Sunday, January 22, 2012

How Do I Express...

Let me preface this by letting you know this is a slightly church-y post, so if you are very anti-religion or hate talk of god or whatever, might want to skip this one.

So today Hubbs wanted to go to church. He was all dressed and ready to go when he woke me up. Could i bear to go? No. I know that i'll get there and everything will be fine and then 15 mins later i'll be asking to leave because all of the adorable little babies will make me ball my eyes out.
He then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not going. And said that pulling myself away from church isn't going to help us on our journey to conceiving. That if we need a miracle, we won't get it sitting at home.

I disagree slightly, god is everywhere, and if he really does truly know my pain, then he will forgive me for not being able to work up the courage to go to church.
How can i put into cohesive words how i feel so that Hubbs can understand? Maybe men are just different when it comes to this whole issue, maybe he only thinks about IF sometimes. But for me, it is an ever present monster that just weighs down on me. Constantly wondering why am i still broken, why the drugs aren't working, if we'll ever get to have a baby of our own, if we'll be able to afford everything. How can i express that him telling me to "find a way to get over it" just doesn't cut it. It's not something that i feel that i can just get over. It's like a break-up, you know? It takes time, it's not something that is going to happen overnight. And sure, technically i've been mourning this openly for about 6 months now. It just doesn't feel like something that is going to go away.

This is why i feel like i do need some sort of support group or somewhere to just talk and be listened to. Not have someone try to fix me or try to help me get over it, but just let me sit there and cry and mourn the days when our lives were simple and easy. Where every day wasn't a struggle to get out of bed when all i want to do is lay there and cry. To find a group of people who understand how horrible this feels.

I hate wanting this so badly. Especially when so many years ago i didn't even want to have kids. But now i have this amazing man, who granted, sometimes just doesn't get it, but i want to make a baby with him. Right now that is seeming like such an insurmountable obstacle.
When everyone you know is announcing their pregnancy and throwing their chubby little adorable offspring in your face... how can you not be sad? How can you not want to pull away from the world into your own little bubble of baby-free safety?

What am i supposed to do? How do i express my pain? sorrow? anger? doubt? loss? How do i being the process of "moving on" so i can try to reclaim some little shred of our former lives?


  1. SO hard. And I'm there with you SO many days. I turned down what will likely be a very fun event with some close friends because two of them recently disclosed they are pregnant. Both after trying for TWO MONTHS. I couldn't do it. Ugh. It's so hard to want to be a part of life, but not being able to handle parts of it sometimes. Be gentle with yourself <3

  2. Thank you for the kind words and your support. It is always nice to know that i'm not alone.