While, yes, that is the title of an episode of South Park, I'm going to get serious with you readers for a moment here.
I read an article the other day about some "celebrity" I usee the term loosely because I have no idea who she is, admitted to being molested by her doctor. This happened to her as an adult from what I could gather on two separate occasions with two separate doctors. The second doctor touched her belly-button and praised its hotness. That's weird in of itself, but anyway.
Over the last few days I have been struggling to really look back on my life and figure out when I started gaining weight, what exactly it was that triggered my need to stuff my face with food on a regular basis. It all stems back to one incident that has been plaguing my mind for years. Something I've always questioned whether or not was supposed to happen to me, or whether it was normal or ok.
I was molested by my pediatrician. I don't remember the whole incident completely, more like snippets, I don't even remember his name. I was young. We'd just moved to a new state and I think I'd seen him a few times before it happened. He was really old, wrinkly, liver spots, and that old person smell. It was while I was still in elementary school. It had to have been 3rd or 4th grade because we moved there the summer before 3rd grade. I'm not sure my mother ever came into the room with me at doctor's appointments. If she did, it was before I can remember. He explained what he was going to do, telling me that it was all normal. I recall thinking to myself "if he's gonna stick his hand up there, shouldn't he be wearing gloves?" I remember a lot of pain. I know that afterwards, I asked my mother to see a female doctor instead. I never told her why. Even when I saw female doctors, when it got to the point where I was old enough to actually need a physical exam down in the nether bits, I would always like and say I was on my period so they would skip it.
When I finally did have my first examination of my lady bizness (yes, I know it's spelled business, but it's way more fun to spell it bizness and not say vagina.) I was definitely nervous. I had a female doctor this time and she was very kind, explained everything before she did it. Wore gloves, and only used the standard two fingers. This was really the point that made me seriously question what had happened to be before and confirmed my suspicious that something indeed had been very very wrong with the creepy old man doctor.
When I look back now, I can see that this is why I have an aversion to old men. This is why I don't like to be touched. This is why for so many years I refused to be intimate with anyone. To this day, I only see female doctors when it comes to my lady business. I have a male regular doctor now, but I only see him for colds, my persistent headaches, etc, nothing that ever requires me to remove any clothing. I also think that this is why I let myself go for so long. If I was ugly and fat, no one would want to touch me, and I wouldn't get hurt again. It was after this incident that I started packing on the pounds. I didn't do it consciously, I didn't know why I felt the incessant need to eat. I do know that the food made me feel safe.
It feels now, like such a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I had been carrying this around with me for so long. I never blamed myself, I knew it wasn't my fault, but holding on to a secret like that though can slowly eat away at you. It can help lead to your destruction if you're not careful.
I am pleased to say that I've learned to trust. Granted, it is hard earned, but I can trust. I let family members hug me. As Hubbs and I look towards starting a family, you can be damn sure that I will make sure that nothing like this ever happens to any of our children.
I know I promised less depressing posts. I sit here light-hearted and hopeful about the future. I just needed to let this go. If I'm going to heal properly, I needed to put this out to the world and say "yes, I was molested as a child, I'm coming to terms with it, and I'm going to be ok."
Thanks for reading this post. It has helped me more than you will ever know.
On a totally random side bar, I just learned that if you google "can you die from cramps?" I'm the 4th thing that pops up. This makes me giggle.