For Realsies This Time

I forced myself to go back to work yesterday. I sat in the car after dropping Ducky off at daycare debating about it. I procrastinated by going to the gas station to pick up a soda and sat in the car some more. I stared at the pebble/rock landscaping on the freeway off-ramp and debated the pros and cons of going. It took me a few more minutes, but I mustered the courage and went to work. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Volume is low and I'm going some refresher training to go back to my old job title and duties which I will start up again next week.

Management kind of called into question my reliability and really wanted me to be sure I was ready. I'm not sure I'll ever actually be ready. The job doesn't hold the same enjoyment that it used to, but it's something to keep me busy, keep my mind off things, and keep those benjamins rolling into my bank account.

Tomorrow I'm getting surgery on my elbow. It's technically a "subcutaneous transposition of the ulnar nerve", which sounds fun. Hopefully this means my cubital tunnel syndrome will be resolved and my pinky and ring fingers will no longer go numb and tingly. I do have to get both elbows done, but the Dr decided to do the left one first since it is the worse of the two. So wish me luck with that.

Going Back to Work

I'm supposed to go back to work. Technically I was supposed to go back today. This is the 2nd or 3rd time I've changed my mind. I just can't.

Hubbs and I were talking the other day, and while he thinks of our son occasionally, I think about him all the time. I can't make it through more than an hour without thinking of him. Wondering how big he'd be now, if he'd be teething early like his big sister, how I would spend my days with him. These thoughts of him aren't all consuming, and they don't make me burst in to tears, but it does make it incredibly difficult to focus on anything else. I've realized that I zone out when people are talking and let my mind wander way too much.

It's been almost two months and while my body is mostly back to normal except for a random numb spot on my stomach, my mind just hasn't caught up yet. I don't want to force myself to go back to work, but maybe I should. It just feels like I should be ready by now, but I'm not. Perhaps I'm hiding from the real world a little bit, which is something I occasionally like to do.

Does anyone have any advice? I feel like I'm just grasping around wildly in the dark and I just need to grab a hold of something to lead me back into the light.

Light-Bulbs

The light fixture in our office has two light-bulbs, one of which is currently burnt out. I would just change it, but since this is our new house, I don't actually know how. This light fixture, I now realize, is a metaphor for our lives right now.

Hubbs is the side with the light-bulb that works. He's glowing and carrying on, and lighting the room for the both of us.

I'm the side with the burnt-out light-bulb. I can't change it myself, I can't just turn it back on. I'm still connected to the wiring, and trying to send the power through, but the filament is broken, and I can't keep on doing what I've always done. I can't make a burnt-out bulb light up, no matter how hard I try.

I need someone to show me how to change the burnt-out bulb so that we can both light the room.

                                        

 Side note - bulb is a really weird looking word.

Craft Day

Welcome to Craft Day. I'm trying something new out here today, and might make it a regular thing if it becomes popular, so let me know what you think!

Since everything I plant (but succulents) dies, I decided to make a little succulent project with all of the cuttings I've experimented with growing. I'll post another picture once it's grown and filled in a bit, but here's how I spent my afternoon yesterday.

Step 1 - Get out supplies.  Succulent cuttings, letter planter (from Michael's), garden soil, trowel, wet moss.

 Option Step - I plan on hanging my planter on our door outside, so I screwed in two of these thingies. I'll hang it with twine once the cuttings have securely taken root.

 Step 2 - The wire on the top was stapled down, so I used some pliers to pull up the non-essential ones to fill the planter. I put a layer of gardening soil and filled the rest with moss. I replaced the wire and hammered one staple back in at the top to keep it secure. 

 

Step 3 - Fill planter with cuttings and make sure the roots are nestled in the moss. 

 Step 5 - This picture is fuzzy and I was too lazy to go back downstairs and take another one. Here's how it looks for now. I'm going to let the cuttings take root and then hang it on the door outside. Hopefully the sun and delightful summer weather help it to grow into a lush and delightful decoration.

Getting Drilled (and not in a good way)

I'm cranky because after my trip to the dentist today, and yesterday, my jaw is sore, my mouth hurts, and I have several bruised spots on my gums from where they had to stick me multiple times to get enough local anesthetic in there. Local anesthetic is not my friend, I've always had problems with it, I either need extra shots or they need to wait longer for it to kick in. Most of the time it's both. Lucky me.

Hubbs took half of the day off because his appointment was right before mine. We decided to take a trip to the movies to see Spy. It was surprisingly funny. I knew the reviews were good, but it definitely exceeded my expectations and kept me entertained the whole time. Really that's all I look for in a movie nowadays. I'm so easy to please.

