Today I slept in till about 1pm. Pretty much did nothing the whole day. Did my usual morning stuff, reading the news, blogs, postsecret. Yay for postsecret sundays! Gave the dog a bath, then played video games for several hours.
I did manage to make an awesome dinner. Ribeye steaks with a roasted heirloom tomato risotto. It was super delicious.
I don't know why I'm feeling so blah lately. It could be that I'm steadily becoming more and more aware of how fat I've gotten. Even my ankles are swollen today. I've got to be at least 300lbs now. The last time I got weighed, which was a few weeks ago I think, I was 295lbs or something around there. So depressing. Yet I can't seem to stop myself from going out and eating a fattening meal almost every day. I seriously seriously need to do something. I can't continue on like this. If I do I'll never be able to have kids and will most likely die. So I make myself a promise here to all of you and to myself. I WILL DO THIS! I will start working out at least 30 mins a day. Even if that means just going for a walk for 30 mins. The dog needs walks, he likes walks, I should be nice and take him on walks. I will not sneak out and eat meals on my own like, 3 hours before/after dinner. I will stop drinking soda.
I'm sure doing this will help improve my self-esteem as well and make me feel way more sexy in the bedroom. Maybe my clothes will actually fit and I won't have to wear dresses all the time. I'm like one step away from mu-mu land. I have one pair of pants that fit at the moment and they're maternity pants. This shame I share with you, dear people of the interwebs. Someone should know. Someone should hold me accountable for what I've done to myself with food.
It's funny, when I was younger, and my mother would verbally abuse me and criticize me for being fat... I really wasn't that fat. I was a bit chubby, but never overweight according to the doctor's standards. Now here I am as an adult and I have indeed let myself get super fat. Maybe I let myself get fat because I think I deserve it. I really don't know. Today is the day though. I'm going to make the change that is so desperately needed in my life. I really wish I could get on the Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I am far to terrified to try out for one of those shows. It's not that I don't want to, I would love to have Bob yelling in my face to bike faster or not to give up. It's the idea of laying everything bare to the world. Showing everyone what I've done to myself and letting people see how much I've let myself go.
Wow, this post is super depressing. I feel like it needed to be said though. Now I can look back on this blog in five months or so, and know that this is moment where I decided to change my life and love myself for it.
This post is depressing to read as well! However, I think the most important thing I'm gaining from reading it is that you're in an honest place. You're not sugar-coating the message to yourself, bitter though it may be. I want you to know that I had a hard time starting any exercise. I was terrified of how out of shape I was...scared of hurting and sweating, and scared of failing. If you are unable to do the 30 minutes today, give it your best shot to try five minutes tomorrow. Five to six to seven successfully feels so good compared to failing multiple times at 30.
ReplyDeleteYea, over the past month or so, I've occasionally done a few yoga/pilates videos that were available for streaming on netflix. I do have to say that I did feel an awesome sense of accomplishment once I finished the whole thing. I may have sworn at the tv trainer, but it was worth it, I finished and was super proud of myself.
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