Doggie Halloween

Hubbs and I have a very important decision to make... what is Gibbs going to wear for Halloween. Petsmart was having a sale and the Top Paw brand costumes were 75% off. That was too good of a deal to pass up. I am turning to you, loyal readers to help us decide. Here are the 4 options. Vote for your favorite in the comments and we'll post pics from the big day!

As an FYI, Gibbs is my service dog, and he does his job very well. He comes with me pretty much everywhere and has been a fabulous and quality-of-life improving addition to my life. We pamper the heck out of him and love him like crazy. Sometimes, he's just too cute not to dress up though. lol. 

Option #1

Gnome

Option #2

Pumpkin 

Option #3

T-Bird

Option #4

Brain-Eating-Shark Attack Victim

  

So that's it, vote and help us out! We're bringing him along to our nieces' and nephew's Trick-or-Treating adventures so we want him to look his best. Thank you!

My Favorite Time of Year

This is my absolute favorite time of the year. All of the leaves turn delightful golden, orange, and yellow. The air is crisp and clean smelling and there's a slight magic to it as well.

I mean sure, I also love it because my birthday is tomorrow, that's a plus. Then Halloween is right around the corner. Halloween is my favorite holiday, followed closely by Christmas. I love getting dressed up and going out and doing fun Halloween-ish things. Pumpkin patches and corn mazes, bobbing for apples and going to haunted houses. All good in my book.

Of course no holiday would be complete without watching my favorite themed movies! Hocus Pocus, Casper, and a few others top the list of must-watch Halloween-time fun. Sadly, most of my collection is still in my parents' garage, but the essentials are here. I'm thinking Saturday afternoon for the movie-fest.

It actually snowed here today, which is insane. Snow followed by a small hail shower. Certainly an interesting start to my morning. I commute to work/school on a scooter and today I was just not feeling it. I should be leaving for school right now, but instead I'm writing to you lovely readers. I can miss a day. It's fine. lol.

For my birthday shenanigans I'm not quite sure what we're doing. Hubbs has a few surprises planned. Saturday evening we're going to our favorite Brazilian Steakhouse and are gonna gorge ourselves on an endless stream of expertly prepared meats with his sister and her husband. At some point we're going to go see ParaNorman at the $1 theater because I've been begging to see it since before it came out. Sunday we're going to go to BW3's and watch some football, because I know that's what Hubbs wants to do and they sent me a coupon for free dessert. Woot.

As I near the big 3-0, I do realize that although my life hasn't quite turned out the way I thought it would, it is pretty awesome. I know that over the next however many decades, there will be more ups and downs and adventures all around. I can't wait and am very happy that I get to share it with my best friend.

AF is a B

Pretty sure at this point AF is just messing with me. I've had some weird pseudo-cramps and hip pain over the last week or so. AF is 5 days later than last cycle. Last time, It showed up literally an hour after I caved and peed on a stick. Not making that mistake again this time! Lol. I will wait this sucker out!

Knowing me though, I'll probably cave. You get all psyched out and start hoping against all hope that just maybe there's some sort of miracle baby in there. I mean, come on, it happens all the time, right!? lol. Generally I just wind up giving in and testing because I don't want my hopes to get any higher. Pretty sure if I actually got a positive I would literally die laughing. Would make a great birthday present for us though...

I'll wait a week. This is my goal internet! Let's see if I make it.

Masks

Since October's theme is masks, it got me thinking about Halloween costumes obviously, even though this year masks are banned. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, meanie psychopaths.

Then I thought deeper, about the masks we wear ever day, the ones that hide our true selves, or our true feelings.

Specifically there are a few masks I feel that I've been wearing lately...

The Happy Wife - Hubbs and I have been married for a little over 2 years now, for I'd say... 85% of that time I've been the breadwinner. That's ok for now. Hubbs understands that he needs to step that up in the next few years, because I want to be a stay-at-home mom. At least until they go to school... Lately, especially when I was working my ass off, going to school at the ass-crack of dawn and heading straight from one part-time job to the next and came home to a filthy apartment with dishes and garbage strewn everywhere and a Husband sitting at the computer playing WoW... I got mad. The anger boiled inside me and there it stayed, fuming and threatening to explode. There I sat though, not saying a word because I know that Hubbs is sensitive about the fact that he doesn't provide for us. Feels like less of a man because he can't support his family. My anger would only send him into meltdown mode, which wouldn't help either of us. Some days I wonder what would have happened if I'd married one of the more well off men of my recent past instead; would have made me happier? For now, I wear my happy wife mask and suck it up because I really do love that man that I've tied myself to forever and nitpicking about dishes is not going to make forever pleasant for either of us.

