Scaredy Cat

Why yes writing prompt of the day! I have jumped out of my skin. While I am a horror movie fanatic and can watch pretty much any movie without getting scared... the slightest scare in real life will make me scream like a little girl and jump 10 feet in the air. I get the heck scared out of me so easily it is not even funny. Well, it's hilarious to the person scaring me. Like my husband likes to do on occasion. Not so funny to me though. I swear my heart stops and I have a mild heart attack. Good times.

Speaking of heart attacks. I tried to donate plasma today and yet again my pulse was too high. I really need to start working out more. I did notice however, that the day I did the relaxation yoga video was the day that I was able to donate cause my pulse was low enough. Perhaps I shall try an experiment. Tomorrow I will do said video again and then head off to have fluids sucked out of me through a giant needle.

Nothing really terribly exciting is going on. Our newest niece is having her baby blessing thingymajig on Sunday. Should be fun I guess. Hopefully there's food involved afterwards. Holding out the hope. Tomorrow night we're heading over to Hubbs' eldest sister's house for dinner and a game night. I'm looking forward to that. Their kids run around playing with Gibbs for hours and we get to sit around and play awesome tabletop games.

I've lost weight! I don't know if it's because of a lack of readily available food, or the fact that we haven't had fast food in about 2 weeks... but I am now 288lbs. That's a whole 12lbs less than a few weeks ago! Go me! Now that it's summer and warm and sunny and all that jazz, I think I will actually stick to my promise of trying to go for walks with the dog. The little 10min thing that Hubbs and I do sometimes at night totally doesn't count. There's a gorgeous river walk path thing right behind our place. It goes on for miles and miles. I of course, will not walk the whole thing. Little bits here and there and I'll build up to walking for a few miles. Could be fun. Have to go during the daytime though and carry mace or something. On more than one occasion ladies have been assaulted and/or raped on that path. So daytime walking it is for me!

Looks Like Someone Has a Case of the Mondays

So this is gonna sound weird... but I've been having sex dreams about the one that got away lately. Granted, he didn't really get away, since I never had him to begin with. He was a good friend of mine that I crushed on for years. Basically all through college. I saw him at the very first college party I ever went to. When I saw him, I swear the world went into slow motion. Of course though, typical me, I was too terrified to ever confess my feelings for him for fear of getting my tiny heart squashed. Lol. I feel bad though. I'm like, sleep cheating on Hubbs. Sleep cheating. Is that a real thing? Does this happen to anyone else?

So embarrassing. Anyways. Still waiting to register for classes because they need to figure out what all of my classes translate to. Really I'm just looking to get my english credit... but they can feel free to go ahead and evaluate all 137 credits from my B.A. Go right ahead. This means I won't get to register for about 6 weeks. I'm really hoping there's still room in some of my classes, but hey, at least I get to go back to school. Lookin' on the bright side. Go me!

Wait, today isn't Monday is it. Today is totally Tuesday. Wowzers. This whole not having anything to do during the week is really messing up my internal calendar. I finished a book yesterday though. Magic Lost, Trouble Found by Lisa Shearin. Pretty fun read. This whole "urban fantasy" genre is something I can get into. Is there anything better than a book? A magical escape from the world for however long it takes you to read it.

I woke up super early in the morning to the lovely sound of Hubbs dry-heaving. I really hope nothing I fed him made him sick. I was a bit pukey the other day, so maybe he just caught whatever it was. Not really sure. I'll just let him sleep all day and hope that makes him feel a bit better.

Critter Fears

I skipped yesterday. I figured I deserved a day in bed after being all puke-y all night. Hubbs made a joke that I was pregnant and all I could do was lol my head off. I then made a joke and told him Happy Father's Day. It was good times.

Today's prompt is about what creatures make you jumpy. I have a whole lot of critter fears. For serious. Spiders, worms, pretty much anything that lives in the ocean (with few exceptions), shellfish don't bother me, almost everything else does.

I also have some non-critter fears, like the woods at night and clowns. If someone made a mutant clown spider that lived in the ocean and or the woods... I would never leave the house, even though I don't live anywhere near an ocean. Imagine something like this...