A grief newsletter/magazine thing arrived in the mail today from the hospital. Apparently you're not supposed to make any major life decisions (moving, quitting your job, etc) during the grieving process. I'm going to exclude my applying to college from this list. One because it can only better my future, two because I wouldn't start until January, and three because me getting in is a real long-shot anyway. I'm going to stay on track and go back to work, as well as become a notary. My employer okay-ed it as a side-gig, so I'm going to start that soon. It would be nice if I could stay home with Ducky and just do it in the evenings. Realistically, I'd only have to go out and notarize 2-3 times a week to make as much as I make now (subtracting our daycare costs). Hubbs is on board with this plan but would prefer that I rake in as much money as possible since is job is currently seasonal. Hopefully that too will change in the near future as his workplace expands.

Preggo Bellies

I didn't think it would hurt to see my friend's pregnant bellies, but it does. It reminds me that I should still be pregnant. I miss my big ol' belly even though it made me extremely uncomfortable and difficult to sleep. Seeing bellies and newborns still gives me a pang of sadness. I'm sure it will for a while.

I took a trip to the craft store today to make our little memorial to Lumpy. It'll be a little while I think before I finish it, but I'm kind of looking forward to starting it. I also picked up a shadow box to display all of our keepsakes and things. It will be nice to have reminders of him out in the open, right now they're all hidden away so Ducky doesn't play with them.

The second half of this post is probably TMI. Oh well, reader beware. 

Today I'm also headed to the dentist to get my first round of cavities filled (the next round is tomorrow) and later getting my legs waxed. Just decided to make it a day of pain. lol. I'm seriously growing a forest on my lower legs and am far too lazy to shave.

I thought I was healing OK from the C-Section and that most of the healing process was over, apparently not. I'd stopped bleeding a week or so ago and was sure it was done. Nope, not done. I'd actually thought I'd gotten my period back, which is crazy talk. The bleeding is pretty bipolar though and seems to only happen sporadically throughout the day. I could do without the cramps as well. It certainly feels like a period, but I'm sure it's just my uterus trying to shrink back down to a normal size. I've only ruined one pair of pajama pants so far though, so that's a victory, right?     

IF Walk

I participated in a 5k today that was a fundraising event for a few couples going through infertility. We were sponsoring a co-worker of mine in a raffle for a chance for her to win a free IVF cycle. She didn't win the cycle, but got 2nd place, which was $1000 towards her treatment. Hurray for that.

I walked the whole time pushing Ducky in her stroller with an older co-worker. We decided to be the walkers of the bunch, everyone else took the whole running thing way too seriously. It was nice, she actually asked questions about Lumpy and we talked about him a lot. She asked if I talked about him much, and I said no and that I thought it was because people didn't want to bring it up and would rather pretend he didn't exist. It felt good to kind of get some of it out there.

It was an interesting reminder participating in that event. I started this blog almost 4 years ago because I was infertile. Almost four years later I've had two babies. It's pretty crazy. I know I have a lot to be happy for. It was also nice just to spend some time outside and feel like I contributed to something good.

Your Mom Goes to College

I applied to college today. Sure I left college 7 years ago and have been working at jobs I hate since then. Yes, most people hate their jobs, blah blah. Call me crazy, but I'd like to enjoy work for once. I won't know until October if I got in, but I feel like this could be a good thing.

Maybe it's because I'm 30 and just don't know what to do with myself anymore, but I've always had a dream job in mind, and now seems like a great time to go for it. I can prove to myself and to my daughter that it's never too late to go for your dreams.

I'm sure it's foolish to make life-changing decisions when you're in the process of grieving, but I'm going to do it anyway. I'm going to keep my current job (obviously), but hold out hope that this new plan works out. Hubbs is on board and is still trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life. As cheesy as it sounds, I know as long as we're together we can accomplish anything.

Movie Date with Myself

I took myself out to the movies today to see Pitch Perfect 2. I figured it was a pretty safe movie to see and would help lighten up my mood. It did the trick. I found myself kind of rooting for the "villain" team though. Flula Borg stole the whole movie as far as I'm concerned, that dude needs his own franchise.

People/TV shows/movies/etc like that always make me slightly annoyed with myself. All of these talented people doing awesome things, and I'm mediocre at a few things. I have yet to find the thing that I am amazing at. Every time I had even a remote opportunity to be in a talent show, I was complete at a loss as to what my talent would be. Total lack of talent over here. Before I got pregnant with my son, I'd started hula hooping. Maybe I'll stick with that and get awesome at it. It could happen.


