Today I slept in till about 1pm. Pretty much did nothing the whole day. Did my usual morning stuff, reading the news, blogs, postsecret. Yay for postsecret sundays! Gave the dog a bath, then played video games for several hours.
I did manage to make an awesome dinner. Ribeye steaks with a roasted heirloom tomato risotto. It was super delicious.
I don't know why I'm feeling so blah lately. It could be that I'm steadily becoming more and more aware of how fat I've gotten. Even my ankles are swollen today. I've got to be at least 300lbs now. The last time I got weighed, which was a few weeks ago I think, I was 295lbs or something around there. So depressing. Yet I can't seem to stop myself from going out and eating a fattening meal almost every day. I seriously seriously need to do something. I can't continue on like this. If I do I'll never be able to have kids and will most likely die. So I make myself a promise here to all of you and to myself. I WILL DO THIS! I will start working out at least 30 mins a day. Even if that means just going for a walk for 30 mins. The dog needs walks, he likes walks, I should be nice and take him on walks. I will not sneak out and eat meals on my own like, 3 hours before/after dinner. I will stop drinking soda.
I'm sure doing this will help improve my self-esteem as well and make me feel way more sexy in the bedroom. Maybe my clothes will actually fit and I won't have to wear dresses all the time. I'm like one step away from mu-mu land. I have one pair of pants that fit at the moment and they're maternity pants. This shame I share with you, dear people of the interwebs. Someone should know. Someone should hold me accountable for what I've done to myself with food.
It's funny, when I was younger, and my mother would verbally abuse me and criticize me for being fat... I really wasn't that fat. I was a bit chubby, but never overweight according to the doctor's standards. Now here I am as an adult and I have indeed let myself get super fat. Maybe I let myself get fat because I think I deserve it. I really don't know. Today is the day though. I'm going to make the change that is so desperately needed in my life. I really wish I could get on the Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I am far to terrified to try out for one of those shows. It's not that I don't want to, I would love to have Bob yelling in my face to bike faster or not to give up. It's the idea of laying everything bare to the world. Showing everyone what I've done to myself and letting people see how much I've let myself go.
Wow, this post is super depressing. I feel like it needed to be said though. Now I can look back on this blog in five months or so, and know that this is moment where I decided to change my life and love myself for it.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Saturday, June 9, 2012
A Blah Day
Today is just one of those kinds of days. I'm kind of sick, think there might be a cold brewing. Or maybe my allergies are getting ready to whoop my ass. Everything just seems kind of meh.
I've been sitting at this computer for almost 2 hours now, no idea what I want to do. The majority of my days are spent playing video games. What else am I going to do? I've applied to an obnoxious amount of jobs over the last month and am waiting to hear back. I don't start school till August. I should be using this time to get in shape... but I feel like I have some sort of mental block about it. It's almost like I enjoy being protected by this safe layer of fat.
Does anyone else constantly live in terror that some strangers is going to mistake them for being pregnant? Seriously. All of my fat is in my stomach. Granted, there's a bit of pudge making it's way up to my second chin now. If someone did come up to me and ask me when I was due or something similar I have no idea what I would do. Would I cry? Would I verbally assault them with a slur of profanities and yell unintelligibly that I'm not, in fact, pregnant but just really fat in the middle? When people ask me if we have any kids I somehow manage to resist the urge to yell "No, I don't, and I can't have any! Thanks for bringing it up!" and run away screaming like a lunatic. Maybe I'd survive the dreaded someone asking you if you're pregnant when you're not situation too...
I think I might just go back to bed. Maybe this is one of those days that is best tackled from the safety of a warm bed, snuggled under the covers.
I've been sitting at this computer for almost 2 hours now, no idea what I want to do. The majority of my days are spent playing video games. What else am I going to do? I've applied to an obnoxious amount of jobs over the last month and am waiting to hear back. I don't start school till August. I should be using this time to get in shape... but I feel like I have some sort of mental block about it. It's almost like I enjoy being protected by this safe layer of fat.
Does anyone else constantly live in terror that some strangers is going to mistake them for being pregnant? Seriously. All of my fat is in my stomach. Granted, there's a bit of pudge making it's way up to my second chin now. If someone did come up to me and ask me when I was due or something similar I have no idea what I would do. Would I cry? Would I verbally assault them with a slur of profanities and yell unintelligibly that I'm not, in fact, pregnant but just really fat in the middle? When people ask me if we have any kids I somehow manage to resist the urge to yell "No, I don't, and I can't have any! Thanks for bringing it up!" and run away screaming like a lunatic. Maybe I'd survive the dreaded someone asking you if you're pregnant when you're not situation too...