T'is a thing of nightmares people...

I'm feeling much better about everything. Having that burden lifted off my shoulders really did free me. I've even been working out a little bit too. I rented Plus Sized Pilates. I liked the yoga/pilates videos I did before, but I found that my giant belly was totally in the way. This one is made for larger ladies, so hopefully that will no longer be a problem. I could definitely feel the burn at some points. There may or may not have been a bit of yelling at the tv and calling the instructor on screen an evil skinny B. Finishing the video felt good though.

30 Rock

The Hubbs and I have been looking for a new show to watch. We normally watch a whole boatload of cop shows, and while we love them, they get really predictable after a while. Within the first three minutes of the episode, we can pick out who the guilty party is.

We decided to watch 30 Rock. We have been laughing our butts off. Totally unpredictable and suprising and hilarious. How did we not know of this awesomeness before?!!

In other news, I'm still taking things one day at a time, and trying to get better. Yesterday I did a 40min long yoga video. Actually made it through the whole thing. Sure I went to bed at like 9pm, but it's ok. I had to donate plasma yesterday cause we need the extra income. Nice to know that I'm at least healthy enough to do that. lol. It totally wipes me out though, hence the crazy early bedtime.

I made a "fancy ramen" for dinner last night. lol. Pretty much just stir fry mixed in with some pan fried ramen noodles. It was surprisingly not that bad.

Today, I have yet to work out. I pretty much haven't done anything of note today. I burned my lunch of dino chicken nuggets, but ate them anyway. Burn-y flavor really doesn't taste that bad when mixed with copious amounts of BBQ sauce. I do plan on going for a walk with Gibbs later, so that'll at least get me a little bit of exercise. I'll also take a trip to the library cause a few books I've had on hold are finally ready. Sure I have a pile of about four unread books on the nightstand, but that's ok. I've definitely had a lot of free time lately, and reading is a good way to spend it. Maybe I'll kill two birds with one stone and actually go down to the gym and read whilst biking or something. Probably won't go that far.

Father's Day is tomorrow. I will make a conscious effort not to forget to call my pops. I made some cards at home the other day for our Dads. Sure they're not store bought, but we can barely afford food... so it's totally the thought that counts. Lol. 

Random Fights FTW?

Last night, we stayed up late. For some reason Hubbs decided to sit on the couch and stare at the wall for a bit. Then fell asleep. Everything seemed fine. I got him up and we went to bed. We read for a bit and giggled about random stuff, like we always do. Then somehow, magically out of nowhere, we got into a weird argument.

I still have no idea what he was mad about. He mentioned something about me not liking the pot pie he made last night. Then rambled a bit about how he feels that he doesn't make me happy. That couldn't be further from the truth... well... the bit about the pot pie was totally true.

I just don't get it. He occasionally comes out with this weird idea that I'm disappointed in him for not being able to provide for us. First of all, I never asked him to be the provider in our family and have no idea why he feels that our lack of money at the moment makes me unsatisfied with him. I've tried to reassure him, but I don't know what more I can do. This was more of an issue back when he quit his perfectly well paying job because he hated it. I let him do that because I thought it would make him happier. Then he got all emo and sad about not being a provider. He was out of work for a year and I diligently went to the exact same job, which I felt slowly sucking the life out of me, and brought home the bacon for us. Now that we're both going back to school and neither of us has a job at the moment, I guess it's just stirring up these old feelings.

I have so much crap going on in my head right now, dealing with the aftermath of the abuse I endured as a kid and worrying incessantly about my body and its pudginess. Hubbs was like this beam of radiant light that reminded me about all of the good things and the things I did have going for me that made me happy.

Last night he managed to take a little bit of that away. I know these moods of his are fleeting. That they're leftover from things that happened before we got married. I don't know. I just want to see him smile again. Which just happened two seconds ago when he took my book club book out of the bathroom and criticized the cover. Lol.