Honesty - I lie, I sneak around and hide important things from family and those who love me. A few days last week, when my back hurt so badly I could barely move... I didn't go to my warehouse job. I went to an all day movie marathon, sneaking from one theater to the next with my giant tub of popcorn because I needed to escape the world. Sometimes I sneak off and have lunch by myself when I say I'm going to the library because I want to pig out and not be judged. I sneak food all the time. With the exception of two sisters-in-law and their husbands, no one else in our family knows about our infertility. I don't need a dozen more opinions or suggestions or cliches thrown at me. This is one lie I feel good about. The other thing I hide, mostly because I just don't know how to come out and say it... was that I was molested as a child. (If you're curious, feel free to read about it HERE.) That, I shared for the first time with you lovely readers. After finally admitting it to myself after years of struggling with the horrible memories, I needed to tell someone. Suffering it alone had become almost too much to bear. Still... I wear that mask, the mask of honesty, the one that never lets anyone get a hint of suspicion that just maybe, they're not getting the whole truth.

The Pillar of Strength - This one I wore through a majority of my youth. I saw crying as a weakness. I thought people who cried were pathetic and just needed to control themselves. I have no clue where I got this idea. As an adult, I still sometimes have this mindset. Very rarely, do I ever cry about something real in my life. Books and movies don't count, because I mean, I do have a soul. Geez! I want to say that in my adult life, I can count the number of times I've broken down and cried on both hands. This refusal to give into pesky emotions hides my feelings well... but I do feel them. This also helps everyone to believe that everything is just fine and dandy. I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

The last mask that comes to mind at the moment, after a long day of work and blowing off a school field trip I was actually looking forward to... but come 7am, the bed won me over is the mask of confidence. I think we as women struggle with this one a lot. I have known very few genuinely confident women in my day; one of them is my best friend, she awes me with her love for her.

Confidence - I hate my body. I know deep down, I am not supposed to be fat. My heart yearns to be a size 12 again. Every time Hubbs and I have done it, the lights have been off. I've literally gotten to the point where I hate looking at myself. I should really shun pictures and mirrors all together, I think that would help me feel better about myself. I live in constant fear of someone mistaking me for a pregnant woman. It is literally my worst nightmare. Whilst I do have a bit of pudge all around, the majority of it is belly-centric. Thanks for that PCOS! I know I have a pretty face, but right now it's kind of hard to tell with my extra chin and cheeks. Oh yes, you thought only double chins were a thing? I'm rocking double cheeks as well. Picture it! Somehow though, I manage to put on this facade of "I know I look good." I know that my fat is temporary, even though it's been my companion for the last 20 years. That's one of the major reasons I'm so hoping we get into this weight loss study, I digress. I try to find the smallest little thing that I actually like about myself... my fall-back is my eyes.. I pretend that's all people see when they see me. It helps me trudge along until the day when the me I know is in there somewhere escapes from this prison of fat.  Sure there's the tiny chance that I'll still hate myself when I'm a more healthy weight, but I'll burn that bridge when I come to it. lol.

I hope where wasn't too much negativity in this post. I hope that it came across that I do indeed have this little shred of hope for the day when I no longer need these masks. For the most part, I don't care what other people think. (read other people as 'strangers') It's easy to be brazen and bold when you'll never see those people again... but when it's those you love... when it's those you know and will see for the rest of your life, it's very hard to let them see the darkest parts of yourself, whether it's because you fear judgement or rejection or any number of negative reactions... I have to believe though that the people who really truly love you won't care about your demons; they'll love you more for your faults and for being true to yourself. They'll appreciate you trusting them enough to confide in them and it will strengthen your bond even more. I wish I were brave enough to step out and take that leap today, alas I am not, but I do have that hope that someday soon, I will find the courage, and for now, that's enough.

Infertility Study and Other Things

In my area, a local University is conducting a 6-month long infertility study that has 3 stages. It starts with weight-loss and then teaches how to keep the weight off. After that they see how many couples get pregnant on their own. If you don't, then they provide fertility treatments.

We are seriously hoping that we're able to get in on this study. I meet all of the criteria for participants. Apparently all the men-folk need is a willingness to participate, where as I need to be sufficiently fat enough and unable to ovulate. Go me. There is no way we'd be able to afford something like this on our own and it is kind of the answer we've been looking for.

Wish us luck!!

In other news, Hubbs started his nanny gig and is surviving it. lol. Our almost 2-month-old niece is the biggest troublemaker out of the 4 kids, but he's doing well.

I hurt my back at work and have been struggling through my schedule with mixed levels of pain. The doctor thinks there's some ligament or tendon damage after a weird pseudo-slip off of a step-ladder.

We're considering me dropping down to just one job since they've offered me more hours as well as a potential transition to manager in November. Whilst I do really enjoy both jobs, companies, and the people I work with at both... I think it would be better if my schedule wasn't completely jam packed every day.

