Sunday, May 31, 2015

End of the Month Thoughts

Who am I now? I was briefly a mom of two, now just a mom of one. I don't have the same enthusiasm I had towards work. Mortgages just seem pointless and all of the small little things that occupied my work day seem so trivial now. I'm sad that I'm there and not spending more time with Ducky. Financially, Hubbs and I both need to work, I just wish I could do something that actually mattered. Something that made a difference. Perhaps I just should have taken more time off of work. I probably wasn't ready to go back. Luckily, it's slow there, so there wasn't much work to do. That made it worse though. It was nice to just buckle down and finish this daunting list of tasks when we were busy. When we're slow, it's more try to find things to do and look busy. It gave my mind a little too much time to wander. While I am still in line for my promotion, it involves so much customer service, and if there's one thing I hate, it's customer service. I purposely left customer service when I originally took this job. Hubbs says I should stick it out until our new corporate merger has kicked off and we see a huge increase in volume. I should be able to last at least that long.

I'm not depressed, I've been that before, I'm just... I don't know, indifferent to the things that don't matter. I had a son and he died. I don't want that to define me, but for now, I feel like it does. I think about him every day with differing levels of sadness. I look at my daughter and it's bittersweet because while she is growing and learning, he never will. We picked out his tombstone on Friday. A small little monument for the giant hole in our hearts. My son is gone. My beautiful little boy who looked so much like his big sister. Hubbs and I think that when they were older, people would have mistaken them for twins.

I'm torn between wanting to try again right away, or taking the time to heal property and get in better shape. I'm still down about 27lbs from when I got pregnant with Lumpy, so I am healthier in that sense. We've started going for walks and getting back in the habit of eating well. My OB last time was fine with us trying again right after Ducky because it took us so long to get pregnant with her. It took us 6 months of trying to get pregnant with Lumpy. When I talk to my OB at my 6-week check-up, we'll go over it. I'm sure since I had a C-Section, he'll want us to wait at least a little while. Hubbs and I did agree to stick to the same timeline though. We said we'd give it 4 years after Ducky was born, and if it didn't happen by then, it wasn't going to happen. We don't want to have kids beyond the age of 35. So we've got 3 years to give it another go. Missing my son really did help me to realize that I do want another baby at some point. The newborn stage is so precious and it's so amazing to watch your baby grow. Hubbs and I would both be sad if we didn't get that opportunity again.

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