No Pink Lines?!

Darnit. Did i miss my awesome ovulation time? there was only a control line today, no faint little pink lines anywhere. Not only does my stomach feel like it is constantly digesting itself, but now i have no ovulation lines? whyyyy? i really don't wanna have to go back to the doctor and feel all down about myself cause my stupid eggs won't jump off their follicles or whatever. Super lame.

Doctor has adjusted my metformin dose, cause i feel crazy sick all the time. I'm supposed to take half for a few weeks, and then get up to one pill, then one and a half, then 2 a day. Oh boy. One thing i don't understand, is how the heck are you supposed to get those suckers halved? there's no divider line thing. Am i supposed to just bite it off?

Good news though is that i'm down to 2 pills a day in general. which is nice. Only have 2 weeks left of my vitamin D treatment cycle. I've been trying hard to exercise and eat right. I'm definitely not doing all that well with it. There's been a lot of stress lately, trying to figure out where to move, whether or not to even try to have a baby right now, etc. A lot of stress.

Today is my brother-in-law's birthday, so there will be cake later tonight. I don't care that it is bad for me. I'm in a crappy mood and cake is just the pick-me-up that i require.

Hungry Hungry Panda.

I don't know if it's the metformin that is turning me into a hungry hungry panda, but seriously, i have to eat something at least every 2 hours or else i feel incredibly nauseated and like i'm gonna puke my brains out. What is up with that?

Today there was a slightly darker pink line. Although, i know not to get all excited until the pink lines are of equal darkness, but i'm still looking forward to it. Because if i get a positive on this ovulation thing, that means i don't have to take clomid! which seriously, would be super awesome.

So there's about a 90% chance that Hubbs and i are moving. Now the decision is whether or not to move in with my parents or his. There are pros and cons to both, but i think we're leaning towards his parents place. Cause there's the chance that down the line, they'll sell it to us, which would be totally awesome. I don't really feel that comfortable with his family, just like he doesn't feel all that comfortable with mine. Probably cause everything is still pretty new to us, but oh well. Either place we move, i can still start school. The job market is supposedly way better where his parents live, so that would be nice as well. Hopefully the couple we showed our apartment to today want it. Moving will solve a majority of our problems. It had always been the plan to move back up to where his parents lived anyway, we're just moving up the timetable a bit. lol.

Wish us luck with these endeavors. the moving, and the babies, and the school and the jobs. I still have this overwhelming feeling that everything is going to work out just fine... hoping i'm right. =)

More Pink Lines.

There was a faint pink line again today! oh what does it mean? does that mean there's an LH presence, but not enough to count as a "surge" yet? perhaps a trip down google lane is worth it in this case, maybe i'll do that after this. lol.

So a friend told me a story today about one of her friends. Apparently she and her husband had been trying to get pregnant for a long while, and had several miscarriages. Now she's in her first trimester with twins and her husband has decided he no longer wants to be married to her and threw her out of the house. WOW. super depressing. Apparently though now she's all set up in a new apartment and is absolutely loving her life. Props to her. I probably would have been a sobbing, blithering mess marathoning Jane Austen adaptation movies and yelling at the screen.

Hubbs' sister announced her pregnancy to another IF couple last night while we were over for ice cream. (she's currently in week 8 and doing awesome btw) After they left she worried the IF wife was gonna go home and cry. Normally, when pregnancies are announced, that's my first reaction too... but when it's another IF announcing it, i can't help but feel happy and hopeful. I mean, if they can do it, so can i! Unlike when a fertile announces it and i just wanna curl in a puddle and cry.

I dunno. I'll just keep doing my testing and have lots of wild monkey sex around ovulation time and hope for the best. Wish us luck.

A Faint Pink Line

So i started ovulation testing again, and today there was totally a faint pink line! i know that still makes it negative, but still, there was totally a second line! this is exciting to me. lol.

Nothing much has been going on here. Not much to report really. I still can't orgasm, despite being off the bad antidepressants. On week 6 of my Vitamin D treatment, still taking my metformin every day. Twice a day. One thing though, i still feel crazy hungry all the time. It feels like i'm straddling the obnoxiously thin line between starving and puking. good times?

Hubbs is still being awesome. I know how much he loves me cause he let me go see Final Destination 5 last night. lol. He hates horror movies, and horror movies are my weakness. I love them with a crazy passion. So off i went to my awesome movie whilst he continued marathoning the Office. He's been laughing his ass off to it, which makes me happy, cause if there's one thing i love, it's seeing him smile.