Tiny Accomplishments Times Two

Well, yesterday I actually managed to accomplish both goals I set for myself. I made the Hubbs banana bread, just like I said I would. I took Gibbs for a walk, and while I didn't go for a whole 30mins, but for like 15mins. Awesomeness.

Funny story, I woke up to get the phone, Hubbs was still asleep, when I get back in bed, he's like "what happened" I told him nothing, that it was just the phone. Then he says "OMG I must have had a nightmare, I dreamt you got up to get the door and it was your parents" I rofled my ass off.

Today I am going to make another set of small goals for myself. I will mail out the Father's Day cards we made last night. I will go to the library and pick out a delightful new book despite the fact that I have a stack of five that I haven't read yet. Later, I will tackle the ginormous pile of laundry that has been on our bedroom floor ever since I rearranged our whole apartment. Lol.

I made our family budget yesterday. It was super depressing. Should not be hard at all to lose weight on this budget... lol. We are strapped for the next 8 weeks. That's ok though. Another anniversary of poorness. The last year, we had a 2 can dine for $8.99 coupon for Arby's. We dined like champs. This year, Hubbs swears that he's sticking to his promise to take me to a real restaurant, with waiters and everything. I told him we should just go to our favorite chinese buffet and stuff our faces with deliciousness. We'll see who wins out. =) 

So Incredibly Tired

I don't know what it is, but for the last three days I have just been so wiped out. I slept for almost 12 hours today, and I feel like I could totally just crawl right back in bed and sleep till tomorrow.

I didn't go to the fertility seminar like I was supposed to. I feel like at this point, it would be unfair of me to try to host a human in my body the way it is now. I need to focus on getting in shape and getting well before we try.

School doesn't start for me until August. Sure I have a B.A. but now I'm going back for an A.A.S because I am so tired of applying for jobs that I know will bring me absolutely no joy. Working part time at a fast food place is pretty much all I've been able to get in the last few months. I want a career. I want to be excited to go to work every day. I also want to feel an awesome sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Have something real to show for my work.

So I have the whole summer. I have the next two months to try very hard to whip myself into shape, mentally and physically. Then I'll throw myself into school, do my very best. Hopefully in a year and a half, snag a decent job. This is my plan. I am determined.

I'll start by baking Hubbs that banana bread I promised him days ago. Then I'll do a workout video and I will be proud of myself for these small accomplishments and for reaching my goal. I'll continue to make tiny goals every day. With each one, I will feel a sense of satisfaction and look forward to completing the next one. Until one day, I realize that I've accomplished one of my big goals by taking baby steps. Yay me.

Wacky Molestation Adventure

While, yes, that is the title of an episode of South Park, I'm going to get serious with you readers for a moment here.

I read an article the other day about some "celebrity" I usee the term loosely because I have no idea who she is, admitted to being molested by her doctor. This happened to her as an adult from what I could gather on two separate occasions with two separate doctors. The second doctor touched her belly-button and praised its hotness. That's weird in of itself, but anyway.

Over the last few days I have been struggling to really look back on my life and figure out when I started gaining weight, what exactly it was that triggered my need to stuff my face with food on a regular basis. It all stems back to one incident that has been plaguing my mind for years. Something I've always questioned whether or not was supposed to happen to me, or whether it was normal or ok.

I was molested by my pediatrician. I don't remember the whole incident completely, more like snippets, I don't even remember his name. I was young. We'd just moved to a new state and I think I'd seen him a few times before it happened. He was really old, wrinkly, liver spots, and that old person smell. It was while I was still in elementary school. It had to have been 3rd or 4th grade because we moved there the summer before 3rd grade. I'm not sure my mother ever came into the room with me at doctor's appointments. If she did, it was before I can remember. He explained what he was going to do, telling me that it was all normal. I recall thinking to myself "if he's gonna stick his hand up there, shouldn't he be wearing gloves?" I remember a lot of pain. I know that afterwards, I asked my mother to see a female doctor instead. I never told her why. Even when I saw female doctors, when it got to the point where I was old enough to actually need a physical exam down in the nether bits, I would always like and say I was on my period so they would skip it.

