Temps and Taxes

My BBT so far seems to be a little more consistent this cycle. Every day kind of hovering around the 97.5 range. I'mma take this as a good thing, cause last cycle was all, high, LOW, slightly higher, bippity boppity boo. So anyway, this is what we're looking at so far.


The other website i use is looking like this. The temps here look a little more erratic because the temp scale is 1 degree instead of 2 (like the above chart).

So right now i'm leaning towards optimism. Definitely looking better when compared to last month.

I'm also apparently doing my OPK's right. Some websites say to test later in the day to get a better result, but i read my brand's instruction sheet thing and it definitely says to use FMU. So i'mma keep waking up at the same time every day, taking my BBT and peeing in a cup right after that. lol.

In other news, i am crazy tired today. Woke up earlier than usual after going to bed around 1am. Was running around school for about 10 hours today. Now i am super super sleepy, but i have to stay up for another hour and a half because Hubbs and i have to have to get to baby-making. Not to mention i'm still kind of emotionally drained from the meds and crying yesterday. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. A day where we get to file our taxes!!! I'm so unnaturally excited to file. We should get a big fat refund this year, and that makes me happy, cause that means we'll have the extra money for health insurance!!! YAY! That means we'll get to go to the RE after all! VERY GOOD NEWS!

I bought the tickets today for the Valentine's Ball. I am so looking forward to a night of dinner, dancing, and feeling like a princess. Every girl needs to feel like a princess every once in a while. Especially when most of the time, you feel like a fat, bloated, beached whale that somehow manages to devour everything in sight. I have 3 dress options. One being my wedding dress. Curious to see if i still fit in it, even though we got married less than 2 years ago. Maybe i'll go try them on now! We'll see. It should be a fun night though.

We are also very excited for the Super Bowl on sunday. We've picked our wing place, gonna get there like, an hour before the game starts, and just hang out all dang day! lol. Both of us really hate the Patriots so we're sincerely hoping they get their asses whooped. I'm mostly in it just for the commercials, but i wind up getting riled up anyway and yelling at the screen.

So what about you lovely readers? Any fabulous Super Bowl or Valentine's plans?

Balls and Bargains.

So things have been rather blah lately. I've just been going to school, feeling generally down. Having random pelvic pain, not sure if it is from the clomid or from my veins that refuse to behave.

So yesterday was supposed to be day 2 of sex every other day. And we failed. We failed at sex. The preshow was awesome, we were in the middle of trying to make a human and failed epically. It was literally like his penis just got bored and fell asleep. I say we, but i really mean Jr. Hubbs failed. In the whole time that we've been married this has only happened twice (including last night) and i know it's just a thing that happens, but when you're feeling really fat already and are super emotional from baby drugs, which is already soul crushing, it then pulverizes it and turns your soul into a very fine black powder. We're gonna try again today and then do it every other day from today. I mean to be fair, we generally only do have sex maybe 1-2x a week, so asking to jump up to 3-4x a week is a little crazy. Wish us luck, we're gonna need it. lol.

In other news, in 2 weeks, we are going to a Valentine's Ball. Apparently, it's a formal/semi-formal ball that happens once a year in our town. You get all gussied up and dance and eat dinner and party like it's 1999. I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to go with Hubbs' eldest sister and her husband. Make a little double date of it and feel really fancy. I'm so looking forward to it.

Today, we actually made it to church. We sat in the more front rows, so it was good because i couldn't see the babies. I could hear them crying occasionally, but it went better. I only cried like 3 times and this time, it wasn't gut-wrenching sobbing it was more silent tears and sniffles. Far better. People were talking about how when you really want something, and as long as it is a good thing, it will happen. And that kind of bumped me over the edge. Because there's something we want really badly, and have wanted for a long while now... and it's just not happening for us. If this clomid cycle doesn't work then it will be even longer. I'll need something else to do to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and can't make babies. Losing weight would be a good focus. I keep trying to push myself to just do it, you know? I mean Hubbs and i have been playing racquetball, and have been consistently working out 3x a week, which is 3x more than we used to work out. Waiting so long to see results is just frustrating. It's like a constant 2-week wait. It also didn't help that this other chick i know is now pregnant. We saw her a few months ago, and i was like "you know, i totally think she's pregnant" sure it must have been very early and she was barely showing, but i was sure. Then today, BAM! big ol' preggo belly. So hard going through this when literally EVERYONE you know is pregnant. I'm just taking it day by day, and just trying my best to put one foot in front of the other. I was trying to think of more cliches to throw in that sentence, but i'm tired and ran out.