Hubbs' birthday is tomorrow. We're going to celebrate today since I can't really be there tomorrow, followed by cake and prezzies on Wednesday. I have a field trip for school that day and got off work for my afternoon job just for the occasion. I like having our birthdays close together, it's also nice because for 3 weeks, we're the same age and I'm not a year older. lol. October is crazy birthday month in our families. Hubbs is the 8th, my cousin the 11th, our niece is the 15th, mine the 26th, my brother's the 29th. It's a lot to remember, but we manage to make it work.

Hubbs and I are also both writing books!! His is more of an idea that he kind of outlined, mine has blossomed into a 5 chapter, almost 6,000 word wonder. So far I'm pleased with it, but haven't really put it out there. Hubbs has read my introduction and really likes the premise, but hasn't had time yet to read the new additions. I don't have much free time, but on weekends occasionally if something comes to mind, I'll add it in. I know where I want the story to go and I think I'll be able to get there soon. It's really exciting and fun. I'm hoping that by the end of 2013 it'll be done and I can self-publish. My SiL has offered to proof-read it for me and I'm thankful for that. I think she'll bring a good perspective. She has a bi-weekly column on a pretty substantial website so I definitely value her input as a writer. Also, my mom has self-published 2 books, none of which have received much acclaim, but she's done book signings and other such shenanigans. 

It seems like everything is going pretty well for us, and I hope the same goes for you all as well.

Completely Insanely Busy Life

Well... my life is officially insane. I have a really good excuse for hardly posting at all this month. Seriously.

My day starts at 6:30. Wake up, get dressed, leave for class by 7:00. Class from 7:30-10:30, come home for a very short lunch and leave again by 11:30 to be at work for my first job from 12-5:30. After that I jet over to my second job and work there from 6-11pm. I finally get home around 11:30pm and dawdle a bit before drifting off too sleep. This madness is every Mon-Fri. My body is sooo tired. lol. I spend pretty much all day Sat/Sun resting on the couch.

In other news, I hurt my back at job #1 and am now in almost constant excruciating pain. Go me. The doctor said it's likely some tendon and/or ligament damage in my lower spine. Hurray. Yesterday it was so bad I could barely walk. Lucky for me that meant a day off. lol. I still hurt a lot today and have to leave for work in about 20 mins... still not sure if I feel up to going. If I miss today too though, that's $100 I'm missing out on. Decisions decisions.I've also been diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Which is just great. So now I sleep with a brace on and feel like a big loser, but at least my hand falls asleep far less often now.

Hubbs and I see each other when I get home from work, obviously, and for a brief 20 mins at 7:30 when he brings me dinner at job #2. It's nice, but I feel like in seeing him less, somehow I get more annoyed at the little things when we actually do spend time together. I think that's something I'll have to work on. Like when I get home from my crazy long day and I see that the dishes that have been on the table from 2 days ago are still there... I don't think it's too much to ask that he cleans up a little since he's actually home and I never am. He got all pissy when I brought it up. Oh well. Our apartment can totally be gross and dirty. I'm not really home enough for it to bother me I guess.

School is going pretty well for both of us. I missed a few days due to my stupid spine, but I'm learning pretty quickly. Hubbs is rocking all of his classes as usual, so there's that. On Oct 1st he starts his nannying gig for our nieces and nephew which will be nice. It will mean that 3 days a week we won't get to have dinner together, but that's ok.

We still haven't been to the adoption agency yet. Mostly because my injury and busy schedule means we're only available weekends and I'm pretty sure this one is only open Mon-Fri. Good stuff.

One of my jobs only goes till the end of October, so I'm hoping things will be a bit less hectic then. For now though, I'm trudging along and trying to make the best of things.  Hope things are going well with all of you.

09/11/01

Today is not usually a day that I talk about much. Some years are better than others. For the most part I still feel angry.

At the time, I was living in New Jersey. I was a senior in high school. My town is about 10 miles across the water from where the World Trade Center was. Sure it takes forever to drive there, but just a short hop as the crow flies. My brother's apartment was about three buildings over from the WTC. About 80% of my family lived in NYC as well. I lived in a commuter town. A huge percentage of the population hopped on the trains and made their way into the city for their jobs. On several occasions my friends and I skipped school to go to the city just for fun.

Luckily, this was not one of those days. It was just a typical school day. We had TV's in most of the classrooms. I was leaving gym and getting ready to go to English. I heard teachers whispering in the halls. When I made it to English, I asked my teacher to turn on the news. There we just sad for hours watching everything unfold. It felt like forever. At one point, without making an announcement, the Principal cut off the feed. We all freaked out and thought that another building had been hit. Bad judgement on her part. My brother came and pulled me out of school a few minutes later. I just sat home with my parents watching the news. Our house sat on a hill. You could see the smoke plume from anywhere in our house. You could even smell it.