When I finally did have my first examination of my lady bizness (yes, I know it's spelled business, but it's way more fun to spell it bizness and not say vagina.) I was definitely nervous. I had a female doctor this time and she was very kind, explained everything before she did it. Wore gloves, and only used the standard two fingers. This was really the point that made me seriously question what had happened to be before and confirmed my suspicious that something indeed had been very very wrong with the creepy old man doctor. 

When I look back now, I can see that this is why I have an aversion to old men. This is why I don't like to be touched. This is why for so many years I refused to be intimate with anyone. To this day, I only see female doctors when it comes to my lady business. I have a male regular doctor now, but I only see him for colds, my persistent headaches, etc, nothing that ever requires me to remove any clothing. I also think that this is why I let myself go for so long. If I was ugly and fat, no one would want to touch me, and I wouldn't get hurt again. It was after this incident that I started packing on the pounds. I didn't do it consciously, I didn't know why I felt the incessant need to eat. I do know that the food made me feel safe.

It feels now, like such a great weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I had been carrying this around with me for so long. I never blamed myself, I knew it wasn't my fault, but holding on to a secret like that though can slowly eat away at you. It can help lead to your destruction if you're not careful.

I am pleased to say that I've learned to trust. Granted, it is hard earned, but I can trust. I let family members hug me. As Hubbs and I look towards starting a family, you can be damn sure that I will make sure that nothing like this ever happens to any of our children.

I know I promised less depressing posts. I sit here light-hearted and hopeful about the future. I just needed to let this go. If I'm going to heal properly, I needed to put this out to the world and say "yes, I was molested as a child, I'm coming to terms with it, and I'm going to be ok."

Thanks for reading this post. It has helped me more than you will ever know. 

On a totally random side bar, I just learned that if you google "can you die from cramps?" I'm the 4th thing that pops up. This makes me giggle.

Joy Jumping?

I think the last time I actually jumped for joy was back when I was in high school and I got my first acceptance letter to college. After that, they just started rolling in. I was really excited because my mother had been spending the 6 months prior constantly telling me that no school would ever accept me. Now that I recall it, it was probably more of a "HA! IN YOUR FACE!" feeling than jumping for joy. Maybe I'm just not a very excitable person.

So my friends have been sharing all of these stories about how their husbands are doing all of these cutesy things. Surprising them with flowers or bringing home a spontaneous date night complete with sparkling cider and chocolate covered strawberries. It's stories like these that make me wish Hubbs wasn't so darn lazy. I always imagine cutesy things that he could do. Sometimes I'll even do cutesy things for him... but how do I effectively communicate that I would like him to show a little more effort without sounding like a demanding witch? Lol. Granted, we do tend to communicate well, but I'm not sure how he would take it if I said "Hey, how come you never surprise me with cutesy little ways to show how much you love me?" I guess I would just like to feel adored sometimes, not every day, just enough to make me feel special. I don't know.

Even the way he proposed wasn't very elaborate. You kind of have to tell the whole story for it to sound remotely romantic. Maybe I'll tell the whole thing one day. There wasn't even a ring. Not a crappy plastic one, ring pop, empty box or anything. A proposal can be romantic without one. I occasionally mention that on our 10 year anniversary or something, he should go all out with another proposal. Presumably with the 10 year anniversary ring upgrade he's always talking about getting me. I think maybe he thinks that money is necessary to make things romantic or special, but that is so not true! You can just as easily have a special day whether you're at a fancy restaurant, or having a picnic in the park with some PB&J's (not for me though, the PB would result in a lovely ER trip).

Maybe I'll just make him read this post and that will do. Lol.

Another Blah Day

Today I slept in till about 1pm. Pretty much did nothing the whole day. Did my usual morning stuff, reading the news, blogs, postsecret. Yay for postsecret sundays! Gave the dog a bath, then played video games for several hours.

I did manage to make an awesome dinner. Ribeye steaks with a roasted heirloom tomato risotto. It was super delicious.