I think I might just go back to bed. Maybe this is one of those days that is best tackled from the safety of a warm bed, snuggled under the covers.
Friday, June 8, 2012
I Can Has New Friends?
There are few things that I'm terrible at. As we've learned this week... math is one of them. The other thing I pretty much suck at is making new friends. We've lived here for about 2 years now, and how many friends do we have to show for it? ZERO. Well, we have Hubbs' two sisters and their husbands, but I'm pretty sure they have to hang out with us, 'cause you know, they're family.
I had a few work friends. People you hang out with at work and during break or whatever, but never see outside of work. This last time around in school I didn't even have any class friends. Same as work friends, but obviously with classes instead of work. It takes me forever to trust people. FOR-EV-ER. I have a few close friends from college that I'm still pals with. Hey, my best friend in the whole wide world I, in fact, strongly disliked the first time I met her. Took me a whole semester to warm up to her. Trust is something that must be earned, I've always believed that. I apply that to my professional and personal life and will continue to do so. Another good one is "better safe than dead," I live by that one too.
I wish I could make friends easily, I really do. I know it's something I'll have to work of for the rest of my life. I guess it's a good thing I know that about myself though.
The only time I've ever really had people jump into my life, was when Hubbs and I got engaged. All of a sudden I had a new set of parents and five new siblings. All of them wanting to get to know me and spend time with me. It was nice. I just have one brother. I like to think that Hubbs' eldest sister and I have actually become friends. There are a few of his family members though, that are just meh. Like it wouldn't make much of a difference to me if we ever spoke or spent time together. I'm not sure if that just makes me a bitch, or if that makes me normal. I won't worry about it too much.
I had a few work friends. People you hang out with at work and during break or whatever, but never see outside of work. This last time around in school I didn't even have any class friends. Same as work friends, but obviously with classes instead of work. It takes me forever to trust people. FOR-EV-ER. I have a few close friends from college that I'm still pals with. Hey, my best friend in the whole wide world I, in fact, strongly disliked the first time I met her. Took me a whole semester to warm up to her. Trust is something that must be earned, I've always believed that. I apply that to my professional and personal life and will continue to do so. Another good one is "better safe than dead," I live by that one too.
I wish I could make friends easily, I really do. I know it's something I'll have to work of for the rest of my life. I guess it's a good thing I know that about myself though.
The only time I've ever really had people jump into my life, was when Hubbs and I got engaged. All of a sudden I had a new set of parents and five new siblings. All of them wanting to get to know me and spend time with me. It was nice. I just have one brother. I like to think that Hubbs' eldest sister and I have actually become friends. There are a few of his family members though, that are just meh. Like it wouldn't make much of a difference to me if we ever spoke or spent time together. I'm not sure if that just makes me a bitch, or if that makes me normal. I won't worry about it too much.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Getting All Nostalgic Up in Here
As I may have previously mentioned, my 10 year high school reunion is this month. This makes me feel crazy old. I know, people will say something about how I'm a baby compared to them and blah blah. I say phooey. It feels like I should have done more in those 10 years. I mean, sure I got a B.A. and went to culinary school and EMT school... but it's not like I have an awesome job to brag about. I don't even have a job at all right now. I do have an great husband though, pretty sure only a handful of people from my graduating class are married at all. I don't know, I guess it's just that my life isn't exactly where I thought it would be 10 years out of school. A lot of that feeling has to do with the crummy economy and my inability to make babies, so I guess it's ok.
This reminder of my high school days and such has gotten me all nostalgic. I joined the reunion group on facebook. I also went around and FB stalked a bunch of my old college friends and friended them again. I used to have this weird 100 friend rule. I refused to have more than 100 facebook friends because it didn't seem to me like I would really have that many close friends. I realize now that I actually talk to my real friends... I should use FB to stalk the old friends that I wish I still talked to and see how they're doing and what they're up to in their lives. Massive friending spree of fun. I also texted a bunch of my old friends just to say hi. I don't know if it's because I really don't have any good friends here yet, or if it is just nostalgia, but I guess you really don't need a reason to say hey to a pal.
