Saturday, May 4, 2013

What Ifs and Whens

I've been doing a lot of reflection lately. Wondering the different paths my life could have taken, I'm not sure it's a good thing.

What if I hadn't been too afraid to tell my friend that I'd developed feelings for him. (This was pretty much the story of my life until I got married, even he started out as "just a friend")

What if I hadn't gotten scared and let myself love earlier?

What if I'd kept dating that other guy, instead of breaking up with him because I feared commitment?

What if I didn't quit that job, or move there, or make that snap decision?

I find it weird that the things I regret most in my life are the things I didn't do rather than the things I did. I always over-analyzed everything. What if this, what if that? I guess I still do it now, but less, because now I don't have any big decisions. Maybe I've grown comfortable and complacent.

The one weighing on my mind now is... what if I wasn't fat?

There are changes that I know I need to make in my life. I need to get fit. I need to make the appropriate changes to make that happen. I can't be afraid any more or hide behind the fat. At this point, I hate the way I look so much that it's affecting my relationship with Hubbs. I feel myself pulling away from him because I don't understand how he can love me, when I don't think I love me.

I've seen pictures of myself recently, and I just see a blob. There was a day when I caught a reflection in a door and thought, man, who is that fat lady? Then I realized it was me. I'm not trying to be a downer here. I'm trying to get it all out there so I can be held accountable I guess. I know I've tried before, and I even succeeded for a little bit, but I've slipped back into bad habits.

I keep promising to take the dog for walks, or telling myself I'll go to the gym, but I never do. I get home from work and I have to immediately start cooking dinner or it will never get done in time for me to go to bed at decent hour and get up for work in the morning to start the cycle over again. I was thinking, I know it sounds a little crazy, even to me... what if I got up EARLY and went to the gym then? I could finish working out, shower, and then go to work. I think it just might work. I'm setting a goal for myself internet.

I'm planning on attending my college's homecoming this year. It starts in November, so that only gives me 6 months to get in better shape and overall feel better about myself. I want to be able to look at the pictures from that weekend and be able to not only see myself happy in them, but to be happy to see me in them as well.

What do you think? Think I can do it? I've made this promise before I am sure, but I'm making it again. I can't hit my next milestone birthday and still look like this. I won't live very long if I do, today is the day. Now is the time. I'm going to get dressed and take the dog for a nice walk. I think I've finally reached that tipping point where I am ready to change my life for the better. If I'm not going to make this change now, then when? I can't wait for when anymore, I'm going to start now.

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