Temps and Taxes

My BBT so far seems to be a little more consistent this cycle. Every day kind of hovering around the 97.5 range. I'mma take this as a good thing, cause last cycle was all, high, LOW, slightly higher, bippity boppity boo. So anyway, this is what we're looking at so far.


The other website i use is looking like this. The temps here look a little more erratic because the temp scale is 1 degree instead of 2 (like the above chart).

So right now i'm leaning towards optimism. Definitely looking better when compared to last month.

I'm also apparently doing my OPK's right. Some websites say to test later in the day to get a better result, but i read my brand's instruction sheet thing and it definitely says to use FMU. So i'mma keep waking up at the same time every day, taking my BBT and peeing in a cup right after that. lol.

In other news, i am crazy tired today. Woke up earlier than usual after going to bed around 1am. Was running around school for about 10 hours today. Now i am super super sleepy, but i have to stay up for another hour and a half because Hubbs and i have to have to get to baby-making. Not to mention i'm still kind of emotionally drained from the meds and crying yesterday. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. A day where we get to file our taxes!!! I'm so unnaturally excited to file. We should get a big fat refund this year, and that makes me happy, cause that means we'll have the extra money for health insurance!!! YAY! That means we'll get to go to the RE after all! VERY GOOD NEWS!

I bought the tickets today for the Valentine's Ball. I am so looking forward to a night of dinner, dancing, and feeling like a princess. Every girl needs to feel like a princess every once in a while. Especially when most of the time, you feel like a fat, bloated, beached whale that somehow manages to devour everything in sight. I have 3 dress options. One being my wedding dress. Curious to see if i still fit in it, even though we got married less than 2 years ago. Maybe i'll go try them on now! We'll see. It should be a fun night though.

We are also very excited for the Super Bowl on sunday. We've picked our wing place, gonna get there like, an hour before the game starts, and just hang out all dang day! lol. Both of us really hate the Patriots so we're sincerely hoping they get their asses whooped. I'm mostly in it just for the commercials, but i wind up getting riled up anyway and yelling at the screen.

So what about you lovely readers? Any fabulous Super Bowl or Valentine's plans?

Balls and Bargains.

So things have been rather blah lately. I've just been going to school, feeling generally down. Having random pelvic pain, not sure if it is from the clomid or from my veins that refuse to behave.

So yesterday was supposed to be day 2 of sex every other day. And we failed. We failed at sex. The preshow was awesome, we were in the middle of trying to make a human and failed epically. It was literally like his penis just got bored and fell asleep. I say we, but i really mean Jr. Hubbs failed. In the whole time that we've been married this has only happened twice (including last night) and i know it's just a thing that happens, but when you're feeling really fat already and are super emotional from baby drugs, which is already soul crushing, it then pulverizes it and turns your soul into a very fine black powder. We're gonna try again today and then do it every other day from today. I mean to be fair, we generally only do have sex maybe 1-2x a week, so asking to jump up to 3-4x a week is a little crazy. Wish us luck, we're gonna need it. lol.

In other news, in 2 weeks, we are going to a Valentine's Ball. Apparently, it's a formal/semi-formal ball that happens once a year in our town. You get all gussied up and dance and eat dinner and party like it's 1999. I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to go with Hubbs' eldest sister and her husband. Make a little double date of it and feel really fancy. I'm so looking forward to it.

Today, we actually made it to church. We sat in the more front rows, so it was good because i couldn't see the babies. I could hear them crying occasionally, but it went better. I only cried like 3 times and this time, it wasn't gut-wrenching sobbing it was more silent tears and sniffles. Far better. People were talking about how when you really want something, and as long as it is a good thing, it will happen. And that kind of bumped me over the edge. Because there's something we want really badly, and have wanted for a long while now... and it's just not happening for us. If this clomid cycle doesn't work then it will be even longer. I'll need something else to do to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and can't make babies. Losing weight would be a good focus. I keep trying to push myself to just do it, you know? I mean Hubbs and i have been playing racquetball, and have been consistently working out 3x a week, which is 3x more than we used to work out. Waiting so long to see results is just frustrating. It's like a constant 2-week wait. It also didn't help that this other chick i know is now pregnant. We saw her a few months ago, and i was like "you know, i totally think she's pregnant" sure it must have been very early and she was barely showing, but i was sure. Then today, BAM! big ol' preggo belly. So hard going through this when literally EVERYONE you know is pregnant. I'm just taking it day by day, and just trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. I was trying to think of more cliches to throw in that sentence, but i'm tired and ran out.