So i shall continue peeing in the cup and monitoring for ovulation. And then! i have an excuse to get my husband to do me like, 3 days in a row. lol. Totally looking forward to that. =)

Job Interview Day

I have a job interview today. I really hope i get it. Not just so i have something to distract me from playing the sims about 10 hours a day, but so we'll have enough money for me to get a doggie. I've gotten the note for the service dog from my doctor, and now we just need the money to pay for it.

If i don't get this job however, then we'll have to move back in with my parents and i'll get to start school again. That would be a lovely distraction.

I'm so hungry. super super hungry. I'm sitting here eating fruit salad for breakfast at 1:30 in the morning, so that's probably my fault. I've noticed my pants are a little bit looser though. I don't know if that's because i've been wearing them too much and they got all stretched out, or i'm actually losing weight. Maybe i should invest in a scale so i don't have to wonder. lol. I pretty much just feel like a fatty fatty tubster all the time these days. Knowing that my weight is contributing to all of the health problems i'm currently having doesn't help.

Feeling Sickly.

The last few days i've been rather nauseated and feeling really crampy and painful in the uterus region. I took a pregnancy test just to be sure and of course it was negative. I knew it would be, but for a split second, i couldn't help daydream about how awesome it would be if it were positive. Would i cry, would i start jumping for joy, would i rush all excitedly to tell Hubbs? Then i was slapped back into reality.

My cycles are getting longer. This last one was at a whole 40 days. 2 months ago i missed one entirely. I'm still doing the ovulation tester things, but i'm not really holding out much hope that we're gonna get a positive on those. I'm hoping that when the time is right, we'll just magically get pregnant and be all excited. But timing-wise, for the plans that we have for the near future, we really have to get pregnant within the next few months. Next fall i'm starting school again and am not looking forward to the idea of having to take a break to have a baby. So it's pretty much now, or 2 years from now when i'm nearly 30. If we don't get a positive on the ovulation tests this month, i'm gonna ask male doctor about Clomid. I might seem pushy about it or whatever, but to tweak a quote from When Harry Met Sally, "when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." and dammit, we want to be parents.

Peeing.

Man i feel like i have to pee a lot. I can barely make it through the night without feeling like my bladder is going to burst when i first wake up in the morning. WTF? i swear if i have another UTI i'm gonna hurt someone. lol. I had one a few months ago and did a round of antibiotics, then had one a couple of months later and they put me on cipro to kill the sucker. Really really don't wanna have one again, they are super annoying.

Not much to report over here. Still taking all of my pills every day. Have finally managed the art of swallowing the prenatals before they hit my tongue so i don't taste the grossness. Hubbs and i are still looking for new jobs. If we don't get a bite soon, we're just gonna have to sell our housing contract and move back in with my parents. SUPER LAME, but on the bright side, we would have zero stress about money and i would get to start school sooner than we'd planned. Which i think would be awesome. I'm so tired of waiting for the next phase of our lives to start. School would be a welcome distraction. I'm planning on going back to be a certified Veterinary Assistant and then after that program is over, i can go back for the Veterinary Technician. Essentially, it's the equivalent of being a nurse, but only for animals. It is gonna be epic.

The Sims.

So i decided to play the Sims 3, cause i love building all of the little houses and making everything awesome. I made a cute little sim me, and a cute little sim Hubbs. That evil wench got pregnant on the first try!! wtf universe!!?!! Although that's what i get for playing 3, versus the first sims, cause people don't get pregnant in that one, the babies just get delivered to your house by magic once you decide to have one. Ahh, the joys of computer games.

Anyways, today was day 3 of ovulation testing, and i finally managed not to spill pee all over myself. good job me! way to be awesome!

The last week i've had 2 nosebleeds. Now, i used to have them all the time when i was a kid living in Albuquerque, something about the high altitude and the air being very dry. Where we live now, we're really high up as well. But as an adult, and knowing that nosebleeds can also be caused by spikes in blood pressure, i'm kinda worried. I guess i can go back to the doctor and talk about it, but i'm pretty sure my BP shouldn't be spiking when i first wake up in the morning... right?

Also the last 2-3 days i've been getting those twinges of pain in the region of Righty and Lefty. Not quite sure what to think about that. I guess these are all things to bring up at my next appointment. Which probably won't be till next week cause i have to go back for a followup anyway. Kinda wish i could go back to the times before i saw my doctor more than any of my friends or family... oh well. The price i pay for wanting a little joy bundle.