I would also like to give a warm friendly welcome to the influx of new readers stopping by from blogher.com! I'm having so much fun going on this June jump adventure with all of you. Feel free to comment and call me a jerk or say nice things, I welcome it all. I hope you stick around and have fun following in our life adventures.
This reminder of my high school days and such has gotten me all nostalgic. I joined the reunion group on facebook. I also went around and FB stalked a bunch of my old college friends and friended them again. I used to have this weird 100 friend rule. I refused to have more than 100 facebook friends because it didn't seem to me like I would really have that many close friends. I realize now that I actually talk to my real friends... I should use FB to stalk the old friends that I wish I still talked to and see how they're doing and what they're up to in their lives. Massive friending spree of fun. I also texted a bunch of my old friends just to say hi. I don't know if it's because I really don't have any good friends here yet, or if it is just nostalgia, but I guess you really don't need a reason to say hey to a pal.
I would also like to give a warm friendly welcome to the influx of new readers stopping by from blogher.com! I'm having so much fun going on this June jump adventure with all of you. Feel free to comment and call me a jerk or say nice things, I welcome it all. I hope you stick around and have fun following in our life adventures.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Asshat Status
Well, it's official... math without a calculator is impossible for me. I am a complete idiot. I aced every single other section of the test, including math with a calculator. lol. I utterly and epically failed at the "make your brain do math" section. I was given 25 questions for that section, I ran out of time around question 11 and only managed to get 6 right. According the the way the test results are to be interpreted, I'm pretty sure that means I have the equivalent math skills of a 2nd grader...I took math in college! I swear I did! I mean, granted, it was logic and not number math. You know, the "If A=B and B=C, Then A=C." I was totally awesome at that. Stupid numbers ruining my life. So if I wanted to get into the certificate program now, I'd have to wait 3 months and take the test again. No thank you.
There is however, a silver lining to this madness. The same school has another welding program that leads to an Associate's Degree. This is perfect. I can easily transfer all of the gen-ed requirements from my old B.A. and finish in the same amount of time. The best part is that my assessment scores from my previous school are acceptable as well, so that means no remedial math for me! I can jump right in to Math for Welders. Oh get excited people! It's such a relief to know that our plans are not completely ruined by the fact that I'm an imbecile.
It was also a fun day because since Hubbs and I decided to make an adventure out of the day, we brought our little furbaby (also my service dog) with us. It was great finally having him with me on campus and whilst we were playing tourists. No one stopped and asked me weird questions, no one intruded and asked me if he actually was a service dog. It was really nice to just feel normal for the day. We braved the insane winds and shockingly cold temperatures and walked around the city snapping pictures of pretty much everything. Definitely a day I'll treasure for a long time.
The prompt today was about what I would do if time or money weren't an issue. Hubbs and I talk about this all the time! We're always dreaming up schemes about what we're going to do when we retire. Which so far involves getting either an RV or a boat and splitting our time between Maine and Florida. We plan for the next few years ahead and look at houses and possible places we'd like to live. The list so far includes Hawaii, Florida, Virginia, or Washington. Pretty much we're willing to go wherever the jobs are. We pick out houses around town and say what we like or don't like about them. Shockingly our tastes are extremely similar when it comes to houses. We've definitely agreed that at some point we would like a sun room and a hot tub, possibly a hot tub in a sun room. lol. We so this also while naming potential future children. It's really fun and since we are so poor now and live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, we love thinking and wishing about the future together. I think it helps us grow closer together and helps keep us on the same page so that years down the road when we finally do get to pick our house, it's the one we've both been looking for.
There is however, a silver lining to this madness. The same school has another welding program that leads to an Associate's Degree. This is perfect. I can easily transfer all of the gen-ed requirements from my old B.A. and finish in the same amount of time. The best part is that my assessment scores from my previous school are acceptable as well, so that means no remedial math for me! I can jump right in to Math for Welders. Oh get excited people! It's such a relief to know that our plans are not completely ruined by the fact that I'm an imbecile.
It was also a fun day because since Hubbs and I decided to make an adventure out of the day, we brought our little furbaby (also my service dog) with us. It was great finally having him with me on campus and whilst we were playing tourists. No one stopped and asked me weird questions, no one intruded and asked me if he actually was a service dog. It was really nice to just feel normal for the day. We braved the insane winds and shockingly cold temperatures and walked around the city snapping pictures of pretty much everything. Definitely a day I'll treasure for a long time.