This cycle i also caved and bought some OPK's. Even though right on the box it says PCOS can mess with the results, whatevs. Which are crazy cheap at Walmart compared to Walgreens. I bought the crappy, hard to read Walgreens brand ones. A 20 pack for $20.99 because the fancy digital ClearBlue ones were fricking $55. Then when i was at Walmart for other reasons, i checked and they had the same fancy ones for just $35. I would definitely pay an extra $15 for not having to stress over whether or not the second line is the same darkness as the control line. No positive yet, but not BBT dip yet either, so i'm gonna be hopeful for at least a little while longer.

Apologies Are Awesome

Hubbs came home after church to find me curled in a tiny ball of sadness in bed. He came in and comforted me and apologized for being a huge jerk. He told me that he was sorry for being insensitive and for expecting me to be in the same place he is. Told me to take as long as i need to deal with this and that he will make a better effort to understand my feelings. That the minute he left the house he realized that what he was asking of me was unfair and insensitive.

He really is such a very sweet man. He did his best to make me laugh, which is something he's always good at doing no matter how sad i am. At one point i cried a little more and he just held me. Which was exactly what i needed. I expressed my fears about not being able to afford the RE referral and how i want so badly for this cycle to work.

He told me he loved me and that no matter how long it takes, he'll be with me and support me through it all. Even if it's years and years. He reminded me that i'm still young and that we have plenty of time. He told me that he is certain that when the time is right, we'll have our little miracle and that i will be an amazing mother.

I really do love the heck out of that man and have no idea what i would do without him. I really should do more to remember that even though we're currently unlucky in the baby department, we are extremely lucky in the love department.

How Do I Express...

Let me preface this by letting you know this is a slightly church-y post, so if you are very anti-religion or hate talk of god or whatever, might want to skip this one.

So today Hubbs wanted to go to church. He was all dressed and ready to go when he woke me up. Could i bear to go? No. I know that i'll get there and everything will be fine and then 15 mins later i'll be asking to leave because all of the adorable little babies will make me ball my eyes out.
He then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not going. And said that pulling myself away from church isn't going to help us on our journey to conceiving. That if we need a miracle, we won't get it sitting at home.

I disagree slightly, god is everywhere, and if he really does truly know my pain, then he will forgive me for not being able to work up the courage to go to church.
How can i put into cohesive words how i feel so that Hubbs can understand? Maybe men are just different when it comes to this whole issue, maybe he only thinks about IF sometimes. But for me, it is an ever present monster that just weighs down on me. Constantly wondering why am i still broken, why the drugs aren't working, if we'll ever get to have a baby of our own, if we'll be able to afford everything. How can i express that him telling me to "find a way to get over it" just doesn't cut it. It's not something that i feel that i can just get over. It's like a break-up, you know? It takes time, it's not something that is going to happen overnight. And sure, technically i've been mourning this openly for about 6 months now. It just doesn't feel like something that is going to go away.

This is why i feel like i do need some sort of support group or somewhere to just talk and be listened to. Not have someone try to fix me or try to help me get over it, but just let me sit there and cry and mourn the days when our lives were simple and easy. Where every day wasn't a struggle to get out of bed when all i want to do is lay there and cry. To find a group of people who understand how horrible this feels.

I hate wanting this so badly. Especially when so many years ago i didn't even want to have kids. But now i have this amazing man, who granted, sometimes just doesn't get it, but i want to make a baby with him. Right now that is seeming like such an insurmountable obstacle.
When everyone you know is announcing their pregnancy and throwing their chubby little adorable offspring in your face... how can you not be sad? How can you not want to pull away from the world into your own little bubble of baby-free safety?

What am i supposed to do? How do i express my pain? sorrow? anger? doubt? loss? How do i being the process of "moving on" so i can try to reclaim some little shred of our former lives?

Can You Die From Cramps?

I know you can't. That would be ridiculous. However, It seriously feels like i'm going to. This is like the period from hell. It hurts so incredibly bad. It's like when i first went on Depo in college and when i got my period then i spent 3 days curled in the fetal position whimpering with pain. I'm sorely tempted to do that again... but i have school, school that i would actually like to do well in this time around.

In other news, i get to start clomid in 2 days. Here's to hoping 100mg is the kicker. With the whole insurance issue at the moment, we wouldn't be able to go to the RE that we'd get referred to. Doc said one try at 100mg and if that doesn't make me ovulate, it's off to the RE.

