NaBloPoMo June 2012

A few months ago I actually attempted to participate in the NaBloPoMo and failed epically. Granted, I did wind up posting a lot more than usual, I'm not exactly sure that the content was all that fantastic.

So even though it isn't "Resolution Time" aka January, I am going to resolve to post every single day in the month of June. Maybe even gain some more readers, and not mysterious bots that seem to visit from Russia for some apparent reason. I'll even use things like proper grammar and shall try to refrain from using nerdy gamer-speak, which let's face it... really is part of my everyday vernacular.

I put this blog in the "Disability" category. Technically, at this moment, I am disabled. It's not obvious, you don't look at me and think, "oh hey, that lady over there is clearly disabled." I have a service dog, he doesn't come with me everywhere just yet. We usually leave him at home when I'm with my husband, but when I'm alone and going out, he tags along. Most people who look at me just assume I'm sneaking a small dog into the store and that I don't actually need him. The only place that's ever even stopped me to ask if he is in fact a service dog was at Costco and that's been the only time. Most people don't realize that Infertility really is a disability and severely affects your every day life. From seemingly constant doctor's appointments to the emotional and physical toll it takes. Although I do cover other subjects sometimes... I tend to overshare when it comes to my lady bits, my job prospects/school, and the sex life and/or general annoyances from the Hubbs, it seemed like the best category.

So strap in, settle down, grab some popcorn and your favorite beverage, because the month of June will include an onslaught of posts. It will include such wonders as the Infertility Seminar, my very first IF specialist visit, and the Hubbs' and my efforts to once and for all actually get in shape when we say we're going to. Oh yes, much to look forward to. Hopefully I don't bore your pants off, and I look forward to JUMPING in feet first to this June blogging adventure with all of you.

Cylce Day 5!!!

Well apparently there is no phantom baby, cause we were about halfway to Vegas on friday when AF decided to rear her ugly head. Lol. Trusty Vegas. Seems like seriously every time we go there it's magically AF time. I'm thinking i still might get checked out at Planned Parenthood this or next week because a 93 day cycle is just so not cool.

Our Vegas trip was super fun, even if it was too cold to go swimming a majority of the time. We had some delicious food, got to hang out with family, and got to see Penn & Teller, which was the highlight of the trip. We taught our little dog how to swim, even though he's not a huge fan of it, he did enjoy hanging out on the pool float and chillin with his toys. That dog played so many hours of fetch it was effing ridiculous. He never ever gets tired of fetching things. That sh*t cray.

There's only about 2 months till our 2 year anniversary, and after that we can get on the adoption list. We're excited and nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time. We figure we should get on the list now rather than wait since it's probable we'll have to wait a rather long time to be placed with a child anyway. Supposedly though, since we're not looking for a newborn, our wait will be a little bit shorter. Either way, it's a super exciting time. We're all full of hope and enthusiasm and that's good.

I have a job interview this week. I'm looking forward to it. It's not exactly something i want to do for the rest of my life, but it's something that will do for now. At least until school starts around July/August.

How's everything going with all of you? Mystery readers that i never hear from, stop by, say hi, so i know you're not a bot. lol.

Cycle Day 94 and Vegas!

Today we're heading to Vegas for the holiday weekend. I'm rather looking forward to it. Gonna lounge by the pool all day and eat really nommy delicious foods at night. It's gonna be epic. Today is cycle day 94 as i figure it. So if there is a phantom baby in there, like Hubbs and i are increasingly convinced there is... i would be like... 2 1/2 months along i think. lol. I've gotten fed up with waiting and waiting and endlessly peeing on sticks that come up negative. At this point, something is up, and i've gotta get checked out.

My regular doctor wants to charge $85 for a visit and that won't even include labs. Right now i'm already paying off a whopping total of around $500 for all of the last doctor's visits i had with my crappy insurance that never covered anything. Luckily, the Planned Parenthood around here still does income based appointments. That's a huge lifesaver. Hopefully i can squeeze in an appointment next week (after vacation of course) and get this whole thing figured out once and for all. 

Anyways. I hope you all of a fantastic holiday weekend and don't forget that even though for most people, Monday is just a day off from work or school... remember that it is a day that we remember those who have fallen. Whether or not you are pro or anti-war, you should respect the people who sacrificed their lives to keep others safe.

Cycle Day 83, Carnivore Status

So Day 83, still no AF. Somehow, in the time that i've given up eating meat, i've managed to gain 2lbs. Man, i am so super awesome. Hubbs is still convinced that i'm just gonna magically pop out a baby in like, 6-7 months. It'll be hilarious. BFN's all around and a weird twinging pain kinda by my right hip area. Oh well. We'll just wait and see what happens.