The prompt today was about what I would do if time or money weren't an issue. Hubbs and I talk about this all the time! We're always dreaming up schemes about what we're going to do when we retire. Which so far involves getting either an RV or a boat and splitting our time between Maine and Florida. We plan for the next few years ahead and look at houses and possible places we'd like to live. The list so far includes Hawaii, Florida, Virginia, or Washington. Pretty much we're willing to go wherever the jobs are. We pick out houses around town and say what we like or don't like about them. Shockingly our tastes are extremely similar when it comes to houses. We've definitely agreed that at some point we would like a sun room and a hot tub, possibly a hot tub in a sun room. lol. We so this also while naming potential future children. It's really fun and since we are so poor now and live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, we love thinking and wishing about the future together. I think it helps us grow closer together and helps keep us on the same page so that years down the road when we finally do get to pick our house, it's the one we've both been looking for.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
TABE Test
Today I'm being forced to drive an hour each way and may $35 to go prove to my new school that I have at least an 8th grade education. This baffles me. Granted, I graduated high school 10 years ago (my reunion is next month! Madness), but my B.A. is still pretty fresh. I graduated from university 5 years ago now, still a bit of time, but I'm pretty sure that demonstrates the fact that I can spell and use basic math. Of course, years of spellcheckers and calculators may have rotted my brain, so if I fail this test, I'm going to feel like a total asshat.
Hubbs and I decided we should make a little adventure of it. We're gonna drive up with our furbaby and go to this delicious burger place and maybe walk around town a little bit. We'd been meaning to tour the city's hotspots for a while, and today seems like a good excuse to be tourists and have a little fun.
I am glad this is happening today though, because it means that I may get to start school this month. That's super. I was previously told that the only openings started in July, but during our most recent conversation, my evil witch of an adviser indicated that there were openings much sooner. I really hope I like this program. After culinary school, EMT school, university, etc, I still have yet to find a career. I want this to be the one. All of our plans for the next 2 years kind of hinge on me sticking with it.
I'm thinking about BBT charting again. It's kind of a pain and causes me a lot more frustration, but it'll be nice to know if I actually manage to get a temperature shift this time. For all of you I'll do it. lol. I will share my wacky BBT roller-coaster with all of you. I'm telling you now though, if it turn out I have another 94-day cycle, I'm probably gonna give up halfway through and throw my thermometer off of our balcony in a fit of rage.
Hubbs and I decided we should make a little adventure of it. We're gonna drive up with our furbaby and go to this delicious burger place and maybe walk around town a little bit. We'd been meaning to tour the city's hotspots for a while, and today seems like a good excuse to be tourists and have a little fun.
I am glad this is happening today though, because it means that I may get to start school this month. That's super. I was previously told that the only openings started in July, but during our most recent conversation, my evil witch of an adviser indicated that there were openings much sooner. I really hope I like this program. After culinary school, EMT school, university, etc, I still have yet to find a career. I want this to be the one. All of our plans for the next 2 years kind of hinge on me sticking with it.
I'm thinking about BBT charting again. It's kind of a pain and causes me a lot more frustration, but it'll be nice to know if I actually manage to get a temperature shift this time. For all of you I'll do it. lol. I will share my wacky BBT roller-coaster with all of you. I'm telling you now though, if it turn out I have another 94-day cycle, I'm probably gonna give up halfway through and throw my thermometer off of our balcony in a fit of rage.
Monday, June 4, 2012
Jump Back in Time
Well last night we jumped back in time! Watching my Bat Mitzvah tape was delightful. I had forgotten the significance of it all and it was so nice to see some of my family members that are no longer with us. It was also super weird seeing my parents so young and with so much hair. It was nice to see young, skinnier me as well. Before PCOS and insulin resistance and all of these other things turned me into a fatty. I should have wondered if something was up when despite playing sports for hours and hours every day I never managed to lose any weight.
The Hubbs and I have been having fun toying around with potential names for our future children. It's awesome. We have one boy and one girl name that we're rather settled on. The girl one is definitely unique, but we like the nickname we're gonna make out of it. This is all of course assuming we have any children. I'm glad I've gotten to the point where I can joke about it. Back before all of this, I thought I wanted six kids. We were talking about it last night with Hubbs' sister and her husband. I managed to make a joke of it and give Hubbs a high five while saying we'd be lucky to have just one. I do feel though like as a months go by, I am getting so much better at coping with everything. I'm so happy that I'm not constantly sad anymore. I don't even feel broken. I feel hopeful and that hope makes me so incredibly happy.