Clomid did seem to shorten my cycle though. My cycle is usually between 36-40 days. This time it was only 34 days. Maybe that's be just being hopeful. But you know, hope is a good thing to cling to at a time like this.

In better, bright news, there's only 6.5 more months until we can get the adoption process rolling. The agency we're going through requires that you be married for 2 years before you can be put on the list. We're looking forward to starting that chapter. We know it could be several years before we actually get lucky enough to have a child placed with us. We're hoping that our desire for a non-newborn will help bump that up a little bit. So that's another hopeful thing to look forward to.

Health Insurance Debacle.

So apparently there will be no recovering from this health insurance thing. We'd have to pay well over $300 to reinstate the old coverage, or pay $140 a month for COBRA coverage including last month and this month at the same time. I am fairly certain that is not in our budget.

I've applied for medicaid including back coverage and really hope that we get approved. It would include health coverage for both Hubbs and me. I've been shopping around for other health insurance stuff as well, but there's seriously just not enough money for it. I have no idea what we are going to do.

This is not good. Not good at all.

If Hubbs manages to pick up shifts at his work, maybe we can swing it... He's not positive what the company's coverage is like. Here's to hoping i guess. Fingers crossed.

Hopeless Cycle

Just got back from the doctor's office. It's official, this cycle is completely hopeless. That's ok though. Now i can move on.

Also, apparently, i have a UTI, which is awesome on top of my constant cramping, pelvic pain from having bad veins, and super sore boobs. I am a complete mess.

In other news, the doctor said that he's just gonna try one more round of clomid with me, and then if we don't see temps or progesterone indicate ovulation, then he's gonna refer me to an RE. Here's to hoping the 100mg works? Even so though, my doctor only does 3 rounds of clomid before referring, so more than likely, come march, we'll be seeing an RE.

The insurance company's customer service is closed today also. darnit, how the heck am i supposed to get all of this worked out if i can't flipping call them?

Hubbs and i hare supposed to go work out today, but man oh man do i feel crummy. Feels like i'm swirling around the outside edge of the pit of despair and trying really hard not to fall in. We are going to costco though, so maybe i can drown myself in a mountain of their gelato, that stuff is amazingly delicious and you get a HUGE 3 scoop cone for like $1.50. Those people make miracles.

WE DID IT!!!

Ok that post title was mean. lol. We aren't quite lucky enough to be pregnant, but we did in fact, stick to a resolution/plan/idea/whatever you wanna call it.

After Hubbs was finished watching the Broncos get their asses whooped, i was like "hey, want to go to the gym?" and shockingly, he said yes. So down we went with our bright eyes and bushy tails. We actually wound up renting some racquetball equipment and played for an hour. First off let me say that i am totally awesome at this game, and secondly, that i freaking LOVE IT! It's such a good workout and you're sweating and grunting and running around like a crack-addicted dog trying to catch a constantly moving ball. Super super fun. I'm even thinking about joining the racquetball club at school cause it was just that fun.

After that i said "alright, that was a good warm-up, now let's go to the gym" Hubbs look like he wanted to kill me and it was super funny. I hopped on the elliptical a Hubbs opted for the stationary bike. I promptly hopped off the elliptical and jumped onto the treadmill cause i thought my legs were gonna fall off. I also decided walking would be better since i need to finish 1.5 miles on friday anyway. So i did .5mi at a rather brisk pace and called it good for now. Hubbs and i have decided that we will go work out a minimum of 3x a week, whether that mean playing racquetball or weight training or cardio, WE WILL GO! Also, interesting tidbit, Hubbs can do pullups, it's super sexy. lol.

So naturally today, you can assume that we are both super sore, and you would be right. I love forgetting about muscles and then have them scream that they hate me the day after working out. Good times.

I peed on a stick again last night just for fun. Obviously it was a BFN, but that's ok. According to my obnoxious ticker down there is says to wait 7 more days anyway. But my bewbs just hurt so darn much!! Seriously painful to the touch now. Oh well, at least i'm seeing the doctor on monday. Maybe i can finagle my way into getting a Beta done so my brain can stop clinging to the hope that i actually am pregnant. I even picked up my next round of Clomid because i know, deep down, that there is NO WAY that i am. But HPTs were on sale at the walgreens when i was getting my clomid and metformin. So i got three 3packs for $9. So we're all stocked up for at least the next 2 cycles. Since you know, after 2 more cycles we get referred to an RE.

