Tuesday, June 2, 2015

The Things You Don't Think About

My son's social security card came in the mail today. As did a condolence letter from the Children's Hospital and the photos from our good-bye. I've never seen complete heartbreak captured in a photograph before, but I now have. It's awful seeing yourself in that much pain.

Even going to the movies is hard now. The last two movies I've seen in theaters feature the death of a child. Mad Max and San Andreas. Remind me to screen movies a little more carefully before attending in the future.

When I went to the dentist today, I had to explain that my gums still kind of bleed a bit extra because I was recently pregnant and had a baby. When they asked where he was (since all 3 of us had appointments at the same time), I had to tell them that he passed away. 

Now that we're in to June and on to July, I'm sure there will be more sad little reminders along the way. Father's Day. The date they were going to induce by if my blood pressure didn't behave. My Dad's birthday, which is the day we'd hoped he'd be born. His actual due date.

I'm still just shocked at how different everything is now from all of the plans that we'd made. I should only be halfway through my maternity leave now, and instead I'm already back to work (which I still think was a bad idea). When I'm with Hubbs or with Ducky, or especially when we're all together, I feel better and hopeful. When I'm alone or at work I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I don't know if that's normal or good or bad. I just don't know where to go from here. 

No comments:

Post a Comment