I don't know why I'm feeling so blah lately. It could be that I'm steadily becoming more and more aware of how fat I've gotten. Even my ankles are swollen today. I've got to be at least 300lbs now. The last time I got weighed, which was a few weeks ago I think, I was 295lbs or something around there. So depressing. Yet I can't seem to stop myself from going out and eating a fattening meal almost every day. I seriously seriously need to do something. I can't continue on like this. If I do I'll never be able to have kids and will most likely die. So I make myself a promise here to all of you and to myself. I WILL DO THIS! I will start working out at least 30 mins a day. Even if that means just going for a walk for 30 mins. The dog needs walks, he likes walks, I should be nice and take him on walks. I will not sneak out and eat meals on my own like, 3 hours before/after dinner. I will stop drinking soda.

I'm sure doing this will help improve my self-esteem as well and make me feel way more sexy in the bedroom. Maybe my clothes will actually fit and I won't have to wear dresses all the time. I'm like one step away from mu-mu land. I have one pair of pants that fit at the moment and they're maternity pants. This shame I share with you, dear people of the interwebs. Someone should know. Someone should hold me accountable for what I've done to myself with food.

It's funny, when I was younger, and my mother would verbally abuse me and criticize me for being fat... I really wasn't that fat. I was a bit chubby, but never overweight according to the doctor's standards. Now here I am as an adult and I have indeed let myself get super fat. Maybe I let myself get fat because I think I deserve it. I really don't know. Today is the day though. I'm going to make the change that is so desperately needed in my life. I really wish I could get on the Biggest Loser or Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. I am far to terrified to try out for one of those shows. It's not that I don't want to, I would love to have Bob yelling in my face to bike faster or not to give up. It's the idea of laying everything bare to the world. Showing everyone what I've done to myself and letting people see how much I've let myself go.

Wow, this post is super depressing. I feel like it needed to be said though. Now I can look back on this blog in five months or so, and know that this is moment where I decided to change my life and love myself for it.

A Blah Day

Today is just one of those kinds of days. I'm kind of sick, think there might be a cold brewing. Or maybe my allergies are getting ready to whoop my ass. Everything just seems kind of meh.

I've been sitting at this computer for almost 2 hours now, no idea what I want to do. The majority of my days are spent playing video games. What else am I going to do? I've applied to an obnoxious amount of jobs over the last month and am waiting to hear back. I don't start school till August. I should be using this time to get in shape... but I feel like I have some sort of mental block about it. It's almost like I enjoy being protected by this safe layer of fat.

Does anyone else constantly live in terror that some strangers is going to mistake them for being pregnant? Seriously. All of my fat is in my stomach. Granted, there's a bit of pudge making it's way up to my second chin now. If someone did come up to me and ask me when I was due or something similar I have no idea what I would do. Would I cry? Would I verbally assault them with a slur of profanities and yell unintelligibly that I'm not, in fact, pregnant but just really fat in the middle? When people ask me if we have any kids I somehow manage to resist the urge to yell "No, I don't, and I can't have any! Thanks for bringing it up!" and run away screaming like a lunatic. Maybe I'd survive the dreaded someone asking you if you're pregnant when you're not situation too...

I think I might just go back to bed. Maybe this is one of those days that is best tackled from the safety of a warm bed, snuggled under the covers.

I Can Has New Friends?

There are few things that I'm terrible at. As we've learned this week... math is one of them. The other thing I pretty much suck at is making new friends. We've lived here for about 2 years now, and how many friends do we have to show for it? ZERO. Well, we have Hubbs' two sisters and their husbands, but I'm pretty sure they have to hang out with us, 'cause you know, they're family.

I had a few work friends. People you hang out with at work and during break or whatever, but never see outside of work. This last time around in school I didn't even have any class friends. Same as work friends, but obviously with classes instead of work. It takes me forever to trust people. FOR-EV-ER. I have a few close friends from college that I'm still pals with. Hey, my best friend in the whole wide world I, in fact, strongly disliked the first time I met her. Took me a whole semester to warm up to her. Trust is something that must be earned, I've always believed that. I apply that to my professional and personal life and will continue to do so. Another good one is "better safe than dead," I live by that one too.