This cycle i also caved and bought some OPK's. Even though right on the box it says PCOS can mess with the results, whatevs. Which are crazy cheap at Walmart compared to Walgreens. I bought the crappy, hard to read Walgreens brand ones. A 20 pack for $20.99 because the fancy digital ClearBlue ones were fricking $55. Then when i was at Walmart for other reasons, i checked and they had the same fancy ones for just $35. I would definitely pay an extra $15 for not having to stress over whether or not the second line is the same darkness as the control line. No positive yet, but not BBT dip yet either, so i'm gonna be hopeful for at least a little while longer.

Apologies Are Awesome

Hubbs came home after church to find me curled in a tiny ball of sadness in bed. He came in and comforted me and apologized for being a huge jerk. He told me that he was sorry for being insensitive and for expecting me to be in the same place he is. Told me to take as long as i need to deal with this and that he will make a better effort to understand my feelings. That the minute he left the house he realized that what he was asking of me was unfair and insensitive.

He really is such a very sweet man. He did his best to make me laugh, which is something he's always good at doing no matter how sad i am. At one point i cried a little more and he just held me. Which was exactly what i needed. I expressed my fears about not being able to afford the RE referral and how i want so badly for this cycle to work.

He told me he loved me and that no matter how long it takes, he'll be with me and support me through it all. Even if it's years and years. He reminded me that i'm still young and that we have plenty of time. He told me that he is certain that when the time is right, we'll have our little miracle and that i will be an amazing mother.

I really do love the heck out of that man and have no idea what i would do without him. I really should do more to remember that even though we're currently unlucky in the baby department, we are extremely lucky in the love department.

How Do I Express...

Let me preface this by letting you know this is a slightly church-y post, so if you are very anti-religion or hate talk of god or whatever, might want to skip this one.

So today Hubbs wanted to go to church. He was all dressed and ready to go when he woke me up. Could i bear to go? No. I know that i'll get there and everything will be fine and then 15 mins later i'll be asking to leave because all of the adorable little babies will make me ball my eyes out.
He then proceeded to make me feel guilty for not going. And said that pulling myself away from church isn't going to help us on our journey to conceiving. That if we need a miracle, we won't get it sitting at home.

I disagree slightly, god is everywhere, and if he really does truly know my pain, then he will forgive me for not being able to work up the courage to go to church.
How can i put into cohesive words how i feel so that Hubbs can understand? Maybe men are just different when it comes to this whole issue, maybe he only thinks about IF sometimes. But for me, it is an ever present monster that just weighs down on me. Constantly wondering why am i still broken, why the drugs aren't working, if we'll ever get to have a baby of our own, if we'll be able to afford everything. How can i express that him telling me to "find a way to get over it" just doesn't cut it. It's not something that i feel that i can just get over. It's like a break-up, you know? It takes time, it's not something that is going to happen overnight. And sure, technically i've been mourning this openly for about 6 months now. It just doesn't feel like something that is going to go away.

This is why i feel like i do need some sort of support group or somewhere to just talk and be listened to. Not have someone try to fix me or try to help me get over it, but just let me sit there and cry and mourn the days when our lives were simple and easy. Where every day wasn't a struggle to get out of bed when all i want to do is lay there and cry. To find a group of people who understand how horrible this feels.

I hate wanting this so badly. Especially when so many years ago i didn't even want to have kids. But now i have this amazing man, who granted, sometimes just doesn't get it, but i want to make a baby with him. Right now that is seeming like such an insurmountable obstacle.
When everyone you know is announcing their pregnancy and throwing their chubby little adorable offspring in your face... how can you not be sad? How can you not want to pull away from the world into your own little bubble of baby-free safety?