We're most likely going to have the consultation with the specialist sometime next month. Since i'll get 50% off for going to their seminar thing. Definitely worth it. To get an ultrasound, and full diagnostic tests for a mere $115 sounds like a spectacular deal. So i'll let you know how that goes.

I read Jenn Knepper's blog over at Maybe If You Just Relax. Her Blog has been a source of comfort and laughs during our IF struggle. I was incredibly saddened to read about the passing of her daughter Ainsley. Her adorable chubby little chipmunk cheeks and amazing smile made me think that anything was possible and helped bring joy to my sad days. If she could smile and laugh connected to tubes and monitors and everything else, what did i have to be sad about? My thoughts and prayers are with them.

In the short time i managed to stop eating meat, i also managed to gain around 3lbs. WTF. Back to meat it is! lol. I definitely need to be better about working out more as well. I found all of these yoga and pilates videos on netflix, but find that my giant fat belly gets in the way of some of the poses. Maybe i'll do the pregnancy yoga one and just pretend there's a chubby baby in there instead of a much more likely food baby.

Hubbs and i seem to be at each other's throats a bit more lately. I feel like i've been a major b*tch cause it was Mother's Day. Absolute worst holiday idea ever. Eff it.

Tomorrow night is the first meeting of my church infertility support group that i guess i'm sort of the leader of. I'm looking forward to it and kind of dreading it at the same time. Maybe no one will show up, but if they do, i'll be happy to chat and hopefully help make the struggle a little less difficult. At least knowing that you're not alone in the fight can make it seem less painful.

Cycle Day 78

Seriously at this point all i have to say is WTF!??!! Still no sign of AF at all. No symptoms of any kind of anything. Just what the hell is going on here?! I have that stupid referral to the RE but we're waiting till they have another seminar so we can get 50% off the consulation.

I got my hopes all hyped up reading about women who test negative on both blood and urine tests until 3-6 months into their pregnancies. Doesn't help that one of Hubbs' co-workers had a dream that we got pregnant. lol. It just sucks when you want something so badly and let yourself get your hopes up only to have them dashed again. I don't know how the couples who go through this for years and years make it thought. We're only 9 months into this and it is just so draining.

It's ok though. The timing isn't exactly ideal. I'm supposed to start school in 2 months for a year-long program. It just would have been nice to have our little dream come true when we least expected it.

Blaaaaarg

I had health insurance for one glorious day. lol. Turns out Hubbs was getting much less than we originally thought for his student loans for the summer. Which basically means we have like, $900 to survive with food/gas/etc till august. I know we can make it. It just sucks. A super crappy time to lose my job i guess.

I'm seriously thinking about going back to school now. There's a program about an hour commute from here that i think i would like. As a student there you can also get discounted bus passes, and it's no more expensive than the school i was attending last semester.  I think i will inquire and at least see if it would be feasible to start in the fall. We'll see.

My mother-in-law is in town and we're heading out to dinner with her tonight with his eldest sister and her family. Should be a lot of fun. I always feel so weird around Hubbs' mom. She's just so frumpy and weak and everything i never want to be when i get older. I know that's so horrible to say... just something i'll need to get over i guess.

I think i've lost a few inches since i've started the pescetarian thing. Just an inch here and there... but i feel slightly better, which is a good thing. I also seem to fart a lot more. lol. Not sure if that's because of the new diet or because of something else. lol. Super weird. Also, still no AF. No hope of AF even coming at this point. Planned Parenthood (a few of the ones i've been to) used to be income based when you made an appointment, i wonder if the ones around here are... I can't remember. I think i went once when we first moved here. Oh well. After 3 negative pregnancy tests, pretty sure i'm not pregnant, and won't be any time soon if AF never comes. This is so incredibly frustrating. At least if i were pregnant i could get medicare or something.

I've applied to a bazillion new jobs over the last few days and i'm seriously hoping that i actually at least get an interview for one. There's one that i have my heart set on. Should find out within the next 10 days if i was selected for an interview. I want it so bad! lol. Trying not to get my hopes up too much though because i know that there's only a slim chance of getting it. Wish me luck none the less though

Cycle day... 70-ish?

Seriously, where the hell is AF? No idea. Hubbs is still convinced i'm preggers despite the multiple negative pregnancy tests. This cycle is just really weird and makes absolutely no sense.

I quit my job. Currently applying for an obnoxious number of other jobs, hopefully one sticks. lol.

Hubbs starts school in a few weeks, he's looking forward to it and should graduate by January 2013. Hurray.

We have a new niece! She was born 4/26 and looks exactly like every other baby. lol. They all look the same to me.

I've been doing a lot of reading lately, way more trips to the library. But i mean, what else am i gonna do with all of this free time?

