New Jobs!

Hubbs and i are both super excited because BOTH of us start new jobs tomorrow. We got hired a day apart cause we are just that awesome. Hubbs is the new long-term sub at the local high school and i am going to be a skating carhop at Sonic. We are so incredibly excited about having jobs that we could possibly enjoy. Hurray for us. We had a celebratory dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and gorged ourselves on delicious grilled meat. lol.

I feel so much better. AF seems to finally be over and i'm far less emotional and definitely not as stressed. Hopefully we'll be able to save up enough with these new jobs to get health insurance, and then continue on this journey to conceive.

Hubbs is so cute, he's been looking at ring upgrades for me, even though we upgraded my engagement ring over the summer and i get crazy compliments on it. He says he won't buy one for a few years, he just likes to have ideas ready apparently. It's completely adorable.

AF Time

AF came last night. My temps have dropped back down. This sucks. Seriously sucks. I'm debating about whether or not to even chart my temps this cycle. Having to take my temp every morning is such a reminder about this struggle and how awful it is. I was talking to Hubbs about it last night when i was sad about AF. He told me he didn't realize how it was an every day struggle for me. He knew it was something i thought about occasionally, but didn't know how much it weighs on me. I guess it's better now that he knows. There are some days where it really is better though. I think refraining from temping every morning and not actively trying to get pregnant will help a lot with the mental and emotional toll IF has on me.

So yes, we are officially taking a break. We can't afford the RE consultation, can't afford health insurance right now. Taking a break is best. My body can relax, hopefully my bewbs won't hurt as much. Hopefully i'll be less of an emotional mess. I'm going to try harder to be patient and understand that while yes, other people can randomly make babies whenever the heck they want but no, i cannot.

In other, better news, i had a job interview yesterday. It was with 2 different managers. The first one seemed like he was brushing me off and kinda hated me. The second one however seemed to like me an made allusions to "schedule next week" and "accept hire offer online" so i'm 95% sure i have this job. I am extremely excited about it. I was so tired of never getting any hours at my current job. An average of less than 12 hours a week is not enough to help out at all. Hubbs STILL hasn't gotten any hours at all at his job. He got hired like back in october. They don't do paid training, he's literally been working there for almost 5 months and has gotten NOTHING for it. He's gonna start looking for something new now.

We're doing ok with our whole "low carb" thing. We're trying our best. Sometimes it's hard. We really don't have that much non-carb loaded food around the house, but we're trying our best. Hubbs made a chicken/veggie soup thing the other day which was quite good. He thinks he can't cook, but he really can. Following a recipe is super easy and he is super awesome at it. I'm psyched to see what he's gonna make for tonight.

Hope is For Suckers

Temp dropped today. I'm really hoping it's just an implantation dip and not a real dip... but it's probably just a real dip and AF is gonna slap me in the face.

I want this shirt...

Tiny Shred of Hope

I know it's illogical, i know the doctor already referred me to the RE that i'm now scared we'll never be able to afford... but i keep clingling to this tiny shred of hope that just maybe, maybe i really did O this cycle, and maybe there's the slightest possibility that i actually am pregnant. Weirder things have happened. I've seen charts where women had sex ONCE, like, 7 days before O and still managed to get pregnant. So yes, weirder things.

My bewbs still hurt really badly, and my temp is barely hovering above the coverline, but it's above it, and that's what counts. AF should be this week or maybe next week depending on if this turns out to be a 34 day cycle like last month, or a 40-ish day cycle. So i'll just sit here and twiddle my thumbs and keep myself distracted whilst i wait. I certainly won't go to the twoweekwait forums and pour over them looking for some sort of verification of my tiny hope shred.... maybe just a little. Ooh, and cramps today it seems like... awesome.

Hubbs and i have resolved to avoid the carbs. The carbs are evil. We've agreed to eat minimal carbs 6 days a week, and then have one day a week of magical carb-loading goodness. So far we've been pretty good about it. Especially once we found out that buffalo chicken wings have no carbs. We've been om nom noming the crap out of some chicken wings since a buffalo wild wings opened up within a half our drive of us.

So what about you? Have to ever clinged to a tiny dangle of hope despite knowing deep down that you really didn't have a shot?

Cycle #2 Failure

The lab results came back in, and while by progesterone levels were considered in the normal range for a follicular phase, they had hoped that i would have O'd already.

Looking at my charts, it really does seem like i O'd a few days ago, so i'm not really sure what to think. The doctor did go ahead and give us the RE referral though. The office is about 30 mins away and the initial consultation is a whopping $230 whether or not you have insurance. OUCH. They do have a seminar which is free, and attending nabs you 50% off the consultation price... but still.

So hubbs and i shall be taking a break for a few months. Kind of let my body relax a bit and we're also going to focus on getting healthier. A while ago they told me to cut out the carbs, and i'm selfish and love me some carbs. I was able to do it a while ago when my other doctor told me i was allergic to wheat and corn and soy. Cutting all 3 of those out of my diet was insanely hard. Anyways, we're going to be avoiding the carbs for the most part 6 days a week, and then we'll have 1 day where we go a little carb crazy. Wish us luck with that.

Now i'm pretty much just awaiting AF with super sore bewbs. Seriously, they hurt so bad. No idea what is up with that.

I Think OPK's Lie

I haven't seen a temp shift yet to coincide with what the OPK's said. I mean my temp dropped, and then jumped a bit, then dropped again, then jumped again. I guess we'll see if tomorrow it gets any higher. I did have this tiny shred of hope, and now i kinda feel like it has been crushed. maybe it hasn't i don't know.