What am i supposed to do? How do i express my pain? sorrow? anger? doubt? loss? How do i being the process of "moving on" so i can try to reclaim some little shred of our former lives?

Can You Die From Cramps?

I know you can't. That would be ridiculous. However, It seriously feels like i'm going to. This is like the period from hell. It hurts so incredibly bad. It's like when i first went on Depo in college and when i got my period then i spent 3 days curled in the fetal position whimpering with pain. I'm sorely tempted to do that again... but i have school, school that i would actually like to do well in this time around.

In other news, i get to start clomid in 2 days. Here's to hoping 100mg is the kicker. With the whole insurance issue at the moment, we wouldn't be able to go to the RE that we'd get referred to. Doc said one try at 100mg and if that doesn't make me ovulate, it's off to the RE.

Clomid did seem to shorten my cycle though. My cycle is usually between 36-40 days. This time it was only 34 days. Maybe that's be just being hopeful. But you know, hope is a good thing to cling to at a time like this.

In better, bright news, there's only 6.5 more months until we can get the adoption process rolling. The agency we're going through requires that you be married for 2 years before you can be put on the list. We're looking forward to starting that chapter. We know it could be several years before we actually get lucky enough to have a child placed with us. We're hoping that our desire for a non-newborn will help bump that up a little bit. So that's another hopeful thing to look forward to.

Health Insurance Debacle.

So apparently there will be no recovering from this health insurance thing. We'd have to pay well over $300 to reinstate the old coverage, or pay $140 a month for COBRA coverage including last month and this month at the same time. I am fairly certain that is not in our budget.

I've applied for medicaid including back coverage and really hope that we get approved. It would include health coverage for both Hubbs and me. I've been shopping around for other health insurance stuff as well, but there's seriously just not enough money for it. I have no idea what we are going to do.

This is not good. Not good at all.

If Hubbs manages to pick up shifts at his work, maybe we can swing it... He's not positive what the company's coverage is like. Here's to hoping i guess. Fingers crossed.

Hopeless Cycle

Just got back from the doctor's office. It's official, this cycle is completely hopeless. That's ok though. Now i can move on.

Also, apparently, i have a UTI, which is awesome on top of my constant cramping, pelvic pain from having bad veins, and super sore boobs. I am a complete mess.

In other news, the doctor said that he's just gonna try one more round of clomid with me, and then if we don't see temps or progesterone indicate ovulation, then he's gonna refer me to an RE. Here's to hoping the 100mg works? Even so though, my doctor only does 3 rounds of clomid before referring, so more than likely, come march, we'll be seeing an RE.

The insurance company's customer service is closed today also. darnit, how the heck am i supposed to get all of this worked out if i can't flipping call them?

Hubbs and i hare supposed to go work out today, but man oh man do i feel crummy. Feels like i'm swirling around the outside edge of the pit of despair and trying really hard not to fall in. We are going to costco though, so maybe i can drown myself in a mountain of their gelato, that stuff is amazingly delicious and you get a HUGE 3 scoop cone for like $1.50. Those people make miracles.

WE DID IT!!!

Ok that post title was mean. lol. We aren't quite lucky enough to be pregnant, but we did in fact, stick to a resolution/plan/idea/whatever you wanna call it.

After Hubbs was finished watching the Broncos get their asses whooped, i was like "hey, want to go to the gym?" and shockingly, he said yes. So down we went with our bright eyes and bushy tails. We actually wound up renting some racquetball equipment and played for an hour. First off let me say that i am totally awesome at this game, and secondly, that i freaking LOVE IT! It's such a good workout and you're sweating and grunting and running around like a crack-addicted dog trying to catch a constantly moving ball. Super super fun. I'm even thinking about joining the racquetball club at school cause it was just that fun.

After that i said "alright, that was a good warm-up, now let's go to the gym" Hubbs look like he wanted to kill me and it was super funny. I hopped on the elliptical a Hubbs opted for the stationary bike. I promptly hopped off the elliptical and jumped onto the treadmill cause i thought my legs were gonna fall off. I also decided walking would be better since i need to finish 1.5 miles on friday anyway. So i did .5mi at a rather brisk pace and called it good for now. Hubbs and i have decided that we will go work out a minimum of 3x a week, whether that mean playing racquetball or weight training or cardio, WE WILL GO! Also, interesting tidbit, Hubbs can do pullups, it's super sexy. lol.