Peeing in a cup...

So i'm used to peeing in cups at the doctor's office, and it's annoying, but whatever. This was the first time i've tried to pee in a cup at home. Let me tell you, i made a magical mess of everything. lol. It was not fun, but now since i have to do it every day now for the rest of the month... hopefully i'll get better at it.

I successfully did my first ovulation tester thing! wooo-hooo! it was negative, as suspected. lol. But i'm getting in the habit, and that is a good thing. I've stopped testing my BBT cause apparently i was doing it wrong. You have to take the temp at the same time every day to be accurate. Since i can never guarantee a time that i'll be awake and free to take a temp at the same time, i figure what's the point? I guess i could pick a random time, like 2pm, where's i'm guaranteed to be awake and probably not doing anything. ok, i'll start again today.

So i'm on antidepressants. I don't know if i've mentioned that before. First i was on Zoloft, after about a month, i noticed that i couldn't orgasm anymore, apparently it's a rare side effect. I could get turned on plenty, but there was no big finish. I talked to my doctor and he had me switch to Citalopram. Hopefully that will return me to my regular orgasmy self. Even though i don't finish all of the time, i finish every once in a while. lol. I don't know if that was TMI, but considering what this blog is about, i'm fairly certain it's all TMI. lol.

I really want to get pregnant. It's funny, when i was younger, i never wanted kids. Granted, i never even thought i would get married. Lol. I was convinced that i would be the last of my friends to get married, i wound up being the first. After college, i kind of started thinking that the whole marriage and family thing would be nice. Now that i am happily married, i want kids so badly. Knowing that it's going to be difficult for us makes me want them even more. To prove to science and myself that it's possible and all that. For now though, knowing how difficult the journey to parenthood is going to be, i am settling for the idea of a dog. Seriously, having a pet has so many health benefits including reducing stress and blood pressure, emotional stability, etc. I had a service dog back in college and know that i could benefit from having that again. I mean i have Hubbs, but there are some things that he shouldn't have to do for me, and i can't have him around me constantly to support me. Gosh i sound pathetic. lol.

Oh well, today is a new day.

Cinnamon Rolls

So i baked some cinnamon rolls today. It's been a long time since i've home-baked anything besides cookies. I forgot how great fresh-baked goodness makes the house smell. Baking used to calm me and help me relax, after i went to culinary school, i lost that love of it. It was nice to feel productive in the kitchen, even though i make dinner every night, baking is just something better. I feel like it is done with more love, if that makes any sense. lol.

I'm trying to be good about my carbs, i even substituted half of the regular flour with whole wheat flour. I'm still not doing to great at balancing the carbs and the protein, maybe that will just take more practice.

I still really want a dog. I have Hubbs convinced to let me get one, now it's just a matter of us both having jobs. I have another interview this week and hopefully this one goes well. Well, better than the last one anyway. Which apparently went great, but they had "too many qualified people" or whatever. Seems like a load of crap to me. Job hunting when going through treatment for IF is not the greatest feeling in the world. You already have all of these doubts about yourself and slightly hurty self esteem... and then getting rejected from jobs makes you feel even more depressed about yourself.

I shall try to be more optimistic though, let my shiny happy personality shine through all of the pain. Thankfully Hubbs is still being incredibly supportive and loving. I really have no idea what i would do without him. I so love that man.

Was That Really a Period?

So my period finally came, like, 3 days late and lasted for only 3 days. It was also super light, but heavy enough to make me think it's not that implantation bleeding thing everyone is always talking about. I guess i really shouldn't complain. Bah, anyways, in about 2 weeks i start doing the ovulation testers to check to see if/when i'm ovulating.

Prenatal vitamins still taste like ass, although i've figured out if i pour one into the cap, i never have to touch it and get stink-fingers. Also, i sip some beverage before popping that sucker in my mouth and try to swallow it before it hits my tongue. Surely drug companies could come up with a way to make them not taste flipping terrible! We need to invent this, who's with me?

Hubbs has been so incredibly sweet lately. I love the little things he's doing to show how much he loves and supports me during all of this. Especially when i turn into a raging bitch-monster for no apparent reason. He's always sure to tell me how much he loves me no matter what happens and that he'll be there for me 100% during all of this. Even if that means jizzing in a cup. lol. That is totally true love right there. He really has been so amazingly sweet and i am incredibly thankful to have such a wonderful husband.