I wish I could make friends easily, I really do. I know it's something I'll have to work of for the rest of my life. I guess it's a good thing I know that about myself though.

The only time I've ever really had people jump into my life, was when Hubbs and I got engaged. All of a sudden I had a new set of parents and five new siblings. All of them wanting to get to know me and spend time with me. It was nice. I just have one brother. I like to think that Hubbs' eldest sister and I have actually become friends. There are a few of his family members though, that are just meh. Like it wouldn't make much of a difference to me if we ever spoke or spent time together. I'm not sure if that just makes me a bitch, or if that makes me normal. I won't worry about it too much.

Getting All Nostalgic Up in Here

As I may have previously mentioned, my 10 year high school reunion is this month. This makes me feel crazy old. I know, people will say something about how I'm a baby compared to them and blah blah. I say phooey. It feels like I should have done more in those 10 years. I mean, sure I got a B.A. and went to culinary school and EMT school... but it's not like I have an awesome job to brag about. I don't even have a job at all right now. I do have an great husband though, pretty sure only a handful of people from my graduating class are married at all. I don't know, I guess it's just that my life isn't exactly where I thought it would be 10 years out of school. A lot of that feeling has to do with the crummy economy and my inability to make babies, so I guess it's ok.

This reminder of my high school days and such has gotten me all nostalgic. I joined the reunion group on facebook. I also went around and FB stalked a bunch of my old college friends and friended them again. I used to have this weird 100 friend rule. I refused to have more than 100 facebook friends because it didn't seem to me like I would really have that many close friends. I realize now that I actually talk to my real friends... I should use FB to stalk the old friends that I wish I still talked to and see how they're doing and what they're up to in their lives. Massive friending spree of fun. I also texted a bunch of my old friends just to say hi. I don't know if it's because I really don't have any good friends here yet, or if it is just nostalgia, but I guess you really don't need a reason to say hey to a pal.

I would also like to give a warm friendly welcome to the influx of new readers stopping by from blogher.com! I'm having so much fun going on this June jump adventure with all of you. Feel free to comment and call me a jerk or say nice things, I welcome it all. I hope you stick around and have fun following in our life adventures.

Asshat Status

Well, it's official... math without a calculator is impossible for me. I am a complete idiot. I aced every single other section of the test, including math with a calculator. lol. I utterly and epically failed at the "make your brain do math" section. I was given 25 questions for that section, I ran out of time around question 11 and only managed to get 6 right. According the the way the test results are to be interpreted, I'm pretty sure that means I have the equivalent math skills of a 2nd grader...I took math in college! I swear I did! I mean, granted, it was logic and not number math. You know, the "If A=B and B=C, Then A=C." I was totally awesome at that. Stupid numbers ruining my life. So if I wanted to get into the certificate program now, I'd have to wait 3 months and take the test again. No thank you.

There is however, a silver lining to this madness. The same school has another welding program that leads to an Associate's Degree. This is perfect. I can easily transfer all of the gen-ed requirements from my old B.A. and finish in the same amount of time. The best part is that my assessment scores from my previous school are acceptable as well, so that means no remedial math for me! I can jump right in to Math for Welders. Oh get excited people! It's such a relief to know that our plans are not completely ruined by the fact that I'm an imbecile.

 It was also a fun day because since Hubbs and I decided to make an adventure out of the day, we brought our little furbaby (also my service dog) with us. It was great finally having him with me on campus and whilst we were playing tourists. No one stopped and asked me weird questions, no one intruded and asked me if he actually was a service dog. It was really nice to just feel normal for the day. We braved the insane winds and shockingly cold temperatures and walked around the city snapping pictures of pretty much everything. Definitely a day I'll treasure for a long time.