So naturally today, you can assume that we are both super sore, and you would be right. I love forgetting about muscles and then have them scream that they hate me the day after working out. Good times.

I peed on a stick again last night just for fun. Obviously it was a BFN, but that's ok. According to my obnoxious ticker down there is says to wait 7 more days anyway. But my bewbs just hurt so darn much!! Seriously painful to the touch now. Oh well, at least i'm seeing the doctor on monday. Maybe i can finagle my way into getting a Beta done so my brain can stop clinging to the hope that i actually am pregnant. I even picked up my next round of Clomid because i know, deep down, that there is NO WAY that i am. But HPTs were on sale at the walgreens when i was getting my clomid and metformin. So i got three 3packs for $9. So we're all stocked up for at least the next 2 cycles. Since you know, after 2 more cycles we get referred to an RE.

Hello readers! Apparently there are a few people actually reading this thing! Who knew!?! Even if you are just spambots or something, i would love comments. You can tell me how much i suck at blogging and babymaking or you can give me some nice words of encouragement or sympathy.

Anyways, apparently my health insurance got cancelled for non-payment. UM WTF?!?! I never received a single notice that i had missed a payment or that i needed to pay anything for that matter. Of course their customer service offices are closed on the weekends so i have to wait till monday to call. Did i mention i have a doctor's appointment monday? Awesome. I'll just pretend i still have insurance, get the $10 copay and rip Cigna a new one when i call after my appointment. I'm going in cause i think i have a UTI. Fun stuff. And also, i want to beg for another Progesterone blood test. Everything i've read indicates you should get tested 7DPO which according to both fancy new BBT charts was near CD25. I am not above begging. That and my doctor is pretty awesome, i'm sure he'll do it just for giggles anyway and to get me off his back. Also i'm gonna bring in my BBT chart and have a trained eye look at it. So i'm not obsessing and going "omg is that an implantation dip" and "where the f*ck is my coverline?" and "omg my temp is still elevated i'm totally preggers!" seriously, it is not healthy. I'm like a crazy person with my chart.

I picked up some gummy prenatal vitamins today because i seriously cannot stand the taste of the ones from costco anymore. First off, they smell like ass. Secondly, if you even touch one with your bare hands, the stink remains on them for the whole day no matter how many times you wash them. I've resorted to pouring the pill onto the inside of the cap and then holding my nose and shoving it in my mouth whilst drinking a beverage. Thirdly, even after you take all those steps to avoid the stink, your burps still taste of horribleness. I do not want to have to taste nastiness the whole freaking day.

I've started school. Managed to survive the first week. YAY ME! Funny story, i have a PE class. A GYM CLASS... IN COLLEGE! Pure madness. Anyways, on friday we have to complete a 1.5mi walk/run/crawl/whatever, do pushups, situps, get our body fat % measured. In other words, i am going to die and then be horrible humiliated all at the same time. I'm pretty sure last time they measured my body fat it was like 50%, it HAS to have gone up. It is going to be awful. But at least i can take heart in the fact that this will probably be the last time i'm humiliated by my body. I have resolved to trick myself into getting this class to turn me into a gym rat. I am gonna work like crazy. This could just be the motivation i've needed to get the ball rolling on fitness. We'll see how long this optimism lasts... kinda hoping it's for a while.

In other news, my bewbs are super sore. Have been since yesterday. I'm hoping it is some sort of good sign and not just that i slept on them weird or something.