My seminar is on the 12th. Not really terribly excited. I assume I'll just learn a bunch of things that I already know and come away thinking it was a waste of a 30min drive, but kind of worth it for the consultation discount. Assuming we even go to the consultation. I've told Hubbs to think about it. He had apparently forgotten. I'm sure I can scrounge up the money somewhere and just go on my own. I would at least like to know what the next treatment options are. Hubbs isn't too concerned with any time factors. But I'll be 30 soon, and then it's a hop, skip, and a jump to 35 and the odds are increasingly not in your favor at that point.
The Hubbs and I have been having fun toying around with potential names for our future children. It's awesome. We have one boy and one girl name that we're rather settled on. The girl one is definitely unique, but we like the nickname we're gonna make out of it. This is all of course assuming we have any children. I'm glad I've gotten to the point where I can joke about it. Back before all of this, I thought I wanted six kids. We were talking about it last night with Hubbs' sister and her husband. I managed to make a joke of it and give Hubbs a high five while saying we'd be lucky to have just one. I do feel though like as a months go by, I am getting so much better at coping with everything. I'm so happy that I'm not constantly sad anymore. I don't even feel broken. I feel hopeful and that hope makes me so incredibly happy.
My seminar is on the 12th. Not really terribly excited. I assume I'll just learn a bunch of things that I already know and come away thinking it was a waste of a 30min drive, but kind of worth it for the consultation discount. Assuming we even go to the consultation. I've told Hubbs to think about it. He had apparently forgotten. I'm sure I can scrounge up the money somewhere and just go on my own. I would at least like to know what the next treatment options are. Hubbs isn't too concerned with any time factors. But I'll be 30 soon, and then it's a hop, skip, and a jump to 35 and the odds are increasingly not in your favor at that point.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Murder in My Kitchen
So this morning the Hubbs knocked over a giant bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce... the huge glass costco bottle. Needless to say, it shattered all over the floor and it looked like someone had been murdered in our kitchen. Good times. We don't keep paper towels in the apartment either, so the poor guy had to clean it all up using a roll of toilet paper. There are a few handprint-like streaks across the top of the garbage can too. Luckily I like horror movies, so I'm cool with it. lol.
Tonight we're going over to Hubbs' eldest sister's house. We're gonna have dinner, let our nieces and nephew play with our dog, and watch my Bat Mitzvah video. I was raised Jewish, did the whole shebang, and wound up converting to something else about four years ago. I haven't watched the tape ever, I'm really curious to see it. Jump back in time and see 13 year-old me rocking it like a boss. Hubbs' sister wanted her family to watch it cause none of them have ever seen a Bat Mitzvah and she wants her kids to be exposed to lots of different religions/cultures/etc. Should be fun. Maybe we'll get to squeeze in some board game fun too after the kids go to bed.
Tonight we're going over to Hubbs' eldest sister's house. We're gonna have dinner, let our nieces and nephew play with our dog, and watch my Bat Mitzvah video. I was raised Jewish, did the whole shebang, and wound up converting to something else about four years ago. I haven't watched the tape ever, I'm really curious to see it. Jump back in time and see 13 year-old me rocking it like a boss. Hubbs' sister wanted her family to watch it cause none of them have ever seen a Bat Mitzvah and she wants her kids to be exposed to lots of different religions/cultures/etc. Should be fun. Maybe we'll get to squeeze in some board game fun too after the kids go to bed.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Book Clubbing it Up.
So for years I've wanted to join a book club, and I figured you know what, now is the time! I have no job, no school, nothing really to prevent me from spending all of my time reading. I did not however like the idea of sitting in a room with a bunch of ladies discussing some book i have absolutely no interest in. Thank heavens for the Vaginal Fantasy Book Club started by some lovely geeky ladies. So every month, they get online and do a Google+ hangout whilst discussing that month's book. The club focuses on romance novels that have a paranormal/sci fi/fantasy theme. I watched the first 5 hangouts in a giant marathon and laughed my ass off. I picked up this month's selection at my local library and am a few chapters in so far. Can't wait till the hangout on the 25th.
I like having these silly things to look forward to. I've got my roller derby, I've got my book club, and I've got a wonderful husband and furbaby. School is starting soon, possibly even this month, depending on the wait list. Plenty of good to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and refuses to make babies.