The prompt today was about what I would do if time or money weren't an issue. Hubbs and I talk about this all the time! We're always dreaming up schemes about what we're going to do when we retire. Which so far involves getting either an RV or a boat and splitting our time between Maine and Florida. We plan for the next few years ahead and look at houses and possible places we'd like to live. The list so far includes Hawaii, Florida, Virginia, or Washington. Pretty much we're willing to go wherever the jobs are. We pick out houses around town and say what we like or don't like about them. Shockingly our tastes are extremely similar when it comes to houses. We've definitely agreed that at some point we would like a sun room and a hot tub, possibly a hot tub in a sun room. lol. We so this also while naming potential future children. It's really fun and since we are so poor now and live in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment, we love thinking and wishing about the future together. I think it  helps us grow closer together and helps keep us on the same page so that years down the road when we finally do get to pick our house, it's the one we've both been looking for.

TABE Test

Today I'm being forced to drive an hour each way and may $35 to go prove to my new school that I have at least an 8th grade education. This baffles me. Granted, I graduated high school 10 years ago (my reunion is next month! Madness), but my B.A. is still pretty fresh. I graduated from university 5 years ago now, still a bit of time, but I'm pretty sure that demonstrates the fact that I can spell and use basic math. Of course, years of spellcheckers and calculators may have rotted my brain, so if I fail this test, I'm going to feel like a total asshat.

Hubbs and I decided we should make a little adventure of it. We're gonna drive up with our furbaby and go to this delicious burger place and maybe walk around town a little bit. We'd been meaning to tour the city's hotspots for a while, and today seems like a good excuse to be tourists and have a little fun.

I am glad this is happening today though, because it means that I may get to start school this month. That's super. I was previously told that the only openings started in July, but during our most recent conversation, my evil witch of an adviser indicated that there were openings much sooner. I really hope I like this program. After culinary school, EMT school, university, etc, I still have yet to find a career. I want this to be the one. All of our plans for the next 2 years kind of hinge on me sticking with it.

I'm thinking about BBT charting again. It's kind of a pain and causes me a lot more frustration, but it'll be nice to know if I actually manage to get a temperature shift this time. For all of you I'll do it. lol. I will share my wacky BBT roller-coaster with all of you. I'm telling you now though, if it turn out I have another 94-day cycle, I'm probably gonna give up halfway through and throw my thermometer off of our balcony in a fit of rage.

Jump Back in Time

Well last night we jumped back in time! Watching my Bat Mitzvah tape was delightful. I had forgotten the significance of it all and it was so nice to see some of my family members that are no longer with us. It was also super weird seeing my parents so young and with so much hair. It was nice to see young, skinnier me as well. Before PCOS and insulin resistance and all of these other things turned me into a fatty. I should have wondered if something was up when despite playing sports for hours and hours every day I never managed to lose any weight.

The Hubbs and I have been having fun toying around with potential names for our future children. It's awesome. We have one boy and one girl name that we're rather settled on. The girl one is definitely unique, but we like the nickname we're gonna make out of it. This is all of course assuming we have any children. I'm glad I've gotten to the point where I can joke about it. Back before all of this, I thought I wanted six kids. We were talking about it last night with Hubbs' sister and her husband. I managed to make a joke of it and give Hubbs a high five while saying we'd be lucky to have just one. I do feel though like as a months go by, I am getting so much better at coping with everything. I'm so happy that I'm not constantly sad anymore. I don't even feel broken. I feel hopeful and that hope makes me so incredibly happy.

My seminar is on the 12th. Not really terribly excited. I assume I'll just learn a bunch of things that I already know and come away thinking it was a waste of a 30min drive, but kind of worth it for the consultation discount. Assuming we even go to the consultation. I've told Hubbs to think about it. He had apparently forgotten. I'm sure I can scrounge up the money somewhere and just go on my own. I would at least like to know what the next treatment options are. Hubbs isn't too concerned with any time factors. But I'll be 30 soon, and then it's a hop, skip, and a jump to 35 and the odds are increasingly not in your favor at that point.

Murder in My Kitchen

So this morning the Hubbs knocked over a giant bottle of Frank's Red Hot Sauce... the huge glass costco bottle. Needless to say, it shattered all over the floor and it looked like someone had been murdered in our kitchen. Good times. We don't keep paper towels in the apartment either, so the poor guy had to clean it all up using a roll of toilet paper. There are a few handprint-like streaks across the top of the garbage can too. Luckily I like horror movies, so I'm cool with it. lol.