Have i mentioned that i have the best husband in the world? Our student loan money finally came in. I bought all of my books and other such fun things. But hubbs surprised me with the best day ever. We went to dinner at Red Lobster. I had a delicious steamed whole lobster. Completely made my year. THEN! We went to Barnes & Noble and he bought me a new Nook Tablet!! I have been wanting one of these for months and finally it is all mine!!! I am very very pleased with it and am so grateful to have a husband willing to do just about anything to make me happy. He is the best. Sometimes i forget to give him credit where credit is due. I mean sure he forgets to empty the dishwasher and to meet college deadlines and to e-mail his boss to pick up hours at work... but there are also moments where he absolutely shines and makes me world 1000x better. I love that man so much, more and more each day. Especially when he tolerates me being in a completely b*tchy mood from talking to incompetent customer service reps on the phone for an hour.

Seeking Hope

So i did some research today after i got off the phone with the doctor and a few big questions/points popped into my head.

If clomid doesn't shorten your cycle (in fact can even lengthen it) and my cycle is an average of 40 days. Then why am i doing blood draws on day 21? when on any given cycle, i would actually ovulate around day 26. According to what i've read, progesterone should be drawn at 7 days dpo, which for me, would be a whopping day 33. So that's confusing.

So here i have this teeny tiny glimmer of hope.

My chart looks like this so far.

However on another site, my chart looks more like this, which isn't showing an indication of ovulation yet.
Could it be that i did ovulate on day 24? I guess i just have a short week and a little bit to find out. I have resolved that i will cling to this tiny little shred of hope and not give in to the urge to fall into a swirly pit of despair just yet.

I spent a lot of time today. A LOT. Looking over BBT charts and trying to glean some sort of indication that maybe just maybe there is some hope for me. Also looking over the differences between taking clomid on days 3-7 vs days 5-9. The general consensus seems to be that days 3-7 produce more eggs but maybe at lesser quality, while days 5-0 produce fewer eggs but at a higher quality. Interesting.

And cycle #1 is a big fat fail.

Got the blood tests back. Apparently my progesterone levels weren't high enough to indicate that the clomid worked. Apparently though it's supposed to keep my cycle the same length, and since my cycle is crazy long, why would they think i would ovulate before day 21 on a 40 day cycle? makes no sense to me.

I'm not sure if we're gonna take a break now or what. I haven't told Hubbs yet, he's still sleeping. I know he definitely wasn't a fan of the crazy amount of sex we had.
I just feel super crappy about it all now and would like to curl up into a ball and cry. Maybe i'll skip both the funeral and my 2 classes today.

The doctor wants to bump up the clomid to 100mg for the next cycle. I guess we can still go ahead and try with it cause it would be nice to know if it works at all. Doc says after 3 months of clomid though, then he refers to an RE. So 2 more months to hope that we get lucky.

So bummed. I really had been feeling so many symptoms, maybe it was just all my brain seriously hoping that it worked. There's no more ice cream in the house and we have no money. Supposedly it can take up to 3 days for my student loan refund to post to our account. Then i'll be able to buy shiny things like my books. Hubbs and i are going to go out to red lobster once the refund posts to celebrate the official start the next part of our lives.

I was wishing for this so badly, i seriously hoped so much against all hope that it would word and we'd be lucky enough to have a little munchkin of our very own.

Blood Results Tomorrow.

So this week has been a wonderful distraction, school has definitely been keeping me busy. The first week is always so exciting and fun. Finding all your classes and feeling all bright and optimistic about the semester. lol.

I realized that it had been a week since i good my blood draw to check the progesterone levels. Technically they are in but "the doctor hasn't reviewed them yet. i'll make sure he calls you tomorrow" blah blah. At this point i am seriously doubting that the cycle worked and serously doubting even more that there is a chance that i am pregnant. Hubbs likes to keep my spirits up and say "you don't know that! you could be!" and then that makes me feel a bit better.

Although one thing about the first week of school is that i realized if i do get pregnant, i'm never going to fit into the seats. I can barely squeeze my fat ass into those things as it is now, no way i can do that growing a human (or two or three, lol) Oh well. I do have a PE class which apparently requires 2-3 days outside of class doing some sort of physical activity. Apparently hauling my butt clear across campus in 15 mins between classes doesn't count. What do they know?! lol. That and taking a PE class again makes me feel like a teenager again... especially when i skipped gym and almost had to repeat my senior year... but that's a whole 'nother can of worms or whatever the phrase is.