I've been good about sticking to my pescetarian diet. We found veggie burgers at Burger King and Red Robin, lots of tasty fish options other places. It's actually been pretty easy. It feels like my clothes fit a little bit better, but i still feel like a fatty. I'm sure after a few more months of eating healthier and working out that i'll notice more of a difference.

Roller Derby is going pretty well. I've gotten myself a standing NSO (non-skating official) job at the bouts and it should only be a matter of weeks before i'm a skating ref! woo!

I'm tired a lot. So very tired. And hungry. lol. Maybe the stress of the last year is hitting me, i don't know. I find it kind of funny though that Hubbs is pushing me to get a new job... he was unemployed for an ENTIRE year and i said NOTHING! Kind of pisses me off. Maybe this is my year to sit at home and do nothing all day while he brings home the bacon. (figurative bacon of course... although i do find myself wishing there was some tasty bacon in the house... NO! bad me! NO BACON!) I don't know, i'm sure i'll get over it.

Day 5 Meat-Free

So far it has been kinda easy to avoid eating meat. I feel kinda hungry all the time though. lol. I've worked out only one day so far. It's funny, when the docs told me to give up wheat, corn, and soy, i basically stopped eating all carbs, i was crazy hungry all the time. This is a little bit better. I think one of the easiest ways that people lose weight by adapting their diet to exclude meat is that it's way easier to avoid fast food. At work though, i invented a sauteed mushroom and grilled cheese sandwich. It was pretty good. Apparently in some places Burger King and McDonald's have a veggie burger. Haven't checked yet to see if they have one here. lol. I'm thinking i might allow chicken once a month though, because Hubbs and i really do love our Buffalo Wild Wings. Hubbs is super excited about the NFL Draft, you'd think it was Christmas or something. He is that crazy excited. He really wants his team (the Seahawks) to get a good pick. It's really cute.

I started reading the Percy Jackson books, they are actually pretty good. I love finding a new author's style that i like. He has at least 3 book series out and i've got all of them on hold at the library. lol. I'm 3 books into the Percy Jackson series, and have the first 2 books of the Olympians series (which is still about camp half-blood, but with different main characters), still waiting for the Pyramid series or whatever it's called. The author, Rick Riordan is coming here next month to do a talk thing and i think i might try to get tickets. They're free, so cost isn't an issue, it's just a question of getting my schedule to allow it. I do kinda hope i get to go though.

Still no AF and a BFN

Well here we are at CD47, still no AF. Where is it?!? grrrrr. I took a test the other day just to prove to Hubbs that i am not indeed pregnant. Of course i'm not. Just what the heck is going on here?

In other news my butt is feeling better so that's a good thing.

I threw a baby shower for my sister-in-law yesterday. Went surprisingly well. Even though i spent a lot of money on it and no one offered to pitch in, only one person made a headband, and only one person ate my cupcakes. Why did i even bother making all of that crap. Also, like 50% of the party cancelled about 10 mins before it was supposed to start. So that was interesting. The punch i made was effing delicious though. For serious.

Imaginary Pregnancy

So Hubbs is convinced that i'm pregnant. I don't know why, but he is. This would be like, day... i mean sure, we're on cycle day 48 today and AF is still nowhere in sight. Maybe i haven't O'd yet, or maybe i have. Who knows. One slight disadvantage to not tracking fricking anything this cycle. I still need to research whether or not going off Clomid lengthens your cycle, i'm pretty sure it does.

Anyway I don't know. I'm gonna take another test next week. It's just a super weird cycle. Hubbs is really happy about this imaginary pregnancy. I know deep down that there's no way, absolutely none that we magically get pregnant the first cycle after being referred to an RE. It just doesn't happen. Maybe it does. But not to us. We're not lucky like that.

So we're trying to apply for individual health insurance. Hubbs' application is still pending and i was rejected the same damn day i applied. I'm now uninsurable due to PCOS, infertility, metformin, and being a giant fatty. There was a picture of me from something a few weeks ago... and i seriously just had to take a step back and say to myself "holy $hit, you have gotten really fat" It was super depressing. I need to do something, even with a broken ass, i need to just give up and become a vegetarian or something. Anyway, so now i'm applying for the high risk pool insurance coverage. Hopefully i get it. Coverage would be able to start in July, so that'll be nice. But i am seriously going to make a conscious effort to actually lose weight. I will make some goals here so that i can be held accountable... even though i do this blog anonymously.

1. No meat. Fish is the only acceptable protein.
2. Eggs/cheese/milk are ok.
3. No soda/sugary drinks.
4. Exercise for at least 30 mins every day.

And that should be good to start. I'm not going to do this by weight, because i'm too lazy to buy a scale, so i'm going to go by how my clothes fit and how i feel.