Hello readers! Apparently there are a few people actually reading this thing! Who knew!?! Even if you are just spambots or something, i would love comments. You can tell me how much i suck at blogging and babymaking or you can give me some nice words of encouragement or sympathy.

Anyways, apparently my health insurance got cancelled for non-payment. UM WTF?!?! I never received a single notice that i had missed a payment or that i needed to pay anything for that matter. Of course their customer service offices are closed on the weekends so i have to wait till monday to call. Did i mention i have a doctor's appointment monday? Awesome. I'll just pretend i still have insurance, get the $10 copay and rip Cigna a new one when i call after my appointment. I'm going in cause i think i have a UTI. Fun stuff. And also, i want to beg for another Progesterone blood test. Everything i've read indicates you should get tested 7DPO which according to both fancy new BBT charts was near CD25. I am not above begging. That and my doctor is pretty awesome, i'm sure he'll do it just for giggles anyway and to get me off his back. Also i'm gonna bring in my BBT chart and have a trained eye look at it. So i'm not obsessing and going "omg is that an implantation dip" and "where the f*ck is my coverline?" and "omg my temp is still elevated i'm totally preggers!" seriously, it is not healthy. I'm like a crazy person with my chart.

I picked up some gummy prenatal vitamins today because i seriously cannot stand the taste of the ones from costco anymore. First off, they smell like ass. Secondly, if you even touch one with your bare hands, the stink remains on them for the whole day no matter how many times you wash them. I've resorted to pouring the pill onto the inside of the cap and then holding my nose and shoving it in my mouth whilst drinking a beverage. Thirdly, even after you take all those steps to avoid the stink, your burps still taste of horribleness. I do not want to have to taste nastiness the whole freaking day.

I've started school. Managed to survive the first week. YAY ME! Funny story, i have a PE class. A GYM CLASS... IN COLLEGE! Pure madness. Anyways, on friday we have to complete a 1.5mi walk/run/crawl/whatever, do pushups, situps, get our body fat % measured. In other words, i am going to die and then be horrible humiliated all at the same time. I'm pretty sure last time they measured my body fat it was like 50%, it HAS to have gone up. It is going to be awful. But at least i can take heart in the fact that this will probably be the last time i'm humiliated by my body. I have resolved to trick myself into getting this class to turn me into a gym rat. I am gonna work like crazy. This could just be the motivation i've needed to get the ball rolling on fitness. We'll see how long this optimism lasts... kinda hoping it's for a while.

In other news, my bewbs are super sore. Have been since yesterday. I'm hoping it is some sort of good sign and not just that i slept on them weird or something.

Have i mentioned that i have the best husband in the world? Our student loan money finally came in. I bought all of my books and other such fun things. But hubbs surprised me with the best day ever. We went to dinner at Red Lobster. I had a delicious steamed whole lobster. Completely made my year. THEN! We went to Barnes & Noble and he bought me a new Nook Tablet!! I have been wanting one of these for months and finally it is all mine!!! I am very very pleased with it and am so grateful to have a husband willing to do just about anything to make me happy. He is the best. Sometimes i forget to give him credit where credit is due. I mean sure he forgets to empty the dishwasher and to meet college deadlines and to e-mail his boss to pick up hours at work... but there are also moments where he absolutely shines and makes me world 1000x better. I love that man so much, more and more each day. Especially when he tolerates me being in a completely b*tchy mood from talking to incompetent customer service reps on the phone for an hour.

Seeking Hope

So i did some research today after i got off the phone with the doctor and a few big questions/points popped into my head.

If clomid doesn't shorten your cycle (in fact can even lengthen it) and my cycle is an average of 40 days. Then why am i doing blood draws on day 21? when on any given cycle, i would actually ovulate around day 26. According to what i've read, progesterone should be drawn at 7 days dpo, which for me, would be a whopping day 33. So that's confusing.

So here i have this teeny tiny glimmer of hope.

My chart looks like this so far.

However on another site, my chart looks more like this, which isn't showing an indication of ovulation yet.
Could it be that i did ovulate on day 24? I guess i just have a short week and a little bit to find out. I have resolved that i will cling to this tiny little shred of hope and not give in to the urge to fall into a swirly pit of despair just yet.

I spent a lot of time today. A LOT. Looking over BBT charts and trying to glean some sort of indication that maybe just maybe there is some hope for me. Also looking over the differences between taking clomid on days 3-7 vs days 5-9. The general consensus seems to be that days 3-7 produce more eggs but maybe at lesser quality, while days 5-0 produce fewer eggs but at a higher quality. Interesting.