So things have been rather blah lately. I've just been going to school, feeling generally down. Having random pelvic pain, not sure if it is from the clomid or from my veins that refuse to behave.
So yesterday was supposed to be day 2 of sex every other day. And we failed. We failed at sex. The preshow was awesome, we were in the middle of trying to make a human and failed epically. It was literally like his penis just got bored and fell asleep. I say we, but i really mean Jr. Hubbs failed. In the whole time that we've been married this has only happened twice (including last night) and i know it's just a thing that happens, but when you're feeling really fat already and are super emotional from baby drugs, which is already soul crushing, it then pulverizes it and turns your soul into a very fine black powder. We're gonna try again today and then do it every other day from today. I mean to be fair, we generally only do have sex maybe 1-2x a week, so asking to jump up to 3-4x a week is a little crazy. Wish us luck, we're gonna need it. lol.
In other news, in 2 weeks, we are going to a Valentine's Ball. Apparently, it's a formal/semi-formal ball that happens once a year in our town. You get all gussied up and dance and eat dinner and party like it's 1999. I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to go with Hubbs' eldest sister and her husband. Make a little double date of it and feel really fancy. I'm so looking forward to it.
Today, we actually made it to church. We sat in the more front rows, so it was good because i couldn't see the babies. I could hear them crying occasionally, but it went better. I only cried like 3 times and this time, it wasn't gut-wrenching sobbing it was more silent tears and sniffles. Far better. People were talking about how when you really want something, and as long as it is a good thing, it will happen. And that kind of bumped me over the edge. Because there's something we want really badly, and have wanted for a long while now... and it's just not happening for us. If this clomid cycle doesn't work then it will be even longer. I'll need something else to do to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and can't make babies. Losing weight would be a good focus. I keep trying to push myself to just do it, you know? I mean Hubbs and i have been playing racquetball, and have been consistently working out 3x a week, which is 3x more than we used to work out. Waiting so long to see results is just frustrating. It's like a constant 2-week wait. It also didn't help that this other chick i know is now pregnant. We saw her a few months ago, and i was like "you know, i totally think she's pregnant" sure it must have been very early and she was barely showing, but i was sure. Then today, BAM! big ol' preggo belly. So hard going through this when literally EVERYONE you know is pregnant. I'm just taking it day by day, and just trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. I was trying to think of more cliches to throw in that sentence, but i'm tired and ran out.
This cycle i also caved and bought some OPK's. Even though right on the box it says PCOS can mess with the results, whatevs. Which are crazy cheap at Walmart compared to Walgreens. I bought the crappy, hard to read Walgreens brand ones. A 20 pack for $20.99 because the fancy digital ClearBlue ones were fricking $55. Then when i was at Walmart for other reasons, i checked and they had the same fancy ones for just $35. I would definitely pay an extra $15 for not having to stress over whether or not the second line is the same darkness as the control line. No positive yet, but not BBT dip yet either, so i'm gonna be hopeful for at least a little while longer.