Just about 13 hours before my appointment tomorrow. Viability ultrasound followed by the bad news train with the doctor. I know what's going to happen. I've been having spotting on and off all week. Went in today for the blood draw for my RhoGAM shot, which I'll need to go back for tomorrow. I'll go in for the ultrasound, and they'll see the same thing as last week, a gestational sac and a yolk sac, maybe an embryo, because they'll be using a slightly better machine, but no heartbeat.
I went to the store today and picked up supplies for the inevitable. a 30-pack of extra super absorbency pads, and a 15-pack of depends because I don't want to ruin too many pairs of underwear. I'm dreading telling everyone that we're no longer expecting our Christmas miracle and that we've suffered two losses in a row.
Losing this small ball of cells doesn't even come close to the pain of losing an actual, real, live baby. I'm still sad though. We had hope, we had wishes and dreams, and all of those have been taken away for the time being. We've spent over a year now preparing for the idea of two children, and twice we've been denied. I was just really getting used to the idea of two, and I was looking forward to seeing Ducky as a big sister.
Our window for childbearing keeps shrinking and shrinking and with every loss it just makes it seem less far away. I do not want to have children past the age of 35. We still want to be able to retire when we're relatively young and can take the time to enjoy it.
Ducky turns two in a few weeks, and it's crazy to me. In those two short years our lives have changed so dramatically and wonderfully. Perhaps sometimes I need to stop and remember the good things. How lucky we are to have stable jobs, a house of our own, and an amazing daughter.