Hubbs' other sister is now worried she might have PCOS as well, she's gonna run the full gambit of tests next week, so keep your fingers crossed for her. I'm hoping she's not gonna have to go through all of this crap with the rest of us. She and i are also gonna start working out together, which i'm really looking forward to. I couldn't see Hubbs doing fat-burn pilates with me. lol. That and our living room is way too small for 2 of us to try working out at the same time anyway.

I'm trying very hard to keep up a positive frame of mind. It's hard though, reading all of the things about insulin resistance diets and how some say to always combine carbs with a protein, and others get all specific and say you can have a maximum of 30g of carbs in combination with at least 14g of protein every 2 hours. When trying to make my cereal yesterday that equated to 1/2cup of raisin bran and 1/2cup of milk. Needless to say after that i was still obnoxiously hungry. It's also hard to think that fruit is bad now cause of all of the sugar. Um, it's fruit, wtf? At least i've been better about eating my veggies and if i have a sammich i make it with whole wheat bread and slap more veggies on it than cheese and turkey. But still, it's definitely really hard to switch to and i am trying, so i suppose that's a start.

Prenatal Vitamin Candy?

Has anyone else ever had the urge to coat their prenatal vitamins in chocolate before trying to get those suckers down? First of all, they are obnoxiously huge and look like they are meant for horses to take. Secondly, they have this horrible fishy taste/smell that even gets all over your hands when you touch them. I believe the solution to this is to douse them in a lovely chocolate coating... i think this could be a thing. lol.

Sleepy

Man have i been tired the last 2 days... I woke up today around 11 then around 2 took a nap and stayed in bed till 5:30-ish. Now it's only 8:30 and i am still obnoxiously tired. For serious. On the bright side though, we went to cold stone and i had some sinless sweet cream ice cream with black cherries. It was yummy and delicious. I'm sure it probably has a lot of carbs and bad things even though it's fat free and no sugar added. But a lot less bad for me than the No Fair Funnel Cake sundae i wanted to get. lol. I can go to sleep at 8:30 and you guys won't judge me, right? yea... perfectly acceptable...

PCOS Chat

We had Hubb's sister and her husband over for dinner last night, a dinner of delicious ham.

Anyways, so she and i had a chance to talk about our PCOS. She had the whole low estrogen level thing, whilst i have the insulin resistance part. She mentioned the different drugs she used to get pregnant the first time, and what they worked on this time to get pregnant again. Apparently she's only 6 weeks along, but it is still totally great to see another IF get pregnant. She's had to do the whole ovulation tracker thing too, cause i guess she doesn't really have a cycle due to the low estrogen. They had her on birth control and then they stopped it to get her ovulating or something.

All i have to do is take my medicine, start tracking the ovulation thing, and hopefully get a positive on those so i don't have to go on clomid. Hubbs' other sister is also trying to get pregnant this month, we always joke about how awesome it would be if all 3 of us were pregnant at the same time, and it could be a very real possibility.

One thing that annoys me about the ovulation tester things is they give you a months supply, which is 20 tests... seeing as how my cycle is almost double that, yea.... i'm rather unlucky. Lady doctor said i can probably expect to ovulate around day 22, so i figure i'll start testing around day 18 to be safe.

Fatty Fatty Tubbster.

Fatty Fatty Tubbster is what i call my parent's dog, cause she's a big fatty. lol. I'm now officially a big fatty too. I mean once the periods started i started getting fat, and then fatter, now i'm at the fatty stage. Trying to laugh about it, cause i hear fat people are supposed to be jolly.

Anyways, the lab results did come back luckily, all of my other hormone levels are normal, my blood sugar level is perfect, and my cervix is gorgeous and normal, but i do have the dreaded insulin resistance =(

Today is they day i start metformin and say goodbye to my delicious white bread, white rice, potatoes, corn, all of the yummy things. Switching to whole grain/whole wheat stuff and saying goodbye to my longtime love of fizzy and/or sweet drinks and my obsession with ice cream.

This makes me a sad panda. Pretty much all of the food in our house i can't eat now. Lucky me though, we do have a ham. That ham is all mine. MINE I SAY! what the heck are we going to do with the 5lb tub of cookie dough and giant package of 80 flour tortillas we bought at costco last night?

I know that this is all for the best. I know that taking these new drugs, changing my diet, and exercising is going to make me healthier and help get me pregnant. I shall try not to think of it as me giving up things that i love, but changing my life so i can have something i'll love even more.