Even though AF magically decided to show up, I am still rather concerned about the 94 day cycle. I really have to make that Dr's appointment. I have the Infertility seminar in a few weeks. I'm only going for the 50% off on our consultation. Which if all goes according to plan, will be this month as well. It will be nice to finally know exactly what we're dealing with in terms of my lady bits. We'll get Hubbs tested too, cause it would be good to know whether the problem is just with me or with both of us. I like the idea of knowing our options for treatment and just how much money we get to look forward to spending. That part is a little less pleasant.
I had a job interview on Thursday. Not really sure how well it went. It's seriously the second time that I've been asked to fill out a job application online after completing the interview. It seems like a complete waste of time for companies to do that, but ok. Hopefully I get it. The job starts in July-ish, has crappy benefits, and doesn't conflict with my school schedule. lol. What else could you want in a place-holder kind of job?
I like having these silly things to look forward to. I've got my roller derby, I've got my book club, and I've got a wonderful husband and furbaby. School is starting soon, possibly even this month, depending on the wait list. Plenty of good to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and refuses to make babies.
Even though AF magically decided to show up, I am still rather concerned about the 94 day cycle. I really have to make that Dr's appointment. I have the Infertility seminar in a few weeks. I'm only going for the 50% off on our consultation. Which if all goes according to plan, will be this month as well. It will be nice to finally know exactly what we're dealing with in terms of my lady bits. We'll get Hubbs tested too, cause it would be good to know whether the problem is just with me or with both of us. I like the idea of knowing our options for treatment and just how much money we get to look forward to spending. That part is a little less pleasant.
I had a job interview on Thursday. Not really sure how well it went. It's seriously the second time that I've been asked to fill out a job application online after completing the interview. It seems like a complete waste of time for companies to do that, but ok. Hopefully I get it. The job starts in July-ish, has crappy benefits, and doesn't conflict with my school schedule. lol. What else could you want in a place-holder kind of job?
Friday, June 1, 2012
Jump on in
When I hear the word "jump" I think of the obvious things, cannonballs into pools, trampolines, cliff diving. All things I enjoyed in my youthful summers at camp. Now that I am older and far more boring I've realized that "jump on in" is kind of my life's motto.
After college, I wound up moving back in with my folks, as so many are doing these days. I jumped right in to culinary school, then EMT school. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and things got hard at home, I moved away in about a week. I met my husband, we met then got married all within the span of 6 months. I jumped back into school last semester and am starting a new one this summer.
I'm not sure what this says about me. I could put a positive spin on it and say that it means that I'm adaptable, not that I'm impulsive and make rash decisions. I don't think I would change that about myself though. Every one of those decisions lead to something great. Every time I fearlessly tried something new, I learned more about myself. How else can you find what makes you happy unless you're willing to try to find it?
I'm glad that now, as we pursue the dream of starting a family, that I'm able to jump on in. While there's a slight trepidation at this daunting task, I'm hopeful and know that it will all work out. Just like everything I've jumped into over the years. Things may not turn out exactly the way you want, but as long as you take a lesson from the experience, they'll turn out the way they were meant to.
So if I have to stick needles in my butt every day or pop pills every day again, if I have to be an emotional wreck because of all of the crazy hormones, or even if we decide to give up treatment all together, I'll do it. I'll jump right on in and know that no matter the outcome, I did everything I could, and wasn't afraid to try.
After college, I wound up moving back in with my folks, as so many are doing these days. I jumped right in to culinary school, then EMT school. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and things got hard at home, I moved away in about a week. I met my husband, we met then got married all within the span of 6 months. I jumped back into school last semester and am starting a new one this summer.
I'm not sure what this says about me. I could put a positive spin on it and say that it means that I'm adaptable, not that I'm impulsive and make rash decisions. I don't think I would change that about myself though. Every one of those decisions lead to something great. Every time I fearlessly tried something new, I learned more about myself. How else can you find what makes you happy unless you're willing to try to find it?
I'm glad that now, as we pursue the dream of starting a family, that I'm able to jump on in. While there's a slight trepidation at this daunting task, I'm hopeful and know that it will all work out. Just like everything I've jumped into over the years. Things may not turn out exactly the way you want, but as long as you take a lesson from the experience, they'll turn out the way they were meant to.
So if I have to stick needles in my butt every day or pop pills every day again, if I have to be an emotional wreck because of all of the crazy hormones, or even if we decide to give up treatment all together, I'll do it. I'll jump right on in and know that no matter the outcome, I did everything I could, and wasn't afraid to try.
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