I have class tomorrow from 12-12:50 and again from 3-3:50, i'm seriously hoping nice doctor calls before then, or maybe after, cause i'll be swirling in a pit of despair.

Also, technically, i have a funeral to go to tomorrow. I don't really know the girl, she went to my church. I was supposed to meet with her monthly and just chat and see how she was doing, but i was selfishly very busy with my lack of ability to make a baby, starting school, and working that i hardly even had time to go to church at all. She killed herself last week, leaving behind a husband and i'm sure parents, maybe grandparents. I feel badly because i wasn't able to be there for her, but sometimes, even with all of the support in the world, people still don't see any other way out. I am certain that where she is now, she has no more worry or pain and is happy. Hubbs and i are debating whether or not we should go. I've warned my professors that i did have the funeral just in case we decide to go. Either way, i'm sure her family would appreciate any prayers or good thoughts to be sent their way.

BFN

I caved, i tested. BFN. Just like a feared it would be. There's the tiniest possibility that maybe i tested too early, but for the most part, i'm just thinking that this whole cycle was a bust and the clomid didn't even work and my body is completely useless at trying to produce a child.

Fleeting thoughts i hope. I still have to wait for the blood test results to see if the clomid actually worked. Cause if it did, that's good news and then we just have to hope that next cycle one of Hubbs' little swimmers does it's job.

I had so many symptoms though, and really thought that maybe this would be it. I'll try not to completely dash my hopes until the doctor's office calls, but until then, it's hard not to think negatively. Maybe then i'll be pleasantly surprised if it turns out it did work. Better to have the results raise your hopes than dash them.

Resisting the Urge to Test.

MUST RESIST. I plugged in my chart info on fertilityfriend and they seem to think that i ovulated on the 24th, making today 12dpo. I have resolved that i will not bother to home test until i get the results of the blood test from yesterday. But man is it hard. I've been puttering around the two week wait forums and i sure do seem to have a lot of the symptoms that other people did very very early on. The horrible horrible waiting. I feel completely out of control with this whole thing. The crippling nausea and incredible sleepiness. We went to bed at 9 last night, i woke up around 7:30 to take my BBT and even though it's early afternoon now, i just want to sleep some more.

I am still good though, i take my metformin every day, twice a day, i take my horrible tasting prenatals every day even though i now have to plug my nose and try to swallow them without gagging. I also keep thinking i smell this rotten egg smell somewhere in our apartment.

I really need some sort of hobby to distract me while i'm waiting here. With $5 in our bank account currently until student loans and our bonus check comes in that won't be possible.

That pregnancy test is sitting under my sink right now as i type, calling to me like a horrible siren from the depth luring me to my doom.

Well now i'm so hungry to the point of nausea. I hate that feeling, not being able to tell whether you're starving or gonna puke. Good times. Perhaps i shall have some lunch and take a really long nap.

1 week wait.

Well, got my blood draw yesterday. Apparently it'll take around 3-5 days to get the results back. My progesterone level needs to be above 10 for this clomid cycle to not be a complete bust. Then, if it is above 10, then i get to wait another week wait and take a pregnancy test! hurray! If it's below 10, then they up the clomid to 100mg for the next cycle.
I'm seriously hoping that my body reacts to clomid better than it does pain killers, cause with those they have to give me like, horse doses. lol.
So here i am, sitting around, waiting and waiting. In the mean time i have pinterest and other such fun distractions to keep me busy.
I have been so incredibly tired. It was a struggle just to stay up last night, Hubbs and i both went to bed at 9. lol. So pathetic.

When Plans Go Awry.

So we were all set to go babysit. I was gonna drop off Hubbs then head to my appointment on campus then to the doctor for my blood draw. Then our car died. The power steering went out, battery and brake lights came on. Good times.
Apparently there was some sort of problem with the belt and the thingy that holds the belt, or turns the belt, i don't really know. But we bought the car 1 MONTH AGO. I got the dealer to pay 1/2 of the repair costs because that is freaking ridiculous.
In other news, my little service doggie, in addition to not having many teeth, also has epilepsy. He had a seizure a few months ago, and then one again yesterday. It was so sad trying to see him walk after, it was like all of this paws fell asleep and he was trying so hard to move. We still love that little guy a whole bunch. He's our scruffy little fur baby and that's the way it is. lol.

