Last night, we stayed up late. For some reason Hubbs decided to sit on the couch and stare at the wall for a bit. Then fell asleep. Everything seemed fine. I got him up and we went to bed. We read for a bit and giggled about random stuff, like we always do. Then somehow, magically out of nowhere, we got into a weird argument.
I still have no idea what he was mad about. He mentioned something about me not liking the pot pie he made last night. Then rambled a bit about how he feels that he doesn't make me happy. That couldn't be further from the truth... well... the bit about the pot pie was totally true.
I just don't get it. He occasionally comes out with this weird idea that I'm disappointed in him for not being able to provide for us. First of all, I never asked him to be the provider in our family and have no idea why he feels that our lack of money at the moment makes me unsatisfied with him. I've tried to reassure him, but I don't know what more I can do. This was more of an issue back when he quit his perfectly well paying job because he hated it. I let him do that because I thought it would make him happier. Then he got all emo and sad about not being a provider. He was out of work for a year and I diligently went to the exact same job, which I felt slowly sucking the life out of me, and brought home the bacon for us. Now that we're both going back to school and neither of us has a job at the moment, I guess it's just stirring up these old feelings.
I have so much crap going on in my head right now, dealing with the aftermath of the abuse I endured as a kid and worrying incessantly about my body and its pudginess. Hubbs was like this beam of radiant light that reminded me about all of the good things and the things I did have going for me that made me happy.
Last night he managed to take a little bit of that away. I know these moods of his are fleeting. That they're leftover from things that happened before we got married. I don't know. I just want to see him smile again. Which just happened two seconds ago when he took my book club book out of the bathroom and criticized the cover. Lol.