Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Bored and Blue

One of my college buddies and I caught up two weekends ago with a G+ Hangout. It was nice to see each other and chat a bit about the new developments in our lives. Her long-distance boyfriend is moving to her city over the summer and she is super excited. We got talking about some of our other friends who live with their significant others but aren't married. She and her man didn't want to do that because sometimes it can feel like you're trapped in a long-term roommate thing and neither of you can really get out.

For a while now, I've realized that's how I've been feeling with Hubbs. I really do just feel like he's my roommate, and I wonder where that spark has gone. Even when we have sex, it feels like I'm just going through the motions. The spark is there sporadically, but I don't know... sometimes I find myself doubting that he loves me. He certainly sucks at showing it. I hate seeing all of my female friends' posts on facebook about how their significant other did such and such, or surprised them with this or that. It's just small little things, but it's the little things that show that you care. Hubbs never really learned how to do those things, and I don't really know how to teach him. Maybe we both suck at it because neither of us had been in love before we fell for each other.

I've told him it would be nice if he would do little things to show me he loves me. He'll ask me "like what?" and I'll just tell him to google it. I'm clearly just as much of a failure. I've told him how I miss that when we together in the beginning, up until a year or so into our marriage, whenever we'd go out to somewhere really crowded, he'd reach back and grab my hand like he was afraid of losing me in the crowd. He doesn't do that anymore.

I kind of wonder if all of these feelings of boredom and disappointment are stemming from my depression. Maybe it's back. Maybe my symptoms are rearing their ugly head again. I definitely won't be going back on the same medication, because not being able to orgasm wasn't fun for anyone. I just don't want to feel like I'm going through the motions of life anymore. Maybe once I fix things with me, things with Hubbs will just be better because my perception of our relationship will change.

I don't know, I'm starting to just feel hollow, and when I say the words "I love you" they just feel empty, like I've forgotten what they mean. The same way I've been telling my parents I love them simply out of obligation and not because I feel it.  

He always jokes that I'm going to leave him. I don't know if that's some sort of subconscious desire of his that I will, or if it's more a manifestation of him feeling like a bad husband. Of course I don't want to bring it up, because then he'll just feel worse about himself. Any time I feel down a little bit, he always assumes it's his fault. I think it's just because I'm broken, in more ways than one. Maybe I'm not dealing as well as I thought I was with my past. Maybe it's time to seek professional help, and actually stick with it this time. I'll have health insurance in 2 months... the question is, do I wait until then or try to go now? There is a clinic here that works on a sliding scale, maybe I'll try to go there.

I just need to get out of whatever funk I'm in. Sometimes these feelings are fleeting, they're just with me for a few weeks or months and then the clouds part. Other times, I withdraw from the world completely and let my life fall by the wayside until I scrounge up the courage to ask for help.

Maybe I just need to adjust to the new schedule. Hubbs works, I work, we don't have that much time to spend together. When we do see each other, we're tired from our work week. I have a 4-day weekend this weekend. I'll try to take that time to reset. I'll clean our apartment, maybe rearrange some furniture... that always puts me in a better mood.

I think I'll plan a secret date for this weekend. Something to spice it up a bit and surprise Hubbs. There's a restaurant he's been talking about going to for a while, perhaps we'll even get dressed up.

I don't know, what do you do to break the monotony of your life? How do you show your lover that you love them? What do you do when you find yourself in a rut? Any and all advice very welcome here. 

No comments:

Post a Comment