 

More Leave

I thought I was ready to go back to work. I went back last Tuesday. I only worked until Thursday, but every moment I was there, I just couldn't focus. I kept thinking about my son and just getting sad and realizing the complete pointlessness of my work. I wanted to yell, "I don't give a flying fuck about your mortgages, my son is dead". Luckily, I did not shout that from my cubicle, I just sat in silence trying not to let my despair take over.

I had to take a long weekend because our daycare was closed Friday and Monday, and we had all of our dentist appointments yesterday. I went back to work this morning and realized I really just am not ready to be back. I need more time to recover mentally, and even still physically. On meds, my blood pressure had gone back to a normal level, but I took it this morning and it was high again. I don't know if it's stress or something else, but I'll need to keep a closer eye on it.

I'm going to wait until after my 6-week check up with my OB just to make sure everything is OK before I consider going back again. We have enough of a safety net in savings that financially we'll be alright with just Hubbs working. He seems to be doing fine. Sometimes he gets sad, but I think overall he's doing much better than I am. Sometimes I just feel like a wreck, like a shell of my former self. Other times I'm fine and happy. I am on medication for the anxiety and panic attacks I was having. I know sometimes that particular medication is also used to treat depression, I don't think this is PPD though. I think it's just a normal response to something absolutely soul-crushing and heart-breaking.

For now I'm just going to take my extra maternity/bereavement leave and try to keep myself focused on healing and try to keep myself busy with things that I enjoy. I'm going to try to create a little shadowbox or scrapbook or both, to put all of the little trinkets and memories of our son in. We want to be able to remember him often and keep the memory of him in our home prominently. We don't want to hide or diminish his existence in any way (like my parents seem to want to do). I'm going to play WoW, read, watch terribly cheesy and awful horror movies, and relish the little victories. I emptied the dishwasher, I remembered to water the flowers, I took a little stroll around the neighborhood, etc. Today, I stood up for myself and my health. Go me. *high five*

The Things You Don't Think About

My son's social security card came in the mail today. As did a condolence letter from the Children's Hospital and the photos from our good-bye. I've never seen complete heartbreak captured in a photograph before, but I now have. It's awful seeing yourself in that much pain.

Even going to the movies is hard now. The last two movies I've seen in theaters feature the death of a child. Mad Max and San Andreas. Remind me to screen movies a little more carefully before attending in the future.

When I went to the dentist today, I had to explain that my gums still kind of bleed a bit extra because I was recently pregnant and had a baby. When they asked where he was (since all 3 of us had appointments at the same time), I had to tell them that he passed away. 

Now that we're in to June and on to July, I'm sure there will be more sad little reminders along the way. Father's Day. The date they were going to induce by if my blood pressure didn't behave. My Dad's birthday, which is the day we'd hoped he'd be born. His actual due date.

I'm still just shocked at how different everything is now from all of the plans that we'd made. I should only be halfway through my maternity leave now, and instead I'm already back to work (which I still think was a bad idea). When I'm with Hubbs or with Ducky, or especially when we're all together, I feel better and hopeful. When I'm alone or at work I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I don't know if that's normal or good or bad. I just don't know where to go from here. 

Long Weekend

Daycare was closed Friday and today, so I got to spend 4 straight days home with Ducky. It was really nice to spend so much time with her. Occasionally frustrating, but nice. She's grown so much in the last few months and I'm glad I get to see the person she's becoming.

Tomorrow all 3 of us have dentist appointments, which should be interesting. Hubbs hasn't been to a dentist in about 8 years. I'm about a year overdue, and obviously Ducky hasn't been yet. She has 16 teeth and could probably use a good cleaning. I love going to the dentist, I know Hubbs hates it, and Ducky most certainly will hate it too.

Hubbs and I are taking the rest of the day off, we'll drop Ducky off at daycare after the dentist, and go on a little movie date to see San Andreas. We both have a great love for the Rock and all of his movies, so it should be fun.

Having this much time off work though is kind of making my dread going back. I'm still just not sure how I feel about it and if I'm actually ready. I suppose I'll just keep going through the motions, but my heart definitely isn't in it. The fact that at one point it was kind of bothers me. I feel like my heart definitely has better things it could be doing.

I'm going to try my best to blog every day this month. I think it might just be helpful to sort out my own feelings and it will be nice to one day look back and see how far I've come. Sure now it's all grief and aimlessness, hopefully one day there will be joy and direction again. For now, I still just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I think that's all you can really do when you just don't know what to do.