We seriously have so much food that is forbidden now. i'm afraid to go into the kitchen to look for something for breakfast. It will all be a bunch of no, no, no. It'll be like going through it saying, eff you, eff you, you're cool, eff you... le sigh.

PCOS Abounds

So i think i've mentioned before that my brother's wife has PCOS and has been having crazy trouble getting pregnant.

Apparently, Hubbs' sister also has PCOS. She has a kid already who turned 2 last week. Apparently she's pregnant again! Hurray for having a new niece/nephew on the way. Something about finding out that another IF is pregnant makes you all happy and giddy and wonder and the magical world of possibilities instead of the horrifying land of IF. However when "fertiles" (as i'm discovering in the IF community are people who just pop out kids like it's their job with no help from science are called) announce their pregnancy you feel like the universe it taunting you and laughing in your face.

Still waiting for test results... it's been a week, so i'll just call the doctor's office and annoy them until they give me the results. seriously, they hardly ever call, i have to like, phone stalk them to find out. super annoying. But i like them, and at this point i'm too lazy to switch doctors, i've been at that clinic for a year now. All the nurses/assistants know me and like me and i like everyone there.

Here's to hoping it's good news and that's why they haven't called.... yea... i'm sure the universe will be that nice to me. lol.

Oh, funny thing, so last night i had a dream where i was trying to take a pregnancy test, but i accidentally peed on an ovulation tester thing instead. I was so mad. Then the ovulation test results were all weird and horribly confusing. It involved different colored lasers going through a maze on the paper. Then you had to mail it off to a lab for the results. The whole time i was trying to decipher the results i was really just sad/mad because i wouldn't have enough pee for the pregnancy test and would have to wait for tomorrow morning. Nice to know i can't even get away from IF land even in my dreams. :/

Back Home

We had a pleasant long weekend in Vegas. It was great being around the doggies. Nothing cheers me up quite like my adorable 4-year old pekingese curling up and taking a nap on my tummy.

Anyway. I'm still waiting for my blood test results and pap smear results. Why the heck to they call it a pap smear, does anything sound so gross? It really is just painful cervix stabbing. that's what they should call it.

I'm feeling a lot less worried and stressed about everything. Worrying about whether or not i'm getting this new job is a fine distraction.

Period should be starting tomorrow or the next few days, looking forward to peeing on those stupid ovulation test things despite the fact that PCOS can interfere with the results. grrrrr.

So i put that little fishy gaget/widget whatever thing at the top of this blog. I have a terrible fish fear. But there's something so calming about watching the fish chase after my cursor and nibbling the fish noms. I find it soothing, maybe you will too.

I'll keep you all posted on the test results and everything and what horrible drug cocktails i'll have to take to fix any problems they find.

Twinges of Pain

Anyone else have crazy cramping and pain the few days after having your vagina poked and prodded? Seriously. I feel so icky. Not to mention i've been crazy dizzy since yesterday morning.

Every once in a while i get these bouts of dizziness for a few days. Doctors don't really seem to think it's anything to worry about. It's been going on for years. Supremely annoying though.

I've started taking my temp every morning to try and track this whole ovulation thing. Mostly doing it now just to get in the habit of doing it every morning. Won't start officially tracking until the start of the new cycle next week.

Maybe i'm just crampy since the period is due next week. not sure. At least Lefty has stopped twinging. I've also been crazy tired lately. Super tired but can't get to sleep. I can't take my sleeping meds cause last time i took ambien i couldn't sleep and hallucinated for hours. Next time i tried my lunesta, but wound up hallucinating when i woke up, which was no good either. My sister-in-law gave me this home remedy sleep thing that she likes, i dunno, maybe i'll try that next.

I'm thinking this long weekend will be good for me. A nice change of scenery and spend some time with the doggies. Playing with puppies always helps me relax and feel better. I've been trying to convince Hubbs to let me get a dog, he's finally agreed and said we can get one in the next few months. I really think having a dog to love me unconditionally and to lounge around with will really help me through this. When Hubbs isn't around, i just kind of curl up on the couch and wallow in my sadness. A dog will help keep me distracted and give me something else to focus my energy and love on. Maybe that sounds dumb to you, but i've always had pets, and not having one to love this past year has been hard.

So we really are off tonight for our mini vacation, gonna lounge around by the pool and eat way too much food.

When we get back, i'm going to try to be good and start eating complex carbs instead of evil white bread carbs. Still waiting for the blood test results, but it can't hurt to try to be a little bit healthier now.