They needed volunteers to babysit at the elementary schools, too many parents were trapped in the city and couldn't get home in time to pick up their kids. I went and we just waited and played games with them. Some of their parents never came.

Friends of mine lost parents, I lost neighbors, and our whole community suffered. Houses that lost family members got yellow ribbons tied around trees in their yard.

I always get so angry. Sure I wasn't at the WTC that day, sure I wasn't even in the city. I was close enough. As a community we delt with the aftermath of that day for years.

There was this lookout point one town over. You could see the whole New York skyline. It became an impromptu memorial. People wrote notes, put pictures, stuck in flags, and tied yellow ribbons. My friends and I would go there all the time before... but after it was just transformed into this place where you couldn't escape that day. We used to go there to look optimistically at our futures. Afterwards it was just this constant reminder of that day.

A few weeks later, my friends and I took a day off school and went into the city. We stopped by "ground zero" and walked around. There were fences all around, covered with pictures and trinkets remembering those who had died. Even then, the smell still lingered, the ruins were still smoldering.
 We didn't take pictures that day. It just didn't seem right. I know the day we visited will haunt me forever.

Watching something unfold on tv doesn't have the same impact. When I watch the news, I'm separated from whatever is happening, but when it's something you can see right outside your bedroom window, you can't have that same separation. It's there, in your face. When you know people personally affected, it really hits home.

I hate seeing those "remember" stickers on cars. I really hated those billboards that were everywhere for a while. I'm sure it's even worse for people who were in the city that day, but my first instinct when someone brings up something about 09/11 is that they don't understand, and just need to shut up.

Usually, I take the day off. I don't listen to the radio or watch tv. For the most part I don't even go where there's a chance someone will mention what day it is. Maybe that's weird, but it's the best way I know how to deal with it. It's the best way I know to avoid the possibility of snapping and freaking out on someone who brings it up.

Positive Thinking

Yesterday, Hubbs was driving us home, I turned to him and said "Doesn't it seem like things are finally starting to go our way?" He agreed. Things have been completely on the up and up lately. Sure things haven't gone exactly as we'd expected, but things seem to be going in our favor.

I'm racking up the job interviews and feel like I have a lot of options.  Next week I'll know for certain which ones I get to choose from.

We were able to purchase a scooter to aid in my daily commute, so we're not spending an asston of gas every week, and we got it for super cheap without having to finance it. /win.

Hubbs aced all of his summer classes and will be working as a nanny for his sister in addition to going to school full time.

An lastly, we are having our initial meeting to start the adoption process tomorrow!!

I don't know, I'm really hoping that things keep going well. We were at such a low point for so long, we were wondering if things would ever start looking up. I know the rest of our lives will be a series of ups and downs and that only very rarely will things ever go exactly as planned... but we're definitely going to relish in this for a bit while we can. =)

What's Next?

Well another month has come and gone. Exciting things are going to happen and soon at that.

Hubbs started school Monday.

I start school Tuesday.

There's an 80% chance we're buying a scooter in the next week.

Sunday we have our first meeting to officially start the adoption process.

I find out tomorrow (technically today) if I get the job I really really want.

So despite the fact that I'll be going to school from 7:30am - 10:30am, possibly working from around 11am - 5pm, and then working from 6pm - midnight, I will try to post every day. There has yet to be a month that I've stuck to that... lol. It's just so hard! Half the time I just don't feel like I have anything of worth to say. For the most part, everything seems on the up and up for us. Here's to hoping is stays that way!! =)

Including the Childless

Today was the final day of family fun time. Ended with a baby blessing and a spontaneous luncheon and photo session. Hubbs' Grandparents, Parents, and his family that lives in town with their brood of kids were there as well. Everyone was dressed up and they decided to do an impromptu photo shoot to commemorate the joining of 4 generations of family.

Of course Hubbs and I were relegated to camera holding and photo snapping whilst the happy families and their ability to produce children were proudly displayed. After about 5 minutes of this, anyone would start to feel like a 17th wheel. Lol. It was really quite hard.

I have to say though, I am so glad for Hubbs' eldest sister. She's sleep deprived, caught a severe cold from her mother, and very tired of hosting family with a 2 week-old baby... but she remembered to include us. She wanted a picture of us with all 4 of her kids which made me feel very loved, included and happy. I feel very lucky to have her in as sister and to be a part of her kids' lives.

I think it's very easy, whether at family gatherings or what-have-you, when everyone is gathered around and fawning over the kids, to forget about those who aren't lucky enough to have kids just yet. So if you see a childless couple standing off to the side... don't be afraid to make them feel welcome, to make them feel included, even for just a little while. Sometimes, being around kids is extremely hard, especially in situations where it points out how out of place you are without them. It can make the world of difference to someone going through a hard time.