Tonight we're going over to Hubbs' eldest sister's house. We're gonna have dinner, let our nieces and nephew play with our dog, and watch my Bat Mitzvah video. I was raised Jewish, did the whole shebang, and wound up converting to something else about four years ago. I haven't watched the tape ever, I'm really curious to see it. Jump back in time and see 13 year-old me rocking it like a boss. Hubbs' sister wanted her family to watch it cause none of them have ever seen a Bat Mitzvah and she wants her kids to be exposed to lots of different religions/cultures/etc. Should be fun. Maybe we'll get to squeeze in some board game fun too after the kids go to bed.

Book Clubbing it Up.

So for years I've wanted to join a book club, and I figured you know what, now is the time! I have no job, no school, nothing really to prevent me from spending all of my time reading. I did not however like the idea of sitting in a room with a bunch of ladies discussing some book i have absolutely no interest in. Thank heavens for the Vaginal Fantasy Book Club started by some lovely geeky ladies. So every month, they get online and do a Google+ hangout whilst discussing that month's book. The club focuses on romance novels that have a paranormal/sci fi/fantasy theme. I watched the first 5 hangouts in a giant marathon and laughed my ass off. I picked up this month's selection at my local library and am a few chapters in so far. Can't wait till the hangout on the 25th.

I like having these silly things to look forward to. I've got my roller derby, I've got my book club, and I've got a wonderful husband and furbaby. School is starting soon, possibly even this month, depending on the wait list. Plenty of good to distract me from the fact that my body is stupid and refuses to make babies.

Even though AF magically decided to show up, I am still rather concerned about the 94 day cycle. I really have to make that Dr's appointment. I have the Infertility seminar in a few weeks. I'm only going for the 50% off on our consultation. Which if all goes according to plan, will be this month as well. It will be nice to finally know exactly what we're dealing with in terms of my lady bits. We'll get Hubbs tested too, cause it would be good to know whether the problem is just with me or with both of us. I like the idea of knowing our options for treatment and just how much money we get to look forward to spending. That part is a little less pleasant.

I had a job interview on Thursday. Not really sure how well it went. It's seriously the second time that I've been asked to fill out a job application online after completing the interview. It seems like a complete waste of time for companies to do that, but ok. Hopefully I get it. The job starts in July-ish, has crappy benefits, and doesn't conflict with my school schedule. lol. What else could you want in a place-holder kind of job?

Jump on in

When I hear the word "jump" I think of the obvious things, cannonballs into pools, trampolines, cliff diving. All things I enjoyed in my youthful summers at camp. Now that I am older and far more boring I've realized that "jump on in" is kind of my life's motto.

After college, I wound up moving back in with my folks, as so many are doing these days. I jumped right in to culinary school, then EMT school. When my mom was diagnosed with cancer and things got hard at home, I moved away in about a week. I met my husband, we met then got married all within the span of 6 months. I jumped back into school last semester and am starting a new one this summer.

I'm not sure what this says about me. I could put a positive spin on it and say that it means that I'm adaptable, not that I'm impulsive and make rash decisions. I don't think I would change that about myself though. Every one of those decisions lead to something great. Every time I fearlessly tried something new, I learned more about myself. How else can you find what makes you happy unless you're willing to try to find it?

I'm glad that now, as we pursue the dream of starting a family, that I'm able to jump on in. While there's a slight trepidation at this daunting task, I'm hopeful and know that it will all work out. Just like everything I've jumped into over the years. Things may not turn out exactly the way you want, but as long as you take a lesson from the experience, they'll turn out the way they were meant to.

So if I have to stick needles in my butt every day or pop pills every day again, if I have to be an emotional wreck because of all of the crazy hormones, or even if we decide to give up treatment all together, I'll do it. I'll jump right on in and know that no matter the outcome, I did everything I could, and wasn't afraid to try.