Seriously, WTF is going on with this BBT chart?!?!

I was reading somewhere that nesting can be an important step in the coping process, so whilst i was shopping yesterday, i couldn't help but browse through the baby section. I was just looking for a small, cheap little something to kind of keep the hope alive. I saw this really adorable pair of newborn shoes that were brown and fuzzy and had adorable little teddy bear faces. I refrained from buying them though.

Today we're going to an all-you-can-eat pancake and french toast breakfast with Hubbs' sister and her husband. Then tonight is the Valentine's Ball with his eldest sister and her husband. I'm really looking forward to it. I have to switch up my shoe plan though. I was gonna wear my shoes from the wedding, but they don't really fit anymore, and my super fat ankles have to stretch the strap to the limit. Maybe my polka dot ones, or gold ones, i have these nude ones that are pretty comfy. It sucks cause the white ones were going to fit perfectly with my vision of the outfit. Oh well. Maybe next year my ankles won't be so chubby.

In other news, i got smacked with a bill from the doctor's office, apparently my crappy insurance doesn't actually cover anything. Well it takes a chunk out of it... but not by much. Gonna have to work out some sort of payment plan. Which now leaves us to have to shop around for other insurance plans that, since i'm now in the high-risk pool due to my pre-existing condition, would be almost $300/mo to cover both of us. I still don't know if both of us need to be covered. Hubbs pretty much never goes to the doctor, in fact, in the whole time we've been married, he hasn't been once. But i know that when you get the RE referral, they do like, a full work-up of both of you, so he should probably have coverage for that. WTF are we going to do? I'm not gonna let this ruin the awesome day that today should be.

Positive OPK, OMG WTF FTW!

So after being all super depressed yesterday and being like darnit, why can't i get a positive?! and looking up how the brand of test i was using was super fail and never gives anyone a positive. Well this B just got an effing positive! Maybe i'll O soon!!!! This is completely and utterly magical. I really had given up on the idea. I mean, just to prove it to myself, i even got my CD23 blood draw. Really not sure what this means for the rest of the cycle. I guess i just hope that i see a BBT rise to confirm what the OPK says. I'm really just happy, because in the last 3 months that we've been tracking and charting and everything else... I have NEVER seen a positive.

Here's even a picture to prove it. The positive one is the top one.

In other less significant news, our furbaby got a funny haircut that makes him look a little bit like a teddy bear. Cutest thing ever. I've got a pic to prove that too! lol.

Blood Tests for Funsies

Whilst i have been religiously peeing in a cup to dip a stick into every morning, and none of them have come up positive, i got my CD23 progesterone blood draw done today. Every review of the particular brand of OPK's i bought says that they suck, consistently never give a positive, are impossible to read, and you can never get a person on their customer service line. Good times. So i figure, maybe there's the tiniest of tiny chances that i ovulated already... or maybe that i may still ovulate. My temp dipped low today, so i'm secretly hoping that it'll spike tomorrow and i can pretend that tomorrow is O day.

Either way, it is looking like we'll be getting that RE referral after all. I'm ok with that. We've decided that after this cycle is over, we're gonna take a break for a few months, and then go to the RE to start everything again. I feel like i definitely need some time to give my body a rest after pumping it full of drugs for 2 months. It'll also be nice to not have to pee in a cup every morning. I think i'll still chart my temps, just to stay in the habit, but the rest of it will be on the back burner. Hubbs and i can just focus on working out together, and having fun with the sexy-time, and have it not feel like such a chore. Maybe in 3 months i will have lost enough weight that my body will decide to O on its own, anything can happen! lol.

OPK's of Doom

Well, no positive on the OPK's yet, but today is the closest i've ever seen. I'm supposed to have my blood draw done no later than tomorrow, but i don't know how i'm going to be able to handle the disappointment. Looks like we'll be getting that RE referral after all. This makes me a rather sad panda. Pretty sure that 11 days of negative OPK's is enough to realize that i definitely haven't O'ed yet. I feel though, like it is definitely coming, and soon! lol. The tests have been getting darker, but still not positive yet. I'm thinking it should be the next few days or so. Hoping anyway.

I find myself feeling more and more ok with the fact that it's gonna take us a long time to get pregnant. I feel less like i'm mourning and more hopeful about the future. After this cycle we're gonna take a break at least until we have health insurance. Most likely until may when the rest of our money comes in. I feel like i've gotten to the acceptance part of the grieving process. I'm ok with the fact that this cycle has failed. I'm ok with the fact that we'll be seeing the RE from now on for our baby-making assistance. This definitely feels like a positive step towards the rest of our lives. Way to go us. lol.

Super Bowl Sunday

So i'm looking forward to something in the upcoming weeks. In addition to the ball next weekend, which is gonna be awesome. I am starting an infertility support group. Nothing official, although i am submitting a volunteer application with RESOLVE, but it's just a small group that my church is sponsoring at the moment. I'm really nervous and excited and think it will be really really good for me, and hopefully, also good for the women joining said group.

We're super excited for the Super Bowl tonight, we shall be heading to the newly opened BW3's (aka Buffalo Wild Wings) that's near my work. Mostly because we couldn't find anywhere else that had fried pickles, and dammit i love me some fried pickles. Just the 2 of us are going, but it should be a good time. I'm in it mostly for the commercials, Hubbs is way into hoping the Patriots get whooped. Either way, fried pickles will make me a happy happy camper.