afraid Gibbs will chew him up. lol. I sleep with several pillows. A giant body pillow and an extra regular sized one, I use them as surrogate stuffed animals, because Gibbs won't chew those, he just licks them.

I have a new job, which I started last week. Let me tell you, I fricking LOVE it. I keep waiting for that moment where I find something about the job I hate, but so far, it's been nothing but awesome. I like the people and the work and the company. This has never happened to me before so it's pretty great. I've been trained in a new area from the one I've been doing so far and everything seems to be coming up roses. I'm also super excited for health, dental, and vision after 90 days. Hurray for benefits! I'm probably the only person in the world who loves going to the dentist. Clean teeth make me happy.

Since I do have this great job, and don't have much time outside of that, I think I might have to restrict my blogging to just weekends. I guess I can make an effort to do it if I have some spare time, but I definitely won't be able to do every day. So pop over every once in a while and see what we're up to in this fantastical land of IF.