So today *hopefully* i can pick up the car and go get my blood draw. I've noticed that the last few days my BBT has been a teeny bit elevated. Certainly doesn't seem like it's jumping around as much. I'll try to put less stock in it though until the results of the blood draw. It was funny, we were crossing the street with our nephew coming back from the park, i hopped into the sidewalk to stop traffic. I was like "this is genius, this is a good plan" and he said "yep, no one wants to hit a pregnant woman" I got all defensive and was like "what?!?! i'm not pregnant, are you saying i look like i'm pregnant?!" and he said "for all we know, you could be!" and then i was all hopeful. lol. it was actually kind of nice. I like that he is also super hopeful about the potential little one.
Occasionally we'll just be watching something, or doing something random. Hubbs with say "what do you think about this name?" and we chat about potential baby names for a bit. It's adorable.

We're trying not to get our hopes up, but sometimes it's hard not to. Hopefulness is good.

In other news, after babysitting our 2-year-old nephew for a whole day, Hubbs said "yea, if we have to adopt, i'm totally ok with adopting like, a 3-year-old." and i giggled and agreed. It would definitely be nice to skip the whole diaper/tantrum/MINE/NO phase. lol.

Tomorrow.

So tomorrow i'm going to the doctor for my blood draw to check my progesterone levels. I swear i did kinda see that BBT spike, but who knows, maybe it wasn't enough. Maybe my BBT wasn't high enough for long enough. Maybe everything i've been feeling has all been due to my imagination.
I am a complete ball of nerves about the whole thing. For serious. At least today i felt a little less nauseated than the last week. lol. I was actually able to eat 3 meals today without feeling like i was going to hurl. yay me.
In other news i do have this terrible pain in my lower right abdomen that i really hope goes away soon.
School is starting next week. I am incredibly excited and nervous and just looking forward to starting over. I have an appointment tomorrow with the accessibility services people to check and see where/if i'll be able to bring my little service dog on campus. Hoping yes, but we'll see. They want me to sign a waver stating that they can discuss my issues openly with my doctor, and i am completely uncomfortable with that. I am definitely not giving in on that part. No way. Everything i've read from the ADA indicates that you do not ever have to be specific about your disability if you don't want to.

No matter what happens i will try my very best to keep up a positive attitude and hope for the best.
Fingers crossed.

2 days

So it's looking like there are only like, 2 more days before i'm supposed to get my blood draw, and if there's no BBT spike by day 21 (which will also be in 2 days) and my progesterone level is less than 10 at the draw, then this cycle will be a bust. That makes me a sad panda. I mean there was kind of a spike, but today, it dipped all the way back down to 97. Pretty sure unless tomorrow shows like, a 98, there's no hope for this cycle. Maybe all of the symptoms i have are just weird side effects from the Clomid and have nothing to do with ovulation. grumble grumble.

Also, when i've been taking my prenatals every day, i keep gagging. Getting those things down is not getting any easier. I think a majority of it is the smell. Like seriously, they stink horribly. I saw an add somewhere for gummy prenatals. If they don't taste like crap, they might be worth a shot.

New Years was a relaxed night. We stayed in and got pizza, popped some sparkling apple cider and marathoned Burn Notice on netflix. Around midnight-ish we toasted the new year. Good times.

Trying not to fall into a pit of despair and hopelessness. I know we can't know for sure until the blood draw. But this sucks. I just don't get how if i'm normally on a 46-ish day cycle, that clomid is magically supposed to make my body conform to a average 28 days like normal people.

I've been feeling really nauseated lately too. apparently that's a side effect that only 2% of people get. awesome. Hurray for me being rare. Like how ambien makes me hallucinate and not fall asleep. Clearly i am broken. Not sure if that's only supposed to be while you're taking it, or if you can have side effects after you're done taking it too. All questions for the doctor i guess.

I shall resist the urge to lay around in bed all day and mope. after all, it's a new year, and i should try to start it off with a positive attitude.